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AIBU?

To feel very very angry.

46 replies

Grammarist · 17/12/2018 02:33

I'm furious. I'm seriously massively at the wanting to flip stage
I've staying with my parents for the weekend and my DF has been off in one all weekend. Apparently he hates how I come in to his house and 'make demands everywhere'.
I tried to clarify what he meant and got nowhere apart from him saying how much he hates how I 'demand' that we change things because of the children.
From what I can figure out, he's pissed of that when I visit he has to adjust his routine to factor in two very young children.

He hates how we have to feed them earlier.
He hates that they make noise.
He hates that they have baths in his bathroom.
He hates that they play with toys in his absolutely enormous house.
He hates that they stay in rooms that he never uses (and therefore doesn't affect him)
He hates that they go in to say hi to him when he's in another room.

My mum was so so angry with him. He basically made out that he never wants us to come again. My kids are actually really quite sweet and well behaved so I know it's not them just being dicks. He really has a massive issue with change.

This makes me very very concerned. Alzheimer's runs in his family and I'm wondering if he's going down the same route. He had kids. There were lots of us and he never behaved like this...

OP posts:

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2018 02:37

Is your father taking any medication?

Mummylife2018 · 17/12/2018 02:46

Go NC. Definitely keep your kids well & truly AWAY from this man. Seriously. Monster

Grammarist · 17/12/2018 02:51

He is taking medication and I'm really concerned. He's always been controlling and had a temper but this is just so very different.
I agree that his behaviour is monstrous but it's not his norm. I'm definitely going to be protecting my children from this as something has changed.

OP posts:

Grammarist · 17/12/2018 02:53

However he loves them hugely. It's like jekyll and Hyde. Does anyone have experience with Alzheimer's or dementia? Is this ringing any alarm bells??

OP posts:

liqorice · 17/12/2018 02:55

Yeah my grandfather is a bit like that with my dc. Old people can't tolerate noise... even normal kid noise

Grammarist · 17/12/2018 02:57

I think we won't stay here again. Might have to book a hotel and stay for a shorter period of time. Then it's not too full on and might alleviate some of his reasons for annoyance. Or he then might find something else to focus on to complain about. Who knows!

OP posts:

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/12/2018 03:00

Some blood pressure meds can cause issues. This is one for your mum to address as she will have noticed if there is a pattern..meanwhile probably best fir all involved if contact is at your house so he can take himself off for a walk, to another room, home, if it all gets too much.

ShiningSally · 17/12/2018 03:02

I wouldn't be going back anytime soon, sounds like he hates you all. Can your mum visit/stay with you by herself and leave him at home?

Botanica · 17/12/2018 03:12

Some people's level of tolerance and ability to cope with the chaos and noise changes as they get older.

My own mother used to have my sister's kids to stay for a week at a time but now it's too much to have them around. They are just kids being kids, and she doesn't love them any less, but her ability to put up with the pace and intensity has diminished. Nothing related to medical issues either.

I think you should respect his wishes and cut back the visits. It's clearly too much for him to have you all stay in the house, irrespective of its size, so I'd be staying in a hotel, and spending time together on neutral ground whilst out for the day, or else limited visits to a few hours at a time.

It's sad, and incredibly frustrating, but it's his home and you should take the feedback and respect his wishes.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2018 03:15

I'm wondering if he's having adverse effects from his medications. It's very common.

Purpleartichoke · 17/12/2018 03:20

We always stay in a hotel now after my Father went into a snit one visit. Having our own space makes the visits go better and I don’t want my dd to think it is ok to bbe treated like he was treating us.

Sooveritg · 17/12/2018 03:33

You say he was a nice Dad, and you also say your kids aren't menaces.
So I would be thinking something else.

Aaaahfuck · 17/12/2018 03:43

Your kids will pick up on his awful attitude so you're right to protect them from it. Could you just have your mum to stay with you instead in future? You're right to be angry could you go back home tomorrow?

234DeckTheHalls · 17/12/2018 05:47

If this is out of character then you are right to be worried. DM needs to keep note of any more changes in behaviour.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 17/12/2018 05:50

MIL was like this. Was start of Alzheimer’s. If it’s change of character then yes I’d be worried.

Grasslands123 · 17/12/2018 05:52

Before I got to the last paragraph I’m sorry to say I thought dementia/Alzheimer’s.

My Aunt was like this. She became more and more unreaonable noise and mess etc and it was so sad as she was such a lovely, kind lady and she would have been mortified if she was aware what she was doing.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 17/12/2018 06:02

Ah, your poor mom. Was he ok before? (I assume you have stayed there before?) it does sound like there is something not quite right there. His feelings are absolutely fair enough, but if this is new then it is a cause for alarm.

Mayrhofen · 17/12/2018 06:18

My dad has Alzheimer's and has had for five years. He would get angry over silly things but never with the grandchildren. He still loves children, but it affects people differently. Anti depressant medication improved his mood swings immensely and has made his condition more tolerable for my mum.

If your dad has always been controlling with a temper, it appears these traits are being exaggerated as he ages and his tolerance level reduces.

I'd be inclined to tell the miserable fucker you aren't coming to see him again and take mum to yours. Or suggest he sees a doctor.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/12/2018 06:44

Go NC. Definitely keep your kids well & truly AWAY from this man. Seriously. Monster

A tad hysterical

tomhazard · 17/12/2018 07:08

My dad is like this. He lived overseas and was desperate for us to visit when DD was a baby, she was 11 months.
He complained about the early mornings, noise, inability of DD to eat late, occasional crying. He wanted to take pics but not spend any real time with her. This from a man who had 4 kids.
I think he is just so far past young kids he finds it irritating so we stick to pics only now and I've never taken both kids to see him!
My mum and dad are divorced and fortunately my mum is the opposite

GoatFinger · 17/12/2018 07:20

Yeah my dad was like this when I stayed at my parents while visiting. Nil patience. Nil common sense as to 2year old behaviour I.e. put away batteries and anything you don't want touched that's previous.

Turns out it was the start of dementia. He's extremely unwell now.
If this is out of character I would keep an eye out for other signs.

justilou1 · 17/12/2018 07:25

Your poor mother! Is he like this when you're not there? Maybe she can come and stay with you and leave him at home!

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Troels · 17/12/2018 07:44

It could well be dementia kicking in. If he's on any medication, you mum needs to get him into the doctors under the guise of a medication review. Then hopefully memory clinic.
Other than that I'd be keeping the kids away from him and keeping close tabs on his behaviour.

StoppinBy · 17/12/2018 07:47

Alzheimers runs in our family too, I suggest you speak to your Mum and see if he has changed in other ways too.

Protect your kids but if he does have Alzheimers I would try and involve them in his life in some way that works for all of you. I hate to think that this could happen to me and I would never get to see my GK when it's something that can't be helped.

PrimeraVez · 17/12/2018 07:47

Last summer we stayed with my mum and step-dad when we were visiting the UK (we are expats in the ME) To be clear, they have always encouraged us to visit, make a big thing about how much they miss us, wish we could stay longer etc etc. Out of nowhere, on this particular visit, my step-dad turned into a complete and utter dick. Huffing and puffing about the mess, the noise, the change to his usual routine etc. DS was 2, so a bit of a whirlwind, but we always make a big effort to be considerate of the fact that this is their home, we are guests etc.

But it was absolutely hideous. Especially given that the reason we were back in the UK was because MIL had suddenly died and DH was arranging her funeral

I have no idea what caused it but I will never forgive him for it. Or my mother for standing by and saying 'oh you know how he is.'

As a result, we have greatly reduced the frequency of trips to the UK and I make way less effort to be accommodating and 'Super Host' when they come and stay with us.

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