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To think this might be a deal breaker?

(21 Posts)
stambirk Fri 11-Jan-19 21:58:00

Newish partner. We've been having sex together exclusively for about 6 months now. He was previously married and never performed oral sex because she point blank refused to let him. Apparently her go to excuse was 'I have heavy discharge'. 
Anyway, she also never have him oral sex, claiming that she couldn't give a blow job to someone she loves.
The marriage ended because she cheated on him... lots. Including his discovery that she'd had sex with one of the teenage daughters friends. 
So understandably he has issues surrounding sex, which we're working through. I give him oral sex regularly, but he never returns the favour. I think he's actually scared! We've spoken about it lots and he tries to diffuse the situation with humour rather than actually taking the bull by the horns. Would this be a deal breaker for you? I'm not sure.

He's otherwise very loving, trying hard to work through his issues, great with my children (yes, shock horror! They've met already!) and generally fantastic. So caring and appreciative of me, my opinions, identity etc.

christmasfoof Fri 11-Jan-19 22:08:40

Yes. If not for the prospect of no oral ever again, his lack of ability to have a proper discussion about it would worry me.

redexpat Fri 11-Jan-19 22:10:39

It doesnt really matter if its a deal breaker for us - youre the one in the relationship with him. Is it a deal breaker for you?

RatLady Fri 11-Jan-19 22:18:29

Depends how important receiving oral is for you. Wouldn't be a deal breaker for me at all. I refused to allow my DH to give me oral until we were together for 2 years due to my own insecurities and past sexual history. These things take time so I'm not sure 6 months is a fair time period to assess whether to break up over this or not - he may change his mind. But I highly doubt that bringing up the issue repeatedly will swing his mind - let him take it in his own time as he clearly knows that you want it by now.

To me it seems like a trivial matter (if you have an otherwise happy relationship and great sex life minus the oral). Ultimately it's up to to you but I wouldn't break up with someone over this..

Chickychoccyegg Fri 11-Jan-19 22:19:54

it woudn't be a deal breaker for me, but i could live without it, I also rarely return the favour, depends if it's a deal breaker or not for you though

GloomyMonday Fri 11-Jan-19 22:22:45

It wouldn't bother me at all. But someone pestering me to perform oral sex before I was ready to would put me off.

Returnofthesmileybar Fri 11-Jan-19 22:25:57

Nope it wouldn't bother me at all but it clearly bothers you so that's different. That said he isn't wrong to not give it if he doesn't want to either

Cupcakecafe Fri 11-Jan-19 22:26:59

Personally it wouldn't be an issue for me as I don't particularly enjoy oral sex, however if it's an issue for you then you need to think about it. Would you be happy never receiving oral again if he didn't change his mind?

Lemoneeza Fri 11-Jan-19 22:28:08

Not for me because it does nothing for me. But if it's important for you then think on.

whatamidoingwithmylife Fri 11-Jan-19 22:31:24

Your post made me realise my partner has NEVER gone down on me - not even attempted to in the 10mths we've been together 😳

stambirk Sat 12-Jan-19 00:18:32

I've never been in a relationship where I didn't receive oral sex and I miss it enormously. Without meaning to be crude I miss the feeling of being completely wet and ready before he slides inside. It's shit that he won't do it... but I don't know if I NEED it or not. Maybe I'm being a princess about the whole thing. My mother never enjoyed sex or was indulged in thus sort of thing!

redastherose Sat 12-Jan-19 00:56:48

If it's important to you then it's important that he know you want it and would like him to try it. Presumably he enjoys you giving him oral? I know I wouldn't be happy about never having oral sex again. I think it's the way most women can come most frequently with a partner.

MiggledyHiggins Sat 12-Jan-19 01:06:07

He's telling you that his ex gave him issues regarding oral on partners but my guess is that's bollocks. He just can't be arsed to go down on a woman and is blaming it on his ex.

Personally I think it's grossly unfair and selfish to be happy to receive oral if you have no intention of reciprocating. So I think he's a dickhead.

Buntybearbess Sat 12-Jan-19 01:08:44

If it's important to you, then he should work at trying it, but if he can't then you can't force him or the issue. If you can't work through it then it'll be a dealbreaker.

showmeshoyu Sat 12-Jan-19 01:15:58

Frankly, it's better to call it quits on a partner if you're incompatible this early on as this is sex 101, not dogging in Chester Zoo dressed as squirrels as Anthony Worrel Thompson uses a creme brulee blowtorch on your nipples.

ReanimatedSGB Sat 12-Jan-19 01:16:06

It's OK for him not to like it and not to want to do it: no one should ever feel like they have to do sex things that they don't enjoy.
But it's also OK for you to decide that the relationship isn't working for you and to send him on his way. There's nothing wrong with binning a 'nice' partner if your sex life with that person is not satisfactory.

showmeshoyu Sat 12-Jan-19 01:21:20

There's nothing wrong with binning a 'nice' partner if your sex life with that person is not satisfactory

This... before you get entangled emotionally and financially, then possibly angry and bitter.

bert3400 Sat 12-Jan-19 01:26:55

He might just need a bit more time . My DH took about 18 months into the relationship to try it , due to never having done it before. Now all I ever see is the top of his head blush. If this guy is worth your patience then wait ...but don't pressure him.

Vehivle Sat 12-Jan-19 01:35:49

To be honest - maybe I'm petty- but i would just cease giving him oral until he gave me some back! As pp said - it isn't fair. I get that he has history and so forcing/pestering him obviously shouldn't be done. But for fairness I would just take oral off the table entirely.

If he then tries to get you to give him oral, I would use that as an opportunity to discuss the importance of oral to you and how it makes you really enjoy sex ect. A good man and keeper should be capable of at least talking about it and expressing to you if it really is something he fears and why he fears it (because maybe it's because I'm a woman - but there is nothing scary about vaginas. If he's sexually excited sticking his dick and fingers in it, I'd be curious as to why he is so opposed to essentially kissing it). I really dislike giving oral / blow jobs. It's boring to me, gives me jaw ache and occasionally gross when it smells of pee. But I still bloody do it as I know my partner loves it. Just like when he sits and massages my back and head for hours which I'm sure he finds boring but I love. It's reciprocal effort making for the other person. So I'm finding it hard to understand why a past lover denying him giving or receiving oral within their relationship and then cheating on him has suddenly made him afraid of (only) giving oral but cool with receiving it? I'd be questioning it tbh. If he is sincere, open to discussing the issue and gives clear and honest reasonable reasons. Then I'd step back and give him time to get over his fears/build trust without pushing the issue (whilst of course not giving him any oral otherwise it would just make me feel it's unfair). Maybe he's just "scared" because he worries that as he's never done it before- (but youve received it before) that he'll be crap? Men have so much ego wrapped up in how much they please their women in bed. Maybe as it's 6 months in, he doesn't feel comfortable with having a subpar performance with you. He still wants you to think he's the best and his inexperience with oral would undermine all that. Or maybe not.

If when discussing the issue - his answers seem odd, irrational or don't add up- you probably just have a lazy man on your hands who enjoys receiving but not giving and has given you lame reasons to avoid having to ever give it. In which case you have to evaluate whether he has enough positives in other areas to make up for the fact the man just doesn't like giving oral (some men are just grossed out by the taste of vagina) and whether you can accept never having oral again to stay with a man who better be absolutely amazing with regards to other relationship matters. Or not. In which case you'll have your answer.

Tbh - I have never met a single man who doesn't like giving oral. I've certainly never met a man afraid to do it. So either he is very unusual (maybe because his past trauma) or just lazy and a bit of a selfish lover.

Sorry this was so long and rambly btw, I'm tired but wanted to finish the post once I'd started it.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Sat 12-Jan-19 01:53:16

It just so happens to be oral in this situation but actually it's irrelevant.

The basics are a relationship doesn't work if there are parts of it that are not compatible. Wether that be sexually or for another reason.

If both people can find a compromise that satisfies them then they do but if they can't then the relationship just won't survive because one partner or the other will always be unhappy.

You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or if there's a compromise that both of you will be happy with, if not then it's over.

KC225 Sat 12-Jan-19 02:14:47

It would be a deal breaker for me as that as that is the 'ping thing' for me. But mostly the deal breaker is that he wouldn't be willing to try it if he knew it was what I liked and wanted - especially, if he was happy to receive blow jobs. Is he still shy, nervous, squeamish or lazy? I would stop with the blow jobs ........

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