To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!(805 Posts)
Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.
In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.
I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.
In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.
It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.
I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN
thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.
DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.
There’s two bits of good news:
1) SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!
But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.
I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.
Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!
I swear I'm starting to hate buttons as much as Mini does
She's also said that she wouldn't offer extra contact to ExH as if he's bothered he'll ask for it (I offer anyway in case it goes back to court I can prove I tried).
There's no need to do that.
The less time she has with him the better, given his lack of interest in her welfare - as shown by the shoes and the bedtime.
Take the SW's advice.
Bet she loved that!
She did, and the bath and cup of tea afterwards
Oops I let Mini gets soaking wet and muddy in the rain/puddles on the way back from Nursery
Anyway, you don't need to justify your parenting to us, and you're not doing anything wrong.
I know, and actually I think the SW has always been on my side.
There was a big wedding for ExHs family this weekend. It was his weekend but it was a drive from where we live so he wanted Mini early. He started being manipulative to try and get Mini so she could go, telling me he's making my life easier to pick her up from me, she'd love it, she is entitled to a life with him etc Remember court order states contact is 10am Sat to 4pm Sun. He tried every trick in the book. And when I refused to be manipulated and said I couldn't guarantee her with him before 10am, he rang the SW. She said she wasn't getting involved because I wasn't obstructing contact
He had her for the wedding as I put my foot down over an issue with shoes (due to her GDD and a previous hip problem she's not allowed to wear open toed shoes, if she trips in them she'll damage her hip so I said no, he wouldn't listen to me, Nursery Manager got the male member of staff to have a word but he ignored that so SW had a word, he ignored her too so I put my foot down and basically made it impossible for him to do anything but agree with me) and told him if he listened to me he could have her in time for the wedding. We also agreed he'd get her home for a 9pm bedtime - later than normal but manageable. He didn't get her to bed yesterday morning until after 1am. When I told SW today she couldn't directly say it but did seem annoyed with him - he'd offered up this information to her. It's thrown Mini's routine off to the point she's wet herself today which she hasn't done in months! She also told me she agreed with me over the shoes.
In a recent report she bigged me up, compliments from the Nursery, and others involved, reference to nicknames Mini has given family members. Throughout the report she indicated that ExH is an idiot i.e. no comments where he yet again denied the violence, comments about him never being unsupervised and reference to the court order saying contact has to take place at his parents house.
During a meeting with SW and Nursery, she told me she was happy that I had options over childcare. She's also said that she wouldn't offer extra contact to ExH as if he's bothered he'll ask for it (I offer anyway in case it goes back to court I can prove I tried).
My kids often wore clothes more than once before washing.
Anyway, you don't need to justify your parenting to us, and you're not doing anything wrong. You're just hyper vigilant because of that git that calls himself a father, but wouldn't know what a good parent was if it smacked him in the face.
Stop worrying about it, let it flow, like water off a duck's back, because his complaint doesn't warrant any attention.
What I mean is it's usually end of week. So she's been doing an extra half day on Monday recently so if she gets Mondays uniform dirty I put her in a clean uniform for Tuesday and then wash Monday's uniform. But if the Monday uniform isn't dry by Wednesday (sometimes it's not) she only has 2 uniforms so I will put her in the same polo shirt and jumper from the previous day. By Friday the first uniform she wore is usually clean so if she gets it messy Wednesday she has clean for Friday.
I also only change uniform midweek if it's dirty, otherwise she wears the same skirt, polo shirt and jumper for a few days (I change socks/tights and pants and vest if she's wearing one everyday)
Caked with dirt, yes, but obviously if you were as neglectful as that the nursery an everyone else would have picked it up.
I occasionally have to put her in the same jumper at Nursery two days in a row and that may have food dropped down it or whatever she did the previous day but the manager always tells me "Don't worry she'll probably get todays dinner down her anyway so why make two lots of washing for yourself?"
No-one is ever going to care about a bit of dirt on a toddler's clothes. Caked with dirt, yes, but obviously if you were as neglectful as that the nursery an everyone else would have picked it up. I hope you're going to take photographs every time she comes back from his with dirty clothes.
Why are you worrying about that? You know you don't, and that he's full of bullshit, and that's been confirmed by nursery and the SW, so put it out of your mind. Don't allow it any headspace, shoo it away when thoughts like that form.
He's always going to do shit like this, so you need to work on strategies to ignore it, or you've got at least 15 more years of doubting yourself.
You know that you don't though YouWinAgain so don't let him get to you. He is only doing this to mess with your head and if you fall back into catastrophising then he's won.
It was a good idea to take photos of her before she goes - does he know you do this? (Not saying he should know, but I wonder if he had known if he would have made this "complaint".)
He will always try something because he didn't get his own way, but you know (and it looks like your SW knows) that he is just pissing in the wind.
Enjoy your little one while she's little because these times don't last five minutes - don't waste them with useless worries, you're fine and she's fine.
Arghh, idiot ex strikes again.
He told the SW I send Mini to his in dirty clothes.
A) I am OCD about stains, to the point I apologise to Nursery if her jumper is even slightly stained even if she got the stain from Nursery!
B) Nursery, the FPO and the SW have all said in every single report that Mini is well dressed, clean, as tidy as an almost 4 year old can be and that if she does have an accident I either i) provide a change of clean clothes for Nursery to change her into or ii) I change her promptly into clean clothes
C) I take photos of her before I take her to her dads, she might occasionally have got chocolate down her front or tomato in her hair, but I always explain and if he's bothered he could, you know, change her clothes and wash the ones I provide.
D) I never ever comment when she comes back from his covered in mud with grazed arms and bruised knees. She's 3, she's supposed to get messy occasionally!
Arghh, feel so angry over this. He's lost all control so is trying to sabotage me any way he can.
SW has still closed the case, as she said she rang Nursery before her visit today and they reiterated that they have no concerns over her clothes.
He's clearly quite jealous as Mini has quite an impressive collection of dresses and skirts and they're not cheap brands (I have very generous friends who give me Boden or Jojo Maman Bebe or Gap or similar clothes when their children have outgrown them, what does he want me to do? Turn them down when they're perfectly good clothes) and Mini much prefers to choose her own clothes, she has a thing about buttons
Queenofthestress has heard many a rant about this, and how I am struggling with uniform for Mini but of course ExH and Ex-MIL can't accept that and instead force her to wear what they want which Mini doesn't like - I am much more laid back on clothes as long as it's weather appropriate and appropriate for the activity I don't get hung up on it, I go to a shop with her and let her pick her clothes or if I pick I think seriously about what she likes; buttons are a no go, but poppers or zips always go down well, elephants cats or unicorns are pretty much guarenteed a yes, and I have been known to pick up dinosaurs tshirts from the boys section for her and them go down well too. He or more likely his mother just picks stuff they like without thinking about what Mini wants, then wonder why she won't wear it.
Rant over. I did have a swear when SW told me though
not in her earshot
Case closed anyway. Mini made SW a lovely card and spent her pocket money on a pack of sweets for her which was sweet.
Now worrying that I do infact send Mini to his in dirty clothes, and that I'm the bad one.
How are you getting on with the EHC Plan? It would be worth contacting SOS SEN to get the draft checked.
I bet Mini was very proud to try on her new uniform.
Wishing you all the best for the future and hone the 3rd goes well and all continues to be quiet on the western front with the ex. You really deserve a bit of the quiet life now.
I've followed your threads and was worried about you. So glad I found the new one.
Please don't ever question how good a mother you are. You've been through hell and have put her first every step of the way. You're amazing! I feel proud of you even though I don't know you.
Good luck with the job hunting. I'm sure mini will do well at school.
Do keep posting and letting us know how you're both getting on
Bought Mini's school uniform today. Might have cried just a bit
Hey op i had read your previous thread n really very happy for you.. long n tiring battle for you n a well n truly deserved victory..
Wonderful! So very pleased tor you and so well deserved. Xxx
Thought you'd all like the big update for now.
As of 3rd June SW is closing the case! She'd have closed it today but I didn't have Mini and she didn't want to just disappear with no explanation to her
Sorry haven't been back, nothing major has happened. We're trundling along and doing ok. Just waiting for the case to be closed by SS now but I don't think it'll be long.
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