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Partner expecting me to buy Christmas gifts for his entire family as well as our mutual friends.

(234 Posts)
giadak Mon 17-Dec-18 04:35:16

Hi all. I'm in a dilemma here - if you can call it that. I'm not overly close to my family - largely because I don't have a big family - and the remaining members have either moved/have their own families etc... There's no ill will, but we are just different.

I've been with my partner for 6-7 years. I always spend Christmas with my parents and he goes to spend Christmas with his family in the countryside. His family is larger and he has lots of elderly relatives, so we both think it is important that he spends time with them - and I spend time with my family. We have our own mini Christmas too obviously, but usually on Boxing Day. I have been to his side of the family, but around Christmas time as opposed to the actual day (25th) as I like to be back in the city by then.

Anyway; I like to plan gifts - as in make a list of gift recipients, figure out what I want to get for them, then shop online - or if I can't get it online; I'll go out and buy it. Saves a lot of time and hassle. We did the list together this year - and all was fine. We then started to shop online on both our laptops respectively.

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents.

He sent me a list of things that they'd like - but I'm unsure as to what exactly he is contributing. He has a LOT of his own money - and I'm good with money on too. However; he feels that because I'm 'better' at gift-buying that he's going to leave it all to me. The total cost of the gifts that I'm 'supposed' to buy round up to around £700 whereas the cost of 'his' gifts came up to £200.

Bear in mind; I'm not even spending upwards of £700 on myself nor my own family members! Also, I'm not overly close to his family. I understand that he wants the gifts to be from both of us, but he's not buying a single thing for my family members - nor has he asked me what I'd like this year - which is frankly nothing at this point.

AIBU to think it's outrageous to spend so much on his family?!

No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.

Skinnydecafflatte Mon 17-Dec-18 04:43:11

I’m sorry but WTF??!!!
He’s getting you to buy presents for his family and take all the glory and leave you with the bill? The short answer is ‘No’!

JoyceDivision Mon 17-Dec-18 04:44:27

Email / hand the list back with a firm no!

shouldwestayorshouldwego Mon 17-Dec-18 04:45:06

Just laugh and say if he leaves it to you they will get a cheap Boots set of smellies each or a pair of socks. Don't do it, it's not your job. Ask him for a copy of wifework book for Christmas!

Urbanbeetler Mon 17-Dec-18 04:45:26

Just stop! Don’t do it. He is expecting you to do it doesn’t mean you do it!! Stop being a doormat and acting like his desire means inevitability.

Festeringpumpkininnards Mon 17-Dec-18 04:45:30

YANBU. He is roping you into doing"wife work" and then getting you to pay for the privilege as well?! Not on!

My DH bought and wrapped all the presents for his family this weekend all whilst looking after our DDs aged 4 and 5 whilst i was ay work. This however is a new development. Previously I've taken responsibility for doing his family too, but in recent years realised I got the blame when birthdays and anniversaries etc have been forgotten so I've stopped completely and he manages perfectly fine. I suggest you do the same.

Notaprimeminister Mon 17-Dec-18 04:46:39

That is outrageous! You absolutely cannot go along with that plan!

The only way I would even consider doing that is if you have pooled your resources and have joint accounts. THEN I would expect him to pick up the slack elsewhere. Since it doesn't sound like you have joint accounts for this kind of thing, this request (more like demand) is completely out of line.

It would be reasonable to ask for your help in choosing gifts for his family, but not to do it all AND pay for it. It would also be within the realms of reasonable to ask you to take care of mutual friends gifts, as long as he contributed half of the cost.

Get him to clarify whether he expects you to pay for it and then let him know how out of line he is.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 17-Dec-18 04:46:49

Tell him no fgs.

Tell him it’s his responsibility.

Who cares if your Santa Claus at the expert Christmas choosing its not your responsibility or your family.

He sounds like he’s offloading the expense and mental and physical load to you.

Don’t do it.

And tell him you are not doing it.

HyggeHeart Mon 17-Dec-18 04:47:11

No!! He's being a tight, lazy arse. He can do his family. Buy and wrap!

MimiSunshine Mon 17-Dec-18 04:47:57

A simple “im sticking to I buy for mine and you buy for yours” should do it.

How exactly are you going to be better at buying them the gifts if he’s already listed what they like? Tell him to just buy that stuff

Atleastihavethecat Mon 17-Dec-18 04:48:44

No. We have joint finances now, but when we had separate finances, dp did his lot and I did mine. I might have done a bit of the actual shopping, but he paid for it.

TheDowagerCuntess Mon 17-Dec-18 04:49:34

* No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.*

'No doubt' what??

No doubt nothing. You'll only be left to do it, if you do it. confused So don't do it.

I don't buy DH's family's gifts and we've been married for eons and I like them.

TheDowagerCuntess Mon 17-Dec-18 04:51:20

Are you scared of him, OP?

Why aren't you just giving him an incredulous look and telling him he's deeply mistaken ?

BouleBaker Mon 17-Dec-18 04:59:15

You “should” do his jobs for him? Bollocks to that.

Urbanbeetler Mon 17-Dec-18 05:04:32

It’s you passivity and blind acceptance which bothers me. What’s that about?

Shadow1234 Mon 17-Dec-18 05:11:49

How absurd! What normally happens regarding his family christmas presents? Does he normally pay for them himself?
Im sorry, but I would tell him to take a hike!

giadak Mon 17-Dec-18 05:12:52

Thank you for the responses! Much appreciated.

Guess I forgot to mention a few things which might 'help' in some shape or form.

Basically, he knows I love Christmas - and everything that comes with it. I especially love magical it can be and all that good stuff.

With that said, there's always someone running around and getting the food ready etc... always family dramas or last minute panic too. Traffic, illnesses, issues etc... you name it - it all also occurs around this time of year. These things happen to all of us.

In his warped mind; he feels like he's doing me a favour as I get to do Christmass-y things - but he fails to realise that it also costs time, effort and money.

I'm financially better off than he is - and he knows this, but I'm also not an ATM!

Ethel36 Mon 17-Dec-18 05:17:05

You know this is wrong. Stand up for yourself and just say no.

Kitkatbar2018 Mon 17-Dec-18 05:21:16

How did he think he was doing you a favour by asking you to slog over what is his responsibility and think it will be magical for you - oh not forgetting that “magical” experience of paying for everything....... please nip in bud otherwise this could be the beginning of many “magical” experiences for you he will come up with like forever!!! Don’t do it OP - laugh and pretend it was a good joke!!

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 17-Dec-18 05:22:36

I’d give him a choice. Either he pays for gifts alone and sorts them all out. Including wrapping. Or you will give him some suggestions for him to source on Amazon. That way he can pay for them to be individually gift wrapped and delivered to your family address if time is an issue. Job done. Paying for amazon prime could be a good idea.

If you want to, you can choose to sit together in front of the lap top / iPad. But that would be your choice.

Kitkatbar2018 Mon 17-Dec-18 05:23:16

And then remind him of your boundaries!

TidyDancer Mon 17-Dec-18 05:28:38

I don't have a problem shopping for DP's family but I wouldn't pay for the privilege! Like in the OP, DP has a massive family (three much older siblings who all have grandchildren by now so it's a very big family!) and I have a smaller close family. I will help him but I won't bloody pay for it.

The only way his perspective would be in any way understandable is if he pays for the lions share of expenses throughout the year and you have significant financial means but haven't contributed as much. I still don't think that would make his view acceptable but I could perhaps understand where he was coming from. Failing that, tell him to fuck off.

MimiSunshine Mon 17-Dec-18 05:29:18

WTF is magical about doing someone else’s Christmas shopping, wrapping and spending £700 for the privilege?

Especially this close to the event. No, just no. If he says “but I thought you loved all that stuff”. Just tell him you do love Christmas, but you’re still not doing his shopping for him

NotANotMan Mon 17-Dec-18 05:31:12

I don't get this. He's made a list but he expects you to go ahead and spend your time and money ordering the gifts? How about no? Tell him you'll wrap them (if you want to wrap them obviously) but why would you order and pay for them?! This makes no sense

OhWotIsItThisTime Mon 17-Dec-18 05:35:20

Tinkly laugh, head tilt and a ‘no, that doesn’t work for me.’

Or simply tell him to fuck off.

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