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to feel so worthless? AIBU to ask what your ex said to you when you split

(71 Posts)
airelle Sat 12-Jan-19 20:28:16

I was with ex-DP for 3 years. All was going well until he lost his job and hit the bottle. He finished things with me after waking me up at 3am when he came home steaming. He looked me dead in the eye and said "you'd do anything for me but I wouldn't do anything for you". He packed me a bag and told me to get out - I had to sleep in the car until the morning. He then said he didn't want to talk about it.

Then he said something which keeps ringing in my head: "airelle, I would have cheated on you by now if the sex wasn't so good" sad

my friends can't seem to understand why that's so bad. I suppose it's because it makes me feel like an object who fulfilled a need for him but who he had no respect for.

This was 18 months ago now, AIBU to still feel worthless?

What's the worst thing your ex has said to you and how did you get overit?

SeaViewBliss Sat 12-Jan-19 20:31:02

That is shit and he is an arsehole.

Sorry you went through that and I totally understand why that was so awful to hear.

Nothing as bad but when I was younger and ex admitted he went out with me to get to know my friend who he fancied. She went out with him as soon as we broke up. She was no longer my friendangry

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 12-Jan-19 20:32:46

OP, what he said only proved that he’s worthless.

Who gives a shit what a cruel, hateful drunkard says when he specifically wants to hurt someone? He said it becuase he feels like nothing and wanted to break you down too.

Let it go. He does not matter. I understand why it still haunts you but the fact is that it was just the cruel spewings of an angry insecure dickhead. Do not allow that shit to get to you for a moment longer.

You define your self worth. Come on now. Onwards. You are so much better off.

SillyMoomin Sat 12-Jan-19 20:33:09

Mine told me I was too nice. Apparently I never made him try to hard to keep me, as I was always doing nice things for him and looking after him

W@nker angry

Paddingtonthebear Sat 12-Jan-19 20:33:12

He “couldn’t think of any reasons to break up with me but he couldn’t think of any reasons to stay with me either”

hmm

Paddingtonthebear Sat 12-Jan-19 20:35:14

The one before that didn’t tell me we were over. I found out when I went to his house as a surprise and found him there with another girl.

Flyingfish2019 Sat 12-Jan-19 20:35:52

AtrociousCircumstance is right. Who cares what a person like him has to say. You are better off without him.

MrsTommyBanks Sat 12-Jan-19 20:40:17

'Go and lay on your back for them. It's all you're good for.'

That was after I asked him for money for nappies for our youngest.

He was a fucking arsehole. I've been far happier without him, than I ever was with him.
And you will be too flowers

Greensleeves Sat 12-Jan-19 20:43:14

I had one who said I was "too complicated for him".

AFAIK he's still in the same chair I left him in, scratching ihis bollocks and watching football while eating microwave pasta out of a plastic bowl. Such a great loss.

notsorighteousthesedays Sat 12-Jan-19 20:44:43

After 35 years mine just didn't come home - he had gone to live with another woman without a word of explanation to me or our 3 teenage kids.

Now he wants to hang out with them as if nothing has happened.

I can't process it at all. It is completely doing my head in so I understand exactly where you are coming from.

I hope it gets easier but I don't think there is anything but time that helps you heal. Be kind to yourself.

MoreNougatThanCougar Sat 12-Jan-19 20:48:16

Mine told me if he stayed with me he'd be miserable for the rest of his life.

That it had suited me for him to be mentally ill and I'd held him back from recovery.

And that he wanted to live his own life and make his own decisions.

Cunt [angry

(PS I'm still raging can you tell but rationally I know it's not helpful to dwell on the last moments of a relationship. He stayed for the time he did because it worked for him too. Don't let him convince you otherwise)

Sunkissedbeachdream Sat 12-Jan-19 20:49:19

After starting to become physically violent, at which point I decided to end the relationship, my ex told me "you make men want to hit you", and also, "when I find out some other man you end up with has smacked you one, I'll shake his hand"

Writing this has bought the memories of him back. Bastard. Thank fuck he's not my nightmare anymore!

LifeofClimb Sat 12-Jan-19 20:50:24

That it doesn’t matter how beautiful I am, men just get bored, and he was bored. 🙄

Arsehole. He was the vain one anyway. I also don’t think that all men are like that! I never thought of myself as a “dolly” until that stupid comment. I thought the relationship was a lot deeper than looks. How wrong was I?

Mumof1DS Sat 12-Jan-19 20:51:55

Everything under the sun. Sl*g, sl*t, wh*re, that I'd never find anyone etc etc. By then I was happy to be on my own if it meant not being with him. Oh and that he'd kill me. Many other things that just fade into insignificance now.
My life has been on the uppers since I left him. Literally the best decision I ever made.

LifeofClimb Sat 12-Jan-19 20:52:10

Jesus christ, some of the men mentioned on here were real turds. Sorry you lot all got involved with them.
My ex was an arse but he definitely wasn’t that bad!

WhirlieGigg Sat 12-Jan-19 20:55:49

One guy texted me that his car broke down so he couldn’t make our date. Then ignored my calls for ever after. When I bumped into him six weeks later he said one word: Sorry. I never got an explanation. Twat.

airelle Sat 12-Jan-19 20:56:07

flowers to you all - I don't understand how vile some people can be. You're all very brave ladies.

I often go into "deep moods" where its all I think about. Now I've started this thread I remember he said "if you stay with me I'll hit you" and "are you sure you were raped, you're quite a dramatic person - you're making me doubt it now" (after I told him to stop trying to have sex with me when I was drunk and being sick).

Feels like we all have to deal with THEIR shit they project onto us. I still haven't had the confidence to date after this.

OutPinked Sat 12-Jan-19 20:59:40

I dated an abusive cunt for a while. A few of his insults were: ‘your face is your only redeeming feature’ and ‘you’re just more channel 4 and I’m BBC four’ hmm.

He was an arsehole, I was relieved to be rid of him and you will eventually feel the same. You don’t need a wank stain like that.

WillYouDoTheFandango Sat 12-Jan-19 21:06:57

That he didn’t fancy me anymore because I was just DS’s mum now.

Lovely.

adultchildalcoholicparents Sat 12-Jan-19 21:24:47

I didn't feel worthless. I did feel betrayed, angry, and then filled with contempt than he would even attempt to run this line.

Of OW:

"She's just as attractive as you are, but in a different way."

Oddly enough, 3 days later, we had a dinner to attend with people who'd been on the same residential event where this had happened. And there they were, passing around photographs, with OW featuring prominently.

Who knew his taste at the time was for someone 20 years older than him and > x2.5 my bodyweight.

He said nothing. On the way home, "How dare you!" just exploded out of me. He pulled over and started shaking. He had no idea what to say because, No. Just No. He ended up saying that he knew what he'd said and when he saw the photographs he was between freezing and disbelief as he almost didn't recognise her from his own description.

A vortex of catastrophe of the first order who was trying to set him up to be caught in her room with her. All with his unbelievably stupid collusion.

EarringsandLipstick Sat 12-Jan-19 21:33:32

‘Nobody likes you. I mean, just think about it: nobody wants to spend time with you, do they? Even your family can’t stand you’

And he’d proceed to twist & turn everything so it seemed possible, and by the end I was so broken, I believed him & would stand stricken as he took me apart.

Meanwhile he spent wildly, left me to work full time & take care of 3 v small children, drank & generally acted like a carefree 20-something year old.

I made every excuse & tolerated it for so long.

I’m still broken from what he did.

Bluntness100 Sat 12-Jan-19 21:39:42

Op, feeling worthless would indicate low self esteem. To contextualise if someone said that to me, I'd think wanker and have him out, I wouldn't think I was the worthless one. I'd think he was and I'd dodged a bullet. Which is what is true for you.

Have you sought counselling?

Some of the things men have said is horrid on here.

SleepVampireVictim Sat 12-Jan-19 21:48:06

"I'll get rid of them tomorrow if you agreed to take me back"

^^This was a message to his ex that he had split from 7 years previously about me and our 3 month old daughter.

We lived abroad at the time and I could not get a passport for DD quick enough to get away from him. We had to live together for 6 weeks before I could leave, during which time he told me I was not allowed to use the car (it was the height of summer and a 3 mile walk into town), he hated me and I was accused of sleeping with all and sundry.

I'm mostly much happier now, however he also came back to the UK (lives extremely close) and manages to find ways to get at me without me being able to prove it was him.

longvodkalover10 Sat 12-Jan-19 21:56:00

an ex of mine broke up with me via facebook message, the sentence that sticks in my mind was the last one, where he said

"lets face it, who could love you with a heinous body like yours"

i know im not the most attractive, after having my DS i have stretchmarks, cellulite and not as thin as i was, took everything i had to be naked in front of him, which he knew about, so for him to use that to really stick the knife in still affects me in a way.

airelle Sat 12-Jan-19 22:12:34

@Bluntness100

I have experienced sexual assault so I think the comment really stuck in my mind - if he'd have said I was ugly or a loser it would have had less weight (as somewhere deep down I know I am not) - if that makes sense.

I do have a high sex drive as well and it made me feel even more ashamed.

Reading the rest of these replies is hard flowers

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