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45 year age gap - Filipino bride

(293 Posts)
binkyblinky Fri 18-Jan-19 17:42:02

Argh help me.

My step dad (mum's Ex partner) is in his 60s. He split from my mum when I was 14 and we have remained very close. He has been like a dad to me and my sister.

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Well anyway he's gone to the Philippines and met someone - turns out she is only 19. (He has told us she is 25) but I've had a nosey on Facebook and found her.

I know the age gap is huge but I've seen bigger. I don't understand the attraction and I don't have a clue about Filipino culture. Is this the norm? Is he in danger?

We are going to visit him and have a frank discussion with him. She has applied to come over here on a work visa (she's a student)

Just wanted advice / thoughts. Also I know it's a shocking age gap. I don't need to be told that and I don't want to hear abuse towards him. I'm not keen on the idea.


QuantamBaby Fri 18-Jan-19 18:00:15

Yuck, frankly!

He wants a (very) young woman to have sex with. She sees him as a way of getting to the UK and being financially supported.

It's glorified prostitution and fucking grim....

TooTrueToBeGood Fri 18-Jan-19 18:02:02

Do you think he's vulnerable & being exploited?.

Why would it be the mature western adult that's being exploited and not the barely-an-adult from the developing world?

EmeraldShamrock Fri 18-Jan-19 18:04:41

I wouldn't be happy with the age gap and culture difference.
He is exploiting her, he could offer to help her have a better future if he wanted too but no he enters a sexual relationship with her, there are plenty of lady's waiting to meet Mr Europe in the Philippines.
Many in their 30s.
As a pp said they usually look much younger, she possible looks 14, if it was my Dad or SD I would see him as a prev now.

QuietContraryMary Fri 18-Jan-19 18:06:03

I'm not 100% on Filipino culture but this is quite common in other countries in the region and I'm sure the Philippines as well. Within the country I think there are fairly rigid gender roles so the wife is expected to cook, clean, have babies, and the man is doing his bit if he provides the cash - he doesn't really need to do any more than that.

Having said that I think it's a bit different in the UK in that in the home country she'd likely have a strong family network/neighbours etc. so there is much less of a concept of a couple as a standalone unit.

This is quite common and I don't think within country it would be seen as something unpleasant or objectionable. Obviously it's different in the UK because people are going to assume that she is a prostitute or whatever, and also because it might be difficult for her (though there are plenty of Filipinos in the UK so she can form a social network there).

One Asian friend suggested much the same in respect of a relation in similar circumstances (old, single, man), that he could easily be found a wife in Asia - it's a normal transaction in that sense in that I suppose there are lots of poor attractive women willing to enter into this sort of arrangement.

I don't think there's anything to be done on his side beyond I suppose making it clear that anything he does in the Philippines will be hers irrevocably, so he should be wary of converting ALL his cash into a house there or whatever. Clearly if he has cash savings then she is likely to end up with all of them upon his death, but that doesn't need to happen before then, IYSWIM.

Bluntness100 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:08:07

Where have you seen a bigger age gap than Over forty years?

People will make their own judgements. Clearly if he'd went for a woman in her thirties it would have been better than a teenager, but it is what it is.

YeOldeTrout Fri 18-Jan-19 18:08:36

If he's a creepy perv then why talk to him as first priority, why not approach her & warn HER to stay away as first priority.

My gut feeling is they are both adults making choices that have mutual benefits. Different story if you're sure she's under age.

QuietContraryMary Fri 18-Jan-19 18:08:49

BTW I heard of a case where a (very much older) British man was offered a 12yo by her family and she was taken back to the UK by him while still underage, so while 25-actually-19 is distasteful, I'm not sure it's that different between this and a 30-year-old with whom he has literally nothing in common.

Grimbles Fri 18-Jan-19 18:10:05

Why would it be the mature western adult that's being exploited and not the barely-an-adult from the developing world?
Poor bloke, he obviously went out to the Philippines for the culture and scenery and totally not to meet a young woman...

CookPassBabtridge Fri 18-Jan-19 18:12:49

Sorry but your stepdad is disgusting. 19 year old with someone in their 60s sad

PineapplePower Fri 18-Jan-19 18:15:14

She’ll leave him once he fulfills his purpose;
it could get very ugly. Surely someone has pointed out the obvious to him?

As he’s in his 60s, hope there’s an ironclad will in place so the rest of the family doesn’t get screwed out of the inheritance.

Dieu Fri 18-Jan-19 18:17:07

Old perv.

Xenia Fri 18-Jan-19 18:19:59

And if you leave your spouse out of a UK will they can make claims under inhertiance legislation so even having a will that excludes her will not work (assuming he dies first). Presumably she will want children and for them to be brought up Roman Catholic too so he might find it is all quite hard work as he approaches 70 and then having teenagers when he's nearly 80

MikeUniformMike Fri 18-Jan-19 18:20:45

How would you feel if it was a 60 year old woman and a 19 year old male student?

Proudandlovable0201 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:21:02

See this is where is struggle with the age of consent a 17 year old sleeps with a 15 year old where both parties concerned but 60 year olds can sleep with 19 year olds no prob

endofthelinefinally Fri 18-Jan-19 18:23:42

If he marries her his iron clad will becomes invalid.

dworky Fri 18-Jan-19 18:24:53

Men exploiting young women in poverty deserve everything they get.

Myimaginarycathasfleas Fri 18-Jan-19 18:25:11

I find this very distasteful, OP, sorry.

I understand you think he is lonely but let’s be honest, he’s not interested in her for her company.

He had better be rich because this is going to cost him dearly, and frankly it will be what he deserves.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:25:32

Her family must be celebrating .... hmm

MyBreadIsEggy Fri 18-Jan-19 18:26:10

PineapplePower that’s exactly what happens with MIL & FIL - she got her visa, got her baby and that’s all she really wanted from him. Their breakup and divorce was absolutely hideous, and my DH witnessed it all (including physical violence from both parties) as a toddler/preschooler.

M3lon Fri 18-Jan-19 18:26:34

How would you feel if it was a 60 year old woman and a 19 year old male student?

This is a genuinely startling question!

Just when you think you've eradicated your gender realise you really haven't at all.

starzig Fri 18-Jan-19 18:28:31

She probably wants a comfortable life and a passport. He probably wants company of a beautiful young woman and is willing to pay for it.

binkyblinky Fri 18-Jan-19 18:28:56

Thank you everyone. I'm not happy about it and I've taken on all your viewpoints. Hope we can talk some sense into him.

binkyblinky Fri 18-Jan-19 18:29:33

Also I am 40 this year so it's horrid thinking I'm old enough to be her mother

AnoukSpirit Fri 18-Jan-19 18:32:08

So 19 is her age on Facebook? How do you know that's actually correct?

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 18-Jan-19 18:33:40

No fool like an old fool.

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