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To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

(805 Posts)
YouWinAgain Mon 07-Jan-19 11:41:25

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1) SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

Mxyzptlk Thu 16-May-19 17:04:29

I've not been on MN for a while and had been wondering how you were doing.
That's wonderful news!
I hope things are going well now?

aleC4 Sat 04-May-19 11:13:21

Hope you and mini are doing ok? You haven't posted for a while.

YouWinAgain Thu 25-Apr-19 09:48:18

Feeling a hell of a lot better this morning, as someone pointed out this has basically been my reality for 15 months, it's just been confirmed.

Think I was just exhausted, had this hanging over me for almost 6 months now so it's bound to have got to me.

Hullabalooo Thu 25-Apr-19 08:19:05

Oh that's so good to hear.. going through similar hell at the moment so it's great to hear some actual good news.. I'm really really pleased for you!

Queenofthestress Thu 25-Apr-19 08:11:43

Icecream PTSD wink

Weenurse Wed 24-Apr-19 23:08:27


YouWinAgain Wed 24-Apr-19 21:13:24

IceCream is definitely banned sorry TimeIhadaNameChange after the explosive icecream on the way home from Nursery I think I might have icecream related anxiety, when I say it got everywhere, I mean it got everywhere...

Polkadotdelight Wed 24-Apr-19 20:30:35

That's an awesome update and you are more than good enough for her. I haven't posted before but have been following as a friends daughter has been in almost exactly the same situation. Again, it was all about control with a dollop of parental pushing and a lot of posturing to be seen to give a shit (ultimately he really didn't). Good on you!

Queenofthestress Wed 24-Apr-19 20:26:47

Icecream is banned, sorry @TimeIhadaNameChange grinwink

DPotter Wed 24-Apr-19 19:28:21

Of course you will be good enough for Mini! Congrats on the job - even if it isn't what you want - it's always good to have the offer. Roll on the interview next week

Congratulations - now you can relax and enjoy Mini all the more!!

Notwiththeseknees Wed 24-Apr-19 17:48:44

Congratulations! Such a wonderful update smile

RandomMess Wed 24-Apr-19 17:47:18

They were judging your parenting mainly because of him. You have proved beyond doubt that you are good enough.

Ok so it will be his parents doing a good chunk of her care but so what, they do care for her and you need the break. It is good for Mini to have contact with her paternal family, he will be around there will be contact and that's good for her.

It will become your new normal you won't miss the stress and drama. You'll get a job, life will move on.

Give yourself time.

78percentLindt Wed 24-Apr-19 17:11:42

Oh YouWin- you have already shown everyone that you are good enough.
Now you need to prove it to yourself.
Congratulations on all of it- and now you can show Mini what a working mum bringing up a happy child looks like!

TimeIhadaNameChange Wed 24-Apr-19 17:03:00

You've already proved you're good enough. If you weren't you wouldn't have been fighting him through the courts for however long.

So glad you got the outcome you deserved. Icecream for you and Mini, methinks!

YouWinAgain Wed 24-Apr-19 16:51:23

I feel like everything he ever said about her when we were together was all false, all the grovelling as he was worried about losing us both was a lie. It was literally so his mum could see her, I know he's going to work as normal and let his mum parent her, I don't want to parent with his mum!

I just want someone to love her in the way I do. She drives me crazy sometimes, but she is also so incredibly funny, cheeky and her Nursery keyworker describes her as polite and helpful.

Also since we split I've had this hanging over me, people watching me and judging my parenting. Then suddenly it's all over, and for 95% of my childs life I am in sole charge. What if I'm not good enough?

Clutterbugsmum Wed 24-Apr-19 16:34:40

I'm glad you have the 'deal' you wanted and what is best for MIni.

Of course he didn't fight harder, because it was always about controlling you, which you have proved he can no longer do. Unfortunately I feel he will be 'working' more so will no be able to see Mini or see her less. The fact he doesn't want to see her more in school holiday when he could is very telling.

Motoko Wed 24-Apr-19 16:07:14

Ah, you posted while I was writing my post (got sidetracked halfway through, so it took a while!).

As Random said, it's because he wanted to control and abuse you. I also suspect his parents had a lot to do with it. I really think it was them telling him to actually take you to court, because I think he probably would have just kept threatening you with it, if it wasn't for them.

Motoko Wed 24-Apr-19 16:02:06

So glad it went well, and without his parents there, he seemed more amenable. It's quite telling that he doesn't want her more in the school holidays, it shows that he's not really bothered about having her. I bet if his parents weren't on the scene, he wouldn't have her at all.

Congrats on the job offer, and good luck with the next interview. Let us know when it is, and we'll send good vibes!

RandomMess Wed 24-Apr-19 15:29:24

Because it was only ever about controlling and abusing you not about wanting to be involved with Mini.


YouWinAgain Wed 24-Apr-19 15:19:16

I don't know why but I feel a bit flat and kind of sad.

I'm so surprised he didn't fight for more time with her, that I had to physically offer Father's Day, and the only thing he really wanted was his mum to look after her.

If that's what he wanted what was the point of us going to court?

I'm a little bit disappointed for Mini, she adores her dad.

Binglebong Wed 24-Apr-19 14:34:24

Brilliant! So please for you!

YouWinAgain Wed 24-Apr-19 13:58:03

This was also the last hearing.

Judge put his hammer and said "All in agreement for final order" and then slammed it again and said "Child Arrangements Order for the child; MiniLady Win agreed and passed".


TheMShip Wed 24-Apr-19 13:42:42

Congratulations on the job offer! I'm sure you'll land something that works for you soon. The outcome of court sounds like it's very much in Mini's best interests.

RandomMess Wed 24-Apr-19 13:42:11

It sounds like he's been honest about what he wants (ie token effort) rather than being his parents mouthpiece!

Congratulations thanks

YouWinAgain Wed 24-Apr-19 13:40:37

He also agreed to let me have Mother's Day every year and I had to offer him Father's Day.

And we split Christmas Day. I have her Christmas Eve until 2pm then he has her overnight until 11am Boxing Day although I'll likely offer him all of Boxing Day as 11am seems unnecessarily early.

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