AIBU? MIL driving me nuts!

[OxeyeDaisy]

Sorry I know these posts pop up all of the time (at least posted on here saves me digging up the patio to hide the body later)

So I have been with my OH a long time and over the years she has driven me nuts and there have been points where we haven’t spoken for ages.

It’s OH birthday soon and today she has asked me if he would like a book for his birthday? To which I have replied I doubt it. OH doest read and would have no interest in it. and it would just collect dust and eventually piss me off and end up in the charity shop.

Then she changes tone and says that’s she is getting him one to and starts an argument about it because she doesn’t like the answer given.

This is a common occurrence with her that she doesn’t listen to what your saying and does what she wants anyway or then claims that the conversation hasn’t happened.

Would I be a complete CF to tell her that all the gift sets we get given for birthday and Xmas go to a food bank and all the other shit they buy goes straight to the charity shop!

I always ask for vouchers for us usually because they don’t cause clutter again this falls on deaf ears!

Short of burying her under the patio how do I get her to stop and listen?

[Aprilshowerswontbelong]

Send her the address of a charity shop and tell her to send it direct...

[Apileofballyhoo]

Don't bother. Just accept she doesn't care enough about her son to get him a gift he'd like.

[Aquamarine1029]

You can't control her, you can only control your own reactions. Just let her buy the damn book. Honestly, why do you even care? You KNOW what she's like and you know she's going to do what she wants anyway, regardless of what you say. Just let it go and bin the book the day after the party.

[Momasita]

It's not nice she doesn't listen and will get him gift he doesn't want but... I'm intrigued how one book in the house would affect you!

[Momasita]

Op agree with others let her buy the book and then if dh doesn't actually want it take pleasure in taking it to the charity shop.

We get asked what dc would like but it's more a technique to show us they don't care what we say or what they think.. Because they over ride us anyway....

So we end up charity shopping lots of stuff.

[Billballbaggins]

You can’t get her to stop and listen, unfortunately. You can only control your own emotions and responses. ‘Shall I get OH a book for his birthday? ‘A voucher for something would be more useful, he doesn’t ever read’ ‘No, I’m going to get him a book’ ‘OK’ and just, as Elsa says, let it go.
If she contradicts you a lot or likes an argument don’t give her any ammunition.

[pictish]

“Would I be a complete CF to tell her that all the gift sets we get given for birthday and Xmas go to a food bank and all the other shit they buy goes straight to the charity shop! ”

Well yes of course you would. That would be a horrible thing to do.
I understand she buys crappy gifts that totally miss the mark but you’re both grown ups and needn’t have a tantrum about it. Why would you want to shred her over this?

[HildaZelda]

When you're burying her under the patio could you dig a big hole please?
I'd like to put my MIL in there too

[Witchofzog]

I am with Pictish. That would be nasty and hurtful

[Frillyfarmer]

Well, sensibly you should have responded: "No, he doesn't read books unfortunately so that would be a wasted gift. I know he would like XXX or enjoy XXX instead if you're struggling for ideas"

"I doubt it" reads as slightly sarcastic and fucking unhelpful.

[JamPasty]

Try to just think of it as her buying gifts for the food bank and charity shop. It's a bit of an arse that you have to deliver them, but at least the charities benefit :)

[CardsforKittens]

It sounds like there's no point trying to get her to listen. Surely your OH is used to her approach to presents, so just roll your eyes and let her get on with it. If you think she's deliberately trying to be hurtful with her choice of presents, that's all the more reason to avoid a confrontation. Don't give her the satisfaction.

[Ragaroo]

MILs are this way naturally. Best thing to do; don't respond, minimal answers. You can never win so don't try. Enjoy as little contact as possible.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

At least a book is fairly small and if she asks where it is you can say he took it to work.
It sounds like she won't listen so just say "Whatever you think is best"

Does she ever ask about previous gifts? If you liked them?

[FuzzyCustard]

Why doesn't she ask him what he'd like? Perhaps you could raise this with her...
MIL: Would DH like a book for his birthday?
You: I don't know - why don't you ask him?

End of your involvement. No patio digging needed.

[Stardustinmyeyes]

Ragaroo
Not all Mils are like that.
Op as pp have said, don't bother trying to change her behaviour. It will never work.
Just enjoy the feeling of satisfaction when you take the book to the charity shop

[AwdBovril]

I joked to DH the other day that we should ask MIL for them to rent us a storage unit for our christmas present next year, so that we have somewhere to store all the junk they keep buying for DD. Alternatively, they could accept that most of it goes to the charity shop as we have no room for it. They bought her approximately 40 books for Christmas, a build-a-bear plus a massive load of clothes, & various plastic tat. She regularly comes home from a weekend stay at their house with new toys etc. We've put our foot down with DD, & said that any new toys are to stay over their house or they will be charity shopped.

We gave up, years ago, expecting anything thoughtful from them at Christmas. DH got the same book from them 3 Christmases running, once!

[MrHaroldFry]

I have a blue IKEA bag in an otherwise unused cupboard. I put into it any gifts our family receive but won't use. When it is full/nearly full, we take it to the charity shop. My children like to know they are helping others, that nothing goes to waste and, that we are not hurting anyone's feelings by indicating we don't really like things given to use from wonderful people.
You have mentioned the book is not the best choice. She doesn't want your answer and will buy it anyway. That is her choice. If your husband doesn't like the book, give it to someone who will enjoy it. No harm done to anyone.

[Moussemoose]

When you get a present you smile and say "thank you".

That's it.

[lola006]

My MIL does the same. Asks for suggestions for DH’s bday, I give her decent ones and then she looks at me like I’m mad and suggests something he won’t want and then gets mad well I say he doesn’t read/sew/play card games/whatever and does what she wants anyway.

Some of the stuff he’s gotten is just ridiculous. But he just smiles, says thanks and off it goes to the charity shop or kids school as a Tombola prize.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

MILs are this way naturally

Sweeping statement right there.

[pigsDOfly]

A book?

What does that mean? Does this book have a title? Is it just any old book or a particular book? A green book? A blue book? Just a random book?

Did you ask her what book she was thinking of buying her non reader son?

That's quite bizarre if it's just a 'book' and given that he doesn't like to read it's even more bizarre?

[ENormaSnob]

I can asure you that not all mils are like this.

Mine is fabulous.

[MepsiPax]

Aprilshowerswontbelong. Send her the address of a charity shop and tell her to send it direct.... Yep,just cut out the middle man!

[AllMYSmellySocks]

I don't think it's worth getting upset about. Just say thanks and give it straight to the charity shop.