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Interfering dad causing hell

(274 Posts)
Grubsmummy Fri 11-Jan-19 13:53:13

My dad is 70,he is a very controlling, opinionated person, a narcissist, everyone is wrong about everything, he is right.

I am mid 30s, married with 2 young kids, been with my husband for 17 years. I left home at 21 as couldn't bare to be with my dad any longer and me and oh rented a place.

Dad started to interfere and put pressure on us and 10 years ago, my husband and I ended up making (almost forced to) a rediculous, stupid decision to accept my dad's offer of buying us a home and us paying him reduced rent when i had the children . This sounds amazing, and i realise we are exceptionally lucky to have security in our home, but it was basically forced upon us. We should never ever have done it and i regret it every day.
At every opportunity my dad likes to bring up that we pay him a low rent, he doesn't think we should ever buy anything, go on holiday, have pets, decorate, anything we spend should be offered to him as extra rent. I feel like we can't live at all. We live very frugally, low priced food, buy clothes from charity shops, all our furniture is 2nd hand, old cars etc.

Im reaching the end of my tether now, ideally I want to go no contact with him for many many reasons, (my sister has already for the past 3 years) but can't because my poor mother would see noone and wouldn't see her grandkids. I want to sell up, give him the money back and break free, preferably in another part of the country but we can't because we are trapped by large outgoings. We don't have a spare penny to even afford the lowest rents or mortgages anywhere.

What the hell can we do to change this situation. We live 2 miles away from them so they watch over us with a magnifying glass. I'm concerned that he will start doing this with my kids when they are teens and start forcing cars and houses on them that come with conditions.
I know we are lucky and I am grateful but that doesn't mean we should have to live like this does it? Noone ever dares to say anything to him :-(

MumW Fri 11-Jan-19 14:00:00

The word you need to start using more is NO.

LittleScottieDog Fri 11-Jan-19 14:04:36

Have you saved enough over the years of living frugally that you can rent privately or buy?

Aquamarine1029 Fri 11-Jan-19 14:06:27

Why are your outgoings so high? As for your dad, just stop pandering to him already. What's he going to do, have a tantrum? So let him. If he calls to complain, don't answer. If he shows up at your door, don't open it. He has all of this control over you because you allow. Simple as that. Take the control away from him and live like an adult.

Grubsmummy Fri 11-Jan-19 14:10:42

Another example of what I have to put up with happened today.
Weve needed another car for ages as other one kept braking down each winter. Nothing fancy or expensive. Husband went and chose one and part exed ours in.
When my dad found out (in November) he went mad saying why didn't we go to him for the money and why didn't my husband invite him along to look at cars and give him advice (hubby would never ask him along to anything because he's too interfering). I explained to my dad that my husband wanted to buy his own car and that it wasn't the right thing to do to ask him for the money etc. This offended my dad greatly and he's stewed on it ever since.
He said to me when visiting this morning he thinks my husbands friends have been making comments and that's why my hubby purchased the car himself! He's nuts and paranoid!! Why would my husband have even discussed how to purchase a car with his friends? He then said that due to him allowing us low rent he's technically paying for the car payments anyway because we only have spare money because of him so he should have been involved. I hate all of this. My husbands own parents couldn't care less what we have, they just say "oh that's nice!"

Gazelda Fri 11-Jan-19 14:12:11

You've got to do whatever it takes to move out. Can you look again at your income and outgoings?

SaturdayNext Fri 11-Jan-19 14:12:16

Is the house in your name? If so, what you are paying is presumably not rent but repayment of a loan. Work out how much you've paid over the years and, if it covers what your father paid out, stop paying.

Are you sure that if you sold you couldn't afford another house without a mortgage?

Grubsmummy Fri 11-Jan-19 14:13:49

Our outgoings aren't high in monetary value but as a % of our income our outgoings are about 90% of our income so we only have a very small amount left each month meaning we can't save.We live in a low wage area of the country

Confusedbeetle Fri 11-Jan-19 14:13:55

People often use money as a way of controlling you. Take no gifts or loans. Payback everything you owe Never be beholden to him with money

Di11y Fri 11-Jan-19 14:14:33

I'd go on moneysavingexpert to get advice on your outgoings and get your head round living in a smaller house/ less nice area.

could you get an evening job at a pub or supermarket to supplement your income even if only for 6 months and use the case towards moving?

madmum5811 Fri 11-Jan-19 14:16:14

You are a tenant with a dreadful landlord. Move out and find your own place to rent if you cannot afford to buy.

User758172 Fri 11-Jan-19 14:17:43

He’s so over-invested in your lives it’s unbelievable. Absolutely nuts. I’d get the hell out of there ASAP and rent somewhere else, anything else, rather than be beholden to him. Sorry you’re going through this OP.

Singlenotsingle Fri 11-Jan-19 14:18:20

He's nuts! Maybe he's just obsessed over what you're doing cos he's got nothing else going on in his life. Is his MH ok?

arethereanyleftatall Fri 11-Jan-19 14:19:10

He sounds awful.
But if your rent is really low, and you're still not managing to save, then some other part of your lives need to change to be able to privately rent elsewhere.

Grubsmummy Fri 11-Jan-19 14:19:15

The house is in my name, it cost £250,000. We have only repaid £33,000 to him so far.

Legally I don't think he has a claim to the house as its in mine and husbands name. I reckon if we sold the house now it would have made about 20k on top. I know for a fact that he would want this given to him on top of the original amount.

The cheapest rent in this area is about £500 a month. We don't have this left after bills etc and that's before we buy food and fuel. So we are completely stuck!

MistressDeeCee Fri 11-Jan-19 14:24:32

You have several options to resolve this, but you keep saying "can't".

Since you arent planning to break free, are you thinking to wait until he dies..?

We live very frugally, low priced food, buy clothes from charity shops, all our furniture is 2nd hand, old cars etc
Why not give counselling and the 'Freedom Programme' a try?

But if that's going to be "can't" as well even though effect on you, your H, and God knows what it's doing to your DCs must surely be a consideration...

Then yeah, wait it out seems as if it's your way forward, asharsh as that may sound it's reality.

Why can't your mother visit you, instead of you visiting their home?

madmum5811 Fri 11-Jan-19 14:24:34

See a solicitor. This gifting may bite him on the bum. Ten years that is still over 20k a year he has gifted you. Phew he has been rather stupid if he has no lien on the home. You may not need to pay rent/loan back, and HMRC may be interested. 7 year rule may also apply. You really need expert advice.

TinklyLittleLaugh Fri 11-Jan-19 14:24:49

Well you would have £33k as a deposit. How much could you borrow as a mortgage and how much do you need to buy a house?

Jackshouse Fri 11-Jan-19 14:24:51

So you owe him £217,000 and you own a propert out right worth £270,000.

Can you get a mortgage for the £217,000?

arethereanyleftatall Fri 11-Jan-19 14:27:43

So, in ten years you've paid £33k in rent. That's £275 a month. And you live frugally On top of that.
What are your large outgoings you refer to in your op?

Hoppinggreen Fri 11-Jan-19 14:29:33

Is he declaring the money you pay him as income?
Are there documents to show that the money he gave you was a loan?
You keep saying “can’t” but you can. It won’t be easy and might incur your awful fathers wrath but the alternative is to wait until he dies so it’s your choice
Seek legal advice on your position so you know your options and at the end of the day if you make it clear to your mum she is welcome in your home it’s her choice to see her grandkids or not.

Tinty Fri 11-Jan-19 14:30:01

Does your husband earn a very low wage? A lot of people have a mortgage or rent of £500 or more and still pay their bills and buy food etc. Do you work or are you a stay at home mum?

Justaboy Fri 11-Jan-19 14:30:22

The house is in my name, it cost £250,000. We have only repaid £33,000 to him so far

Whos name is on the deds at the land registery?

Do you have a formal mortage agreement with him at all and if so does have have a "charge" over the property?

When you buy a property, well you buy the bit of land the property sits on in fact!, the building society will have a charge placed thats so that if you can't pay them they can take possesion of the house and sell it to get their money back then if any left over then they give that back to you in principal.

So was this set up like that at all can make a big differnce.

So you coudl re mortage it and pay him off the whole amount so he's out of your hair!

Being a man of his age I can understand that he inhis way is trying to help but he needs to let go and for you to make your own deciscions etc perhaps best if you can go and talk to him and let him know that whilst you know he 'is trying to help its not working as you'd like it to well, something on those lines!

Grubsmummy Fri 11-Jan-19 14:30:52

I've spoken to a mortgage advisor about our property before and was told it would be £900/ £1000 a month on average . We only have £400 a month left after our goings and we have to buy food and fuel out of that.

Basically I don't think we can't get out of the situation without having a major fall out, but i just want the relationship with my father to change. It makes me feel so sad that this hangs over everything all the time and I just want a nice dad and grandad to our kids

madmum5811 Fri 11-Jan-19 14:31:16

Even if you wait until he dies, it is all going to come out and you could be in a world of bother then. Sort it now.

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