Sex already gone from marriage 6-months in

[BeeBop48]

I am a recently married 30-something and I feel that the sex in my relationship has packed up and shipped out completely. My partner is, and always has been quite overweight. This isn't something that has ever bothered me and I have always found him handsome. He's also the sweetest, funniest, kindest person I know and I love him deeply. However, in the last year, he's gained weight to the point where is breathing is becoming heavier and none of his clothes fit him anymore.

I'm not an image-conscious person, but I find myself embarrassed for him that his shirts pop open and his bum crack is always showing, because his trousers won't stay up (his belly has gotten too big for them to sit properly on his waist). Sex is uncomfortable for me in nearly every position because his weight hinders the process. And that's when he's actually interested in having sex - his libido is really low. I'm not someone who needs sex on a daily basis, but I'd like it a little more than once every couple of months. I've tried different things to encourage it, but he just never seems that bothered about it. It's like it's too much of an effort for him to spend that sort of time with me. And this means that when we do have sex, it's usually over before it's even begun...

I've tried to tell him that he needs to lose some weight for his health and it's falling on deaf ears. I've suggested we go to the gym together and he came a couple of times, then just said he's too busy (he works part-time freelance and doesn't have any other hobbies besides stand-up comedy, which he only does now and then). I even offered to buy him some sessions with a trainer if he wanted to exercise without me there, but he said he "wasn't ready for that kind of commitment". I'm reaching a point where it's becoming really difficult not to criticise him for the amount he's eating and conversely not exercising, even though I KNOW this isn't going to be helpful to him.

Personally I am pretty fit and I go to the gym 4 times a week. I try to maintain a healthy diet, though I enjoy sweet things. For his sake I've really tried to cut them out so we don't have them in the house, but I know when they're in the cupboard he's eating them in secret. Because my physical appearance is what it is, occasionally other men look at me when we're out together and I know it really upsets him. I have absolutely no interest in anyone else and I genuinely don't want that sort of attention from anyone but him. He just seems like he's not that bothered about me for anything more than companionship. And while he is truly my best friend, I didnt sign up for a sexless marriage.

We both want kids, but I really don't want to bring up a child in an environment where they may end up having weight and food issues. I've tried to come from the angle that I want him to be able to run around with a toddler, go on bike rides etc. and he insists he wants that too, and yet he's not actually doing anything to show that? Time is ticking for having a child naturally and I'm worried we won't ever do it if something doesn't change.

With all this in mind, he makes fun of some of our female friends for being overweight. He also comments on his brother's weight gain quite often, and talks about one of his ex-girlfriends as being overweight and therefore unattractive. I have to wonder, if I gain weight during our relationship, will he hold me to the same standard while completely ignoring his own weight issues??

I feel absolutely awful even typing this out. But I don't know what else to do. I don't feel like this is something I can properly discuss with him without putting him into a depression about his appearance. Is it time for tough love or do I just carry on trying to be supportive??

[Ceejly]

He needs a harsh reality check.

I suggest you simple read out what you have written here exactly. He needs 5o know that his weight, appearance, hypocrisy and laziness are endangering your relationship.

[myothernameismyrealone]

I agree with PP, you will have to sit down and talk to him directly about the fact your marriage will not have a future if he doesn’t change. If you can, keep it calm and detached, so he knows it is thought through and determined rather than a spontaneous (and therefore possibly temporary) outburst of frustration. It’s affecting things too much for you not to speak out in the terms you have here.

I expect the snide comments on others’ weight are a way of coping with his own insecurities- in all likelihood he has noticed the things you have too, and is doing his absolute best to bury his head in the sand.

As a life-long hater of enforced exercise, I can say that no one trying to cajole me into some will get good results. He has to want it - either for itself or its results. It doesn’t sound like he’s there yet. This may change if he realises he will lose you but he does want to have to want to do it. Has he always been overweight and unfit? I put on huge amounts of weight with two very hard pregnancies close together, 18 months after baby two and I’m still three stone overweight. I feel like I’ve been this way for so long I’m forgetting how I used to look (was a size 8, alas). I expect other people feel the same way if they have been overweight for a long time or always, it definitely is impacting my ability to motivate myself to give up bad foods and do exercise.

That’s my sympathetic voice. The other part of me wants to say- we only get one life. It’s rubbish for him he is in the situation he is, but set yourself a deadline for him to make changes, and if he doesn’t please do not risk your future happiness hanging around hoping it will happen. Don’t close the door on the chance of children if that’s what you want. It sounds harsh, but there could be another loving, fun husband out there, but if you wait too long there won’t be a chance for your own baby. Good luck.

[Breakawaygirl]

I think you are totally right to feel as you do.

I believe we should expect from ourselves what we expect from our partners. If you expect a fit partner, you should be a fit partner. If you expect a loyal partner, be a loyal partner, and so on.

Also, unless the weight is connected to health issues, which is only really a very minor number of cases in comparison to the scale of the problem, it is doing himself a great disservice.

You need to talk to him about this and say that you are having concerns about his health, starting a family and your sex life. Is his weight indicative of a larger problem? How is his self-esteem? Is he depressed? Often people who are obese tend to use their weight as a shield I think, a protective layer, a way of isolating themselves before they are isolated. Of course he could just be lazy and in denial but many people who are obese/overweight get themselves into gear and change their life's, he can too.

[proseccoaficionado]

Unfortunately food is an addiction just like any other. It could be that he's dealing with life by eating (I had a roommate in uni who ended up 7 stone or so overweight and in the end she died at 28 with heart disease 😢) or turns to food for comfort.

Again, unfortunately you can't help anyone if they don't want your help... he definitely needs a reality check but not by ultimatums or threatening you'll leave, etc.

Try to have yet another conversation with him re the breathing especially because this is serious. What does his family think about it?

[BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty]

I've got a very similar issue with my OH.
He lost several stone in weight, then we got together and slowly the weight gain crept in. Mine has too, but I acknowledge it and have been trying to do something about it. But he definitely has a degree of "hidden penis" which makes it really difficult to have sex. I can barely straddle him, and he struggles to get it in if we are in the missionary position. He's also lost some of his drive since we've recently moved in together, while he adjusts to the new situation. This is the first time he has cohabited. I broke down the other day and told him how his mam has been on at me about helping him, and how he has asked me for support, but he then throws it back in my face, getting defensive. He started to smell of sweaty fat person in September and I can't bear it. I insist on making him packed lunches to take to work now, which seems to be helping as he isn't living off expensive shite he picks up on breaks. But it's hard.

[CountryGirl1234]

Could he be depressed? His lack of commitment to looking after himself only says to me that he could be having other issues. He could be slighting others because it’s truly what he dislikes about himself.
Totally understandable to feel the way you do. I agree with PP’s on that you need to talk to him about it, think you should go in easy though if he is depressed, it could feel like an attack and you don’t want to shut him off totally. May also be worth seeing a dietitian which will help divert any bad feeling into what can we do about it to help.

[Aquamarine1029]

You have made a MASSIVE mistake in marrying this man. He doesn't care about his own well-being and he will never be able to invest in your future. You can't fix him. I strongly suggest you leave him and focus on your own future because he certainly won't. Save yourself before it's too late.