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45 year age gap - Filipino bride

(293 Posts)
binkyblinky Fri 18-Jan-19 17:42:02

Argh help me.

My step dad (mum's Ex partner) is in his 60s. He split from my mum when I was 14 and we have remained very close. He has been like a dad to me and my sister.

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Well anyway he's gone to the Philippines and met someone - turns out she is only 19. (He has told us she is 25) but I've had a nosey on Facebook and found her.

I know the age gap is huge but I've seen bigger. I don't understand the attraction and I don't have a clue about Filipino culture. Is this the norm? Is he in danger?

We are going to visit him and have a frank discussion with him. She has applied to come over here on a work visa (she's a student)

Just wanted advice / thoughts. Also I know it's a shocking age gap. I don't need to be told that and I don't want to hear abuse towards him. I'm not keen on the idea.

Thankyou

AmoraObscura Fri 18-Jan-19 17:44:28

Discuss what with him?

HilaryBriss Fri 18-Jan-19 17:45:16

I would be worried that she really wants him for...

a) his money
b) a visa
c) both of the above

greendale17 Fri 18-Jan-19 17:46:53

Bloke in his 60s is with a foreign 19 year old girl. Doesn’t take much to see how this will end.

He is a fool.

Lifeisabeach09 Fri 18-Jan-19 17:47:36

She has, likely, into him for his (perceived) money but that's their business.
I'm sure he knows she's not with him for his warm personality.
They are both adults.
Support him but don't judge.

kateclarke Fri 18-Jan-19 17:48:25

I would be more worried about her tbh.

Seline Fri 18-Jan-19 17:49:09

I find this incredibly inappropriate. That woman likely wants an escape and the opportunities found in the UK and she's very young. She's pretty much selling her body for a better life. It's equivalent to prostitution in my opinion.

Seline Fri 18-Jan-19 17:50:43

Not that I'm saying your stepdad is a bad person, but the woman's motivations are not sincere and it isn't a good idea for either of them.

NameChangeNugget Fri 18-Jan-19 17:51:04

It could be genuine love

Said absolutely nofuckingbody

IamtheDevilsAvocado Fri 18-Jan-19 17:52:24

Two men in my town many years ago married philipino women who were many years younger than them.

At the time (no idea what UK rules are now) they got visas /citizenship... They got attractive young women to cook/clean /sleep with them....they all seemed happy.

Now both men are in their 80s...they are still being looked after by their wives who are now late 40s/50s...

Someone I know is pals with one of these women.. After he dies, she will sell up and take her inheritance back to Philippines.

They are regularly sending money back to their philipino families.

CosmicCanary Fri 18-Jan-19 17:53:01

It is his business but 60 yrs and 19 yrs... I would never look at that person the same way again. There is something quite off about it. Such a huge gap what could they possibly have in common? Shared experiences?

I always think these sort of relationships make the older person look foolish and they rarely end well.

TooTrueToBeGood Fri 18-Jan-19 17:53:17

Poor girl, she must be desperate.

Laureline Fri 18-Jan-19 17:53:27

Agreed, he’s either a fool or very cynical and doing this to get a “fresh young thing”. Neither option is very attractive.

She’ll divorce him once she has rights to his money and a visa.

I’ve seen it happen to a friend of my parents. He divorced his wife of 30 years (and mother of his children) to marry a young woman in Asia. He was then divorced by wife number 2. It was NOT pretty. He lost his family, a lot of his friends, a lot of his money and his self-respect...

Harveypuss Fri 18-Jan-19 17:53:41

She will be after him for all of those things listed. Having lived in Asia for many years, I have seen this before - an older European man with a much younger Asian girlfriend/bride. Sometimes these matches work, but they usually don't. He will be expected to financially provide for her extended family as is the norm in these cultures.

A cautious word would be advisable, but whether he will listen to you is another matter.

Laureline Fri 18-Jan-19 17:54:33

And also 19 is super young and it is honestly a bit creepy.

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Jan-19 17:54:38

A man in his 60s fucking a 19 year old student is distasteful to say the least.

The fact she's obviously desperate, probably means she sees him as a meal ticket.

However, as long as they're honest with each other, I don't see that there's anything you can do.

Cherries101 Fri 18-Jan-19 17:54:45

A 19 yo pinoy girl likely looks a lot younger than a 19 yo girl from the UK. I wouldn’t be comfortable around him any more tbh.

brick15 Fri 18-Jan-19 17:55:44

He’s hardly in danger. Besides she’ll probably have quite a difficult time getting over here on a work visa so doubtful it’ll amount to anything.
Whatever her motivations, surely he’s not deluded enough to think it’s love?! What has he said about it all?

halfwitpicker Fri 18-Jan-19 17:55:46

What does she see in him?
What does he see in her?

formerbabe Fri 18-Jan-19 17:55:55

I would be worried that she really wants him for...

a) his money
b) a visa
c) both of the above

Oh poor him....And what could he possibly want from her? hmm

binkyblinky Fri 18-Jan-19 17:56:23

Thankyou everyone. Yes I am supporting and trying not to judge. Because yes I don't feel comfortable with it. But I love him like he's my dad. He has been there twice already and has met her family (11 siblings, father and uncle high ranking public servants)

He is very lonely and I understand this. I hope she doesn't get a visa. And then there won't be a problem. But I am worried for the backlash coming his way

YeOldeTrout Fri 18-Jan-19 17:57:32

Frank discussion? Do you think he's vulnerable & being exploited?.

I met a couple bit like this the other day... she was 90% the better person (competent, trustworthy, healthy). She made her choices that it was a good prospect.

zzzzz Fri 18-Jan-19 17:59:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyBreadIsEggy Fri 18-Jan-19 17:59:19

I hate to say it, but the stereotypes exist for a reason.
My MIL was a Thai bride - she met FIL while he was on his honeymoon with his first wife! He left the wife and took up with MIL.
They got married and had DH together in the U.K., then went through an absolutely hideous divorce that has scarred my DH for life. She openly admits now that as a country girl from northern Thailand, the best thing she could hope for was to meet a normal European (preferably British!) or American man, and play into the love story in order to gain a visa. These women can go to work in the U.K. and earn in a few days what they’d earn in a month back home. That’s exactly what MIL did and sent most of the money back to her parents. Even now, nearly 30 years later (she’s happily remarried) and she still works absolutely crazy hours in order to earn enough to support DH’s kid brothers and send money home to support her elderly mother.

Missingstreetlife Fri 18-Jan-19 17:59:39

It's ick. They are exploiting each other. He could probably find a 25/30 year old but the result will be the same. She may be better off with him than some real horrible pervert but this will not end well

QuantamBaby Fri 18-Jan-19 18:00:15

Yuck, frankly!

He wants a (very) young woman to have sex with. She sees him as a way of getting to the UK and being financially supported.

It's glorified prostitution and fucking grim....

TooTrueToBeGood Fri 18-Jan-19 18:02:02

Do you think he's vulnerable & being exploited?.

Why would it be the mature western adult that's being exploited and not the barely-an-adult from the developing world?

EmeraldShamrock Fri 18-Jan-19 18:04:41

I wouldn't be happy with the age gap and culture difference.
He is exploiting her, he could offer to help her have a better future if he wanted too but no he enters a sexual relationship with her, there are plenty of lady's waiting to meet Mr Europe in the Philippines.
Many in their 30s.
As a pp said they usually look much younger, she possible looks 14, if it was my Dad or SD I would see him as a prev now.

QuietContraryMary Fri 18-Jan-19 18:06:03

I'm not 100% on Filipino culture but this is quite common in other countries in the region and I'm sure the Philippines as well. Within the country I think there are fairly rigid gender roles so the wife is expected to cook, clean, have babies, and the man is doing his bit if he provides the cash - he doesn't really need to do any more than that.

Having said that I think it's a bit different in the UK in that in the home country she'd likely have a strong family network/neighbours etc. so there is much less of a concept of a couple as a standalone unit.

This is quite common and I don't think within country it would be seen as something unpleasant or objectionable. Obviously it's different in the UK because people are going to assume that she is a prostitute or whatever, and also because it might be difficult for her (though there are plenty of Filipinos in the UK so she can form a social network there).

One Asian friend suggested much the same in respect of a relation in similar circumstances (old, single, man), that he could easily be found a wife in Asia - it's a normal transaction in that sense in that I suppose there are lots of poor attractive women willing to enter into this sort of arrangement.

I don't think there's anything to be done on his side beyond I suppose making it clear that anything he does in the Philippines will be hers irrevocably, so he should be wary of converting ALL his cash into a house there or whatever. Clearly if he has cash savings then she is likely to end up with all of them upon his death, but that doesn't need to happen before then, IYSWIM.

Bluntness100 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:08:07

Where have you seen a bigger age gap than Over forty years?

People will make their own judgements. Clearly if he'd went for a woman in her thirties it would have been better than a teenager, but it is what it is.

YeOldeTrout Fri 18-Jan-19 18:08:36

If he's a creepy perv then why talk to him as first priority, why not approach her & warn HER to stay away as first priority.

My gut feeling is they are both adults making choices that have mutual benefits. Different story if you're sure she's under age.

QuietContraryMary Fri 18-Jan-19 18:08:49

BTW I heard of a case where a (very much older) British man was offered a 12yo by her family and she was taken back to the UK by him while still underage, so while 25-actually-19 is distasteful, I'm not sure it's that different between this and a 30-year-old with whom he has literally nothing in common.

Grimbles Fri 18-Jan-19 18:10:05

Why would it be the mature western adult that's being exploited and not the barely-an-adult from the developing world?
wink
Poor bloke, he obviously went out to the Philippines for the culture and scenery and totally not to meet a young woman...

CookPassBabtridge Fri 18-Jan-19 18:12:49

Sorry but your stepdad is disgusting. 19 year old with someone in their 60s sad

PineapplePower Fri 18-Jan-19 18:15:14

She’ll leave him once he fulfills his purpose;
it could get very ugly. Surely someone has pointed out the obvious to him?

As he’s in his 60s, hope there’s an ironclad will in place so the rest of the family doesn’t get screwed out of the inheritance.

Dieu Fri 18-Jan-19 18:17:07

Old perv.

Xenia Fri 18-Jan-19 18:19:59

And if you leave your spouse out of a UK will they can make claims under inhertiance legislation so even having a will that excludes her will not work (assuming he dies first). Presumably she will want children and for them to be brought up Roman Catholic too so he might find it is all quite hard work as he approaches 70 and then having teenagers when he's nearly 80

MikeUniformMike Fri 18-Jan-19 18:20:45

How would you feel if it was a 60 year old woman and a 19 year old male student?

Proudandlovable0201 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:21:02

See this is where is struggle with the age of consent a 17 year old sleeps with a 15 year old where both parties concerned but 60 year olds can sleep with 19 year olds no prob

endofthelinefinally Fri 18-Jan-19 18:23:42

If he marries her his iron clad will becomes invalid.

dworky Fri 18-Jan-19 18:24:53

Men exploiting young women in poverty deserve everything they get.

Myimaginarycathasfleas Fri 18-Jan-19 18:25:11

I find this very distasteful, OP, sorry.

I understand you think he is lonely but let’s be honest, he’s not interested in her for her company.

He had better be rich because this is going to cost him dearly, and frankly it will be what he deserves.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:25:32

Her family must be celebrating .... hmm

MyBreadIsEggy Fri 18-Jan-19 18:26:10

PineapplePower that’s exactly what happens with MIL & FIL - she got her visa, got her baby and that’s all she really wanted from him. Their breakup and divorce was absolutely hideous, and my DH witnessed it all (including physical violence from both parties) as a toddler/preschooler.

M3lon Fri 18-Jan-19 18:26:34

How would you feel if it was a 60 year old woman and a 19 year old male student?

This is a genuinely startling question!

Just when you think you've eradicated your gender biases...you realise you really haven't at all.

starzig Fri 18-Jan-19 18:28:31

She probably wants a comfortable life and a passport. He probably wants company of a beautiful young woman and is willing to pay for it.

binkyblinky Fri 18-Jan-19 18:28:56

Thank you everyone. I'm not happy about it and I've taken on all your viewpoints. Hope we can talk some sense into him.

binkyblinky Fri 18-Jan-19 18:29:33

Also I am 40 this year so it's horrid thinking I'm old enough to be her mother

AnoukSpirit Fri 18-Jan-19 18:32:08

So 19 is her age on Facebook? How do you know that's actually correct?

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 18-Jan-19 18:33:40

No fool like an old fool.

DistanceCall Fri 18-Jan-19 18:34:54

Marriage used to be exactly this: a transaction between a woman (and/or her family) and a man. The man got sex and children, the woman got financial security (and children, if she wanted them).

This is what things are still like in a large portion of the world. I would be horrified if my relative did something like this.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 18-Jan-19 18:35:17

Yet he doesn't think it's horrid that he's old enough to be her grandfather.

Silly man.

DistanceCall Fri 18-Jan-19 18:35:34

Oh, and if they marry after all, I hope she takes advantage of her newfound Western freedoms, divorces, and fleeces him.

Myimaginarycathasfleas Fri 18-Jan-19 18:36:34

How would you feel if it was a 60 year old woman and a 19 year old male student?

It’s not unknown. I seem to remember various stories of middle aged British women forming relationships with handsome young men from the Gambia. Naturally they were completely convinced these young men were deeply in love with them and wanted to marry them. Deluded.

MikeUniformMike Fri 18-Jan-19 18:38:10

M3lon. It's just the same only the man and the 19 year old can probably have children.

DistanceCall Fri 18-Jan-19 18:39:15

Also, the bit about his being lonely is such bollocks.

There are plenty of single women more or less his age. It's just that he doesn't want an equal as his partner. He wants a subservient Asian hottie who will be dependent on him.

I'm sorry, OP, but this is not a good man.

LuckyLou7 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:41:18

I think you need to have a full and frank discussion with your stepdad, and see if he can step back from the situation, so that he can see what he is getting involved in. A 19yo is hardly likely to be besotted with him, she sees him as a meal ticket and a way out of poverty, for herself and her family. The fact he is so much older is probably appealing - she may well be hoping she will a wealthy widow before she hits her 30's.

Dvg Fri 18-Jan-19 18:43:59

She wants the visa and the money. They send the money back to theyre family. I don't blame them as they're lifes arnt good at all normally btu still.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip Fri 18-Jan-19 18:44:13

There is nothing right with this, it's so wrong.

I know of 2 Filipino women married to English men. One is a friend whose husband is 18 years older, he doesn't know she is sending money home and has even bought a house in the Philippines by hiding away her wages from different jobs she works while he is working. It's not a healthy relationship. The other is my Uncle who met a Filipino woman and she has absolutely drained him financially, he had retired but returned to banking work to meet her demands, he looks a fool and he is trying to look younger.

Your step dad is going to be mocked in Britain if she lives here, he is old enough to be her grandfather and its particularly grim her family appear to be pimping her out. This isn't good.

PerspicaciaTick Fri 18-Jan-19 18:45:20

If the relationship works for both of them and neither is being exploited, then I see no problem with their marriage having a rather more pragmatic basis than the usual idea of passion and romance.
Will she continue studying after they marry and go on to have a career of her own? Are they planning to have children? Do they care for each other?

Purplecatshopaholic Fri 18-Jan-19 18:47:19

As others have said this is not going to end well. However, he may also be alert to the fact she may want money and/or a visa and not actually care. Its an age gap I very much doubt will work, but he is an adult after all.

User758172 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:49:12

No fool like an old fool.

MikeUniformMike Fri 18-Jan-19 18:49:42

What if the stepfather was seeing a 19-year old UK citizen?
What if your 19-yr old daughter was talking about marrying a 60-yr old man from abroad?

sue51 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:55:03

I'm in my 60s and the thought of this is horrendous. I wonder what this young girls life is like if she sees marriage with a much older man as a more desirable option.

Quartz2208 Fri 18-Jan-19 19:00:43

Is she one of the oldest siblings as her family are on board for her to send money through - it is in effect the family selling her for money. its the best way she can earn money

Is he deluded enough to think she loves him or is he aware of ti

Mintychoc1 Fri 18-Jan-19 19:00:55

I’ve come across quite a few men who do this. Generally they’re middle aged or elderly men who are in bad shape themselves but seem to think they’re entitled to a young slim gorgeous partner. Obviously young attractive UK women aren’t generally interested, so they go and buy someone from a poor country, where the girls are so desperate they’re prepared to essentially prostitute themselves for decades.

Of course the big down side of being with a prostitute is that they often have STDs, and I recall one man who married a Nigerian lady, who neglected to tell him she had AIDS. She brought her teenage daughter with her, and he ended up looking after both of them. Not quite the sex fest he’d envisaged !

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 Fri 18-Jan-19 19:02:39

How would you feel if it was a 60 year old woman and a 19 year old male student?

I can't imagine a woman of that age wanting to sleep with a skinny teenage child either, and would be slightly appalled!
You hear of the occasional very mixed age relationship working, but its rare. And usually between people with very liberal views to start with ie artists and alternative types who are 'attracted to personality' or some such...

KittyVonCatsworth Fri 18-Jan-19 19:05:20

Not obviously the same close relationship as you and your SD but we have a friend of the family who is an absolutely lovely guy and had some heartache. He woke to find his wife had died in the night next to him 4 years ago after being married for 40 years. After he got over the overwhelming grief he started travelling 2 years ago and started a relationship with his translator who is 45 years younger and absolutely stunning. Of course, we initially had our doubts but he was quite open from the offset and as a PP said, he knew she wasn't with him for his charm and good looks but he really enjoyed her/the company (hes quite open and says that he can't perform sexually anymore) and that he's never had to be alone and for those 2 years didn't enjoy it, to the point he was suicidal.

Yes, he does buy her a lot of expensive things, and he helps her family out with money but he's very aware of what their relationship is and she knows that he won't get married again.

It must be working somehow as they've been together for 2 years. He's not naïve to the fact that it's not the lustful love affair but they enjoy each others company and both get something individually out of the relationship as well as together.

I'm not sure trying to talk sense to him is the right thing although I can appreciate your concerns. He's maybe full aware of what it is but it suits him/them. Perhaps it'll come to a natural end. You are right to monitor his gain v loss and raise concerns as they happen but confronting it before it happens could mean that he'll hide what's really happening in the relationship until it's too late. If you appear accepting, he may be more open which will allow you to advise him.

IcedPurple Fri 18-Jan-19 19:05:46

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Hmm.... I've been lonely from time to time, but it wouldn't even occur o me to solve that problem by marrying a teenager from the other side of the world. Does she even speak English?

If he really is "a lovely, warm, kind man" he should have little difficulty finding a British woman close to his own age. Chances are, however, that like him, she'll have a few wrinkles and a lot of life experience - in other words, a real, mature woman. But no. He doesn't want an equal. He wants a young girl from a very poor country, who will depend on him for everything, including her right to stay in the UK.

So forgive me if I don't feel sorry for him.

Vicky1990 Fri 18-Jan-19 19:08:21

It will pan out thus.
Sha comes here, if not married before then soon after arriving they will be.
Live together in his house for a few months.
She files for divorce with some concocted charges made against him, pack of lies but the judge will believe her, (it happens all the time in this country even with uk born wife's )
Goes to court and she puts on a good show as the wronged wife and what a basted he is, abuse etc.
She ends up been awarded half the house at least , that he has paid for.
House is sold, she fucks of with his money.
He ends up in a bed sit with not enough money' to buy another home.
She finds another mug and lives happily ever after.
He lives in misery been robbed by his ex and the legal system of this country.
It happened in my family.

Vicky1990 Fri 18-Jan-19 19:08:22

It will pan out thus.
Sha comes here, if not married before then soon after arriving they will be.
Live together in his house for a few months.
She files for divorce with some concocted charges made against him, pack of lies but the judge will believe her, (it happens all the time in this country even with uk born wife's )
Goes to court and she puts on a good show as the wronged wife and what a basted he is, abuse etc.
She ends up been awarded half the house at least , that he has paid for.
House is sold, she fucks of with his money.
He ends up in a bed sit with not enough money' to buy another home.
She finds another mug and lives happily ever after.
He lives in misery been robbed by his ex and the legal system of this country.
It happened in my family.

IcedPurple Fri 18-Jan-19 19:09:03

It must be working somehow as they've been together for 2 years.

2 whole years?

And yes it 'works' because he gets to be seen with a young hottie who wouldn't look twice at him if he was from her country, and she gets to enjoy his cash.

She'll run off with a fit bloke closer to her age within the next few years, I'll bet.

DistanceCall Fri 18-Jan-19 19:10:28

It's not so much the age gap, I think - sometimes people with a huge age gap do fall in love. It's the circumstances.

He has specifically gone to the Philiphines to specifically find a young girl, no doubt making use of the services of some sleazy "agency" that specialises in connecting Western sugar daddies with poor young women from developing countries. And no doubt what he has in mind is having a relationship with the stereotypical gender roles - he wears the trousers, she is pleasing and compliant and loving and sexy, not like those liberated Western harpies.

Emetic.

IcedPurple Fri 18-Jan-19 19:11:30

@Vicky1990

You seem to be suggesting that men like this are victims. But he's a (very) grown man. I'm more than a decade his junior but no way would I imagine that an attractive young man from an impoverished country would want to be with me because they love me or find me attractive. If he's a big enough fool to marry this teenager, that's his problem.

evaperonspoodle Fri 18-Jan-19 19:19:41

She probably wants a comfortable life and a passport. He probably wants company of a beautiful young woman and is willing to pay for it

I've seen an increasing amount of older men married to Filipino women in my city. The man is always older, not as big an age gap as the OP but it is a marked difference. What strikes me every time is that neither the man or the woman are particularly attractive (I say that as an unattractive person myself) and I wonder was it just an arranged marriage of convenience on both sides.

I would be concerned about both parties in the OP's case as both are vulnerable to getting hurt. I think a 19 year old with a 60 year old is far too bog a gap.

viques Fri 18-Jan-19 19:19:48

I wonder if she has got her visa yet? I think they will find it harder than they think, and even more so when they ask to change the visa to a fiancée or wife one. Even student visas now expect that you provide proof of the course, ability to support yourself etc. It is not as easy as people assume.

MikeUniformMike Fri 18-Jan-19 19:19:58

The stepfather is 64 isn't he. He's almost old enough to be her great-grandfather.

LisaLops Fri 18-Jan-19 19:24:13

Just another perspective on this. My sons grandparents on his dads side have an age gap and his Grandma is Filipino. My sons dad is half Filipino. They were pen pals back in the early 80s when she was in her early 30s and working in Hong Kong as a nanny. There is an 18 year age gap. She came to meet him in 1985 and they fell in love, got married 3 months later and had my sons father. She was 35 when she had my sons father and he was 53. To this day, they are still very happy and in love with each other. She is in her 60s and he is in his 80s. Filipino women do send money home when there is illness in the family as their health care system is very expensive and it’s customary for all the family to chip in, but that’s all my sons grandma has done in the past and her husband knows about it. All the Filipinos that I have met have been very nice, polite and kind people. It can work sometimes.....

Puzzledandpissedoff Fri 18-Jan-19 19:29:02

He has been there twice already and has met her family (11 siblings, father and uncle high ranking public servants)

That's a lot of siblings who'll want cash for emergency operations / road smashes / house fires, etc, and he'll probably find the "high ranking jobs" are a myth to persuade him that "HER family wouldn't need to do that". It happened to an employee of mine and followed the usual pattern of her disappearing once she'd cleaned him out ... only she'd taken out loans against his house and took that cash too

That's her "transaction", but it many ways his is no better since he's effectively buying a young woman for sex, companionship, housekeeping and the rest - also cutting her off from all forms of family and community support

I hope you can get him to see sense, but as PPs have said there's no fool like an old fool

Furiosa Fri 18-Jan-19 19:30:17

If she tries to get a Tier 2 Work visa, you've probably got nothing to worry about.

Check out the eligibility criteria here

The Tier 4 Student visa is their other option. They'd have to get their skates on to start Uni in Sep. 2019 as UCAS applications have cut off dates.

Tier 4 details here

decemberfrost Fri 18-Jan-19 19:31:59

Like a few others on here, I know Filipino women - about 5 actually - all 35 to 45 - who married British men, some 20-30 years older than them. Like the ones mentioned on here, they send lots of money back to the family in the Philippines, and only married the men to get into the country. They rub along OK together, but they definitely are not in love with these men.

It is incredibly common, but both parties know the score. As a number of posters have said; the man gets a wife, housekeeper, and a child or two (if he wants them and hasn't already got any.) And she gets a decent quality of life, and British citizenship, and a chance to send money to her family.

I have not yet known a man of 60 get with a 19 y.o. though. That's pretty grim. And I would say the same if it was woman of 60, and a boy of 19.

Firesuit Fri 18-Jan-19 19:32:24

why not approach her & warn HER to stay away as first priority.

Tell her what? What doesn't she know about what she's getting into.

In this scenario, they either both know what they are doing, or, if one of them is deluded or miscalculating, it's the man.

Not only he is the only one who might not be thinking rationally, he's the one with the life-savings to lose. She can back out at any time, in the unlikely event that things turn out worse than she signed up for.

He's the one taking all the risks.

IcedPurple Fri 18-Jan-19 19:32:39

@LisaLops

Not really a good comparison. The woman you descibe was an almost middle aged adult when she married her husband, even if there was a big age gap. Not the same as a 19 year old marrying a 40 years older man. Also, she was already in the UK and got to know him there, as opposed to this man who presumably went to the Philippines specifically in order to find a much younger wife.

TaleOfTheContinents Fri 18-Jan-19 19:33:20

Men exploiting young women in poverty deserve everything they get.

^ This.

KittyVonCatsworth Fri 18-Jan-19 19:33:38

@icedpurple, yes, he gets to been seen with a hottie but I don't think they'll be many men who would be envious of their situation. Most will see it to be what it is, or what they think it is. I completely agree with you that the chances are that it won't last as hes already said she wants marriage and children eventually and he won't / can't give that.

I think if your SD is going into this with his eyes wide open then fine but otherwise intervene when the time is right....which doesn't help I'm afraid.

decemberfrost Fri 18-Jan-19 19:34:01

I will add to what @LisaLops said though... All the Filipinos I know are courteous, polite, hard-working, and kind.

Gone4Good Fri 18-Jan-19 19:34:54

I looked up a guy in FB I knew a few years ago and discovered he'd recently married a beautiful Filipino woman who looks to be in her early to mid 20's. He's 67. They were married in the Philippines and only her family were in the pictures. He lives in a very small terrace house but now owns an expensive sport car. Most of the pictures he has posted are her posing in and round it this car, or sleeping. He takes pictures of her asleep in little shorts or in her under-things and the captions always start with 'My wife...' Example; 'My wife was so sleepy she fell asleep on the sofa' Very creepy.

Judging by the photos on her FB they are living the lives of millionaires (flying first class, expensive bag shopping etc) and I wonder how long he can keep this up.

FascinatingCarrot Fri 18-Jan-19 19:38:43

Either he's lying about being 25 or she is.
I'm erring on the side that he is. In which case he's already ashamed of himself on some level.

MikeUniformMike Fri 18-Jan-19 19:39:20

I think that if the woman was 35 and the man 64 it might be more likely to work.
You change a lot between 18 and 28.
The age gap is something like Prince Philip and Helena Bonham Carter or Rowan Atkinson and Lily-Rose Depp.

(I am not in any way suggesting that there is anything going on between these people)

Palaver1 Fri 18-Jan-19 19:42:03

All the the ones i know are hard working but do not love their husbands and are using them.for the finacicial support they can get they have to provide for the family at home.

This case is sad as he is lonely and they will not be having a child together not at his age but she will have everything when he passes im sad for him.or she might just get him to empty his account and spend on her

Ohgoon Fri 18-Jan-19 19:42:30

It's so many womens get citizenship in a western country card. Its a shame he can't see it. She'll be after his money for sure

AfterSchoolWorry Fri 18-Jan-19 19:44:15

Is he in danger?

No, he's exploiting this young woman.

Palaver1 Fri 18-Jan-19 19:44:20

His very blessed to have both of you in his life.
No one wants to be alone

Lweji Fri 18-Jan-19 19:44:24

I'd lose all respect for him, TBH.

LauraMipsum Fri 18-Jan-19 19:50:09

Furiosa there are other available work routes. If father and uncle are high ranking public servants then she may well be able to use the T5 charity worker or international exchange route, or she may be able to apply as a domestic worker.

I've seen a lot of similar age gap / power gap relationships with visa applications and it has rarely ended well.

emilybrontescorsett Fri 18-Jan-19 19:51:30

Yep it's a trade off.
If she could get a decent job in the Philippines then she would not be getting involved with your sd.
Years ago I remember watching a programme about middle aged, out of shape western men going to Asia for sex. I watched it because a woman I vaguely knew told me her ex h was on it!
Out of ear shot of the men they asked a young Asian woman what she really thought of the men she was laughing and joking with, she replied they made her feel sick and they repulsed her.
There is little option of a decent life for these women do they virtually prostitute themselves.
The men know the score.

Aridane Fri 18-Jan-19 19:52:47

Sounds like a transparent and transactional relationship - it's easy enough to see what both are getting out of it

ChinUpChestOut Fri 18-Jan-19 19:53:42

I used to live in the Philippines - saw this all the time. The girl is escaping desperate poverty. The man is gaining a housekeeper with benefits. If both parties understand their roles, then it can and does work.

This kind of arrangement is completely unacceptable to 'naice' Filipino families. Completely. Nice girls do NOT marry old Western men. There's very little likelihood that her family are senior public servants. She will be expected to send as much money home as she can each month - that's the point of all this. The kind of 19 year old girl from the Philippines that behaves like this invariably works in a bar. Not as a barmaid. But as a bar girl - very different. He's probably sending money each month to her already, as she'll have asked him to help her as her younger brother needs new glasses/has been ill/her mother is sick etc etc.

There's no way she'll get a work permit, and even a student visa is unlikely as she will not have sufficient funding. The application with most chance of success is a fiancee visa, which she will almost certainly suggest, as she will know many girls who have already done this or are trying to do this.

There's not much you can say to your stepdad, beyond asking him why he thinks a long term relationship would succeed with a 19 year old foreign girl, when he would never consider one with a UK girl. But it's unlikely to stop him. Sorry.

IcedPurple Fri 18-Jan-19 19:53:45

* im sad for him.*

Why?

There are lots of single women about his age. If as the OP says he is "a lovely, warm, kind man" why does he need to go to the other side of the world to find a (presumably) relatively impoverished teenager to marry him?

freeloader Fri 18-Jan-19 19:55:07

He is lonely? I really don't think there is a shortage of single women in their 50s and 60s in the UK . Being the same age and having grown up in the same country speaking the same language they would have lots in common, which is a great basis for a good relationship. I wonder why he doesn't want that?

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