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SDD just got engaged. AIBU?

(79 Posts)
Genuinelyshocked012 Sat 12-Jan-19 00:09:25

Relatively new SDD. Have name changed for obvious reasons.

We have a good relationship, still getting to know each other but still quite close. Mother is not in the picture, I suppose I am the nearest thing to a mother figure that she has. She confides in me quite a lot.

She is 19 and at uni. Boyfriend is 20. They’ve just announced they are engaged.

They’ve met four months ago, been dating for three. He used to live near her uni but has moved an hour away, he drives to see her regularly. They manage the distance well.

He’s a nice guy, genuinely madly in love with her and SDD certainly seems madly in love with him.

They’ve had fights due to his family creating major issues and they made it through that, so I suppose you could say their relationship has been ‘tested.’

From what I gather, her boyfriend had a bit of an illustrious past but is now on the straight and narrow. This is all she has told me. Like I said, a lovely man. Will apparently do anything for her.

However, AIBU to be concerned by the fact she is engaged so young? Would IBU to talk to her about it?

Her dad/DH won’t say anything, but I’m so worried by her young age and the shortness of the relationship.

Or should I just mind my own business and accept that they’re young and in love and will do what they please?

FWIW, they don’t intend to set a date for at least a year. But they are entirely serious, she has a lovely ring and everything.

Also I don’t want to seem bitter- I’m delighted she has a nice boyfriend, but I think she’d be better off keeping him as just her boyfriend, for now!

Justmuddlingalong Sat 12-Jan-19 00:11:17

How new a SDD?

BanjoStarz Sat 12-Jan-19 00:12:09

They’ve been together 4 months?

And already had fights due to his family?

She should run for the hills whilst she still can.

PersonaNonGarter Sat 12-Jan-19 00:13:23

This is so far from your influence all you can do is be a good listener. Do not try to say or do anything. It is futile and will backfire.

Genuinelyshocked012 Sat 12-Jan-19 00:14:14

The fights due to his family where because his family are extremely religious and had an issue with her not being religious. So not fights between them as such, I mean more troubles, ie, her boyfriend being forced to choose between his family and her. He chose her.

Also from what I can gather she was just as much a fan of getting engaged- she hinted at it and here we are, one expensive ring later.

SDD of a year. But like I said, no mother figure so pretty close.

Genuinelyshocked012 Sat 12-Jan-19 00:16:23

According to DH she’s had boyfriends before but he has also never seen her like this- nor has she apparently ever loved anyone like this before.

I care about her extremely so and just don’t want this to go down in flames. I’m scared she’s going to tell all her friends at university tomorrow and then everyone knows. I just don’t want them to get hurt by putting too much pressure on themselves.

Singlenotsingle Sat 12-Jan-19 00:17:16

Hopefully they'll have a l-o-n-g engagement

Bambamber Sat 12-Jan-19 00:17:33

I wouldn't say anything bad about the situation, but just encourage her to take her time and offer her lots of love and support, and remind her that you don't need to be engaged or married to show each other how much you love each other

Genuinelyshocked012 Sat 12-Jan-19 00:18:10

Single not single- this is their intention. They want to see a date next year for after she finishes uni. So the actual marriage wouldn’t be for three years. But they’d still book stuff in a years time.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 12-Jan-19 00:18:26

Let them be. I got engaged at 18, a few months into Uni. DFiance was at Uni in Central England, I was in Northern England so weekends only. It didn'tast, I kept the ring.

So either it'll last or it won't and if it doesn't it'll hurt anyway. If you show you don't believe in their love it'll just be harder for her to come to you

Def recommend they live together for a year before setting a date so after Uni, that'll make it another 3 years??

Justmuddlingalong Sat 12-Jan-19 00:21:08

I would keep schtum. But be ready to support her and pick up the pieces should it all go wrong. Along with the help of DH obviously.

MissyCooper Sat 12-Jan-19 00:21:10

Why on earth wouldn’t her dad say anything?

Genuinelyshocked012 Sat 12-Jan-19 00:24:47

DH and her do not get on terribly well. They had an unrelated fight a few weeks ago and he doesn’t want to rock the boat again. She’s also just gone back to uni and if he did talk to her about it, he’ll do it in person. She rang us about five hours ago, I think he’s still processing it!

Disquieted1 Sat 12-Jan-19 00:30:24

Congratulate her on her engagement or she'll resent you. After that, keep your mouth firmly shut and your ears open if she ever wants to talk.

mimibunz Sat 12-Jan-19 00:35:51

Just let it sort itself out. It’s not for you to interfere. My niece got engaged very young to her first boyfriend. They recently broke up because she figured out that he wasn’t the right one for her and she wants to finish uni and have a career before marriage.

Spanielmadness Sat 12-Jan-19 00:37:20

I got married at 18. It was a silly thing to do. However, nothing and no one would have stopped me. It’s not the end of the world. We divorced before there was any joint house, savings, debts, children and it was no different to any other break up in that sense.

explodingkitten Sat 12-Jan-19 00:40:27

So the actual marriage wouldn’t be for three years. But they’d still book stuff in a years time.

Oh well, enough time to either grow up or break up. Just be happy for her, she'll resent you forever if you don't give your blessing and it won't change her mind about the relationship anyway.

Ribbonsonabox Sat 12-Jan-19 00:45:50

Be careful not to push her into doing it by expressing negative feelings about it. I'd try and keep my reaction minimal 'congratulations, you are quite young to marry but I can see you love one another and if this is what you really want then I am happy for you both!'
Odds are they are not going to be able to get the cash together for a wedding straight away and may be engaged some time.... I was engaged at that age... for a year and then we split up. Like pp have said at the time I was adamant that I was going to marry him and genuinely believed I'd never love another. There would have been nothing anyone could have said to deter me. And when people were against it it made it all the more intense and like I had to do it because it was me and him against the world.

So personally my reaction in this situation would be to try and react as little as possible and keep it all as casual as possible so that she has emotional space to go on her own journey with it. So that she wont feel pressured by peoples negativity or positivity to go through with it if she changes her mind over time.

I mean it may be that she does end up marrying him but as an adult that is her choice... I agree because they are so young it is probably a bad idea, but it's her life and her journey so I think the best you can do is trying to be supportive and neutral enough that she knows you've got her back whatever happens with it.

FortunesFave Sat 12-Jan-19 00:48:09

I got engaged at 19. I'd got bored by the time I was 20 and ended it. It's not unusual. Either way she's an adult and you can't do a thing about it.

Travisandthemonkey Sat 12-Jan-19 00:51:16

Like in any relationship between grown ups
It will either work out or it won’t
Your influence will have no impact.

sobeyondthehills Sat 12-Jan-19 01:02:27

TBF I got engaged within a few months, 8 years later and we still haven't got round to setting a date

bridgetreilly Sat 12-Jan-19 01:03:44

Definitely don't say anything now. She'll be on a huge high and not in any state to listen to your concerns. You have plenty of time over the next few years and your main goal now is just to make sure it's always easy for her to talk to you, so that if problems do arise you can be there.

But, you know what, she's planning to get married at 22/23? Not actually that young. Especially since by then they'll have been together 3 years. No need to panic.

Ngaio2 Sat 12-Jan-19 01:06:13

She won’t listen to you anyway, so why risk your relationship? That way she’ll feel freer to talk to you about any future doubts that may arise

Greensleeves Sat 12-Jan-19 01:06:33

I got engaged at 19, married at 22. Still together and very happy at 41 with two teenagers smile

Just be there and supportive, then if it all goes tits up she will have you to turn to.

Lovingbenidorm Sat 12-Jan-19 01:10:29

19yo and going out with him for 4 months 😳
Sadly, not really your place to tell her that this is totally ridiculous and the chances of it all going tits up is high.
As pp said let’s hope it’s a very looooooooong engagement. Maybe they just fancy a party?

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