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I want to ban a misogynist from my house.

(111 Posts)
CoolCucumber88 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:01:56

I've name changed for this as it may be outing. I have a relative by marriage who is, in my opinion, a misogynist. I don't mean he tells sexist jokes, I think he holds damaging beliefs about women as demonstrated by:

Flirting with a young woman less than half his age he has never met on Facebook, sending her unwanted messages, commenting on her photos and then writing posts about her being a "stupid bitch" when she blocked him and that he thought she was desperate.

Commenting on women's appearances in a negative way when it isn't needed, such as calling women "fat bitches" when they dare be overweight in his presence. These women haven't even spoken to him he will just point one out and tell us how "fat and ugly" she is.

Horrible treatment of his now ex wife when they were married such as lying about saying he was at work when he was really flirting with women.

He has also in the past made sexually inappropriate comments about me to my DH. DH however tolerates "Fred" for the sake of family peace and thinks I should too. His reasoning is he rarely comes over to see us and he doesn't actually mean what he says and while it's unacceptable, he's from a different time and we should just humour him and wait for him to go away.

I do not want to tolerate Fred in my own home. I do not see why I should have to be around someone who makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to hear his comments or humour his opinions.

DH agrees with me they're unacceptable but thinks me saying he can never visit is too far and it's unfair as he hasn't said anyone from my family can't come over. Which is true but no one in my family acts like this and if they did I'd be saying the same thing. I've offered to see Fred with DH in a restaurant, coffee shop or other open space but DH doesn't see why I should be able to veto someone from the house.

I'm not in the wrong here to not want this gross behaviour in my home am I?

MissMaisel Wed 16-Jan-19 23:04:29

YANBU, he’s a complete twat and I wouldn’t have someone like that in my house.

redexpat Wed 16-Jan-19 23:07:30

Yanbu. Ive had similar with a relative of dhs. I dont care if dh thinks hes a good guy. Most of what comes out of his mouth is sexist and or racist and I wont have my children hearing such damaging shit.

DareDevil223 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:07:39

I wouldn't let him in the house and my DP would be equally horrified and would back me 100%, which is what your DH should be doing.

CoolCucumber88 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:08:06

I think he's a twat too. I don't want him anywhere near me or the kids. We have a daughter and I don't want her growing up thinking this behaviour is acceptable and I don't want my sons thinking it's an okay way to treat women.

CoolCucumber88 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:09:26

My DH is a really easy going guy who is too bloody nice for his own good and takes an unnecessary amount of shite from people. So he would rather we just don't say anything in this case but I don't see why we should be subjected to such twattery by this person.

DrunkUnicorn Wed 16-Jan-19 23:19:59

Oh Hell no. That man would not be entering my home again and he would know exactly why. If he then wants to spend his time cussing me out like he does all those other women, I could not care less. But no way is he welcome into my home.

Any person who makes inappropriate comments about me to my DH will (at the very least) be swiftly shown the door by him, not politely tolerated.

MulticolourMophead Wed 16-Jan-19 23:24:50

YANBU. Your DH needs to stop being so wet. These are damaging attitudes and he's not being a responsible parent allowing this kind of person around his DCs.

His reasoning is he rarely comes over to see us and he doesn't actually mean what he says and while it's unacceptable, he's from a different time and we should just humour him and wait for him to go away.

Your DH needs to realise that "Fred" really does mean these things, and that it's perfectly acceptable to call Fred out on it/ban him from the house. It's not just the misogynistic attitudes, it's the lying you mention too. And does he call these women fat in front of the DCs?

I have family members who will never cross my threshold. I have no intention of putting up with that kind of attitude in my own home.

MulticolourMophead Wed 16-Jan-19 23:27:22

He has also in the past made sexually inappropriate comments about me to my DH.

I missed this bit. And your DH still thinks you should welcome him into your home? He shoud be defending you, not sucking it up and expecting you to do so too.

CoolCucumber88 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:30:05

He doesn't do it in front of the DC because I rarely let him see them.

DH sees Fred in an idealised form and always has an excuse for Freds bad behaviour. He is only like this with Fred. If anyone else behaved like this he wouldn't be arguing with me about it.

I don't care whether someone is related to me or not, if they're a massive bellend then I don't want them here.

CoolCucumber88 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:31:32

The comments about me were mild, but made me uncomfortable. He asked DH when we were dating to hurry up and marry me before he claimed me for himself and then asked DH if I ever gave him a blowjob. It's creepy, isn't it?

DH thinks Fred isn't all there and feels sorry for him.

Cheeringmeup Wed 16-Jan-19 23:40:13

What MulticolourMophead said

This is probably the most important bit - random family dickheads can be dickheads, but this makes it personal and much less ok to ignore.
There’s no way you should accept this kind of shit behaviour, or, as you’ve said, allow your daughter to be exposed to it.
Sorry, but Fred would not be welcome in my home.

CoolCucumber88 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:43:31

The other reason DH is reluctant is cultural. We are from a culture where elders have respect and traditionalism including some sexist views are still fairly high among that generation. Which makes it even more imperative in my opinion to keep this away from DD - I don't want her "accepting" that it's okay treat girls of colour badly and get it excused by "culture". Because it isn't.

CoolCucumber88 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:44:48

I'm not saying sexism is worse for WOC by that, just that sometimes people excuse certain attitudes based on race and culture and I don't want her accepting bad behaviour due to that reason

AnotherEmma Wed 16-Jan-19 23:48:46

YANBU
And... that Mumsnet favourite... you have a DH problem.

arranbubonicplague Wed 16-Jan-19 23:50:46

I've offered to see Fred with DH in a restaurant, coffee shop or other open space but DH doesn't see why I should be able to veto someone from the house.

I sometimes wonder if, for all the rhetoric about a man's home being his castle, some of them don't understand that women can sometimes crave that their home should be a place of safety and a refuge from things that chip away at us. Like Fred's misogyny that you just don't want to welcome into your home and refuge from the outside world.

CoolCucumber88 Wed 16-Jan-19 23:53:59

I sometimes wonder if, for all the rhetoric about a man's home being his castle, some of them don't understand that women can sometimes crave that their home should be a place of safety and a refuge from things that chip away at us. Like Fred's misogyny that you just don't want to welcome into your home and refuge from the outside world.

This is how I feel. My home is a place of safety for me and the DC for when the world is too much. I don't want ignorance and nastiness to enter it.

I think I have been very fair by saying I'll see him in public and I've also said I'll be civil at parties and weddings. I just don't want a misogynist in my house.

BlancheM Thu 17-Jan-19 00:00:30

Of course yanbu! Agree with PPs about your DH. Why should you grin and bear it at the expense of your own feelings and morals, just to indulge your DH's meekness when it comes to other men disrespecting you and being a disgusting example to your kids?

DeRigueurMortis Thu 17-Jan-19 00:01:37

YANBU

Men get away with such "views" because people (usually other men) enable it.

It's not "harmless" and tolerating it is akin to condoning it.

I don't understand why some men expect their wives to put up with entertaining misogynists in their home unless they are beyond fucking clueless or secretly have a degree of empathy that their views have merit.

CoolCucumber88 Thu 17-Jan-19 00:01:54

He thinks it won't affect the kids as Fred isn't there enough. Over the last two years I've probably seen him less than eight times. But it's still eight times too many in my opinion.

Legumewaffle Thu 17-Jan-19 00:02:03

YANBU. I think you're right to speak up, especially considering that you have a daughter.

Just to put it into a different context, if he was being racist do you think your DH would expect you to put up with it then?

I think it's easier for some people (like my mysogonistic FIL) to understand it when you swap out the type of discrimination, because thankfully we have a better (not complete) awareness of racism now but feminism is still a dirty word to many people.

ReanimatedSGB Thu 17-Jan-19 00:03:01

I do sympathise but... It's your DH's house as well. How would you feel if he wanted to ban one of your close friends or relatives? I don't think anyone should unilaterally ban another family member's guests from the house, it's just not ethical.
However, if I was in your situation I would just go out (and take DC) whenever Mr Dickhead is due to visit.

CoolCucumber88 Thu 17-Jan-19 00:04:49

DH doesn't share the same views and has told Fred repeatedly that they're unacceptable and not to behave in that manner. Freds repeated behaviour screams that he doesn't respect either of us very much. He has also insulted DH before and said he isn't a real man and that he's a stupid child who should listen to his families wishes (Freds wishes - the rest of them are great). This also really irritates me because I don't see why DH just accepts it with "That's just how Fred is." I know it's how he is. He is an arsehole.

SaturdayNext Thu 17-Jan-19 00:07:50

DH agrees with me they're unacceptable but thinks me saying he can never visit is too far and it's unfair as he hasn't said anyone from my family can't come over.

Does your husband know what" unacceptable" means? Surely it can only mean not only that you don't have to accept it, but that you mustn't accept it - whether it's in your home or elsewhere.

Point out that if or when any member of your family is misogynist or indeed misandrist you will certainly say that they can't come over either.

The fact that Fred is older and from a different generation is utterly irrelevant. It doesn't excuse this sort of conduct, and I suspect we can all point to a number of people of all ages up to and including 100 years old who wouldn't dream of behaving like this.

AgentJohnson Thu 17-Jan-19 00:08:06

Your H is weak and he’d rather you be uncomfortable in your own home than having to step up. Him placating his knob of a relative says al lot about the type of person he is. Stand your ground, it appears that you’re going to be the role model to your children that your H clearly isn’t going to be.

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