Would you date someone who was unhealthy?

[Breakawaygirl]

In my younger years, I dated men who were very big social drinkers, ate poor diets (think KFC and pizza), didn't exercise or were smokers. Not all of my partners were this way but a consistent number were. I put this down to youth (lots of teens drank too much and ate badly and then got to grips with their health as they got into their early to mid twenties.)

I personally am very healthy other than an addiction to chocolate. My typical diet is MOSTLY vegan/vegetarian (I think the current definition would be a flexitarian) with occasional eggs, fish and chicken.

I work out a lot and try to take good care of my mental health.

This year, having dealt with a terminally ill mother, I've found that I am really repulsed by the thought of dating a man who does not prioritise his health.

If someone smokes, drinks too much, does drugs or doesn't exercise, I worry about impending health issues. I think I am a bit scared from caring for my mother. Of course you can be healthy and still become unwell, but I do find it hard to truly invest in a person who does not prioritise their own health. Even if a person may have one vice, they need to care about health in general.

A male friend whose mother died from lung cancer triggered by smoking agreed that a woman who did not take care of her health in ways she could control would be a dealbreaker after the suffering he witnessed with his own mother.

Does anyone else feel this way about health, or would it not be an issue for you?

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

Yes I'm the same, after losing my DH at 37. I'm very anti smoking or drugs and would only date someone who prioritises their health

[Breakawaygirl]

@NoArmani, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your DH. 37 is so young

[BernardoTeashop]

How can you class yourself as mostly vegan/vegetarian when you eat eggs, fish and chicken? You don’t need a label apart from perhaps healthy eater? The world has gone label crazy

[Breakawaygirl]

Because the majority of what I eat is vegan/vegetarian. Perhaps once or twice a month I eat eggs/fish or chicken. I'm not saying I AM vegan, but that my diet mostly is.

[AwdBovril]

I wouldn't date a smoker, drug user, or a heavy drinker. However, DH is overweight, & was when we got together. He is finally making a proper effort to tackle it though. I worry for his long term health if he stays at his current weight. His diet isn't great, but he is trying to improve that too - he is a dreadful sugar addict. We had a proper conversation about it the other day & for once he didn't get defensive & clam up.

[InspectorIkmen]

"Flexitarian"

Ridiculous.

Anyway - your theory, such as it is, doesn't pan out to be honest although I'll be sure to explain it carefully to my lovely clean-living, marathon running, non-smoking, teetotal and drug free friends - the husband of which couple having just been diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer.

Meanwhile, get down from your ivory tower and understand that ill-health can rain down upon anyone at any time for any reason - or none.

[Oblomov19]

Never bothered me. I have never dated anyone healthy as such and never been particularly myself. I eat a very wide diet including loads of veg. But that's about it.
I find your view a bit odd. Are you extreme about anything else, or anxious about other stuff. Or just this?

[WellThisIsShit]

Do you mean ‘unhealthy’ or do you mean ‘unhealthy due to their own unhealthy choices and habits’?

... Asks the seriously-ill-through-no-fault-of-my-own single mother who is wondering whether this thread is going to turn into people saying how much they want to isolate and never be anywhere near people like me?)

[GoodStuffAnnie]

I agree. I would never date someone who was super unhealthy. Very sensible imo.

[Grapetree]

I think I’d prefer to date someone who ate healthier like I do, I follow a low carb mainly ‘whole foods’ diet

although in my case beggars can’t be choosers lol

[EmeraldShamrock]

Yanbu if health is important to you, when do ypu draw the line, if you have bern together and your partner piled on weight would you dump them.
DP is over weight, he was stocky when I meet him, he doesn't drink or smoke and always completes his 12000 steps per day, but he is over weight around the middle especially.
So yes I am with someone who isn't very health conscious.

[Breakawaygirl]

To clarify, I mean a person who is unhealthy in ways they can control - they smoke, drink excessively, eat a poor fast food diet, never exercise.

I am sensitive about this because I have cared for my terminally ill mother (liver cancer) and saw her health decline.

I acknowledged ill health can strike anyone, but if I was dating someone who consciously took that gamble, say with binge drinking or excessive smoking, I would put off dating them. I would prefer to date someone health conscious. Of course this is not a guarantee, but to me it shows respect for your body and life.

[Sparklesocks]

I think it’s OK to have preferences and dealbreakers as long as you understand that won’t be the case for everyone, and that priorities in relationships are unique to individuals. My DP is a smoker, he is a grown adult who knows the risks and health effects but has made his choice. Obviously I would prefer he gave up but it’s not my place to chastise him for it. And he is a wonderful man and partner so the smoking isn’t a dealbreaker as I’d be throwing away an amazing relationship over it, in the big scheme of things it’s not as important to me as having a partner who is kind, respectful, smart, funny etc…

We occasionally get a naughty takeway but generally we eat well, get plenty of sleep, don’t do structured exercise but both walk miles each day, drink socially but not silly amounts. We all have our vices I suppose, where do you draw the line?

[Shoxfordian]

Its up to you who you date.
I wouldn't be so strict but then, based on my lifestyle, you definitely wouldn't date me

[Breakawaygirl]

I think the line would be when an occasionally unhealthy habit i.e. a takeaway, a social drink, becomes a permanent vice or addiction (smoking or drinking daily, drug use, processed food daily, completely sedentary through choice/laziness.)

[CallMeSirShotsFired]

In general you are NBU, it's your choice to prefer people with a similar eating and lifestyle pattern; and any partner's choice to accept or reject that as well.

But your "addicted to chocolate" comment?
You are oh-so-healthy and perfectly virtuous then pretend like you "can't" put down the Snickers? Why do you get a pass on that if your partner can't have a pizza?

[Oblomov19]

Inspector does have a point. You are very judgemental. From your ivory tower.
Parkinson's (My Bil) or thyroid cancer struck my step dad who is Uber healthy.

There is no logic of why.

I value health highly. Nothing can save you, no money, no family love, or anything. That's why I value it highly.

But I don't focus on health. I'm too busy having fun with my friends and plannjng weekends away.

You seem preoccupied. Why has your mums illness made you focus on this so much?

[Oblomov19]

I'm not health conscious. Particularly. So, I'm "out".

Good luck on the dating scene OP!

[Popc0rn]

No, I love my boyfriend, but I hate the fact he smokes when he's had a drink.

I'm a nurse and through various jobs I have sat in with families when they are first told they cancer, and been there when they have died. It's awful and I've told my boyfriend that if that ever happens to us because of smoking, I'll be both devastated and furious.

[RayRayBidet]

I think that the ability to love begins with yourself. I don't know how a fat and unhealthy person can ever love another.

So fat people are incapable of love?
Fucking hell. Nice.

OP, I wouldn't want to be with someone who took drugs, drank heavily, smoked or lived on KFC and never ate a vegetable. That doesn't make them bad people though, or unworthy of love.
You come across as looking down on people who aren't super healthy. I think you would have more in common with someone with a healthy lifestyle.

[Breakawaygirl]

I don't understand particularly comments about preoccupied or obsessed. I completely understand ill health can strike anyone, but someone who does not prioritise their health is not attractive to me. It is a value I have, comparable to hygiene in my mind. You take care of your body in various ways, including washing it and exercising it and feeding it well.

I stated above that an odd takeaway or drink is not a problem, a vice is.

[Purpleartichoke]

Perfectly reasonable to only date people who prioritize healthy choices.
It is even reasonable to decide you can’t sign up for being partnered with someone who has a chronic health condition. If you can’t handle it, then it would be just as bad a match for the ill person.

When it comes to dating, we all get to set whatever limits we choose.

However, Your phrasing of not dating “someone who is unhealthy” is problematic.

[OutwiththeOutCrowd]

What if someone became unhealthy whilst you were with them? If you stick around long enough, this is surely quite likely to happen at some stage. Not all illnesses - or more broadly deviations from perfect functioning - are due to bad lifestyle choices. There's genetic predisposition, problems you're born with and those you can acquire through accidents.

And even with lifestyle 'choices', it's not always so simple. People can be beaten down by life to such an extent that they don't take care of themselves very well but might do better and improve their health situation with a little love and encouragement.