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AIBU?

To dread my wedding?

113 replies

sailorcherries · 15/01/2019 23:56

We're approaching the final countdown, around 90 days or so to go, and I'm dreading it.

I wanted to go away and get married but never because of my grandmother. She won't see another grandchild get married, has done a lot for me, and wouldn't be able to fly.
I'm now stuck with a wedding I've never envisioned, in a venue I'm not too fond of, with a guest list I'm not keen on with no way out. Our honeymoon also won't be the kind I dreamed of as a child (I dreamed of the honeymoon, not the wedding) because we have kids.
My parents and DPs parents have kindly paid for our wedding and it is a budget wedding. We've have contributed some savings.
The venue is nice but, had I known I'd be married in this country, it would not be anywhere near my top 50. I have a top list of venues that I genuinely go weak kneed for, but at over £8,000 for hire only and no food/drink I'd mever, ever be able to afford them. My guest list is too much for my liking but again, it's done. Honeymoon won't be the far off places because of young kids.

I know we could have waited and saved more but with two kids I didn't want to spend silly amounts on one day, when it could go towards them. I also had enough for the wedding I dreamed of. DP and I compromised on a lot because we're people pleasers. This has massively impacted our day, much to my now dismay.

To top it off my sister's boyfriend has just messaged me about ring shopping and I am thrilled to go, she deserves this. However I know, knowing my sister, she will not have the same issues I do. I know it will be a big wedding, in the venue she wants (even if it cripples my parents and his) because she gets what she wants. I feel jealous and she's not even engaged. Not jealous of a big white wedding, but jealous of having what she wants. This bit I know is bloody pathetic.

I'm hoping this is just nerves. My day will be good, I'm marrying the man I love and that's that. As a bonus we will have so many people who love us there. In a few months no one will care about the day apart from us. The stress is also starting to creep in - finalising our ceremony, ensuring we have all our decorations, writing vows, ordering invites and so on in between work and real life. Work is also stressful, hence sitting at 11:55pm, drinking wine, worrying and getting upset about something that makes me seem so selfish and precious.
Aibu in feeling a bit sad, a bit gutted, while also knowing this is a first world problem and my day will be perfect, if not what I imagined?

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 16/01/2019 00:04

Sounds like you've been swept up into other people's expectations. It's done now and you probably can't change much. Enjoy what you have and have a great day! (Presumably you are not having doubts about the actual marriage).

CosmicComet · 16/01/2019 00:08

I hated my wedding. It was shit apart from the actual getting married part. I wanted to elope and spend our limited budget on a tiny luxury wedding for two. But DH insisted on stretching that to 100 people by booking a crap venue and cheap buffet with no honeymoon. Because he didn’t want his f mother to be disappointed by not attending a big wedding.

So it wasn’t MY wedding. It was everyone else’s wedding. I hated it and I’m still resentful several years later. I don’t even have any photos because I just want to forget it. On our 10th anniversary I’ll insist on renewing our vows in the sort of ceremony I wanted in the first place!

sailorcherries · 16/01/2019 00:09

No doubts about the actual marriage. I knew what I wanted and this day, although it will likely be someone else's dream, is not mine.
I had a beautiful viewpoint over the sea in mind with a small amount of guests (or an incredibly expensive historic building which would always be out of budget). I now have a naice golf club with 100+ guests.
I've been swept up and I'm overwhelmed but with no way out (apart from cancelling and putting a few people out of pocket financially, which I'd never do).

It doesn't help as I know at least 3 other people getting married and getting what they want (not the wedding I would want, but what they want).

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 16/01/2019 00:09

It’s one day. It doesn’t matter if things go wrong. Just see as marrying the person you want to and an excuse for a party. Delegate if you can.

Don’t make it into a big deal. You’ll have fun on the day regardless and you won’t care about any of the details that aren't perfect.

OlennasWimple · 16/01/2019 00:09

Have the wedding you need to have (because of being in the UK, having kids, budget etc) and save to have an awesome anniversary holiday along the lines of your ideal honeymoon

Flowers

Commonwasher · 16/01/2019 00:09

Sorry you are so stressed x I wouldn’t worry about what your sister is doing tho, the venue/trimmings etc do not make the day better. These things seem really important when you plan a wedding, but when it comes to it, on the day you will be swept along and it will be your hubby, and your nearest and dearest around you that makes the occasion what it is. Try and enjoy your day, make the most of being the centre of it (even if it’s not your natural preference) and have fun celebrating.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 16/01/2019 00:09

I get it. My OH and I have to work things round the kids, they're not his but he's very gentle and loving with them. I think there's similarities with your situation because it's about the what ifs and if onlys. You could renew your vows one day, I'm a place you'd have liked to be.

sailorcherries · 16/01/2019 00:11

Cosmic this is how I'm feeling. I want my beautiful cliff top and kids. I don't want this circus and the closer it gets I don't want to hear about other people getting what they want. Again, as selfish and pathetic as that sounds.

OP posts:
leftovercoffeecake · 16/01/2019 00:14

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, op. You've got 90 days to go so it's not like you can really change anything, so you might as well roll with it! I know it's hard, and easier said than done, but try and see the positives. If you think about how awful it's going to be, it will be harder to enjoy yourself and then it might put you in a bad mood on your big day.

And you never know, since your expectations are quite low, your day could surprise you!

sailorcherries · 16/01/2019 00:16

Haha I like your thinking leftover.

It's probably more than the wedding, nothing is going quite right at the moment and this is the icing on top of the cake (as horrific as that pun is).

OP posts:
Peepingsnowdrops · 16/01/2019 00:17

Our wedding really wasn't what o planned in my head but what people expect. People pleasing.

But you have children already and live together so really it is great not to have a huge debt. Circumstances don't really allow. But maybe in time you might go abroad and have a renewal etc. I am hoping to do this.

GlitterStick · 16/01/2019 00:18

I don't get this. It's the marriage that's important, not the trimmings of one day?
You wanted your family and your Grandma there as you're presumably close to want to do that in the first place.
So why hark back to what you envisioned as a childhood dream? When you're a child you have no idea what your grown up circumstances will be.
Doesn't mean you can like them any less when you get there. Just adjust your expectations.
Can still have a fancy do.

user1473878824 · 16/01/2019 00:19

Oh dude you poor thing. YANBU! I don’t have any suggestions though because it sounds all a bit set in stone. Do you reckon that post this you save a bit like you were saving for the wedding, then dump the kids with your sister for a bit and have the most amazing honeymoon that’s exactly what you wanted? You ARE allowed to feel upset and none of it is pathetic at all.

MarthasGinYard · 16/01/2019 00:21

You have dc and already live together and your Parents are paying.

Wow

I'd start to look forward to it and be extremely grateful for what you have.

Maybe others earn more, no kids etc more disposable cash.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 16/01/2019 00:21

After it's all done and dusted, maybe take future DH and the kids for a weekend, book a celebrant and have the ceremony that matters to you and that you can look forward to.

sailorcherries · 16/01/2019 00:21

GlitterStick I didn't have dreams of a wedding as a child. When I got engaged I wanted a, b and c but I now have X, y and z.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 16/01/2019 00:23

Martha I am extremely grateful for all I have and cannot wait to marry DP. I'm upset at the fact I've allowed myself to be swept up in nonsense and deviate from what I wanted.

OP posts:
GlitterStick · 16/01/2019 00:26

when I got engaged I wanted a b and c but now have x y and z

Yes, but clearly not happy about it otherwise you wouldn't have started a MN AIBU to dread my wedding thread.

Finfintytint · 16/01/2019 00:27

It will be YOUR wedding whatever the backstory. Make it personal regardless of expectations. It can be a fab day and one to chrerish or you can harbour numerous resentments.
The choice is yours. Open yourself up to having a really good party and celebration of your love and commitment to someone you love regardless of location ( that doesn't matter-you could commit to each other on the hard shoulder of the M6 and it would still have meaning).

Enjoy your wedding OP. Been married 30 years and the wedding event is just a memory of a fucking great party and not indicative of the marriage that was to come at all.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 16/01/2019 00:29

A large part of you being able to be happy is acceptance of the situation as it is , and gratitude for what you have.

I know that sounds harsh but it really is that simple.

DippyAvocado · 16/01/2019 00:34

Remember, it's the marriage that counts more than the wedding. You're grandmother will be so thrilled to be there. Are there any of the practical bits you can delegate to cut back on stress, eg decorations etc? I would start by not worrying about writing vows and just using the standard ones!

moredoll · 16/01/2019 00:34

You did it partly for your grandmother and that as good a reason as there is for pleasing other people. I'm sure you won't regret that when you look back in 5 years time. A naice golf club sounds like it could be good fun. You're sure of your husband, and the marriage is what matters. I'm think it's just wedding nerves kicking in. Don't stress about your sister. How good or bad her wedding is doesn't really have anything to do with yours. Have a lovely day.

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sailorcherries · 16/01/2019 00:36

We're having a humanist ceremony, there aren't many standard vows. That bit at least will be what I want and what's important.

If only not harsh but true, I am eternally grateful for everyone who has helped us and contributed to our day. I've not quite accepted that it isn't what I really wanted.

OP posts:
DippyAvocado · 16/01/2019 00:38

Ah, I see. If that's the important bit to you, focus on tht.

FlyingMonkeys · 16/01/2019 00:43

Is there a lovely historic building, cathedral, Abbey near by that you could potentially pop to quickly for a few photo ops? Not quite the same as a ceremony there but I know of people who've done similar.

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