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To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

(186 Posts)
breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 22:48:08

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:25:27

Ha ha, no one seems to be quite getting the point that the internet order isn’t the issue. It’s nothing to do with anything dodgy. It’s just a harmless book!! I’d asked him to order it, and he said he had, but it never arrived, then he said it had gone to his work instead, then he kept forgetting to collect it, now he’s saying he’s retuned it and has bought the audiobook instead.

I repeat, i don’t give a toss about the book, I give a toss about probable lying, and also now the fact that he’s trying to make me feel bad for asking him for evidence of the order.

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable but it really doesn’t feel like it.

PolkaDoting Sun 20-Jan-19 23:25:32

Yes, how long would it take him to show you that he’s returned it? 3 seconds? So why hasn’t he? Cos he’s lying. You know it, he knows it and we know it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 20-Jan-19 23:25:37

If he's been caught out lying many times before, and has promised he won't lie to you again, then I think YANBU. Why SHOULD you trust his word, when it's been shown to be worthless before, many times? He's a bit bloody hopeful, isn't he?

The fact that he doesn't even want to show you any evidence that he's not lying would be a MASSIVE hint that he actually IS lying again but doesn't want you to find out.

I hate lying, I really do. If you can't trust what your partner says to be true, then there is no faith in them as a person and no faith in the relationship as a whole.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:26:25

If you don’t care about the internet order why did you ask him about it? Sounds like he’s scared of giving you the wrong answer.

I’m sure of course you never tell any little white lies.

JudgeRulesNutterButter Sun 20-Jan-19 23:27:06

He’d pretending to have some ethical dilemma about whether he “should” show you evidence? Fuck that shit. What imaginary bad thing happens if he shows it to you and he wasn’t lying?

Nicknacky Sun 20-Jan-19 23:28:39

Was the book for you?

KlutzyDraconequus Sun 20-Jan-19 23:29:57

If you don’t care about the internet order why did you ask him about it?

Because OP suspects he's lying... Are you not reading the same thread as me?

Man lies over lots of small and insignificant things.
Woman asks man to order her a book.
Man forgets, man lies.. and lies.. and lies.. and refuses to show proof.

Sounds like he has a problem telling the truth.

Asta19 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:31:10

I tell white lies sometimes like “oh yes I can see you’ve lost weight”. Consistent lying over stupid things shows deeper issues. I had an ex that lied like this. Every little thing he would lie about. A deep pan meat feast pizza came with our online shopping once. He said “oh I ordered it as a treat for you”. He knows I hate deep pan and wouldn’t eat a meat feast. Eventually he admitted he lied and it just got put in our shopping by mistake! But why lie? In the end he lied about bigger and bigger things, hence why he’s an ex. `OP YANBU.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:31:23

StreetwiseHercules, I asked him about the internet order because I wondered if the book had arrived yet. I think that’s reasonable. Then his shifty response made me suspect he was lying, which was upsetting as he doesn’t need to and promised he wouldn’t again.

Yes it feel likes a mum checking on her child, and I bloody hate that. But if I don’t believe him it’s not fair to not tell him that.

cordeliavorkosigan Sun 20-Jan-19 23:31:43

Don't ask for proof. Just tell him you don't believe him. If he wants you to believe him he has to stop lying, and if he wants you to believe this particular thing then he should give you his Amazon password or whatever it was and show you. But you shouldn't have to ask. At this point your default is not to believe this and if he wants to change that he has to take some action.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:32:17

I don’t understand why she didn’t just order the book herself rather than asking an unreliable person to do it.

I don’t ask people to do things and then badger them until they do and then kick off if they don’t give me the answers I think I’m due.

Controlling IMO.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:32:36

No nicknacky the book was not for me, it was for him but I’d asked him to read it. It was ironically about helping him be more assertive.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:33:26

Be honest. Would you have kicked off if he had turned around and said he hadn’t ordered it yet?

Nicknacky Sun 20-Jan-19 23:33:31

Clearly he didn’t want to read it but didn’t want to tell you that.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:34:13

“No nicknacky the book was not for me, it was for him but I’d asked him to read it. It was ironically about helping him be more assertive.”

OMG.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:35:22

“Clearly he didn’t want to read it but didn’t want to tell you that.”

Quite. Because you’d have kicked off.

FascinatingCarrot Sun 20-Jan-19 23:35:36

The last update has made me wonder how bossy you really are with this kid....

Fightingfit2019 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:36:29

Sounds like he didn’t want to read it, but you wanted him too, and he was afraid to tell you, so made up a lie and has been caught out. Question is- why was he afraid to tell you?

Butteredghost Sun 20-Jan-19 23:36:44

I'm with you OP, however he can't show it to you because it doesn't exist as he is lying again.

My ex was a constant liar about everything, from big to the smallest most irrelevant things. Asking him to show proof would lead to arguments about how I should just trust him. Even if it became obvious he was lying, it was still my fault apparently because the lie was nothing compared to the "crime" of me not trusting him. You can never come out on top with people like this.

"I'm sorry, I won't lie any more" is just another lie, said by a known liar.

jacks11 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:38:29

The thing is that even if he does have the evidence and is able to show it to you it won't change anything, will it? You may believe him this time, but fundamentally you do not trust him and so this will rear it's head again in the future. Probably sooner rather than later too.

This lack of trust will eat away at your relationship if you don't address it. So yes, he does need to stop lying even if over small things for you to rebuild trust. But equally, you will have to be willing to try to trust him as continually looking for things and questioning him isn't going to help either (not saying you are over this, more of a general observation). The other thing is to examine why he feels the need to lie, as it is possible that there is an underlying cause (either his own issue or a relationship one, for example).

Have you thought of seeking relationship counselling?

IsItThatTimeAgain Sun 20-Jan-19 23:39:07

My ex was and probably still is a compulsive liar, so I totally get the issue OP. Towards the end he even lied about stupid shit.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:39:26

Why copy and repeat what I just said?

We’ve both been trying to help our relationship by talking about why he lies. We agreed it was lack of assertiveness. So I found him a book with good reviews. Cheaper than counselling. He agreed it sounded good and said he’d order it.

If he’d forgotten to order it I would have laughed and just asked if he still wanted to . I am actually a nice person.

Fortunatelymine Sun 20-Jan-19 23:41:57

He has created this situation by lying repeatedly in the past. So he really hasn't got a leg to stand on, being asked for evidence is a direct consequence of lying before. So anyone fixated on the book, or saying that OP is controlling - don't you think it more likely that she has just reached the end of her patience with being constantly lied to? Would you be happy to believe everything if you knew you'd been lied to repeatedly in the past? hmm

Lavenderee Sun 20-Jan-19 23:42:24

He didn’t order the book and has made this little lying house of cards about it. Probably, as others have said, because he thought you’d kick off. But why? Why did you want him to read this book? Did he say he would? Did he ask you for your recommendation or help? Because that’s what my ex would do when he fucked up. Act confused as to where he was going wrong, and all contrite, ask me what I suggested, get me looking for ways to help, promise to take steps and never follow through, then make a stupid web of lies as to why he hadn’t done so. Control. That’s what it is. People trying to make out you’re being controlling have obviously never tried to make a relationship work with a pathological liar

Absentwomen Sun 20-Jan-19 23:44:00

Blimey, OP.

You 'recommended' a book for your DH on being more assertive.

He somehow fucks it all up. And you want him to 'prove' that he has returned the order... you think he's lying.

This is not about the return. This is about you and your issuing intructions and him not responding to your instructions.

Re-read your posts and have a think about your outputs. (You know, like you instruct him and a forum to see things from your point of view)

Then come back and let your thread know how that all goes for you. K?

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