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To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

(186 Posts)
breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 22:48:08

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

Wineandrosesagain Mon 21-Jan-19 18:10:19

Op quite a few of us get it (the hard of the thinking or the goady twats can’t/purposely won’t get it). It is so so hard to deal with as it is exhausting and incomprehensible to non-liars. If he can’t or won’t acknowledge what he’s doing and how distressing it is for you, I would separate. I could not live my life like this; it is too stressful to have to second guess everything he says. ☹️

Duchessgummybuns Mon 21-Jan-19 18:10:28

It all sounds very stressful for you OP. I used to be married to a habitual liar myself. From lies that a shop didn’t have any stock (lush Had no bath bombs? I don’t think so) to a 2 year affair with a friend of mine. We have a DD together and he’s still genuinely shocked when I don’t believe a word he says.

gamerchick Mon 21-Jan-19 18:15:27

See OP, this is the score. He will never change, it's an ingrained habit from being young. You either have to accept him lies and all or leave. You will dump him eventually though especially when it starts affecting the kids.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe Mon 21-Jan-19 18:20:51

OP I think you have to issue an ultimatum. It sounds like this habit of his is grinding your love to dust. I would not be able to tolerate it and am wondering why you are getting so many truly strange responses on here.

SistersResistingTheCisThing Mon 21-Jan-19 18:24:31

Does he lie to the DC?

DoJo Mon 21-Jan-19 18:27:41

Stop hounding him to change and trying to force him to be someone he isn’t. If he wanted to change then feel free to support. But to try and push self help books on him? Sounds more like a criticism than support.

By this logic, every issue in a relationship is a dealbreaker - you either accept that someone does something that makes you unhappy or leave. There would be no point talking to your partner about the things you find hard to live with and you should just up sticks or resign yourself to be forever annoyed.

OP - do you think he would lie, for example, about having taken one of the kids to a doctor's appointment if he forgot? Or say he'd given a dose of antibiotics even if he hadn't? Because that kind of thing would be a dealbreaker for me and I think most people would consider that quite a heinous lie. However, the habitual liar in my life would have put that on a par with 'did you buy that book' and would lie about that kind of thing it even if doing so landed his daughter in hospital (spoiler - it did.).

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Mon 21-Jan-19 18:38:34

My DH can be a bit like this - the lies of the ‘they had no milk in Tesco’ type. I think it’s a hangover from childhood which wasn’t great.

It doesn’t bother me. But that’s irrelevant. It bothers you. I’m not sure I’d go down the wanting proof route, because to me that signals the beginning of the end.

flowers sounds like a really tough situation.

breadhead Mon 21-Jan-19 19:32:40

DoJo, no I don’t think he’d lie about anything that would harm the children. I think if he was affecting them in that way I would have gone by now.

He doesn’t lie regularly but there’s been enough times over the years and enough big lies to make me hyper-sensitive to any little untruths now. I told him I have to have 100% honesty about everything otherwise it just can’t work.

BejamNostalgia Tue 22-Jan-19 00:52:10

Yes, our discussion was about the fault of his incessant little lies over the years and how upsetting I find them

He doesn’t lie regularly

That’s a bit of a contradiction. Incessant and not regularly. Hmm.

HeddaGarbled Tue 22-Jan-19 16:47:23

100% honesty isn’t realistic: Does my bum look big in this; is my sister prettier than me etc. Most of us tell lies to avoid upsetting people on occasions.

What he is doing is telling lies to avoid being “told off”. He’ll have learned this as a child (over-strict parents, perhaps?) and it will be so much a part of his personality and behaviour that it will be very hard habit to break.

Your idea that he learn to be assertive is spot on but unfortunately it’s just turned into another occasion when he’s lied to stop you telling him off.

I’m not blaming you at all, because you must be at the end of your tether, but the way you’re dealing with his lying isn’t working, and may actually be making him worse. Have you tried just saying it straight “I know you are lying so am not going to continue talking to you right now”?

FraggleRocking Tue 22-Jan-19 17:16:10

OP, your posts are really resonating with me. Many years ago, for a period of about 12-18 months my DP would lie to me, about big things, little things and things in between until we hit a breaking point. Like you, it was obvious when he lied to me. You just know, so you’re not sure why? The trust felt like it was completely broken and I started doing insane stuff like opening his post (not proud). Then, he broke too. He was ashamed and scared. We had the most phenomenal, emotional talk. We both learnt a lot and it turns out we both had our part to play. Yes, he was wrong to lie, but he had his reasons and slowly the trust rebuilt. We communicate amazingly now, much better than before and I can’t remember the last time a lie was told. He is now my DH.
I, personally, think your situation is workable but there will probably be some underlying issues and he might be frightened to communicate. Oh, and you need to give up being angry, I spent far too long doing this. It’s just exhausting. If you’re not sure about working it out just the 2 of you, I’d definitely agree with others who suggest counselling. Good luck.

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