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AIBU?

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:

Report

VelociraptorRex · 18/12/2018 09:42

I'm so sorry you're going through this I think I saw our other post - is he named on the baby's birth certificate? If not, and you don't want him around, tell him to speak to a solicitor all he likes. I think you should have a chat to your health visitor too about how you feel - they'll give you lots of support

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:43

Yes he’s on the birth certificate :(
I feel ok mentally I don’t feel like ‘ I don’t I want to be here ‘ I have no idea when this text is from probably the middle of an argument- I’m just worried she’ll get taken off me now

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/12/2018 09:45

Oh bless you. He's trying to bully and intimidate you, which is vile. Tell him to do what he feels he wants to do and then don't engage with him further. You have offered totally reasonably contact for a tiny baby, and you have sought out appropriate help when you recognised you were feeling down. That will be held up as a positive in your favour, not a negative. What he is saying is empty threats to try to control you. Stay strong, and get your own legal advice if you can.

ElspethFlashman · 18/12/2018 09:46

He can show the solicitor all he likes, it makes no legal difference. The solicitor is going to peer at him as if to say "what the fuck do you want me to do with that mate?"

Solicitors send solicitors letters. They propose legal agreements, which nobody is bound to agree to. They are not judges or psychiatrists or social workers. They send letters. That's it.

So call his bluff, as he is SURELY calling yours.

Santaispackinghissleigh · 18/12/2018 09:47

He can't prove you didn't mean in a shop /queue /house /car.
Block him today.
Right now.

user1498854363 · 18/12/2018 09:47

Op, baby is 5 weeks, so young, it is perfectly acceptable for you to be there, he is being a bully. Stand firm for baby, you may have years of contact ahead of you and it will change as child grows and life happens.
You with baby is standard at this age. He is being silly and threatening.
Get support for you please. Good luck.

gamerchick · 18/12/2018 09:48

She's not going to be taken off you. They all pull that stunt to make you behave.

Tell him to go see his solicitor and that it would be best to go through the courts and while you're there can get CM sorted out at the same time.

I hope you've contacted the CM people to get this part sorted?

user1471462428 · 18/12/2018 09:49

What kind of man when he knows the mother of his child is feeling low threatens to remove her child from her. How are you feeding the baby?

FetchezLaVache · 18/12/2018 09:49

Just seen your user name - are you by any chance breastfeeding?

CantWaitToRetire · 18/12/2018 09:50

Keep that text from him because it's borderline blackmail and can be used against him. He's bullying you. Don't give in to his demands OP. It won't be in the best interests of your baby.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 18/12/2018 09:51

She won't be taken off you for that, she absolutely won't, not in a million years. I can't offer any practical advice, other than to keep his text. The fact that a) he didn't report it at the time and b) he's threatening to show it to a solicitor now, rather than going direct to SS, shows that he knows perfectly well you're not at risk of harming yourself. As he presumably knows you quite well, I'd say he's just shot himself in the foot. It will be clear to anyone who reads it that he's trying to manipulate you

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/12/2018 09:52

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are seeking support with the midwife team so you are doing everything right and it shouldn't outweigh the fact that the 5 week old should be with their primary carer the majority of the time. You haven't threatened to block his access so that counts in your favour. Are you BF? You have offered compromises and he is ignoring them. Tell him that he should do that if he thinks that is the right thing to do and you'll anticipate hearing from his solicitor, but until then, you'll continue asking him to build up his relationship with the baby before having them once they are old enough to be apart from you without it causing separation anxiety to the baby as the babies wellbeing is your priority.

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:52

I’m not breastfeeding no :(

OP posts:

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/12/2018 09:53

Oh and I'd mention the threat to your team as well.

AmayaBuzzbee · 18/12/2018 09:53

Your baby is only 5 weeks old. She doesn’t need to go anywhere with him, she needs to be with you, and you with her. You have offered contact at your place which is fine and all that is needed at this age. If he has her best interests at heart, he will be happy with this. If not, then he can go to solicitor.

This isn’t a police matter, if he calls social services, then that is likely to work to your advantage (they might offer you support). It is very common for new mothers to feel a bit down, don’t worry about this.. You did exactly the right thing by reaching out to midwives/health visitors. You have nothing to worry about.

Just make sure to keep all communication with him limited to organising baby contact at your place/ neutral place only. Do not get drawn into discussions about anything else. Keep it brief, and ask for help from health visitor if needed. If he keeps harassing you, you might want to contact the social services/ police yourself.

Congratulations on your baby!

KittyClaus · 18/12/2018 09:54

He can't prove you didn't mean in a shop /queue /house /car.

This.

Agree with previous posters. Tell him to go to a solicitor. It's going to be ok lovely, you've spoken to the midwife team, you've got support there and the ravings of a clearly bitter and threatening man aren't as important as he clearly thinks they are.

Also, PP is right - the legal advice will make it easier for maintenance to be sorted, which will obviously be a priority for him if he's so concerned about his daughter's welfare...

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/12/2018 09:57

I wouldn't bother replying. Is there anywhere (surestart group/baby group) you can go to today If he's likely to turn up and start trying to berate you?

FooFighter99 · 18/12/2018 09:59

Oh sweetheart, please don't let him bully you into anything.

Speak to your Health Visitor and tell her everything, get some support with this situation because as a new mum you'll be overwhelmed enough without this bastard threatening you!

You are doing an amazing job and putting your DD first, but remember to take care of yourself too

ElspethFlashman · 18/12/2018 10:01

Also every Mum gets "the baby blues". If anyone asks, that's all it was. It passed as it usually does, no big deal.

Continue on your course.

LittleOwl153 · 18/12/2018 10:02

You need to find someone you can talk this all through with. Call your midwife/health visitor, womens aid... someone who you can give all the details to and who can help. I would consider calling the police over that last text- it is harassment. But get yourself some real help.

It's a difficult thing to say but the reason people are asking about the breastfeeding is it can simplify things. If you are feeding it stops the arguments. Maybe something to talk to the midwife about? But that's not said to put you under more pressure.

He will not be able to take the baby at her age unless you are found to be harming her. Do not let him get in your head.

Take some proper advice but I would actually stop him from coming around unless you have someone else there as he will likely use this time to threaten you.

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 10:12

Thankyou everyone. I’ve now been discharged from the enhanced midwife team but I’ve rung her and left a message I’m sure she’ll ring back.
I just feel so concerned I want what’s best for her and now I’m being portrayed into an unfit mother and I’m really trying my best :(

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/12/2018 10:14

You know you're not even slightly an unfit mother. The person accusing you of that is wrong and is just doing it to try and scare you. Don't be scared, be angry at him for being so vile.

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/12/2018 10:20

I know anxiety can rocket over things like this. But you are showing that you are dealing with a completely normal hormonal post birth response, responsibily. You are offering contact. You are doing the right thing and putting your baby first. Keep offering contact on fair terms (which you are doing), if possible, have someone with you during contact for support/witness. It's hard and I don't envy you, but you can get through this.

AssignedNorthern · 18/12/2018 10:22

He is a vile bully OP, seriously what an awful human being. As others have said he is trying to get into your head and control you into giving him what he wants. You are in no way an unfit mother so please don't doubt yourself.

Foslady · 18/12/2018 10:23

I think if anything it’s showing more that he’s the unfit one - attempting to bully/blackmail an ex partner who sought medical assistance when in need?
A good solicitor will tear him a new one, please go to a solicitor ASAP and stop him in his tracks

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