y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Just notified my typos in my title - my hands are actually shaking with nerves

[ContessaIsOnADietDammit]

We're behind you all the way, op. Do consider recording it if that's feasible, as she has a habit of changing the story.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Just wanted to wish you all the best @QueenofmyPrinces . You must be nervous but try your best to stay emotional less. Keep to the facts. Tell her that her behaviour past & present is hurtful to you.

You have a lot of people on MN who are in your corner!

[PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker]

Can you lonkto the previous threads please? I'm so sorry...

[7yo7yo]

We are here op.
We’ve got your back.
Might be an idea to write things down.

[RandomMess]

Bursting into tears wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing tbh

[OhLookHeKickedTheBall]

Sorry you're still going through this. Just remember that it is your home and if she can't treat you with respect in it then it's fine to kick her out whether she's your mother or not.

[Purplepinkpurple]

Hi sorry , what's the original thread? Hope you're ok op x

[Purplepinkpurple]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3434588-My-sister-financially-benefitting-from-our-parents-AGAIN

[Auntpetunia2015]

Good luck. But do be prepared for

No I didn’t do/say that and
You’re making a huge fuss

[CatsCatsCats11]

Good luck OP. Hope she is ready to listen.

[EmpressJewel]

Good luck op.

[Weezol]

I've been following your thread from the beginning and am absolutely behind you all the way. I agree with PP that you ought to record the meeting.

The Mumsnet nest of vipers has your back!

[VampirateQueen]

Good luck OP.

[ChrisjenAvasarala]

I remember your thread from when it all kicked off, but hadn't seen all the stuff after Xmas. I'm so sorry.

On a side note, your sister should have put her foot down and told her that all the grandchildren need I be treated the same. If one gets a savings account, then all of them get a savings account. All of the children have 2 parents. And her ex provides for them so they aren't missing out... as said before, he would have paid 60% of the trip costs so the absent father excuse is nonsense.

Your sister should have made it clear that the children are given the exact same.

[Littlewhitedove]

Been following since the start and hope it goes ok OP. Will be thinking of you xx

[UninspiringUserName]

Oh OP, I had a similar blow up with my family last year and it knocked the stuffing out of me. Sending you love and strength to get through this evening. Just take it one moment at a time and know that you're better than all of this...

[GenericHamster]

Thinking of you, OP

[JamPasty]

I'm late to the thread, but massive hugs OP. It sounds like your mum hangs her self esteem solely on being able to throw cash at your DSis and thus feel she's not done a shit job of being a mum. She stands to lose the one thing that's allowing her to see herself as a decent person and she can't cope with that. To move on, she'll need to acknowledge how badly she fucked up and it sounds like she's unable to face that. Not that that in any way excuses her behaviour, because it's deplorable. You may need to make peace with the fact she will never be able to admit she was wrong though.

Don't, whatever happens, allow anything she does or says or reveals to come between you and your sister, because it sounds very much like you and your sister are so very important to each other. Don't let your mum bugger that up by her current antics.

Hang on in there, and keep reminding yourself that this was all going to blow up sooner or later, and the fact you haved managed to not only maintain but improve the basis of your relationships with your dad and sister is testament to how well you are handling all this, and also shows how much they both value and care about you.

[Tistheseason17]

I cannot imagine she is even a little bit sorry. Hope you're ok, OP.

[joanmcc]

I'm sorry OP, none of this is fair. And I suspect deep down she knows that. But easier (in her view) to make you believe otherwise than to accept it herself.

[livs1987]

Breaks my heart to see you constantly getting your hopes up that your mum actually cares about you and wants to sort this out, only to find out that there’s a caveat or that she’s not open any perspective but hers. It’s so hurtful.

I think for your own emotional well-being and mental health, you’ll do well to just distance yourself from her. And trying not to expect much from her in the future as there’s a high chance that she’ll disappoint you. She genuinely seems toxic. Your family/main focus now should be your husband and your children

[livs1987]

Having said that, I do really hope that it went well tonight and that you can hopefully move forward positively!

[NWQM]

Hope you are okay OP

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Thanks everyone for your messages, it really helps to have some supportive readers to bounce my thoughts off

I don’t know what I was expecting from this evening but it’s left me feeling slightly empty and sad. My mom was here for almost 3 hours, so a lot has been said therefore I will try and keep it as concise as possible.

My mom did acknowledge that her behaviours towards my sister have always been different to how she behaved towards me and she said that she knows she has done wrong. She also said there is nothing she can do to change the past and she doesn’t know what to say or do to make things better.

I told her how hurt I was that after the initial fall out 6 weeks ago, and knowing how upset I had been, she had then gone on to try and convince my sister to start up the payments behind my back again. I asked her why she would do that, why she would want to lie to me again and encourage my sister to lie to me too and she just said it had seemed the right thing to suggest at the time because she was worried about how my sister would cope without the money.

I told her that it felt like she was purposefully trying to cause rifts between me and my sister but she brushed my comments aside and wouldn’t be drawn into a conversation about that no matter how much I tried to bring her back on the topic. She just seemed very uncomfortable when I spoke about me and my sister as a unit as opposed to us just being individuals.

However, the part that was the most difficult to talk about was when she bought up her PND and she had said that from the start she had always felt differently towards me as a baby than how she had felt when my sister was born and her indifference towards me and the spiralling PND was what led her to leave us.

She said that she hates herself for how she had felt towards me as an infant and she wished she could turn back time and love me when I was born like she had loved my sister when she was born but that at the time she’d been ill and confused and didn’t know what to do and so she had left.

She said that after her return, and as the years passed and her PND was addressed she went on to feel genuine love for me and that she had always loved me in the exact same way that she had loved my sister and there were never any feelings of preference towards her or resentment towards me.

She was really upset when talking about her PND and she just kept apologising over and over again for what she had done and how she had initially felt towards me when I was born.

In my line of work I have come across PND quite a lot and I see how it manifests and so I have no anger towards my mom for the way she felt towards me in the months after my birth. I know PND is an illness and she had no control over how she felt and acted and so I have never dwelt on it really and have certainly never hated her for it.

She said that once she came back after having left us and she realised the severity of what she’d done she said that the guilt she felt was towards my sister, not me, and that she lived with that guilt every day.

I told her that it hurt to hear that she felt guilty about leaving my sister but not me and she just kept apologising. She told me that I had been so young when she walked out that it had never occurred to her that I’d miss her (as she’d never felt that mother/baby bond) whereas my sister had been of an age where she would have known our mom had gone and they had a genuine and established loving relationship.

I told her that me and my sister had spoken a lot about her PND and the fact she’d left us and that neither of us blamed her at all for what she’d done. I explained that we knew she had been ill and not thinking rationally at the time and therefore we had no reason to be angry towards her and that we didn’t even have any memories of it.

Anyway - I could go on and on about all the things that were said but that was the general gist.

I told her that her misplaced guilt about having left us as infants had led to decades and decades of turmoil for her, me and my sister and that so much hurt has been caused as a result. She said she was sorry and that she wished things had been different but that she can’t change the past.

I asked if she had spoken to my sister about all this harboured guilt but she said no and that she will never feel like she can.

I asked her why it was so different to talk to me about it as opposed to my sister seeing as she’d had no problem being open with me but she couldn’t give me an answer.

So yes - that was a general summary of the conversation. She was really upset when she left and she knows she had done wrong. I think that between her bad childhood and her PND she has a LOT of issues and underneath everything I think she’s a very, very unhappy person which of course, as her daughter, makes me sad.

In hindsight we didn’t really talk much about the details of my feelings of inferiority throughout my life because she was already clearly struggling with the guilt of feeling like she’d failed one child (my sister) without me making her feel like she’d failed her other child too.

I do plan to talk to her at some point regarding my perception of my childhood to see if she can understand why I’m feeling so hurt, but tonight wasn’t the appropriate time.

There were a lot of things she said about her PND, how much she struggles on a daily basis and how it has affected her relationships with me and my sister but I don’t want to include it here because I know it can be a very emotive and triggering subject and I don’t potentially want to cause upset to any posters who have experienced it.

For my mom to have talked so openly about her feelings about a very difficult subject is a HUGE step forwards because it showed a human side to her that she’s never let anyone see before, especially me or my sister. She never lets anyone see any vulnerability in her so tonight was a big step for her.

It may not have been the outcome I expected in terms of getting an apology but in a way it has eased my hurt because I can see what pain my mom has been living with for almost 30 years and it’s helped me understand that this is more complex than her just wanting to be my sister’s saviour.

I feel drained by it all but I definitely feel that a step forward has been taken and her honestly has provided us with a platform to build upon.

Wow - that wasn’t very concise was it, sorry.

(I also think I’m in shock about my mom having used the word ‘love‘ in our conversation and actually admitting that she loved/loves me and my sister. I didn’t realise that word was even in her vocabulary.)