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To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

(186 Posts)
breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 22:48:08

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 22:48:47

Depends on what it is you think he has done and why you think it.

Nicknacky Sun 20-Jan-19 22:49:02

It’s hard to say without knowing what you think he is lying about.

HollowTalk Sun 20-Jan-19 22:49:30

He has to earn your trust and if you feel you need him to prove it, then he should. If he can, which I doubt.

HeddaGarbled Sun 20-Jan-19 22:53:27

I think it’s pretty much a pointless argument. As you say, you don’t trust him, because he’s a liar.

Why on earth he thinks you should trust him is beyond logic.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 22:53:53

Does it really matter what it’s about? It’s only a small thing but the fact I feel he’s lying eats away at me.

Due to many lies in the past I feel that he’s forgone the right of my trust and needs to show me the evidence (which is of an internet order).

Fiddie Sun 20-Jan-19 22:55:00

What's he lied about?

Nicknacky Sun 20-Jan-19 22:55:35

I think it does matter and why you don’t believe him.

If my h wanted proof of everyday things I had done then without good reason, I would probably tell him to beat it.

gamerchick Sun 20-Jan-19 22:56:21

Well I would but I lived with a pathological liar for years.

It won't make you feel better knowing though. He would have still lied and you'll feel all those disappointed frustrated feelings you always do when you find out he has.

Butterymuffin Sun 20-Jan-19 22:56:57

What will you do if he refuses?

Wolfiefan Sun 20-Jan-19 22:58:08

Won’t help will it? Even if he hasn’t lied this time you will still be suspicious and waiting for the next lie.
Why does he lie?

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:03:34

Nicknacky, he’s being evasive about an internet order he says he’s now returned. I just know the signs of him lying.

If he refuses I will assume he’s lying again and tell him so. Not sure what will happen from there.

He lies because he’s afraid of facing up to awkward situations. Passive aggressive.

Nicknacky Sun 20-Jan-19 23:05:01

What is the issue with the item he has ordered?

Fortunatelymine Sun 20-Jan-19 23:10:37

YADNBU. Noone should lie to their partner that regularly, esp as its over petty stuff. Doesn't be realise he's ruining his chances of being believed in the event of something more important? There's no justified reason for his constant lies, he really needs to get help stopping, and if he has the hump about being asked to provide evidence, tough. Stop lying. He created that situation.
My dh was the same about a different matter, but still with the lies. He was arsey about having to prove what he said, but I think he finally understood why. And it is a small but necessary step in rebuilding trust and countering the disrespect and dismissal he shows towards you every time he lies.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:11:27

The internet order is not the issue. This is exactly what I’m telling him.

I couldn’t give a toss about the internet order. I give a toss about him lying about something.

It makes not one iota of difference what the lie is about. Surely.

He owes me the proof because he’s made me upset and stressed that I think he’s yet again lied to me when he promised he never would again. It hurts.

Mixedbags Sun 20-Jan-19 23:13:04

Is it too late for him to return the item if he hasn’t? Maybe reassure him that you may be annoyed but it’s not too late?

newnameforthis7 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:14:31

Most men are born liars.

Not a lot you can do about it really.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:15:39

mixedbags, I don’t care about the internet order, nothing is late, don’t care what it is. The issue is the lie. I care that he’s probably lied to me. Don’t care what about.

newnameforthis7 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:16:07

Some men lie to impress, and to make themselves and their lives sound better, and some men just lie for the sake of lying to flower things up, or get themselves out of trouble.

Women lie of course, but men lie MUCH more.

Disquieted1 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:16:19

YABU asking for proof. Are you going to ask for proof every single time?
If you can't trust him, then there is simply no relationship. Proof of this one instance is irrelevant.

Merryoldgoat Sun 20-Jan-19 23:16:41

So I’m guessing it’s a type of thing you’d give as a gift to another woman? Or a big purchase you’ve not discussed?

If my DH asked for proof I’d show him but I’d be a bit pissed off. However I don’t have a track record for lying and if I did I’d show without issue.

KlutzyDraconequus Sun 20-Jan-19 23:19:06

I get you OP.

It's not anything to do with the order, it's the lying for no real reason. Constant little lies about insignificant things can be like rust. It just keeps on eroding the trust between two people until there's a hole.

My tthinking, and it's often twisted up but, I'd say that if he has a simple option of showing you proof he's telling the truth and he's not taking that simple option, he's definitely hiding something.
Add that to the fact that the woman he's supposed to love and respect has asked him to do something simple and easy to set her mind at ease and he's choosing not to alieviate your pain, shows his real attitude.

Never listen to the words, always listen to the actions.

Lovingbenidorm Sun 20-Jan-19 23:19:27

The order clearly isn’t the issue here.
You are upset because he’s lied.
But you asking for proof smacks a little of control. It sounds like he is behaving like your wayward son and you are the cross mum.

Lalliella Sun 20-Jan-19 23:22:00

Of course you don’t trust him. He lies. Why would he expect you to ever believe him. Is he a 3 year old? Tbh this would be a deal-breaker for me. If he can lie about little things he can lie about big things too.

Smotheroffive Sun 20-Jan-19 23:22:51

I think OP is spot on. Its the continual being lied to about anything, its hard to know what any trust then, or if there's any truth in anything he says.

I think you'vr come to a certain point in your relationship, although I'm not sure relationship is the word with a liar, as its all a bit baseless when you don't know what's what any more.

He's an an idiot and needs to grow up and deal with life or lose you I reckon.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:25:27

Ha ha, no one seems to be quite getting the point that the internet order isn’t the issue. It’s nothing to do with anything dodgy. It’s just a harmless book!! I’d asked him to order it, and he said he had, but it never arrived, then he said it had gone to his work instead, then he kept forgetting to collect it, now he’s saying he’s retuned it and has bought the audiobook instead.

I repeat, i don’t give a toss about the book, I give a toss about probable lying, and also now the fact that he’s trying to make me feel bad for asking him for evidence of the order.

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable but it really doesn’t feel like it.

PolkaDoting Sun 20-Jan-19 23:25:32

Yes, how long would it take him to show you that he’s returned it? 3 seconds? So why hasn’t he? Cos he’s lying. You know it, he knows it and we know it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 20-Jan-19 23:25:37

If he's been caught out lying many times before, and has promised he won't lie to you again, then I think YANBU. Why SHOULD you trust his word, when it's been shown to be worthless before, many times? He's a bit bloody hopeful, isn't he?

The fact that he doesn't even want to show you any evidence that he's not lying would be a MASSIVE hint that he actually IS lying again but doesn't want you to find out.

I hate lying, I really do. If you can't trust what your partner says to be true, then there is no faith in them as a person and no faith in the relationship as a whole.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:26:25

If you don’t care about the internet order why did you ask him about it? Sounds like he’s scared of giving you the wrong answer.

I’m sure of course you never tell any little white lies.

JudgeRulesNutterButter Sun 20-Jan-19 23:27:06

He’d pretending to have some ethical dilemma about whether he “should” show you evidence? Fuck that shit. What imaginary bad thing happens if he shows it to you and he wasn’t lying?

Nicknacky Sun 20-Jan-19 23:28:39

Was the book for you?

KlutzyDraconequus Sun 20-Jan-19 23:29:57

If you don’t care about the internet order why did you ask him about it?

Because OP suspects he's lying... Are you not reading the same thread as me?

Man lies over lots of small and insignificant things.
Woman asks man to order her a book.
Man forgets, man lies.. and lies.. and lies.. and refuses to show proof.

Sounds like he has a problem telling the truth.

Asta19 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:31:10

I tell white lies sometimes like “oh yes I can see you’ve lost weight”. Consistent lying over stupid things shows deeper issues. I had an ex that lied like this. Every little thing he would lie about. A deep pan meat feast pizza came with our online shopping once. He said “oh I ordered it as a treat for you”. He knows I hate deep pan and wouldn’t eat a meat feast. Eventually he admitted he lied and it just got put in our shopping by mistake! But why lie? In the end he lied about bigger and bigger things, hence why he’s an ex. `OP YANBU.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:31:23

StreetwiseHercules, I asked him about the internet order because I wondered if the book had arrived yet. I think that’s reasonable. Then his shifty response made me suspect he was lying, which was upsetting as he doesn’t need to and promised he wouldn’t again.

Yes it feel likes a mum checking on her child, and I bloody hate that. But if I don’t believe him it’s not fair to not tell him that.

cordeliavorkosigan Sun 20-Jan-19 23:31:43

Don't ask for proof. Just tell him you don't believe him. If he wants you to believe him he has to stop lying, and if he wants you to believe this particular thing then he should give you his Amazon password or whatever it was and show you. But you shouldn't have to ask. At this point your default is not to believe this and if he wants to change that he has to take some action.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:32:17

I don’t understand why she didn’t just order the book herself rather than asking an unreliable person to do it.

I don’t ask people to do things and then badger them until they do and then kick off if they don’t give me the answers I think I’m due.

Controlling IMO.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:32:36

No nicknacky the book was not for me, it was for him but I’d asked him to read it. It was ironically about helping him be more assertive.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:33:26

Be honest. Would you have kicked off if he had turned around and said he hadn’t ordered it yet?

Nicknacky Sun 20-Jan-19 23:33:31

Clearly he didn’t want to read it but didn’t want to tell you that.

StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:34:13

“No nicknacky the book was not for me, it was for him but I’d asked him to read it. It was ironically about helping him be more assertive.”


StreetwiseHercules Sun 20-Jan-19 23:35:22

“Clearly he didn’t want to read it but didn’t want to tell you that.”

Quite. Because you’d have kicked off.

FascinatingCarrot Sun 20-Jan-19 23:35:36

The last update has made me wonder how bossy you really are with this kid....

Fightingfit2019 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:36:29

Sounds like he didn’t want to read it, but you wanted him too, and he was afraid to tell you, so made up a lie and has been caught out. Question is- why was he afraid to tell you?

Butteredghost Sun 20-Jan-19 23:36:44

I'm with you OP, however he can't show it to you because it doesn't exist as he is lying again.

My ex was a constant liar about everything, from big to the smallest most irrelevant things. Asking him to show proof would lead to arguments about how I should just trust him. Even if it became obvious he was lying, it was still my fault apparently because the lie was nothing compared to the "crime" of me not trusting him. You can never come out on top with people like this.

"I'm sorry, I won't lie any more" is just another lie, said by a known liar.

jacks11 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:38:29

The thing is that even if he does have the evidence and is able to show it to you it won't change anything, will it? You may believe him this time, but fundamentally you do not trust him and so this will rear it's head again in the future. Probably sooner rather than later too.

This lack of trust will eat away at your relationship if you don't address it. So yes, he does need to stop lying even if over small things for you to rebuild trust. But equally, you will have to be willing to try to trust him as continually looking for things and questioning him isn't going to help either (not saying you are over this, more of a general observation). The other thing is to examine why he feels the need to lie, as it is possible that there is an underlying cause (either his own issue or a relationship one, for example).

Have you thought of seeking relationship counselling?

IsItThatTimeAgain Sun 20-Jan-19 23:39:07

My ex was and probably still is a compulsive liar, so I totally get the issue OP. Towards the end he even lied about stupid shit.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:39:26

Why copy and repeat what I just said?

We’ve both been trying to help our relationship by talking about why he lies. We agreed it was lack of assertiveness. So I found him a book with good reviews. Cheaper than counselling. He agreed it sounded good and said he’d order it.

If he’d forgotten to order it I would have laughed and just asked if he still wanted to . I am actually a nice person.

Fortunatelymine Sun 20-Jan-19 23:41:57

He has created this situation by lying repeatedly in the past. So he really hasn't got a leg to stand on, being asked for evidence is a direct consequence of lying before. So anyone fixated on the book, or saying that OP is controlling - don't you think it more likely that she has just reached the end of her patience with being constantly lied to? Would you be happy to believe everything if you knew you'd been lied to repeatedly in the past? hmm

Lavenderee Sun 20-Jan-19 23:42:24

He didn’t order the book and has made this little lying house of cards about it. Probably, as others have said, because he thought you’d kick off. But why? Why did you want him to read this book? Did he say he would? Did he ask you for your recommendation or help? Because that’s what my ex would do when he fucked up. Act confused as to where he was going wrong, and all contrite, ask me what I suggested, get me looking for ways to help, promise to take steps and never follow through, then make a stupid web of lies as to why he hadn’t done so. Control. That’s what it is. People trying to make out you’re being controlling have obviously never tried to make a relationship work with a pathological liar

Absentwomen Sun 20-Jan-19 23:44:00

Blimey, OP.

You 'recommended' a book for your DH on being more assertive.

He somehow fucks it all up. And you want him to 'prove' that he has returned the order... you think he's lying.

This is not about the return. This is about you and your issuing intructions and him not responding to your instructions.

Re-read your posts and have a think about your outputs. (You know, like you instruct him and a forum to see things from your point of view)

Then come back and let your thread know how that all goes for you. K?

jacks11 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:44:06

Having read your update OP, I too wonder if the reason he has lied (if indeed he has done so) is that he did not really want to read this book but knew you'd be unhappy/angry that he didn't so didn't want to say. Or he forgot, but again was reluctant to say so as he knew he'd get an angry/irritated response and was trying to avoid it by making things up.

I now think that you may also have some aspects of your own to work on.

Smotheroffive Sun 20-Jan-19 23:44:22

Trust your instincts OP. He has lied continually from the get-go. Its no basis for a relationship.

Walkingdeadfangirl Sun 20-Jan-19 23:44:30

Definitely sounds controlling. If you have to ask him to prove such trivial things then you need to separate. He will grow to resent you and probably lie even more to punish you for treating him like a child.

You need to get some help about not sweating the small stuff.

potatoscone Sun 20-Jan-19 23:44:45

I ended my first marriage because of silly lies. I totally get it. If they lie, they lie. You can never relax and never trust anything in your relationship. Insignificant lies turn in to massive fucking whoppers over time.

Smotheroffive Sun 20-Jan-19 23:45:14

Yes, I agree, some are reading a different thread to us!

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:45:40

Thanks everyone, I need to get to sleep now but glad that some people understand (and good to hear the other side of opinions too, though they’re quite harsh!) I’m hoping we can work this out tomorrow.

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:46:43

Walkingdeadfangirl - is lying ‘small stuff’?

breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 23:47:23

Ok definitely not going to read any more comments now and am off to sleep!

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 20-Jan-19 23:51:47

I agree that the issue isnt the order, its the lies.

My ex was like this, he would lie all the time and the frustrating thing, which I could never get him to understand, was that he is a terrible liar! It was always written all over his face. So in your situation I would be able to say straight away "You forgot didnt you?" and he would deny, lie more, get angry and shouty and blame me....... Then days later the book would magically appear, having been "delivered" during the odd 5 minutes I wasnt in the house that day and there would be no evidence of said order on his amazon account. There would however be a Waterstones bag that mysteriously appeared in the bag box. Bad at lying and thick as mince to boot.

And it was insidious. All these little pointless lies add up to rot away the marriage. Instead of saying "Oh shit, I forgot, I'll do it now" or whatever he would lie lie lie about absolutely everything.

Hence "Ex".

Walkingdeadfangirl Sun 20-Jan-19 23:52:05

is lying ‘small stuff’?
If he is lying and you can't trust him then that is the problem that need to be dealt with. Asking him to 'prove' trivial things is controlling and will make things worse not better.

Jenasaurus Mon 21-Jan-19 00:03:14

Is he embarrassed about it, I mean did he not order it as he couldn't afford to but didn't want to tell you and then got himself in a mess...I don't know but if that was the reason then its not so bad as lying for no reason, if that makes sense, was the book your Christmas present and he panicked as he hadn't ordered it and then doesn't want to admit to it..

MarthasGinYard Mon 21-Jan-19 00:03:42

I get you Op

It's being with a liar.

It doesn't actually matter what the lie is, could even be something more trivial than the book order 'lie'. It really doesn't matter.

Op, it will be the smallest lie that finally will be the straw that....

Jenasaurus Mon 21-Jan-19 00:07:57

sorry missposted. I have read the thread now and can see why he didn't order the book. I wouldn't of done it either in his shoes. The relationship is unbalanced, your in charge and then checking up on him. Your treating him like a child and he is rebelling, but I don't blame him

Smotheroffive Mon 21-Jan-19 00:18:08

I wouldn't bother reading the thread again OP. Some are OK with being lied to continually, and will batter you with it to within an inch of your life until you feel utter shit. Based on what? Nothing...

StoppinBy Mon 21-Jan-19 00:21:44

Unfortunately for him he has put himself in a position where you don't trust him, now he will have to prove himself over and over until you learn to trust him. If that's not how he wanted to live then he shouldn't have put himself there.


Absofuckinglutely Mon 21-Jan-19 00:27:16

Boy who cried wolf.

This may be over something petty, but it points to a deep issue and something that has the potential to sour every aspect of your relationship. Lies are insidious and the most damaging thing you can do in a relationship. You'll end up losing total respect for him and disbelieving and doubting every word he says. That's a very slippery slope.
If you can't get to the bottom of why he feels the need to lie, and if he won't admit he does this and doesn't want to change, I think you have a major problem.

CSIblonde Mon 21-Jan-19 01:34:41

If it's something you can't afford or gift to another woman he needs to show proof he's returned it. If its just a bog standard item I can't see the need even if he does tend to lie: It's 'small stuff'. Pick your battles.

troubleswillbeoutofsight Mon 21-Jan-19 06:17:21

I think you know he's still lying. I've yet to meet a liar who stops lying. It's part of his personality OP
I don't think you actually need 'proof', you already know
So now what? The ball's in your court, stay with someone you will never ever be able to trust to tell you the truth? Or leave?

Fortunatelymine Mon 21-Jan-19 06:32:49

If he is lying and you can't trust him then that is the problem that need to be dealt with. Asking him to 'prove' trivial things is controlling and will make things worse not better.
And how exactly do you suggest she stops him lying?

FlagFish Mon 21-Jan-19 06:36:57

This would drive me mad OP!

Have you considered a marriage course? Cheaper than counselling. It could help you to break the bad communication patterns in your relationship.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 21-Jan-19 06:41:26

Definitely sounds like he’s lying. Understand why you’re so frustrated.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead Mon 21-Jan-19 06:43:29

* I don’t care about the internet order, nothing is late, don’t care what it is. The issue is the lie. I care that he’s probably lied to me. Don’t care what about.*

Then why are you bothered if he is lying or not, I would only be interested if someone was lying if I was concerned about the lie in particular. I would be more concerned as to why he feels he has to lie about something all the time, do you usually react to stuff he does or doesn’t do in a loud and aggressive manner, is he just trying to keep you off his back but going a very convoluted way about it. You must have asked him about the order for him to feel he needs to explain himself, be it in a dishonest or truthful manner, why is it your business whether he has returned the item or not ( if this is the case here) I would advise getting off his back a bit so he doesn’t feel he HAS to lie all the time.

JasperKarat Mon 21-Jan-19 06:45:35

In the kindest sense OP I think this relationship is over, you don't trust him anymore about even small things and that's showing itself in demanding/controlling behaviours, you have an odd parent child dynamic. Either get proper couples counselling or walk away.

gamerwidow Mon 21-Jan-19 06:45:59

Be honest. Would you have kicked off if he had turned around and said he hadn’t ordered it yet?
So you’re entirely happy to be lied to by people just because they think you’ll be annoyed by the truth because they haven’t done what they said they would?
That’s frankly an odd take on relationships. I don’t expect my DH to do everything I tell him but I certainly would be pissed off if he pretended to do stuff then lied about it.

gamerwidow Mon 21-Jan-19 06:47:49

No one has to lie. The OPs DH has made a decision to pretend to do stuff and then lie about it instead of facing the situation and either saying no I won’t do that or doing it.
Who wants to live like that?

gamerwidow Mon 21-Jan-19 06:50:06

Imagine if you’d asked your DH to get some milk and he didn’t but instead of saying oh I didn’t get time to go that he said I bought it but it must be lost somewhere I’ll go and look for it. Not a major thing but that shit would get old fast!

StreetwiseHercules Mon 21-Jan-19 06:52:19

I don’t think the guy is answerable for books he does or doesn’t order for himself.

chordFire Mon 21-Jan-19 06:53:31

It sounds like you've gotten to the point of intolerance to his lies. I can see why you are bothered by this and want proof.

Waytooearly Mon 21-Jan-19 06:55:21

It is really interesting for me to read this thread. Rightly or wrongly I find myself sympathising with your husband. He clearly lied because he feared you kicking off about it. For some reason he just couldn't face saying, 'No, I have no interest in that book so I am not going to order it.'

Annoying yes, maybe passive aggressive, but maybe approach it with a bit of sympathy?

TeddybearBaby Mon 21-Jan-19 06:55:27

My husband used to be like this. He was brought up like it....... if something is difficult to deal with / you’re in the wrong just lie and it all goes away.

We dealt with it by me just not standing for it tbh, he knew that if I caught him lying I’d be gone. It was such an insult!

People lie to their kids all the time as well - apart from the odd white lie I never have. I hate it so ynbu.

Fortunatelymine Mon 21-Jan-19 06:57:15

He clearly lied because he feared you kicking off about it
No, that is not clear at all. He has a history of lying.

gamerwidow Mon 21-Jan-19 06:57:34

I don’t think the guy is answerable for books he does or doesn’t order for himself.
It’s not about the books the books are the last straw.
He could be lying about anything is the act of lying not what he is lying about.
Do you have people who lie habitually to you? It’s hard to understand the frustration of never being able to believe a word someone says if you don’t?

Waytooearly Mon 21-Jan-19 07:03:58

If you thought he'd enjoy the book why didn't you just order it for him and give it to him as a gift?

Instead you instructed him to order it. You knew he probably wouldn't because he hates being told things and has a habit of passive resistance. So you've set it up as a test for him to fail.

Now you've had the predictable outcome, you're demanding third party evidence.

What the fuck? If you don't trust him, break up. Sounds like a living hell.

Mummadeeze Mon 21-Jan-19 07:04:16

I live with a liar. It is v annoying, and confusing. The people who are not sympathising have probably not been in this situation. No real advice. I can always tell but have had the odd occasion where I have been wrong because I just come to expect it now. This doesn’t sound like an important lie, but in this instance I would say, I know you lied about ordering the first book, you didn’t need to as I would not have thought less of you for not having got round to it. Please try to tell the truth from now on, even about trivial things or things won’t improve. And then hope he listens to the audiobook and that it helps him.

FrozenMargaritas Mon 21-Jan-19 07:04:32

My ex was a habitual liar. A lot of pp cannot understand the mental bullshit and gaslighting of living with a liar.

My ex lied about everything. Which train he was on, where he went for coffee, which supermarket he went to, what he had for dinner. Everything.

And I can guarantee Ops dh is taking the same tack as some of the posters on this thread - "you're kicking off", "controlling", "why are you getting worked up about a book".

Can we not listen to OP when she says she doesn't care about the book?

cantfindname Mon 21-Jan-19 07:06:33

Amuses me that some posters 'need' to know the ins and outs of the story instead of answering the question. Nosy buggers.

If he is a habitual liar then he has lost your trust, obviously. To begin to regain it he should be eager to prove he is being honest with you. Which he obviously isn't...

Birdsgottafly Mon 21-Jan-19 07:10:51

"He lies because he’s afraid of facing up to awkward situations."
"Sounds like he’s scared of giving you the wrong answer."

gamerwidow, people in abusive relationships, lie to protect themselves.

That could be what's happening here.

OP, your relationship is controlling and bullying. To me, it sounds as though he lies to pacify you. It's the easy way out, yes, but this situation doesn't come about, in what should be an equal relationship, without a level of abusive/controlling, behaviour from the other Partner.

He's an Adult, he shouldn't need an easy way out over small things, or things that are his business, because you don't get to dissect them.

You have got into an odd Parent/Child dynamic, possibly, but if the sexes were reversed, it wouldn't be viewed as that. He would be told to get advice to get the courage to leave.

For this to go on, day-in, day-out, shows a level of emotional abuse, as well.

When you say you want him to be more assertive, are there other aspects of his life that he isn't good enough in, as far as your concerned? Do you think you should get a say in everything, is he allowed to be his own person, have his own personality?

TaintforTheLikesOfWe Mon 21-Jan-19 07:12:26

Laughing at all the right on types on here apparently cool with their DH lying even about tiny things.

"John's new car is red"
"No it's not it's yellow"

"Oh, OK let's just have a nice life despite your lying ".

ItchyAnkles Mon 21-Jan-19 07:15:48

I'm in the process of breaking up with a liar too. The lying is cowardly and shows how a person just can't take responsibility for their actions and the potential consequences. To everyone who is saying
"he lied because you were going to kick off", the kicking off happens because of the discovery of the lies and knowing there is a history of lying makes it so difficult to trust them. It's created by the liar! It's a horrible situation to be in because you are forced into the controlling position of checking up on everything and issuing instructions etc. I hate the role I've been forced into and it is now ending. Life is too short for this shit.

Birdsgottafly Mon 21-Jan-19 07:16:06

cantfindname, it does matter what's its over.

Some of the first questions, to work out if you are in an abusive relationship are:
"do you have to lie to keep the peace"
"do you find yourself walking on eggshells"
"do you get hounded for days over small indiscretions"
"does your Partner tell you that you aren't good enough"

I'd bet the OP's DP could answer, yes, on the usual checklist, of being in a controlling relationship.

Storminateacup1 Mon 21-Jan-19 07:19:32

Unless you’ve been with a habitual liar you don’t get how crazy it can drive you.

You sit there wondering ‘Why won’t they just tell me the truth? Is it me, am I a horrible person? And the answer is no, people like that aren’t always ‘abused’ or vunerable, they’re just bloody liars and are wired that way.

It’s frustrating and I feel for you OP. To hell with the book, it’s just another bloody lie to add the the pile.

ReanimatedSGB Mon 21-Jan-19 07:19:34

If you are constantly telling someone what to do and micromanaging them it serves you right if that person lies to you. You sound controlling to the point of abusive.

ItchyAnkles Mon 21-Jan-19 07:19:48


You're assuming the dp didn't learn to lie in a previous relationship or during an abusive childhood. My partner began the relationship lying and I didn't twig for 2 years. Once this pattern of behaviour is learned it sticks unless professional help is sought to break the impulse. Its unfair of you to brand the Op abusive because her dp chooses to lie. You don't know the history.

TheNoodlesIncident Mon 21-Jan-19 07:22:15

I was thinking what Butteredghost went on to say: when he said he wouldn't lie again, he was lying. Because he's a liar.

People like this lie about stupid things that were pointless lying about in the first place. There are very many responses to not ordering a book which are sensible and probably honest, such as Oh I forgot, or I thought about it and couldn't be arsed, or I thought about and decided I didn't want to. All would have been fine if he had said something along those lines to OP.

But he didn't, because a liar's response to this sort of thing is to lie. I couldn't cope with that personally, but then I'm not OP.

silkpyjamasallday Mon 21-Jan-19 07:22:37

I understand that it's the lying that's the issue, not the book. DP went through a long phase of lying to me about going to the pub, he always seemed unusually interested in going out to do errands. Fetching milk took over two hours, because apparently none of the four shops on our road had any. Obvious lie, he went to the pub to see his mates and made up a huge lie about having to travel ages to find anywhere with milk. If he had just gone and got the milk then said he was going to the pub that would have been fine with me, it's the lying that upset and angered me. It really eroded the trust in our relationship, and it has taken a long long time to get back to a good place because of it. I think it will be the reason we break up though tbh. If a liar can't change then there isn't much hope, trust is the foundation of a relationship and once that's gone I don't see the point in continuing. I hope you find some way of improving your situation OP, I know how shit it is flowers

TwoGinScentedTears Mon 21-Jan-19 07:22:53

Do you like being married to him?

SlowDown76mph Mon 21-Jan-19 07:24:48

Sometimes... people lie and are evasive because they are nervous, intimidated, or suffering abuse. Self-preservation. Just adding another possible perspective here.

Birdsgottafly Mon 21-Jan-19 07:26:10

"It's a horrible situation to be in because you are forced into the controlling position of checking up on everything and issuing instructions etc"

If you look back, you'd probably realise that there was an unreasonable level of control to start with.

"Laughing at all the right on types on here apparently cool with their DH lying even about tiny things."

I've just experienced Women in controlling relationships having to lie "to keep the peace", because it isn't worth the Mental torture. Men can be in controlling relationships.

Controlling people rarely recognise how controlling they are.

There's people coming at this from different angles, but coming to the same conclusion, the relationship needs to end.

ItchyAnkles Mon 21-Jan-19 07:34:52


"It's a horrible situation to be in because you are forced into the controlling position of checking up on everything and issuing instructions etc"

If you look back, you'd probably realise that there was an unreasonable level of control to start with.

Am easy assumption to make, but there really wasn't. I'm a very chilled out and passive person generally, happy to leave other people to their own stuff. As the lies became more apparent and more frequent I found myself constantly suspicious and double checking everything. I hate it because its not what I'm naturally like. Dp's ex wife is very controlling and emotionally abusive, threatening to call SS constantly if dp steps out of line (his youngest is 17 and he is a good dad!) I understand and sympathise with where the habit of lying has come from but I don't want it in my relationship, it has no place here. Its not my responsibility to 'fix' dp or to overlook and sanction when he lies to me because of his bad experiences. That is why the relationship is ending.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed Mon 21-Jan-19 07:35:03

I agree with Birdsgottafly and SGB, this has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. The OP sounds controlling and petty.

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