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To want my MIL to speak to her son?

(14 Posts)
Sunday89 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:01:47

We’ve somehow got ourselves into the situation where all of the contact my MIL has with us goes through me. All questions about arranging visits to see my DS, all questions about how we are, arranging family get together all goes through me.
Then at Christmas MIL got very drunk and had a go at my DH for being a rubbish son and never speaking to her! I told her gently but firmly that she should start contacting him rather than going through me for everything! They have had a strained relationship for several years and to be honest my DH has been rubbish at contact in the past (when he was a teen/young 20s) but I think now he’s genuinely hurt that she doesn’t seem to bother him, and I get annoyed and doing the ‘wife work’ and keeping their relationship going. They will literally never speak and we don’t live close so only see her every few months, then twice a year or so they’ll get drunk and all the dramatics start hmm
AIBU to tell her again to speak to her own son every once in a while!?

Sunday89 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:02:12

Sorry don’t know what happened to my paragraphs

Sexnotgender Fri 11-Jan-19 21:06:46

YANBU. It’s not your job to facilitate all of this.

Just redirect her to him.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone Fri 11-Jan-19 21:09:01

I have this with my Mil.

Constantly moans that DH doesn't call her, text her, arrangeunch etc. and just goes through me

Finally lost it in the summer and told her if she wants to know what he's doing and be involved in his life then to try actually calling him.

She hasn't bothered me since 😂

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 11-Jan-19 21:09:18

YANBU but by telling her to talk to him you’re still taking responsibility for their communication. If he wants to contact her he will. You don’t have to reply or answer when she contacts you. Or just repeat “please contact DH”, though I’d go with the first option.

They don’t seem to have a positive or healthy dynamic, maybe he’d rather not hear from or see her. He’s known her a lot longer than you have. How does he feel about the level of contact between you and her? Does he see it as wife work he’s offloading to you or would he prefer it wasn’t happening and you weren’t making plans with her?

SoHumble Fri 11-Jan-19 21:10:14

Just stop replying and making any arrangements. That’s what I did. DH replied to her every time she messaged me and said it was better for her to contact him. She occasionally still tries to make arrangements through me but I redirect to DH every time.

Sunday89 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:15:59

That sounds like a good system sohumble I should be braver and just do that.

He knows about the conversation we had at Christmas so he know I’ve already asked her to speak to him directly so in the last week when she’s been messaging me he makes comments about how she clearly hasn’t got the message. She was really quite hurtful to him at Christmas and their relationship wasn’t great anyway so it’s hard to know what to do. She loves her grandson (our DS) but I think she’d be happy seeing him and not us to be honest confused
I think now having a DS myself it just scares me as I couldn’t imagine not wanting to speak to my own son!!

Ultramic Fri 11-Jan-19 21:16:09

My MIL would rather speak to me. She gets more information and I have more patience for her, DH gets stressed by her.

She's not a good listener and will repeatedly interrupt and tell the same stories over and over. ANYway.

I don't mind (I really adore her), but I do often still hand the phone over. "Ohhh DH has just walked in the's your son!" And I remind him to call her on her birthday etc.

I think your MIL was really unreasonable to have a go at your DH, if she's unhappy then she should up her contact with him.

Sunday89 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:24:48

ultramic I think I have made a rod for my own back by being an exceptionally effiecient texter backer grin can’t say i adore her though... more want to keep the peace and make sure she has as many chances as possible to be in her grandchild’s life. Right next time she contacts me I’m going to remind her of our Christmas conversation!

Ultramic Fri 11-Jan-19 21:34:12

Definitely do that.

It's really not on how she made a drama; I couldn't adore someone like that either!

Having a go at someone isn't usually a successful way of getting closer to them...has she got other issues going on at the moment? Not that it excuses her, just wondering if she's putting some higher-than-usual expectations on your DH?

Returnofthesmileybar Fri 11-Jan-19 21:36:09

So next time she texts why don't you just reply "Hi mil, hope all is good with you. Remember our Christmas conversation? You can text dh, I'm sure he'll be happy to help 😉" Now is your chance, if you start replying now then you only have yourself to blame

andthentherewere Fri 11-Jan-19 21:42:28

No words of wisdom but in pretty much the same situation so following for the advice!
I think my DH is pretty crap at replying but she can't be bothered to wait so always goes through me. I hate being being pissed off and the drama it causes so tend to just sort it out (visit etc) which I know is just perpetuating the issue. If I leave it down to DH and MIL they tend to barely communicate them MIL tends to send an arsey text essentially saying I am keeping her from her grandchildren and that I favour my parents rather than her 🙄.
Like I said, no advice but I feel your pain.

NChangeForNoReason Fri 11-Jan-19 21:45:05

Create a WhatsApp group with all of u in, then share the load of replying.

Sunday89 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:56:48

andthentherewere yep exactly the same! And comments like ‘oh girls just always have a better relationship with their own parents than their in laws’. Thanks - I have a son!? confused
Whatsapp group is a brave idea- they actually have a family one and DH is pretty good at sharing baby pics etc but she never initiates any conversation with him!

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