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AIBU?

to want another baby with my ex ?

173 replies

gaelle79 · 03/01/2019 14:01

Hi all, happy New Year!

My New Year resolution is to make up my mind about this and I need your honest (non-judgemental) opinions please.

My ex and I dated for 5 years. We didn’t work out because I was not the one for him.

At the time, I didn’t realize that and kept making up excuses for the fact that he was dragging his feet regarding commitment. After 3 years and because I was pressuring him, he agreed to have a baby. When I brought up marriage (again) he said having a baby was an even bigger commitment and that made sense to me.

During my pregnancy I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and finally saw things for what they were: He was not in love with me and didn’t want to marry me so I broke up.
It was messy and painful, he went MIA for months and I resented him for that, for failing our daughter.

Now we are back in a good place, co-parenting and getting along.
The thing is I desperately want another baby. I’m 39 going on 40. It’s been 3 years since our breakup and I wanted to meet someone, to build a relationship and maybe have baby #2 but nothing…not even a fling :(

I know I will find that person, eventually but it could be tomorrow or in ten years! If I want another child, I don’t have much more time left so I’m really considering having it with him.

We talked about it and he is totally on board with the idea. Still, there is no chance for us to work out as a couple so we would have the baby and co parent as we currently do but that’s it.

Do you think I’m crazy to even consider this?

OP posts:
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Myheartbelongsto · 03/01/2019 14:05

You're crazy.

And selfish.

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Welshgal1 · 03/01/2019 14:05

I personally wouldn't want to deliberately bring a child into a broken home. Lots of children do just fine in such circumstances but a large amount also do not. Only you can judge your circumstances and your relationship but any decision you make needs to be based on how it would affect your DD, and how it would affect a new baby, rather than based on you being broody.

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Welshgal1 · 03/01/2019 14:06

Realistically if you're broody you'll probably find it hard to forget that and think about the child's wellbeing as the priority. From an outside perspective it does come across as a very bad idea, imo.

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Dippitydoodle · 03/01/2019 14:08

If your both on board with the idea, an happy to co parent I don't think your crazy.

If it were me, I'd do it.

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MonaChopsis · 03/01/2019 14:08

I honestly think that if you're both on board with the idea, then why not? Plenty of people have stranger family set ups, and to even be considering it means that you are currently co-parenting pretty amicably.

I would have done this if I was on better terms with my ex, but I couldn't have slept with him. Would have had to turkey baster it somehow.

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SkeletonSkins · 03/01/2019 14:10

I’d do it. If you co parent well and get on, seems fine to me. If you met someone new and had a kid straight away a break up is quite likely which is much more damaging for a child than growing up with a supportive mum and dad who get on but aren’t together.

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Outwards · 03/01/2019 14:11

I think two good co-parents who aren't together are better than two shit parents who are together; if your ex is enthusiastically on board then it's not something I'd be judgy about.

The only complication I'd be worried about is the actual baby making. Would you go about it in a donated-sperm way? I certainly think sex with an ex would be off limits, but that's me personally.

Aside from that, families come in all shapes and sizes, there's no wrong or right.

If a child is much wanted and much loved, and you have feasible emotional and financial support should your ex decide to go awol, then go for it. :)

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ChampooPapi · 03/01/2019 14:12

@Needmoresleep agreed. If your both on board why not. I'm sure it won't be smooth sailing the whole time but what relationship is!

They'll both have the same father and any subsequent relationships for you won't have the added pressure of you craving a baby from date 1.

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ChampooPapi · 03/01/2019 14:14

@Dippitydoodle I meant! That other user name was accidentally pasted from my house move thread Blush

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Outwards · 03/01/2019 14:14

@Welshgal1

I personally wouldn't want to deliberately bring a child into a broken home

Thing is, the perception of a broken home stems from an old-fashioned ideology now.

There is no normal, and broken as in divorced/separated can mean happier children so the connotations of broken is a far too negative term to appropriate here.

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NewFitMe · 03/01/2019 14:16

I’ve done that. We both wanted a sibling for our son and neither of us was seeing anyone at the time. We were good friends, just didn’t love each other anymore. I’d say do it. I’m happy I did it.

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Confusedbeetle · 03/01/2019 14:17

Yes crazy and yes selfish. This man conned you into thinking her was committed to you when you had the first baby. What a gem for him, cake and eat it. He is right in thinking a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage, however he couldnt do marriage? You are deluding yourself that he is and will continue to be a committed father. He is not. You are really not thinking about the child. I am saddened by some of the posts that think its ok

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lily2403 · 03/01/2019 14:17

If you both in it for the children regardless of how you feel for each other then go for it

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Vehivle · 03/01/2019 14:18

If I were in your position, I'd do it. Though it is not ideal as pp have said, bringing a baby into a broken home etc. But then the baby wouldn't even be alive... and kids do manage in loving but split homes.

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MimiSunshine · 03/01/2019 14:22

@Welshgal1 😮 ‘broken home’? Fuck off. Plenty of children do not ‘do just fine’ in homes where the parents have stayed together when they’d be better apart.

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AmaryllisNightAndDay · 03/01/2019 14:23

OK, you basically want this because you have given up on meeting someone else. But he hasn't, and what do you suppose happens when he meets someone else? Someone who he thinks is "the one" that you aren't? And he decides to marry her, and have children with her? Your cosy co-parenting arrangement is temporary until he finds another partner. The real pressure will start then.

You already decided to have one baby with no commitment from him. Now you want to have another baby with even less commitment from him than before. When he does meet someone else, or when he gets fed up with this arrangement, you will have nothing and neither will your children. He has already failed your child once. What exactly will stop him from failing your children again?

Of course he is totally on board with the idea - he can drop it and run anytime he likes. And you will have to be very nice to him to stop him doing that.

You will certainly never find another partner while you keep mooning over him. Which you are, if you are still thinking of him as potential father for your next child.

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MimiSunshine · 03/01/2019 14:26

@Confusedbettle did you not read the part where OP said he agreed to a baby after she was pressuring him?

Hardly conning her into pregnancy

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TheBigBangRocks · 03/01/2019 14:28

Agree it's crazy and selfish, it's your wants over what's best for the child. Having pressured him the first time you think we would have learnt to say no especially as you are no longer together. Children deserve a loving family not being born into a broke home.

Why would you want a child with a man you don't love, aren't in a relationship with? What role model does that set bar I want x so that's all the matters?

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ChubRubTheStruggleIsReal · 03/01/2019 14:29

Yeah I’d do it.
I’ve been waiting for the one for 11yrs... I feel I’ve lost the chance to have another baby. It’s a painful regret to have.

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TheWiseWomansFear · 03/01/2019 14:31

I'd do it tbh. Two full siblings... time to find someone else.
Are you sure he doesn't want to get back together?

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Welshgal1 · 03/01/2019 14:33

@MimiSunshine Apologies, didn't realise broken home was an offensive term. My parents are divorced so I come from one myself and was just an expression that I'd heard most of my life for such scenarios. My parents stayed together for far too much of my childhood when they didn't get along, and I'm happy they divorced in the end and yes I have managed just fine. However I do know of people who have come from such families and have struggled and that has had a negative impact on their mental health/childhood. I meant no offence, just that I wouldn't personally bring a child into a situation where it could negatively impact them, and ex's from what sounds like a very one-sided break up where neither have actually met someone else yet sounds like it has a lot of opportunities to go very wrong. Of course children bought into relationships could still end up in situations as such when parents split up, but the parents couldn't of predicted that going into it, whereas OP can.

to want another baby with my ex ?
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NeverHadANickname · 03/01/2019 14:34

I would do this if you are both happy with it. You never know what the future holds, you could have been in a relationship with someone since the split, had a baby and that person leaves never to see you or the child again. You would be on your own with no co parent. People manage perfectly well on their own with a baby or co parenting. I was looking in to having a baby when I was single.

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Crunchymum · 03/01/2019 14:34

How are you planning to conceive this baby? Going back to a sexual relationship would be a very, very bad idea.

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Mia1415 · 03/01/2019 14:36

I don't think you are crazy at all. I'd do it in your position.

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Willow1992 · 03/01/2019 14:38

I think it is fine but I would be looking at it as a sort of alternative to a sperm donor as a single parent arrangement, and not count on the prospect of co parenting since he has form for fucking off.

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