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AIBU to think something is going on?

(79 Posts)
ArchiesMumm Fri 11-Jan-19 22:30:08

I'll try to keep it short and simple. I can't shift this horrible gut feeling that my partner is doing something behind my back.

Little background, we have an 11 month old son and I'm 6 months pregnant with our 2nd son. Happy relationship. Nothing major has happened that leads me to distrust him (a few niggles and irrelevant 3rd party stirring at the beginning), that's about it.

We were child free Saturday, so went out for a drink. I saw a friend in the pub, chatted for a few mins and off she went to the toilet. Another friend of mine that works on the bar followed her in and overheard her telling someone on the phone that she'd seen me, I'm so many months pregnant and that me and my partner 'seem to be happy'. I don't understand that comment as we've not been rocky (not to anyone's knowledge, anyway). We were last year in June for a week or two, but sorted it between us and that was that. He definitely wouldn't have spoken to her as he doesn't know her and they have no mutual friends due to age gap.

I asked what he thinks she meant by that. He said he doesn't know. He was a little shifty. I asked him if he had anything to admit to, he said 'no I have not', avoiding eye contact, acting shifty. He lied to me.i know when he lies to me, it's so obvious. He tells little white lies and it usually doesn't bother me, but when it's to do with being unfaithful or to do with another girl, I don't like it. I'm not usually a jealous person but he's done this quite a few times now, and is doing it more and more which is making me suspicious.

I've ignored all of this in the past because I've never had any concrete evidence, but he's lying more, and when confronted he is shifty, evasive, defensive, finds a way to blame me then is nasty and personal towards me. It only makes me think he's guilty even more.

So please AIBU to think somethings not right? It all sounds so pathetic and childish when I read it back, I feel so silly. is this just hormones? 😩

SpinneyHill Fri 11-Jan-19 22:34:37

I've ignored all of this in the past because I've never had any concrete evidence,

What does this mean? you say you were happy so what little white lies have you had to ignore because of no evidence?

I'd agree the 'seems happy' comment is odd though

Returnofthesmileybar Fri 11-Jan-19 22:37:25

If I were you I would call your friend. Just say I have a question to ask but before I do I am asking you to please be honest with me, surely she'll explain what she meant

ArchiesMumm Fri 11-Jan-19 22:46:06

*what little white lies have you had to ignore because of no evidence
*
One example, i started working on the bar where he is head chef (alternate shifts to him due to childcare, I only do 1-2 shifts a week as it's just for a bit of extra cash). I was added to a work group chat for all front of house staff. I knew most of them already but one I hadn't recognised so asked him who she was and he said he wasn't sure ( and quickly changed subject) which is odd as he's been there since the place opened. Find out he definitely does know who she is as she worked there in the summer and that they're Facebook friends. I don't understand why he would lie about something so stupid

Bandyknock Fri 11-Jan-19 22:50:01

Spider senses tingling.

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 11-Jan-19 22:55:18

Urgh. He’s guilty as fucking sin isn’t he?? It’s so obvious.

Strawbberrypineapple Fri 11-Jan-19 22:58:51

Look on the facebook page of the girl in question for any possible clues as to how far she lives from you etc? Read any msgs between them if possible? Make sure you delete the search history. Tread carefully and dont let him know yr suspicions otherwise he will be on his guard. Not at least until you are sure of something. It could just have been a crush from her side/ he may have confided in her and now feels embarrassed and said girl is asking about current situation and yr friend is saying that all is well between you. Hope that its something like that for yr sake.

ArchiesMumm Fri 11-Jan-19 22:59:44

Maxi that's what I'm afraid of, and there are other examples of it too, I just think because he is a good dad and isn't entirely useless around the house it's tainted my vision and I just ignore it. I'm so stupid

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 11-Jan-19 23:02:43

You’re not stupid. You’ve been burying your head in the sand because it’s a hard thing to face. Facing it means confronting him and having rows, deciding whether to believe his lies or not and whether to end your relationship. Those aren’t easy decisions to make. I know, I’ve been there. I can tell you that you’re bloke is following the cheaters script. I can also tell you that when I was with a cheater, my gut was never wrong. I also buried my head too.

chocolatecoveredraisons Fri 11-Jan-19 23:05:45

He's a serial cheat.

covetingthepreciousthings Fri 11-Jan-19 23:10:46

Another friend of mine that works on the bar followed her in and overheard her telling someone on the phone that she'd seen me, I'm so many months pregnant and that me and my partner 'seem to be happy'. I don't understand that comment as we've not been rocky (not to anyone's knowledge, anyway).

Re-reading the post, I wonder if the comment is something along the lines of them being surprised your 6 months pregnant when you have an 11mo, like "wonder if that was a surprise" then the friend in the toilet replying "they seem to be happy" ?

Just something that occurred to me reading it back to try gather an explanation.

ArchiesMumm Fri 11-Jan-19 23:13:49

What was the final straw for you leaving? And did you have children together? I feel stupid as I left my last relationship because he'd fallen in love with someone else and I've become a much stronger person since (even stronger since having DS) so told myself I'd never be with anyone like that, no matter the circumstances. And now I don't feel so strong anymore

ArchiesMumm Fri 11-Jan-19 23:16:56

I wonder if the comment is something along the lines of them being surprised your 6 months pregnant when you have an 11mo, like "wonder if that was a surprise"

Could be, I hadn't thought about it that way to be honest.

Singlenotsingle Fri 11-Jan-19 23:21:57

Don't jump to conclusions. You've got no evidence and a person's innocent until proven guilty.

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 11-Jan-19 23:22:39

What was the final straw for you leaving? And did you have children together?

Yes two children. The youngest was just turned a year when I asked him to leave. Final straw was that he had gotten drunk and treated me appallingly in front of friends the night before. We had kind of broken up a few weeks before and then gotten back together but I was just delaying the inevitable. I never trusted him and never would. He confirmed it all when he tried to engage in flirting/suggesting a shag when he was dating his now wife. He’s a cheat. It’s who he is. He’ll never change. He’s just not doing it to me anymore.

ArchiesMumm Fri 11-Jan-19 23:28:47

F*inal straw was that he had gotten drunk and treated me appallingly in front of friends the night before.*

Good for you for leaving, no one should have to take that. I really should practice what I preach 🤔

Donkdonkgoo Fri 11-Jan-19 23:32:53

Listen to your gut and gather evidence, does he go out a lot?

After my very long marriage ended (he had an affair) I've since heard hints from so called friends/aquantences and had that gut feeling as a result of reading facial impressions or reading more into what people have said or haven't said that makes me 100% sure he had had numerous daliences with others.

I'm now full time mum to our son, he floated off and living life to the full while I'm dealing with twatacus teenager on my own.... it's really had work but I feel more at peace with myself.
It's an awful situation OP when your gut is sooo sure but you just don't have proof or a confession. This is why you deserve to be told by those who don't know. At least you can make a decision based on facts then. 💐

ArchiesMumm Fri 11-Jan-19 23:43:59

Thank you, he doesn't go out often but has been going out more the last few months. I just assumed it was due to being holiday season/making more of an effort with friends. The more I think about what he's lied about and things I've found, the more it makes me think he is a cheat or the very least talks to other people.

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 11-Jan-19 23:45:52

*Good for you for leaving, no one should have to take that. I really should practice what I preach*🤔

What helped was that my friends had seen it and when I was leaving them home afterwards they were telling me I needed to end it and saying they were there for me. I’m not sure I would have had the courage to do it if I hadn’t had them saying “yes, that was appalling, you can’t stay with him” until then, no-one else had witnessed how he was. Them seeing it felt like I had “proof” he was awful and I could leave. It might help you if you talked through with trusted friends or family?

SpinneyHill Fri 11-Jan-19 23:48:52

It does seem shady but if you're last relationship ended with such an awful betrayal you may be looking for stories where there are none, but you may also be falling for the same sort of men.

I would say trust your gut with a little extra skeptism due to the ex and as you're pregnant , but it sounds like you've done the skepticism and turning a blind eye to death and your gut is still tingling

Start asking awkward questions of people, if you get nowhere you can write it off as hormones making you crazy.

I'd be suspicious too.

ArchiesMumm Fri 11-Jan-19 23:52:23

It might help you if you talked through with trusted friends or family?

I don't have that many friends that I would talk to about this, my best friend is 2 hrs away and feel like I bore her with my relationship problems when I do talk about him. I'm very close to my family, and when things were iffy between us in the summer I did reach out to them, but they all advised I stay so I did. I hate going to them about my relationship as I'd hate their vision of him to be tainted, I do agree though I need to speak to someone

Lbwestf123 Fri 11-Jan-19 23:54:18

How do you she wasn’t on the phone to a mutual friend or a family member?

It could be completely innocent and she’s just commented that your were pregnant to a friend and they’ve said ‘oh is she alright?’ ‘ yeah they seem happy?’

Seems very strange of you to go home and give your partner the third degree about something that could be perfectly innocent 😕

ArchiesMumm Sat 12-Jan-19 00:05:24

but you may also be falling for the same sort of men

If i was on the outside looking in I'd think the exact same but they are two completely different characters and people. Ex was very shy, didn't have a girlfriend before me which is why he fell in love with someone else - bored of me, wanted to experience something different. Current partner is polar opposite, couldn't be more different if they tried (not just on the factors stated).

I feel more aware because of what happened with my ex and I, but I don't think I'm particularly looking for something out of nothing... at least, I hope I'm not doing so subconsciously 😩😬😩

Lbwestf123 Sat 12-Jan-19 00:08:03

Sorry my comment probably comes across a little bit rude but...
If my boyfriend came home and said a friend heard another friend in the bathroom asking about him and if he looked happy. Do you have something to say?

I’d be very confused and very upset with the accusation x

ArchiesMumm Sat 12-Jan-19 00:12:58

Seems very strange of you to go home and give your partner the third degree about something that could be perfectly innocent 😕

I understand how it seems, to be honest when I questioned it, it was done so in a very non-serious manor, and then he lied to me, it's more about the fact he has lied to me yet again, and I'm getting sick of being lied to. I hadn't asked him these til last night, I hadn't thought about it to be honest, then I just suddenly remembered yesterday and asked him what he thought it meant

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