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AIBU?

Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

334 replies

notasahp · 20/01/2019 19:26

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around Blush

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

OP posts:
Meesh77 · 20/01/2019 19:26

Being a SAHM must be mentally draining. I couldn’t have done it myself.

Corkleg · 20/01/2019 19:28

You get to take a shit alone.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2019 19:29

It's quite possible to be a SAHM and be exhausted.

Women are different. Babies are different.

If you complained to someone with a harder job than yours and a baby who slept less, that you were exhausted, it wouldn't make you any less tired if they pointed out their life was harder, would it?

missmapp · 20/01/2019 19:29

I think that comparing lifestyles is only going to end in bitterness. I am a teacher and went back to work when ds 1 was 9 months. At first I was jealous of those who didn't have to work but then, during the six week holiday, when i was at home all day, realised that role had its challenges too.

When women stop comparing we will be a lot happier

nomorespaghetti · 20/01/2019 19:30

If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Because babies are known for their late starts to the day, chilled out attitudes after a bad nights sleep, and their predictable naps!

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/01/2019 19:30

That "nap when the baby naps" thing used to really rile me when I was on maternity leave. Not possible for many women, if you're lucky that your baby naps in their cot/Moses basket etc and not on you/in a moving pram/car/sling etc then maybe if you didn't have housework to do you could nap...

She is privileged to be able to afford to live off one salary. It isn't a misery competition though, and she may well be exhausted for her, and why should she not talk to her friend about that?

Bernadetteloves · 20/01/2019 19:30

What is this thread even about? Are you saying your friend can never moan about her life again because she and her DH have plenty of money?

katykins85 · 20/01/2019 19:31

Bollocks is work harder than staying at home! I work in a very demanding role with violent sex offenders- I choose to do this FT as I findit less draining than being at home with 2 toddlers all day. You may call it a privilege but i call it hell 😂

ILoveGroot · 20/01/2019 19:31

I work full time, all my annual leave is used up covering the school holidays. When I have a week of with my son, I feel like I go back to work for a rest. I would love to be a SAHP, but I feel it would be much harder work than my job!

tinytreefrog · 20/01/2019 19:31

A little bit of both I think OP. If you havent had to balance work and young children you don't appreciate how easy it must be if you don't have to do the juggling act. I also used to feel a little bitter to my friends who were SAHMs and didn't seem to appreciate how lucky they were, and I only worked part time when mine were small.

Hedgehog80 · 20/01/2019 19:32

I’m a sahm and have 5 dc
If the baby has a bad night I still have to get up to get other dc to school

EwItsAHooman · 20/01/2019 19:32

You know comparison is the thief of joy.

She finds her role tiring and sometimes stressful, you find your role tiring and sometimes stressful. Can't you just empathise with each other and let it go?

wendz86 · 20/01/2019 19:33

She has every right to complain about being tired . I work and don’t think that I have more right to complain than a sahm.

hidinginthenightgarden · 20/01/2019 19:33

I actually don’t think being a SAHM is any easier. If you are actively engaging with your toddler all day then it is pretty hard work and actually emotionally quite tiring.
I really struggled when I only worked 2 days. That said, if I had plenty of money to go out and do whatever we wanted, it might help.

MmmMalbec · 20/01/2019 19:34

I’m a SAHM and often I’m very envious of women who work. You get dinner breaks, tea breaks, solo trips to the loo, adult conversation, being able to achieve something in a day that’s not building towers or wiping bums. I could go on but I think you get the point. I won’t ever look back and wish I had spent less time with my kids but being a SAHM has tested me beyond all expectations. Most people I know accept that SAHM is very very difficult!!

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 20/01/2019 19:34

No please don't do that...i am and always have been a working mum
But don't look down or consider it easier to be a SAHM

Both situations have their challenges and benefits but you are absolutely kidding yourself if you think sahm is easier

I'm woman enough to admit I couldn't hack it , I was far more exhausted at home and the isolation was horrendous for me ,I love my DC more than anything but being a home is brutal

Saying that I am sure some couldn't do the balancing act and stress and challenges of working outside the home

Neither is simple and neither is better for some families ,don't be that awful person who tears other mother's down , it's tacky childish and says am awful lot about you

dingledangles · 20/01/2019 19:34

That's like saying do you know it's a privilege to have children at all? Do you know it's a privilege to have a job at all? It's all relative. There's always someone out there to compare it to but actually you can't. Everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel in their own situation and no one else is living it. Why does it matter if she complains she's exhausted? You can both be exhausted together. I'm a SAHM and yes I'm exhausted, my friend has no children and commutes and yes she's exhausted too Hmm

Neverunderfed · 20/01/2019 19:34

Having a choice is the privilege.

Camomila · 20/01/2019 19:34

Everyone needs to moan occasionally...my dr friend moans about her 70h weeks and no one says to her ‘but at least you earn £££’, I moan that I’d love to go to work ‘for a rest’ but no one is hiring, my p/t working friend moans that the full timers are the only ones invited to networking events...

MorningsEleven · 20/01/2019 19:35

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

I'm erring on the side of the latter.

Schoolchoicesucks · 20/01/2019 19:35

Having to get yourself and baby up & out in the morning is tough - sometimes I feel like I've done a day's work before even arriving at the office. So I get why you could feel envious at her more relaxed pace. But staying at home all day with a baby/toddler can feel pretty relentless too. If her dh is a banker he may well be out of the house long hours so she could be feeling pretty on her own with it too.
There are positives on both sides of sahm and wohm too. And what you have in common is greater than what divides you. Look for those things OP rather than focussing on the negatives.

HildaZelda · 20/01/2019 19:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I have a friend like this too. She's a SAHM and believes that every woman should be because "You shouldn't have children if you're not going to stay at home with them. Children shouldn't be farmed out to childminders"

I've pointed out to her that not everyone can afford to be a SAHM, but just get the same reply again.
Her husband doesn't even have an amazingly well paid job. He basically works his backside off so that she can be a SAHM because she told him she's not going back to work.

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Crispyturtle · 20/01/2019 19:36

YABU. I spend five days a week with my kids, and two days a week working 13 hour shifts in a very busy & stressful HCP role. Honestly, I look forward to the days I am at work as they are much easier!

Lollypop27 · 20/01/2019 19:37

It’s not a competition.

DwayneDibbly · 20/01/2019 19:37

I'm essentially a SAHM; I've got a part-time job working in social media but its hardly any hours a week. I actively look forward to going. If my DC would just settle at nursery I'd positively skip to work! I've gone from a full-time job and being an academic researcher in my spare time to watching Go Jetters on loop (catchy tune, mind!). The only reason I knew it was Sunday today was because CBeebies told me. Confused

Don't get me wrong, when I worked full time I was so envious of women who got to stay home all day with their kids.

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