DP wants a prenup!(577 Posts)
I’ve taken legal advice so fully understand how they do/don’t work- not looking for technical advice just opinions on whether IABU??
I am 27 DP is 32 - he earns 3x my salary. (mine is respectable and I’ve just completed a masters so will increase).
DP owned his home with about £150k of equity before we met. (He paid top end of the asking price so has not gained value and may lose a bit post Brexit)
Anyway we’re financially merged- joint accounts- I’ve never held anything back from him- including my £7k of savings when I moved in. (I know I still don’t match his income but still)
He did mention getting something in writing to protect his £150k much earlier in the relationship - fine, I was happy with that- my sibling has one as he had a large inheritance- I’ve always been independent!
But now we’re actually getting married - my £7k of savings has been swallowed up, I’m not yet named on the mortgage and we’re both wanting to start a family post wedding (2-3 kids).
The plan is I’ll drop down to PT - only today whilst talking it through with a solicitor did I realise how vulnerable I’ll be leaving myself!
I don’t want to have small children and work FT (my career is demanding and DP whilst eager to help is very much consumed by his career and often works away for short periods) I work with so many women who try to juggle this and their lives look miserable! I’d rather not have children than live like that!
So this evening I’ve been really deflated- feeling like I’m getting the shit end of the stick really - I’m not after his money (not at all) but equally I don’t really want to be drafting up a 14 page prenup which even the solicitor said ‘is likely to get quite complicated’
It also seems like it’s going to escalate from ‘protecting the £150k’ to also including inheritance, pensions, earnings...etc.
I didn’t sign up for not being a ‘team’ if I wanted to build a financial future alone - I wouldn’t be getting married.
I’m probably ABU 😞 but would appreciate some opinions!
(DP is a wonderful guy - honestly 10/10 on everything else but he had a really bad experience as a teen when he lost his parent and their very recent new spouse tried to take everything- think this has made him overly cautious)
Also - he said earlier that he would ‘ask around his family for good prenup solicitor recommendations (apparently a few of them have prenups) I was totally mortified as whilst I hadn’t questioned (until today) the idea of having one - people KNOWING we had one felt really embarrassing!
Like what’s the point in getting married if I’m walking down the aisle knowing all your family know you’ve had to ‘protect’ your assets from me!
Prenups do not exist in the UK. He could technically write one but They are not legally forceable. Problem solved, although if this is what he's like now I'd LTB before you have kids and you end up earning even less
No I wouldn't be getting married or combining finances in that situation.
I got married late in life and we both had assets. When we got married it was because we wanted to be a partnership and all that entails. His DM suggested a prenup and I said no way even though at that time it probably would have favoured me. My DH agreed and his DM got told to butt out.
In your situation where you will disadvantage yourself having children and reducing your earnings I would be questioning why you were even in this relationship.
YANBU, a pre nip situation gets messy. But it really does depend on the wording of it. If it is something like in the event of a divorce he gets 150k/maybe slightly more if other savings pension on meeting then everything is split equally not that bad. If it's things forward from the union then definitely out of order.
Also I think those who are serious about a pre nip for this sort of money are questionable about the for better for worse in sickness side of marriage. If something bad happened to you and say you were in a wheelchair or similar I feel these types are less likely to pull together.
I say this as male, owning a house pre my partner and she is basically now on the life sick most likely (29) after 3m of hospital after our twins. I have taken in her DD as my own and would never contemplate this sort of thing at all. She admittedly isn't on the mortgage, but has stupidly bad credit and would make it much more expensive...
@gunpowder - yes they do (the very expensive solicitor explained to me today)
‘whilst they’re not 100% legally enforceable they are widely accepted throughout the UK and a judge would need a good reason (significant change in circumstances...etc) to rule against the contents of one’
Which is why I’m concerned
@Bats - now my savings have been swallowed I have no assets - so feel like I don’t have a leg to stand on
The current suggestion is that we draw a line upon the point of meeting and everything before that remains his whilst everything after is split equally!
You were given bad advice - pre nups are not legally binding, though a judge in some instances may consider them in the case of divorce IF there is good reason in them, but this has only happened in a few cases and has taken safeguarding issues into account. But it's not like the US where it's automatic based on what a pre-nup states. Google is your friend on this. I do have legal experience, i haven't pulled this from the sky.
If you were married and had kids and split up, and you were the resident parent (I assume you would be if you're going part time and he has a busy job) then you'd be legally entitled to stay in the family hone with children until they turn (I think) 18. He might want to rethink marriage if that doesn't sit right with him.
Interestingly I don't know what people get married for if they don't want to be part of a team where assets and finances are shared. He can't have his cake and eat it
...but it’s tough for me as he already has the house and it’s unlikely to gain much as he paid top end of the market for it 3 years ago! I had no choice in the house and now we won’t move for ages as it’s ‘not worth moving within 5-7 years
I don't know how it works, but could you add your own part? For example any inheritance you get is covered, child support and maintenance is covered, and a payment for loss of earnings for each year you have had children and supported his career and not your own. Make sure what you do get is included as well as what you don't get. If he won't sign, then you don't.
So he's happy to benefit from your assets- the £7k savings, but wants to protect his?
On top of that he wants you to reduce your income while you raise his children, AND sign away your right to be compensated for that if you separate?
What stops him running off with an OW, his 150k and a pre nip in his pocket saying, "Fuck you Hattie"?
Think long and hard.
House decor/improvements - holidays - wedding
I know- I have realised this - now I 100% don’t think he’ll do this- he is wonderful and very loyal/shy academic type- I’m his first partner and he’s devoted to me...but I read stuff on here where women thought just that and got burnt!
*@gunpowder*;- unfortunately what the OP states is correct. What you refer to was the law but the law is now as OP / her solicitor states
Tbh I wouldn't have kids with a prenup in place. What happens to you and the children if you leave? You'll get nothing and your kids will get nothing
Even if they were worth the paper they're written on (they're not and please don't waste £2k on a solicitor drawing one up) it would be very foolish to say he can secure his £150k. What is the house price drops by 50% post Brexit? That £150k is now only worth £75k, so why should he be entitled to the full amount, and where will it come from? Answer: your pocket.
Has he been spending his money too?
Don't fall into the sunken fallacy trap. Losing your savings is shit but jumping into a marriage where you may end up with even less down the line would be much much worse. Especially as you plan to disadvantage yourself further to provide a family.
Is this the type of partnership you want to have children in where his first thought is how to make sure he doesn't lose out financially rather than how to protect his family and children. Yes it's prudent to protect yourself but equally marriage is about combining finances so in my opinion if you need a prenup then why bother getting married at all.
We have a pre nup as I gained from gifts from my parents - including a mortgage free property before I got together with DH. We have it stipulated for both of us that any inheritance or pensions would come under the prenup whilst anything we do together is joint. This means my DH’s inheritance from his DGM has also been protected - as would anything from his DP or DU (who has no kids and is likely to leave substantial money to DH and his DB). I know DH isn’t after my money and he benefits from the fact that we can be mortgage free now. However, a pre nup is a protection for when you don’t feel affection for the other person and I don’t see why I should take money from his inheritance (done or future) or him from gifts to me (which is basically just an inheritance given ahead of time). I think it’s important that the partnership recognises anything ‘earnt’ is mutual as I think that shows you are working as a team but I will encourage both our DC to have pre nups - one DS and one DD - as it would protect what they get from us no matter what situation they find themselves in, for example an abusive partner. Even if that partner had more than them, their stuff wouldn’t then be ‘sucked up’ in order to keep up
In my opinion - marriage is a legal contract that is primarily about money, assets and the 'protection' it offers partners in terms of inheritance/pensions etc.
I don't understand why people get married if they don't accept that.
Ask your partner why he wants to get married. Then ask him what he thinks the point of marriage is. If he says 'commitment' ask him what he think that actually means.
While a wedding is a nice show of your commitment in front of family and friends, it isn't marriage.
I wouldn't accept a pre nup and wouldn't want to marry someone who wanted one once we had sensibly talked through the above.
sayitwithcake it's interesting your take on things like inheritance. I view that as shared money and I think that's the key difference in people that want prenups and people that don't.
His DM tried the pushing of a prenup on to us and to be honest it tainted my relationship with her.
I don't understand why he needs a prenup if it's only the house equity that he had from before you got together that he wants to protect. Can that not be written into the mortgage somehow if you get added on?
Do you pay towards the mortgage now?
If you do have kids, and work PT whilst raising them, and years down the line you split up, he’ll be happy to leave you with fuck all.
Decent people don’t do that.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.