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AIBU?

Wet at pick-up

79 replies

Aleela · 16/01/2019 08:12

DD has been at nursery since 2, she is now just turned 3. We have been potty training for a few months now. At home, she will wet herself in knickers or clothes as she cannot pull them down herself and will not ask me to do it for her in time, other times she just wets herself and continues sitting in it. However, with no underwear/leggings on she is fine and will take herself for a wee with no issue. Sometimes she will tell me she needs a wee before she hops on, other times she won't.

Nursery were the ones who told us they thought she was ready to potty train. Yet, there have been about 4 times now when I have picked her up from nursery and she is wet from wetting herself - trousers wet to touch, socks wet, shoes smelling of wee!!!! I have had to change her into fresh clothes in the toilet before bringing her home. I asked them about it t( I assumed she had just done a mega wee before I picked her up) and they said she must have just done it. But it keeps happening.

She is very shy and won't ask them to go to the toilet, and if they ask her she is likely to say no because she doesn't like going and sitting on potty as she would rather play - you have to get her to sit on it and try in a nursery situation, it's not like at home where she has the choice with the potty there constantly.

From what I gather, they don't have set 'toilet times' and seem to take the younger ones in at random times when one of them needs it, in pairs or trios, while the older ones seem to just ask or walk through the door to the toilet by themselves.

What should I say to them? I think they will just insist she keeps weeing just as arrive. AIBU to expect them to notice a child who is wet enough to have soaked socks and shoes!?!?

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 16/01/2019 08:21

3 is fairly late to be potty training. I know it is trendy to leave it too late but that has been pushed my nappy companies. Will she be at school this September or next September?

You need to be teaching her to manage her own leggings and knickers and only dress her in clothes she can manage herself. I would be role playing with her how to say she needs the toliet.

You also need to dicuss these issues with nursery and ask them what they suggest and tell them what you want eg someone to ask her is she needs the toliet every 30 mins.

IceRebel · 16/01/2019 08:22

I would be taking a break from potty training, nothing in your post really shows she is ready. Most noticeably the training for a few months, potty training shouldn't take months, it should be a week or so at most.

Chewinggumwalk · 16/01/2019 08:26

Why is 3 late? Yes it’s a PITA and expensive to keep leaving it, but I would have thought it would be quicker as NT DC have much more understanding and communication at that age? Or am I missing something?

We left it until 3 because of practical reasons, and found it only took a couple of days, but have DC2 to train one day, so am very interested in the whys and hows!

Looneytune253 · 16/01/2019 08:26

Send her back in for them to change every time. They defo shouldn’t be leaving her like this!! Happened to one of my little ones (I’m a cm) and I would send her back in to change and sometimes got mum to call up and complain. They then got to the stage they were checking her before she came out. She was also damp rather than wet so you could tell she’d been sitting in it a while

Chewinggumwalk · 16/01/2019 08:27

Sorry OP, pressed post too soon.

I think you need to talk to the staff; it sounds like your DD is a bit too shy to tell them she needs to go/needs help? And they shouldn’t be leaving her in wet clothes, surely they’ve noticed that!

Aleela · 16/01/2019 08:30

3 is fairly late to be potty training. I know it is trendy to leave it too late but that has been pushed my nappy companies. Will she be at school this September or next September?

September 2020. She can pull up her leggings back up at the front but not the back. She gets frustrated and starts crying saying she can't do it.

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MumW · 16/01/2019 08:33

If she can't manage her clothes on her own, then it's not fair to expect her to manage at nursery, especially if she won't ask.
However, I would talk to the nursery about the best way forward and encourage her to practise putting her pjs on and off

Dreamingofkfc · 16/01/2019 08:33

3 isn't really late to potty train, I wouldn't say it's pushed by nappy companies at all. Sounds like she isn't ready. If you'll have been trying for months and she's still having accidents I'd take a step back and go back into nappies and try again later. I'd also mention to nursery that you aren't happy to pick her up like that, they should change her if that's the case

Aleela · 16/01/2019 08:33

3 is fairly late
We tried before but she was even worse prior to this re wetting herself and showing no bother about it + crying/putting up a fight about sitting on a potty, to the point we would have to restrain her on it or let her get off, so we waited. And here we are.

would be taking a break from potty training, nothing in your post really shows she is ready. Most noticeably the training for a few months, potty training shouldn't take months, it should be a week or so

I feel like if I stop now it will confuse her more & the nursery will look down on me because they were the ones who told me she is nearly 3 you need to throw out her nappies and bring her in in trousers etc, they were very insistent and made me feel like I was doing it all wrong.

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Jackshouse · 16/01/2019 08:34

Oh bless her. Have you shown her exactly how to do it and made it into a song? We used to say ‘pants down sit down, and stand up pants up’ for a long time and when she came into the loo with us for a long time before she started training.

I would be asking her is she wants to go back in nappies and seeing what she says and focus on managing clothes and speaking up for a while.

Aleela · 16/01/2019 08:36

At home, she is soooo good with sitting on the potty. Yes, we have some accidents, but they tend to be when she is absorbed in something and forgets or when she is dressed. If she is free in the nether regions then we do t have an issue. She is so proud of herself when she uses the potty and will jump up saying "I did a wee 😁" and loves to flush it down the toilet. She has been asking to use the big toilet like we do, so we were gonna get her a little seat for it.

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DinoGreen · 16/01/2019 08:38

I think you need to get nursery to be more proactive here. When we first potty trained my DS, nursery sat him on the potty every 45 mins or so. If she’s not asking to go they need to help by prompting her regularly. And both at home and at nursery, don’t make it a choice (do you need a wee?) as if she’s anything like my ds she will always say no. Just say “right time to sit on the potty/toilet!” And frogmarch them there.

Aleela · 16/01/2019 08:41

I would be asking her is she wants to go back in nappies and seeing what she says and focus on managing clothes and speaking up for a while.


I have shown her yes, we had fun making a dance out of it. She is the same with taking her socks off - she doesn't seem to have the coordination to pull from the front and the back over the heel, same with her leggings/trousers. Will do some more with her on that though! Thank you

She has had 3 key-workers since starting nursery last April and I don't think this has helped her. The first one left without telling anyone so I assumed she was fired as she wasn't very professional in her language/convo with parents & nursery usually send a text out saying if someone is leaving to work elsewhere etc. Then we had another one for a couple of weeks, before she got her current KW who she loves. She talks about her at home - likely they changed her from the 2nd person to the 3rd due to her getting on with this one better. But now this KW is out of the country for 6 months planning and getting married. I think the lack of stability of having someone she really knows and feels comfortable with is setting her potty training back at nursery perhaps

OP posts:
Aleela · 16/01/2019 08:45

When we first potty trained my DS, nursery sat him on the potty every 45 mins or so. If she’s not asking to go they need to help by prompting her regularly

I think this also is an issue - I don't think they are taking her to the toilet unasked at regular times, or being sat on the toilet to try if she says no (and yes, she will say no for many reasons - playing, shy, in a bad mood). If I pick her up wet again I will tell them they need to be firm with toilet times and take her every time!

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Yura · 16/01/2019 08:46

She isn’t ready. wait a couple of months. my oldest was likecthat, went back to nappues, tried again 3 month later - and has had 3 accidents all in all. wetting themselves daily means she is not ready, practice getting gersrlf dressed and undressed first, then try again. “ready” means ready in every respect, but if she can’t undress herself, she isn’t ready in this respect

IceRebel · 16/01/2019 08:50

I feel like if I stop now it will confuse her more

How would it confuse her? Currently it sounds like she is only reliable if she has no clothes on her lower half. If she has pants on she often wets, and doesn't seem to feel uncomfortable when sitting in wet clothes. If you reintroduce nappies nothing changes. You can still have nappy free time at home and can continue to practise taking clothes off.

& the nursery will look down on me

Who cares about what the nursery think? They're the ones who keep chopping and changing her key worker and leave her in wet clothes for who knows how long.

Yura · 16/01/2019 08:50

To be dry, she needs to know when she needs to go, and go. a child sent to the loo every 45 minutes is not dry - just out of nappies, not in charge wee/poo. its just adult reminders replacing the nappy.

Aspergallus · 16/01/2019 08:50

Can you take a couple of weeks of parental leave and get it cracked at home?

Also easier clothes for a few months -loose joggers rather than leggings for example.

Wavingwhiledrowning · 16/01/2019 08:50

We had a similar thing with DS. At home he was great, but either forgot to ask at nursery or didn't want to. We took a break from it for a while and it did him no harm. We also used training pants (I know lots of people reckon they're terrible things but they worked great for us). They had a picture of Lightning McQueen on them and his job was to keep Lightning dry all day. Once he cottoned onto that he never had an accident again. He stayed in the pull ups for a while though to get confident (he's quite sensitive to things not going to plan!).

JoeLycettsSparklyArmSling · 16/01/2019 08:51

Doesn’t sound like she’s ready. I was steamrollered into potty training my daughter when she was 2 and it failed twice because she wasn’t ready. She was I think 2.9 years old when we succeeded 3rd time round. She got the hang of it within about 2-3 days. I’d try again in a few months or earlier if you think she’s ready earlier. Good luck!

Aleela · 16/01/2019 08:55

Ok, so it seems the consensus might be that she is not ready. Now I feel bad for pushing her into it. I did tell the nursery I felt she wasn't ready, having tried her a few times ourself before this point, and they were basically like: Hmm we don't think so.
and considering she wets herself at nursery at least once every day, sometimes more (she is only there 8-1) because they put the dirty clothes in her bag, I'm confused as to why they thought she was ready.

OP posts:
BejamNostalgia · 16/01/2019 08:56

We used pull ups in this situation and they worked. He didn’t get soaked through, but the pull ups stayed damp enough for it to annoy him a bit so he learned to go to the loo instead. I know a lot of people are horrified by pull ups, but they can be useful in some situations.

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CherryPavlova · 16/01/2019 09:02

At three she is ready unless she has some sort of problem. The issue is she can’t manage her clothes herself. Get looser leggings or put her in a dress and teach her to dress herself.
Ask nursery to take her regularly/remind her rather than waiting for her to ask.
If she’s wet at collection time take her in and change her or arrive ten minutes earlier to take her before she wets herself.

emzw12 · 16/01/2019 09:02

There are a couple of possible ways forward:
Does she know when she needs to go for a wee? I assume so because you say she will go when she has no clothes on. But if she doesn't know yet when she needs a wee that's different all together and not ready for potty training.

My DS was potty trained by his 2nd birthday and it was about a 2 week process start to end because he definitely was ready.

But I too struggled with the clothes thing he struggled with some trousers so in the end I resorted to supermarket jogging bottoms, which are loose and baggy. He had them at nursery for about 3 months until he learned to hold it a bit longer to get his tighter trousers down.

Leggings are quite tight, why not try some jogging bottoms or just skirts if your nursery is nice and warm.

Aleela · 16/01/2019 09:03

@IceRebel

I really don't know why I care so much about what the nursery think of me. Most of them are lovely. I guess because I just lack confidence & first child, manager is much older than me, I ended up feeling I was doing it wrong and she must be acting differently at nursery re potty... But evidently not.

I'm getting a bit frustrating thinking back on it now as it seems like a coincidence that they wanted her out of nappies at the same time as she moved out of toddler group into 3-4yr room (which is upstairs, whereas they keep the boxes with nappies on it downstairs). Maybe there was an element of them not wanting the hassle of having to either have her nappy box upstairs or going downstairs with her every time she needed changing Sad

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