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To be scared to leave my husband...

(19 Posts)
Allforall Fri 11-Jan-19 19:27:00

... But know deep down I am no longer in love with him. We have 2 young DC. I know deep down its the right thing to do but I'm scared of how it'll affect the DC, financial how ill cope and also the massive backlash I'll receive from Dh and his mother hmm

Allforall Fri 11-Jan-19 19:27:34

Words of courage hope and wisdom greatly appreciated right now!

Idontbelieveinthemoon Fri 11-Jan-19 19:27:58

Can you honestly spend the next 40, 50, 60 years like this, though?

Idontbelieveinthemoon Fri 11-Jan-19 19:30:15

I don't mean that in a glib way, by the way. Just that a marriage is only ever as good as the effort both put into it, and if you're going to stay for your DC you're going to teach them that marriage isn't a happy, lovely thing. Surely by admitting this (and I know what a huge admission it can be to acknowledge something like that on here) it means you're not willing to continue with things as they are.

You can't stay married to someone because you're afraid of the MIL.

Allforall Fri 11-Jan-19 19:32:16

Thank you, idont

No, in answer to your initial Q, I cannot bear another decade (let alone several) of merely plodding along, pretending things are OK... blush

Idontbelieveinthemoon Fri 11-Jan-19 19:33:09

So break it down, firstly what's your friendship circle and real life support like?

Allforall Fri 11-Jan-19 19:34:41

idont, it's good. I have good friends and some local family. I am strong, but this is such a massive thing to do, we have been together yesrs. I'm scared.

Oldstyle Fri 11-Jan-19 19:36:29

All the women (with or without kids) I know who've left their husbands for whatever reason are SO pleased that they did. Whatever the financial / social costs, the emotional joy of freedom, and the future possibility of a new love, is like jumping in to a cool river on a sweltering day. Feels like coming alive again. And everything you manage/learn to do alone feels so empowering - shelves, decorating, cars, organising holidays, socialising in your own right - sisters are doing it for themselves. OK I might be a bit rose-tinted here, it's many decades since I did it, but I recommend it heart & soul. You go for it!

Allforall Fri 11-Jan-19 19:49:03

Thanks, oldstyle... Your Comment is just what I needed right now! smile

TinyTimsCrutch Fri 11-Jan-19 19:49:10

What is it you are not happy with? Is it something you could work on together?

Idontbelieveinthemoon Fri 11-Jan-19 19:50:02

Ok, so you have good friends and support. Can you speak to them, tell them the truth about your marriage and how much you're struggling? Lean on them? The absolute essential thing is that you are truthful with yourself from this point on; saying the words out loud "my marriage is over" will make such a difference to how you look at your marriage, and the more you say it, the stronger you will start to feel.

Are you scared of how they'll react in terms of your own safety? Are there any additional issues like emotional abuse or physical violence? If there are, Women Aid are spectacular at supporting you through leaving. It doesn't need to be immediate. It can go at your pace.

I left. It took me 6 months to build up the courage, and it was possibly the hardest thing I've ever done in terms of the unknown. But 13 years on, life is spectacularly lovely. It isn't easy, it isn't quick. But it's survivable. And once you get through the "surviving" stage you suddenly realise you're living again. Happily.

Allforall Fri 11-Jan-19 19:50:57

Tinytims.. We have tried to work on things and compromise to no avail

Crappygilmore Fri 11-Jan-19 19:51:04

Im feeling your pain. I love my dh. But im not in love with him. I want him as a friend but no longer want him as a lover. Unfortunately i am tied. And will probably spend the next few years till i die in a sexless marriage. Noone would ever want me. So i make do. Hay ho.

Allforall Fri 11-Jan-19 19:53:48

idont I have spoke to a close pal and a family member about wanting to end the marriage. There are no complications which would require Women's Aid. There are complications in that I rely on MIL for childcare and unsure how she will do this if we separate 🤔 it's complicated but she has to watch the DC here... But I imagine there's ways around it.

Thank you so much for your supportive and inspiring comment!

Allforall Fri 11-Jan-19 19:55:09

crappy that sounds really tough. I am sure there would be others out there for you, believing it is the hardest part sometimes. I get it. flowers

Idontbelieveinthemoon Fri 11-Jan-19 19:56:53

Would it be possible to try and remain amicable with MIL so that she can remain involved with the childcare? I know it's not that simple but if she's reasonable and calm, it could be done.

TinyTimsCrutch Fri 11-Jan-19 22:02:04

If there is no way forward together then you need to leave, life is to short to live unhappily. And equally for dh, who wants someone to to stay with them because they feel they have no choice. Mil would probably still help as she then gets to see kids more. Good luck, be strong xx

TogetherWeWin Fri 11-Jan-19 23:14:33

Hey it’s ok
I have been in this same situation
Was with my ex for 15 years had 3 children . He was very controlling mentally abusive I struggled with severe anxiety over the years caused by him and made worse because I felt there was no way out . I stayed with him for years and pit up with it just for the sake of the children and family and that I would have nothing if I left him because he was the main breadwinner .
I got so ill with anxiety because I felt there was no way out wasn’t eating extreme weight loss couldn’t function because he made me so miserable . No one around me knew how I was suffering I put on a brave face all the time. I confided in a friend and it felt like a massive weight was lifted
One evening plucked up the courage & I told him it was over . He didn’t take it well blamed me for everything threatened all kinds of things
but he left .
He moved out
I had no income but had rent and bills to pay I’d never done any of that or got involved in bills he was in control of all the money side
I was so scared I’d loose the house .
But I contacted council & tax credits ect so I had a bit of income to help towards the rent Luckily I had to family who helped me a little too so I got by until I found a job .
This was a few years ago and I haven’t looked back don’t regret a thing .everyone has moved on with their lives and happy
There is always a way .
Do not be scared if you really feel it’s the right thing to do
Please confide in someone close it helps a lot you are not alone . ❤️❤️❤️

Allforall Sat 12-Jan-19 07:31:55

Thank you everyone for the words of support and wisdom. I definitely think it's the way forward, but it'll just be such a long process. I can't imagine MIL staying civil, but I certainly will try for everyone's sake. I'm not angry, just done.

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