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Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

(233 Posts)
ZoeZebra1 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:18:48

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

ZoeZebra1 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:20:28

Sorry for the many typos!

Aprilshowerswontbelong Thu 10-Jan-19 18:20:32

Yanbacf - the home improvement will last a lot longer than a splurge holiday.
Your dm chose to pay you didn't ask.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes Thu 10-Jan-19 18:22:04

But you can't afford it due to needing to get your house sorted...she's being ridiculous

katykins85 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:22:19

I know you are using mortgage to pay for the improvements and not cash, but I can see how your mum might be a bit peeved!

EmUntitled Thu 10-Jan-19 18:23:29

YANBU. She offered to pay, it's not like you begged her to. And you can't afford both so you didn't lie to her. Home improvements are a much better long term use of the money.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes Thu 10-Jan-19 18:23:42

I wouldn't choose to spend a lot of money on expensive holidays at the moment as we have other priorities
If I told someone that and they still expect me to come they either pay themselves or we don't go

RangeRider Thu 10-Jan-19 18:24:07

No you haven't! Huge difference between extending house (getting more space & adding to its value) and having an expensive holiday (with nothing to show except some photos). She wanted the holiday, not you. Ask her to cancel it?

User758172 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:25:39

No, I don’t think you are.

Your mum shouldn’t have offered to pay if it wasn’t unconditional. You don’t now suddenly have the money to pay her anyway - you’re remortgaging! confused

CornishMaid1 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:27:16

You are not a CF. You were going to sell, but are instead re-mortgaging to extend. If you don't re-mortgage for the work you won't suddenly have the money.

You said you couldn't afford to go and she offered to pay. You didn't force her to. If she didn't want to pay then she shouldn't have.

Does she really expect you to re-mortgage your house to pay for a holiday?!

pinkyredrose Thu 10-Jan-19 18:27:33

I think your mum's got a point, bit tasteless to accept thousands for a trip and then tell her about the thousands you're now going to spend on something else.

downandnowout Thu 10-Jan-19 18:27:42

Well if mum asked if you wanted to go on expensive hols, and you said no (presumably because you have all the extra expense of a house move or house improvements coming up), or if the hol was out of your ordinary budget anyway, then no, yanbu. Especially if your mum knew at the time of your plans to get a house to suit your needs.

Just cos you can afford a house to meet your needs, doesn't mean you can also afford a holiday.

Fanjita1 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:28:08

YANBU. You declined. She offered. You accepted. The improvements are irrelevant.

Sarahandduck18 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:29:10

I can see both sides.


Cheerbear23 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:29:51

No, you’re not a CF. I see this as you wouldn’t have used the money for a lavish holiday but you would use it for making your home more comfortable. You’re remortgaging after all, it’s not sensible to blow that on a holiday!

BaconMaker Thu 10-Jan-19 18:31:00

YANBU. Of course housing is more of a priority than extravagant holidays. That money was set aside so you couldn't afford the holiday.

She'd have more of a point if you'd begged for her to pay for your holiday as you have no money but in this case no.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Thu 10-Jan-19 18:31:32

This sounds like it was all your Mums idea. You said you couldn't afford it and she offered to pay. You made sure she could afford it and then said yes when you were comfortable she could.

You remorgaging shouldn't come into it, you would still have said no even if she knew about the money and she probably still would have offered.

Lavish holidays are lovely, however what you're deciding to do is far more important for you and your family.

HEFebery Thu 10-Jan-19 18:33:01

Definitely not you - you didn't ask her to pay because you didn't have the money.

For me, it's the same as saying "no because we are saving for a house deposit", and I bet she wouldn't have said it then.

It's a lovely thing for her to do, but shouldn't have been held over your head like this.

juneau Thu 10-Jan-19 18:35:18

You're remortgaging so you still don't have cash for holidays! Your DM is being ridiculous. I mean, I can see why she feels aggrieved, but it's the same thing at all. You're borrowing the money to extend your house, but no way should you borrow money to pay for a holiday - that would be madness. Besides, you turned her down and she offered to pay for you, you didn't ask her to.

juneau Thu 10-Jan-19 18:35:46

*it's NOT the same thing at all

TechnicalSergeantGarp Thu 10-Jan-19 18:38:11

I can see where your mum is coming from. Did you offer anything towards the holiday?

Spending tens of thousands of £ suggests you could afford to pay towards a holiday.

ZoeZebra1 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:38:18

Thanks everyone, I agree with the poster who said it is tasteless, it is how I feel, like I have somehow ripped her off. I suggested to DH that we add the cost of the holiday to remortgage but we are cutting it fine as it is... What should be exciting, holiday and larger house, all feels horrible and tainted and like I am somehow trying to rip my mum off, which I would never do! I adore her and am usually the generous one (meals out, lifts, shopping, housework). I am so used to looking after and out for her that being accused of this just hurts and makes me feel so shitty.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername Thu 10-Jan-19 18:38:22

YANBU. You didn't have the money available, you had to remortgage to get it.

Aridane Thu 10-Jan-19 18:40:15

I think your mum's got a point, bit tasteless to accept thousands for a trip and then tell her about the thousands you're now going to spend on something else.

I agree

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Thu 10-Jan-19 18:41:09

It’s shitty that she is making you feel that way OP. YANBU at all.

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