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AIBU?

My mother is hysterical over me giving birth

72 replies

KatyCamb · 17/01/2019 16:10

I am currently overdue with my first DC by 5 days. I have the usual anxiety about it, I've had three sweeps this week and I'm only 1cm dilated and am booked in to begin the induction process on Monday. I saw the midwife today who was very reassuring and made me feel calm about things as I was generally stressed about being overdue and induction.

My DM lives at the other end of the country but we are close. For at least two weeks now I would say she's been bordering on hysterical over me giving birth. We would usually speak 3-4 times a week and now it's every day to have the same conversation. Things she will often say include:

"I'm stressed to death"
"I can't think of anything else"
"WHEN is this baby going to arrive!"
Tells me her awful birth stories over and over again
Says I should push to have a c section
Tells me what all of her friends are saying
Tells me I shouldn't listen to midwives and only doctors and wants to know why I'm not talking to doctors
Tells me what midwives say is incorrect- this is usually about basic facts eg I told her that induction can take 3-4 days and she told me that was "rubbish"

She's always been a bit highly strung but now she is next level. Just when I call down about something she calls and makes me feel so stressed as if I'm not doing what's best for the baby even though I'm following every bit of medical advice I'm given. She rings me 3-4 times a day until I answer.

I've told her about three times she isn't helping and she says she can't help it she's so stressed. How can I learn to block out her negativity and remain calm and positive?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 17/01/2019 16:15

I really feel for you as I have a mil a bit like that; when I was pregnant I had to ignore a certain amount of calls and would just text back saying I’m fine, doing blah, speak later.
Other times I’d be more direct and say I’m trying not to stress or look at the negatives which would work for a short amount of time but it’d come back again.

Drogosnextwife · 17/01/2019 16:18

I would stop answering the phone to her. This is doing you no good at all.

costacoffeecup · 17/01/2019 16:18

Oh god, tell her she's stressing you out and you'll call her if you have any news.

My induction took five days btw so she's definitely wrong there! But my friend's worked straight away.

YouCantCenaMe · 17/01/2019 16:19

Personally I would block her number and tell her ive lost my mobile...

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 17/01/2019 16:20

Give your phone to DH and ask him to screen her calls- get him to say - “everything’s fine, she’s just resting/relaxing in the bath and can’t come to the phone. We’ll of course keep you updated.”

Butchyrestingface · 17/01/2019 16:21

Tell her the truth. That's she stressing you out and that's not good for you or the baby. So you're not going to be answering her calls but will send her text updates (if she's good) every couple of days or so until baby arrives.

Mookatron · 17/01/2019 16:21

I can imagine it is stressful having a daughter about go into labour but she needs to button up and tell someone else about it!!

Agree to not answering phone / engaging with it. Tell her you're so annoyed with being pregnant your not talking to anyone, well text with a daily update, and she'll be the first to know when the baby's born.

Good luck with it all!

cuppycakey · 17/01/2019 16:23

Why are you answering the phone to her? Text her saying you are only going to contact her when you have something to say re the birth because she is stressing you out. She should be ashamed.

Miane · 17/01/2019 16:25

Tell her you love her but you can keep having the same conversation.

Tell her at this point in time you have to prioritise your own well being over here.

Tell her if she does it again you’ll hang up and put your phone on silent.

granadagirl · 17/01/2019 16:27

When I was pregnant with my first
date given was 26 sept I didn’t have him till 17 oct !!!
Went in Sunday evening, was enduced Monday morning and he was born Tuesday by ventouse delivery.

MustStopSnacking28 · 17/01/2019 16:28

My mum is very like this - I love her but she can be quite a stressful person. Recently if I don’t answer my phone straight away she has started calling my husband immediately to find out what’s wrong as I haven’t answered. I have usually just been in the shower or on the loo or something Blush she’s next level worried.

I would speak to her and explain that it’s stressful for you and therefore the baby for her to be behaving like this. Rather than answering her call and saying this I would think about what you want to say in advance and call her - if she rings you you are more likely to lose your temper about her ringing AGAIN and won’t get across why it’s so stressful for you. Or at least I would be, hopefully you’re more zen than me.

The main thing to remember is that it’s your baby and you will be giving birth so whatever and whoever you want to listen to is correct for you. Perhaps you could remind her that times have changed since she and her friends gave birth as well and that you would really value her support with the induction rather than her scaring you? I am saying all this presuming you don’t want to cut her off or anything, as I said my mum is similar but I am really close with her and don’t want to hurt her feelings when she gets like this.

If all else fails, my husband has calmly explained to her in the past how stressful she can be and she seems to listen more to him so perhaps you could try that?

Hope all goes well with the birth!

tiggerkid · 17/01/2019 16:30

Have you tried having the usual few minute exchanges of pleasantries and weather and then telling her you have to go as soon as starts expressing her usual concerns and telling her horror stories?

Undercoverbanana · 17/01/2019 16:31

So it’s all about her isn’t it?

Good luck with that.

She sounds very drama-ish and toxic.

Set some boundaries now, OP.

Good luck with your baby.

ciderhouserules · 17/01/2019 16:31

You are enabling her, OP. Stop answering the phone - if she keeps ringing, text back with a simple 'I'm fine, busy, will call you later'.

Then call once a day. If she starts, tell her she is causing unnecessary stress, which is not good for the baby, and cut the convo short.

Don't keep having this conversation, she is stressing you out and not helping at all.

Roomba · 17/01/2019 16:33

I sympathise as my mother was similar. Absolutely hysterical when my partner phoned to say I was having a c section shortly! She actually went and sat in the Catholic church for two hours until she heard we were okay - she's not a churchgoer at all and definitely not Catholic!

Tbh I would make it clear, nicely the not as nicely if needed, that she is stressing you out and you can't cope with it. I didn't do this and mother got worse after the birth. Insisted on staying for far too long, arguing because she was worked up, expecting replies to texts within 5 mins and daily calls (spoke once a week previously)... When she drove 100 miles to my doorstep because I hadn't phoned her back for several hours (I wasn't in, she was about to ring police!) I had to sit her down and say the his is not helping anyone at all. I should have nipped it in the bud mch sooner.

ModreB · 17/01/2019 16:34

I would tell her that she is stressing you, and that stress can delay the onset of labour. see here It's an old thread, but still valid.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/01/2019 16:34

I know this is your first. Is it also your mums first GC. She's bound to be anxious, I suppose. Although that's not to say I don't agree that is over doing it.

MeredithGrey1 · 17/01/2019 16:35

Give your phone to DH and ask him to screen her calls- get him to say - “everything’s fine, she’s just resting/relaxing in the bath and can’t come to the phone. We’ll of course keep you updated.”

Definitely agree. If no one ever answers her she'll just call and call and call?
Does she have anyone else who lives with her (your dad, or her husband) that you get along well with - could you try and call them and see if you can enlist their help? Not going to solve all the problems but maybe every time she says "I'll just call DD to see how the baby is" he can say something along the lines of "oh DD is probably having dinner/in the bath/at the midwife at the moment, maybe wait a bit", and can just generally reassure her that if she spoke to you two hours ago, she doesn't need to ring again (or, depending on her personality, try tough love and tell her to get a grip, and stop stressing you out or he'll hide her phone, which is probably what I could persuade my otherwise mild mannered dad to do if I was in your shoes).

SaturdayNext · 17/01/2019 16:35

Text her once, tell her that her calls are really unhelpful, therefore you are not going to answer any more but will let her know when the baby is born. Then block her number.

Tinkobell · 17/01/2019 16:35

Jeez. How massively unhelpful. Tell her firmly to get a bloody grip and stop stressing you out. She sounds like a hindrance not a help OP. Tell her you'll be in touch once you're in labour or getting the CS. Good luck! 💐

LokiBear · 17/01/2019 16:37

Stop answering her calls! I waa induced when 1cm dialated. Labour started 2 hours later and baby was born 4 hours after it started. Dont listen to horror stories. Every birth is different.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/01/2019 16:38

#nutter! I would give phone to OH for him to say 'shes fine', or switch it off, or just dont bloody answer it - its not all about her and she is not helping!

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CinnamonToaster · 17/01/2019 16:39

You poor thing, this is the last thing you need.

Could you text back when she rings - thanks Mum, got your message, I'm absolutely fine here, still comfortable, no news on the baby front.

I think it is worth just saying to her you are not going to talk or listen to her any more about birth or labour because she is just making you stressed. Then just repeat every time she brings it up. I know it's so much easier for me to say than for you to do it though. Just for this next few days, you need it not to be all about her.

It is probably worth telling her that mobiles are not allowed in the hospital grounds and there WILL be an unavoidable news blackout while you're on the labour ward. This does not mean anything bad has happened and she is NOT to hound you or your partner with messages. You or your husband will update her as soon as possible

diddl · 17/01/2019 16:40

"How can I learn to block out her negativity and remain calm and positive?"

Don't talk to her!

It really does sound like the only solution tbh.

inkydinky · 17/01/2019 16:40

My mum was like this when my sister has her firSt. Luckily she rang me and stressed instead. She’s not toxic in any way shape or form and we all have lovely mum-daughter relationships but she’d had terrible births with both of us and was genuinely just worried. She didn’t want anything bad to happen to her firstborn mainly. I can’t imagine being blase about my daughter going through it either. I think it’s normal to a degree, but she does need to do better at keeping her worries away from you. I’d let her know what impact it’s having.

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