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To have gone off an old friend due to her FB posts

(44 Posts)
another20 Fri 11-Jan-19 10:56:08

? Old school friend. See each other couple of times a year. She is mildly competitive and annoying but tolerable. However her FB posts are extremely vain, arrogant, smug, showing off, self centred etc and has really put me off much so that I don’t want to hang out with her.

Is FB the “real” her - is this what is inside her head......or is she just v insecure and desperate and I need to be compassionate to this instead?

LetsSplashMummy Fri 11-Jan-19 10:58:57

You need to unfollow her and carry on the friendship as it was. I think people use FB differently and also imagine different tones of voice when posting. Bragging is often just insecurity, the RL person is more real than the FB person.

If they were making racist or offensive posts, that's different.

Idontbelieveinthemoon Fri 11-Jan-19 11:00:33

You use the word friend but the way you describe her is awful - you're obviously not her friend. Delete her (or your facebook if it bothers you this much) and let the friendship drift.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 11-Jan-19 11:02:03

Why on earth are you still friends with her when you don't really like her IRL or online?

Miane Fri 11-Jan-19 11:03:43

I think FB gives you little windows into corners of people’s personalities that aren’t always obvious.

I have two friends whose FB postings don’t at all match their real life selves.

One is incredibly needy on FB and one is just dreadful all round.

I haven’t yet dropped anyone because if FB but I’ve certainly pulled back a bit from the “dreadful” one.

More entertainingly I have a few pseudo intellectuals posting on my FB feed. But they just make me smile.

ShadyLady53 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:14:01

I left Facebook because I was just totally horrified at sides of friends I’d never known about...constant slating of my religion or ethnicity, trying to force their viewpoints on people as if there was only one way of looking at things, demanding we all vote and think a certain way and the constant narcissism/neediness/attention seeking etc.

I broke off the friendship with my best friend as she moved far away and all I could see of her was her online persona which was bullying, insanely jealous of other people’s success and happiness and very racist. I later discovered via his social media that her new boyfriend (now the man she is about to marry) was a genuine Nazi (he describes himself as one), complete racist who bullies non white MPs via Twitter, alt-right, misogynist. I look back now and wonder who the hell I was in a friendship with...what side of her was the lie? How could she bear to be friends with a mixed race person like me with a Muslim as well as Christian background and upbringing? We even lived together for a while!

If it’s that bad OP, ditch her. She’s showing you who she is.

WhatHaveIFound Fri 11-Jan-19 11:17:19

I've unfollowed a few people recently, mainly due to them sharing Britain First posts. I can do without racists in my life.

Do you like your friend in real life? In which case i'd just ignore/hide her bragging FB posts.

Stuckmom Fri 11-Jan-19 11:19:23

tolerable is not a word I would personally use to describe someone I consider a friend, an aquaintence yes....a friend no

x2boys Fri 11-Jan-19 11:25:50

I rarely post on facbook,I use it mainly for disability groups, but I think people only post what they want people to see ?

HundoP Fri 11-Jan-19 11:30:07

I “escaped” a similar “friendship” which went on for too long (15 years!) due to my low self esteem and poor mental health.

The narcissism was strong with this one!

The constant dog whistle racism regarding her Japanese SIL led to overt racism, then she started on me and I bailed, I am utterly ashamed that I tolerated it for so long.

People like this will say “but YOU’RE not like that” or “not YOU”.

As if they’re doing you a massive favour to make an exception and as if you are not a member of the groups they hate on!

Drum2018 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:30:31

I've a couple of these people on Facebook and I snooze them for 30 days when I get sick of their posts, rather than delete them altogether. I probably should delete as I rarely actually see them. If you only meet up a couple of times a year and you wish to maintain these meet ups, then snooze her rather than delete her, so it doesn't cause upset to her. If you can't be bothered maintaining a real life friendship then delete her on Facebook and don't arrange further meet ups.

DontCallMeCharlotte Fri 11-Jan-19 11:32:11

I have a friend who I'm very fond of in real life but I have unfollowed her on Facebook because, whilst not offensive in any way, her posts are rather dull, quite smug and really, really repetitive (see what I did there?).

Unfortunately this meant I missed her engagement announcement. Oops!

HundoP Fri 11-Jan-19 11:32:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblebee39 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:34:09

Come off FB and work out if you like the RL person.
I hardly use social media anymore and when I do I regret it. I find some people who I like IRL are really annoying on FB but I think it's the social media not the person for the most part

birdiewoof Fri 11-Jan-19 11:34:54

I have gone off many people due to them sharing ignorant and racist posts. I’m afraid I delete them straight away now!

DontCallMeCharlotte Fri 11-Jan-19 11:35:32

I have also have a couple of Messenger group pages which, when one person posts (always entirely unrelated to the subject of the page), everyone joins in and I never get anything done! They often muted for a few days and when I go back, I've rarely missed anything important.

alphajuliet123 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:36:13

Urgh, I have a dear friend who I do like seeing (occasionally) in real life but who is an absolute dick on FB. She's been talking about leaving her husband for years and has many family issues going on, but everything on FB looks perfect. Another touts herself as some kind of earth mother but is the biggest stresshead I know who barely sleeps for worrying. Conversely, another is delightful on social media - funny and humble despite a jet set lifestyle - but is so intense and boring in real life I'd probably cross the road to avoid her. Weird!

The snooze button is your friend.

eniledam Fri 11-Jan-19 11:36:38

I had this over Christmas. One of my friends is obsessed with showing off every single gift she gets. She takes hundreds of photos of every expensive present with smug captions. She also has to take photos of herself with the presents dressed up to the nines. She told me at NY that a photo she'd put up of herself captioned "Christmas Eve" had actually been taken on Boxing Day, because she'd forgotten to take a picture of her outfit that night. She'd put her full going-out make up on again and got dressed in the same clothes just so she could take a picture to post online.

Always makes me think of the Slaves song "The Lives They Wish They Had".
"So what exactly were you trying to say/when you put your latest purchases on public display/ is it praise you're after, or is it something more/like a desperate need for acceptance that you just can't ignore."

I don't blame you for not wanting to hang out so much anymore. It gets tiring and makes you realize how different you are as people.

ShadyLady53 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:39:05

@ HundoP She sounds dreadful - glad you escaped! Another friend pointed out that maybe I was being used as cover too and how maybe I’m just light enough to be acceptable to her 😒.

It’s so confusing though, and I doubt I will ever fully understand. To me, she’d say things like, “my family are so racist, every time I go round for dinner I want to cry because of the things they say.” or “The Asian kids at school are so much better behaved and are really brought up to study and value education. I wish more parents would be like the Asian parents.”

So which one was the real her? The person that said those things to me or the online Nazi?

Can relate to the handmaiden thing, she had to be Queen Bee.

another20 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:40:25

I think that was a good spot that I can “tolerate” her in RL - that isn’t good enough for a friendship - waste of both our precious time. She always initiates meet ups - I just comply out of some sort of obligation because we have have been “friends” since school. But in reality we don’t do anything together just catch-ups a couple of times a year. And I do find her FB posts and values abhorrent (not political or racist) “just” narcissistic and vulgar, which is an escalation of the RL persona and is how I “see” her when we meet and it makes me very uncomfortable. Time to fade the friendship.

RandomObject Fri 11-Jan-19 11:43:18

I removed a friend from instagram when all of her posts became endless 'blessed' pictures of her doing yoga and 'finding herself' in tropical countries and posing with local children props. I know she does it because she is insecure but bleurgh, I'm insecure and still know what's tacky and smug.

GabsAlot Fri 11-Jan-19 11:48:26

a psychologist stated the more people post about themselves the more insecure they are

no excuse i know but if you dont like he rirl either just bin her

i just unfollow people that irritate me not delete they dont know youve done it but your timeline wont show any of their posts anymore

HundoP Fri 11-Jan-19 11:52:25


Could be that even the “positive” stereotyping (which is in itself racist) was a cover?

Very public signalling iyswim?

The weird thing was in my case, she was obsessed with me! Wouldn’t let me go, felt entitled to me servitude!

I tried to fade her out gently but it got very messy, looking back it couldn’t have ended any other way as she needed to abuse me emotionally, financially and mentally in order superior and, truth be told, it made her feel good.

In your case, I think Oscar Wilde has it right, “Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth“.

SM is your friend’s mask and the Nazi is her truth.

ShadyLady53 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:54:51

@HundoP ugh, she really was a narcissist just using you for narcissistic supply!

Yeah, I think you are right about ex-bff!

Yabbers Fri 11-Jan-19 12:17:00

I did something similar with a friend who was constantly bragging about her son. He didn’t just play tennis, he was having coaching and would be the next Andy Murray. He didn’t just cycle, he was training and would be the next Chris Hoy. Every single achievement had a hashtag about him being a future leader or future star. She was like this IRL, very competitive. We did a charity buggy push and she was intent on finishing first. This basically meant her and her OH speed walked the circuit, lapping others with a “coming through” and finished way before the group. They crowed about it, despite the fact most were walking with their toddlers.

Our DD was ahead of hers in a couple of developmental areas and she kept on pushing her son to “catch up with her” in a really impatient way.

I tried to ignore it and concentrate on the nicer parts of her character but eventually it became nauseating and I just felt sorry for her son who was never allowed just to play. The final straw came when her son was held back to do another year in nursery and instead of just being open that he was struggling in certain areas as he was the youngest (his birthday was right on the cut off for starting school) she insisted it was the standard policy of his uber posh private school and they preferred the brighter ones to be kept back so they could help the other children in class confused

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