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to be rather concerned about my nephew

(74 Posts)
Corkleg Sun 13-Jan-19 01:49:05

He’s 8. We are visiting his family, staying in a hotel (and I’m up because the minibar is making a noiseangry) and we all went to a family party today. Nephew knew everyone there, his mum was there and he was very tricky. Pushing ahead of everyone, shouting, sulking when he couldn’t get his own way, interrupting the entertainer, and all in a very loud voice. His mum just lets him get on with it and had disappeared to talk to other relatives. I was chatting to his mum later and she mentioned he had been tested for something or other as he keeps getting into trouble at school but whoever it was said he was fine so that’s that. And yet it seemed obvious that there IS something going on. Another cousin has a child in the same class and said he’s very loud, interrupts the teacher all the time and is very bossy with the other kids.

All of this is none of my business except my (rather tipsy) brother confided in me that he’s worried that his boy just gets on everyone’s nerves and seems to have no idea, and what did I think. I said I did think there was something but I didn’t know what (and that I’m sure he’ll be fine, lovely boy, reassurance etc etc)
But what does behaviour like that generally point to?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Sun 13-Jan-19 01:54:32

8 year olds are quite tricky at times I find. They’re at that age where they want a bit more autonomy and independence but are t ready for it, plus they’re in juniors now and feel all grown up and like they know it all!

He sounds completely obnoxious, the worry from me would be that this is because he’s not being disciplined or steered very well at home rather than anything else.

I have two almost ten year olds and a seven year old, all boys, and while they wouldn’t get away with this behaviour they’ve all displayed some level of obnoxious belligerent behaviour similar at some point! Quite often a sharp ‘stop showing off’ stops it (like it did me at that age!) but then mine know that any stropping about and tantrumming will have a consequence.

Boysandbuses Sun 13-Jan-19 01:57:45

Honestly, do you think it's points to something he needs to be tested for.....Or the fact that you think your sil let's him do what he wants?

Because quite honestly, I don't why your brother is moaning about worrying people don't like his son......But also isn't trying to manage his behaviour. This isn't all on sil.

Though it does sound like him not being taught manners.

My son has SN, I would still step and manage his behaviour, but so would his dad.

Corkleg Sun 13-Jan-19 02:02:10

That’s true, all kids play up sometimes, I know. I think what struck me as different with my nephew is that he didn’t seem to care what anyone else thought. He wasn’t told off as such but he had plenty of feedback from everyone around that I think most children would have picked up on. My Dad spoke to him sharply a couple of times and so did some older cousins, along the lines of “wait your turn, it’s not your turn, that’s not your food, stop shouting” etc and the other children near by straightaway pulled themselves together but he carried on. That was the difference.

My own kids are more than capable of showing off and being pests but they also do care about other people and don’t like upsetting anyone. Nephew, to quote another brother, “doesn’t give a shite.”

Corkleg Sun 13-Jan-19 02:05:36

Boysandbuses honestly I do t know. School were concerned enough to seek outside help. My brother is very hands on with him when he’s there as is SIL but they both work opposite shifts so his other granny picks up the childcare slack. He’s an only child and only grandchild on that side.

He was just so so loud and obnoxious that it seemed like there must be definitive reason. And yes, SN or not, his parents should have stepped in.

cariadlet Sun 13-Jan-19 02:24:38

He was just so so loud and obnoxious that it seemed like there must be definitive reason
But what does behaviour like that generally point to?

Could just be a mixture of slack parenting and you nephew's natural personality. I don't see anything in your posts that suggests a diagnosable condition. After all, plenty of adults are loud, self-centered and obnoxious - when we come across people like that we don't tend to assume that there must be some kind of SN to explain their behaviour.

FuckingYuleLog Sun 13-Jan-19 03:17:01

Is your brother the child’s father? If so why wasn’t he correcting his behaviour?

Petalflowers Sun 13-Jan-19 03:49:31

The definite reason could simply be lack of discipline and an entitled child who is used to getting his own way.

kateandme Sun 13-Jan-19 03:56:17

i think you see your children as able to be considerate though because you have been?im not having a go but do you see what I mean.so you've brought up your child and they have inprnted and learnt how to be "good " from you.
where as from what you mention it sound like his mum/dad just leave him to it.so he will no no boundaries or see and then look up to others,be told off,be told about social etiquette etc.
so could it just be they don't parent him.

Justagirlwholovesaboy Sun 13-Jan-19 04:12:21

It could mean anything or nothing. My brother and SIL are amazing people but pretty crap when it comes to any form of discipline. They are very loving parents just a bit too chilled. Turned out there was nothing wrong with him a other than being hyperactive, just with their approach to him. They all took counselling and a year later the difference is amazing. He could have been labelled with a disorder if they hadn’t

ApplestheHare Sun 13-Jan-19 05:19:42

I don't think you can judge based on experience at a family party. There may well be school issues as well, but that's just hearsay. Lots of kids will be over excited/ anxious in a party situation and appear to act up or lose their ability to listen.

As for him mum not acting, it can be really hard to discipline children in that sort of environment. Sometimes making a big deal out of it will push a child over the edge. Leaving the party with him probably would have been best, but then I'm sure she'd have been criticised for being antisocial herself confused

Corkleg Sun 20-Jan-19 00:00:29

I saw that branch of the family again, this time up here at our place, and now that I’ve watched DN closely, it simply appears that my other brother is right, he doesn’t give a shite.
What was far worse though, was SIL was there, and let him behave appallingly. Stunningly bad. Throwing food, standing on chairs, shouting over people, and generally behaving as through everyone and everything else was simply for his entertainment. A couple of times she shushed him gently and he took no notice at all. Another attendee who didn’t know that he’s my nephew, saw what was going on and said “why would you let your child do that?” SIL could see all of it and didn’t seem to think there was a problem and that her little darling was simply being entertaining. I’ve had my Dad on the phone tonight about it. He’s spoken to my brother who says that SIL is now embarrassed, and hadn’t thought anyone was really that bothered.
Last weekend my brother was making noises about the whole family getting a cottage together with all the kids etc for my Dad’s 70th. shockNo bloody way.

FuckingYuleLog Sun 20-Jan-19 00:19:30

If he was in your house then I’d have told him off myself about things like throwing food 😳

Corkleg Sun 20-Jan-19 00:34:08

No it wasn’t our house. He was spoken to by other adults there about it but with his mother being on hand, I think no one wanted to step in, we were looking at her waiting, and she did nothing. I think this kind of behaviour must be ok for them. confused

Jackyjill6 Sun 20-Jan-19 00:41:15

It doesn't sound like he has any control of this behaviour, if he is doing this at school, home and social occasions.

Jackyjill6 Sun 20-Jan-19 00:44:59

And schools don't seek outside help lightly

MotherDearest123 Sun 20-Jan-19 00:49:33

ADHD possibly ??

jessstan2 Sun 20-Jan-19 01:04:33

I think you have to remember the boy is only 8 and lots of kids behave badly and annoyingly at that age (I'm sure I did!), you notice it more because he is your nephew but probably wouldn't have taken much notice had he been a stranger.

He'll outgrow it. When puberty hits he'll become monosyllabic, glued to his phone and computer and won't want to get out of bed in the morning.

onlyk Sun 20-Jan-19 01:13:02

As mentioned in other posts.

If your SIL & DB do not tell him off and follow up with appropriate punishments (I.e. sent to room, no xbox for a week, no iPad etc) then he’s going to do what ever he wants as there’s no consequences. It also explains his lack concern/respect for other adults when he’s asked to behave.

He’s 8 years old it’s time to be honest with your DB so the cottage for your dads 70th birthday be honest great idea but nobody wants to do it due to your sons poor behaviour. Ignoring the problem won’t make it better.

BejamNostalgia Sun 20-Jan-19 01:21:09

I agree with onlyk, tell them why you’re not getting a cottage. They need a prompt to deal with this. I

I feel very sorry for DN that his Dad is saying things like that, that there is something ‘wrong’ with his son himself, apparently without considering that poor parenting is the root of the problem. It sounds like both his parents are letting him down.

Gina2012 Sun 20-Jan-19 01:27:01

If SIL doesn't discipline the child, why doesn't your brother do the disciplining ?

Snowyberry Sun 20-Jan-19 01:43:50

I was about to ask the same as Gina2012

Klopptimist Sun 20-Jan-19 01:48:21

Yes, the parents do need to be told in a full and frank manner. If this isn't dealt with now, this boy could find himself in serious trouble in a few years time.

justilou1 Sun 20-Jan-19 02:02:23

Yep - definitely time to let them know that he's not a baby anymore. School have mentioned it, nobody wants to go on holidays with them. Can you imagine poor GF coping hanging out with the monster? Nope. He sounds like one of the kids from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

differentnameforthis Sun 20-Jan-19 02:26:20

And schools don't seek outside help lightly Exactly! They won't seek outside help for behaviour unless they suspect something is driving that behaviour.

I also wonder why you point to your SIL as doing nothing, when your brother is also his parent and is doing nothing.

He was just so so loud and obnoxious Regardless of SN or not, this is a parenting issue, not a child issue. He is acting as he is because he has no boundaries, and no one guiding him. Please do not let your extended family demonise this child, when his parents lack of action is letting him do what he is doing. He is 8, and hasn't been taught any better. And yes, my dd has special needs, and I work hard to make sure she knows that it is not an excuse for bad behaviour. She would never be allowed to get away with of this, and because I have worked hard, she woldn't even try!

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