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Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

(378 Posts)
TheSelfishCow Thu 17-Jan-19 21:58:04

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

londonrach Thu 17-Jan-19 22:00:12

Yanbu op. I get on with pil but sometimes you want just family time. He should have discussed it with you before booking them

MotsDHeureGoussesRames Thu 17-Jan-19 22:00:42


Cheerbear23 Thu 17-Jan-19 22:01:02

No that was precious time as your own little family. I expect it feels like your PIL have muscled in on your holiday. Unless he cleared it with you first he’s out of order.
Does he usually rail road you like this?

TheSelfishCow Thu 17-Jan-19 22:01:37

I love my PIL and love spending time with them, just not this particular time. I don't know how to make this better now.

HumphreyCobblers Thu 17-Jan-19 22:01:54

You are not being awful.

I would be gutted.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 17-Jan-19 22:02:07

I'd have packed his fucking bags for him!

EustaciaPieface Thu 17-Jan-19 22:02:08

God no. I’m with you OP. That’s a completely different trip than the one you were looking forward to. His moving out seems OTT?

TheSelfishCow Thu 17-Jan-19 22:02:24

@Cheerbear23 no, never! It's so out of the blue I really don't get it.

sackrifice Thu 17-Jan-19 22:02:26

What is it with these men who think they are the boss?

fuck. that. shit.

It is your holiday too.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 17-Jan-19 22:02:45


Text him and say what you’ve said above. This isn’t you being ungrateful or anything of the ilk, you want some time for you as a family unit. Nothing wrong with that flowers

Sexnotgender Thu 17-Jan-19 22:02:59

YANBU. I’d be upset too if my very rare family time was gate crashed by the in laws.

Bambamber Thu 17-Jan-19 22:03:22


winecigsandchoc Thu 17-Jan-19 22:03:27

I can see his thinking- PIL could look after the kids, and you Say you get on with them but still he has majorly overreacted and YANBU for being upset. You can't help it if your face dropped! You shouldn't have to fake it with something so important to you.

HumphreyCobblers Thu 17-Jan-19 22:03:34

He has really managed to make you feel guilty for your honest reaction. I would be more concentrating on the fact that he failed to ask your opinion about something so crucial! He should have asked you first! You have the right to an opinion.

RagingWhoreBag Thu 17-Jan-19 22:03:53

YANBU - it’s a totally different holiday with his parents there, you should have been part of that discussion.

I’m sure to him, it’s win win. He gets all his favourite people there, he’s probably thinking they will baby sit so you two can get some time to yourselves etc but the fact is, it isn’t everyone’s idea of a holiday to spend it with the PILs and he should know you well enough by now to realise it’s not what you’d want.

MorningsEleven Thu 17-Jan-19 22:04:06

No no no no. An idyllic family break does NOT include the in-laws. He's totally missed the point and he's a muppet.

glueandstick Thu 17-Jan-19 22:04:17

So he’s gone to mummy and left you to sort the kids?

I’m not convinced you’re the selfish one here....

Sunhill4 Thu 17-Jan-19 22:04:24

I totally understand how you feel and why you are upset. However, if your in laws come they could maybe babysit in the evenings to give the 2 if you some time to go out together as a couple? Just as important as time with the kids.

LemonSqueezy0 Thu 17-Jan-19 22:04:39

Can you speak directly to them, as although they shouldn't be (as) involved, they are now. You should say what you've said here to them, so they don't misunderstand your reaction. Any decent person would understand your feelings and bow out gracefully.

TheSelfishCow Thu 17-Jan-19 22:04:57

I definitely don't see this coming from MIL either she's very good with boundaries and not wanting to impose - he's 100% invited them along, I just can't work out why! He was saying they could have the kids so we could go out, but I don't want to take my kids away for a 'family holiday' and then leave them with grandparents so we can go off without them!

HumphreyCobblers Thu 17-Jan-19 22:05:02

does he have form for over reacting when you dare to disagree?

LizzieSiddal Thu 17-Jan-19 22:05:19

The fact he’s packed his bags and gone to his parents says a lot about him. He should be apologising that he didn’t talk to you first about inviting his parents.

Outnotdown Thu 17-Jan-19 22:06:15

Yanbu, how utterly stupid of him. I'd be gutted in your shoes and can't understand how neither he nor his parents thought it would be ok not to check with you first.

To be charitable to him, I suppose he must have thought he was doing a good thing, and was excited to tell you and so, disappointed at your response.

But utterly stupid

User758172 Thu 17-Jan-19 22:06:23

YANBU. He may well think his parents can help out - in my experience, that never come to pass anyway- but he should have run it past you first. Totally different dynamic with your PIL there. I wouldn’t be apologising to him.

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