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AIBU to be so frigging angry with DH

(66 Posts)
AngryLittleWildChild Mon 17-Dec-18 01:35:52

DH has had a long history of shit in his life culminating in severe depression, suicide attempts this year and alcohol abuse.

Have taken him to see numerous doctors about his depression and he is now on medication that seems to be working.

The alcohol issue has been spoken about on various occasions and I've told him it needs to stop. He did stop for three weeks then reverted to drinking every other day and then slowly increases back to a bottle per night.

Last month he made DC cry by telling them that 'mummy doesn't love us, you will have a new daddy soon' whilst drunk. I went nuclear the next day and told him this was unacceptable and he had to stop or he would be leaving I will not allow my DC to be brought up around this.

Flash forward to This evening and he has Drunk himself into a mess and thrown up all over our bed resulting in me now having to change duvets, sheets, pillows, mattress toppers the lot.

I know he is unwell with depression and I know alcoholism is an addiction with which he needs help to stop but I can't take this anymore! He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC but once he has had a drink he just turns into this extremely unpleasant being that I can't bare to be around and I refuse to let this be mine and DC's life.

I want to support him, I want him to be better but they have to come first.

Catmum26 Mon 17-Dec-18 01:40:44

leave him. at least for now until he sorts his shit out. you are right your kids come first and he clearly can’t see that or else he wouldn’t be behaving how he is. hopefully you leaving will be the kick up the backside he needs. and if not then at least your kids aren’t growing up around it. i grew up around an alcoholic as my mum married one. in the end it ruined mine and hers relationship for my whole teenage years and we have only just started to get it back now 15 years later. you love him so it will be hard but you need to protect your kids.

Weezol Mon 17-Dec-18 01:43:16

He needs to move out. I say this as someone with eight years sobriety.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 17-Dec-18 01:45:22

You want to support him but you can't help him. This is all his responsibility. Don't allow him to destroy your life and that of your children. I would tell him to leave immediately.

TeaPot496 Mon 17-Dec-18 01:45:44

Alanon - for families / friends of alcoholics: www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Invaluable support. You can't change it, you can't control it. HE needs to. You need to look after yourself and your DC.

busybarbara Mon 17-Dec-18 01:46:15

He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC

Good, what he needs to do is get help and sober up whatever it takes.

Purpleartichoke Mon 17-Dec-18 01:48:08

As the child of an alcoholic, please protect your children above all else. It isn’t your job to fix him. It is your job to become a momma bear and shield them from the harm he is doing to them.

aintnopartylikeansclubparty Mon 17-Dec-18 01:51:04

My dad's dad was an alcoholic. My dad as an adult hated both his parents. His dad for drinking and his mum for enabling it. I think he actually hated his mum more, and was barely speaking to her.
I'd tell him to leave op.

SilverLining10 Mon 17-Dec-18 01:53:05

Nah hes ruining your kids and your lives in the meantime. Leave him. Your kids are way too important than you trying to help him. If he is as great as you say he is then he will try to change for you and the DC.

FishFingersAndCustard11 Mon 17-Dec-18 01:53:10

Your child comes first. He has started saying hurtful things to your child. You don't need to end the relationship, just get him to move out and get help.

giftsonthebrain Mon 17-Dec-18 01:55:58

If he really really was loving and willing to do anything for you, he would.
Sadly de doesn’t want to.
Seperate till he sobers up.

tildaMa Mon 17-Dec-18 02:05:22

He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC

Why won't he stop drinking for you and DC then?

AngryLittleWildChild Mon 17-Dec-18 02:08:59

Tbh I think he uses the drink to help him fall asleep, art of his depression is severe insomnia. I've been hoping once the depression starts to lift we could work on the drink but I don't think I can stick this out anymore

LittlePaintBox Mon 17-Dec-18 02:12:43

I have a friend who was married to an alcoholic. She stuck with him because she believed he couldn't cope on his own, even though her life was completely miserable. Eventually he left her for someone else. Sadly, he died a couple of years after this of complications arising from his alcoholism.

Unfortunately, only he can save himself from his disease, you need to look after yourself and your children.

Weezol Mon 17-Dec-18 02:17:01

Alcohol is a depressant.

You may not realise it, but you are enabling his drinking. He gets to wake up in a clean bed tomorrow - zero consequences.

He needs to be in place on his own where, if he makes a mess like this, he wakes up in it. Where there is no-one doing the laundry, filling the fridge and making sure that the bills are paid.

AngryLittleWildChild Mon 17-Dec-18 02:23:56

I think if I'm honest the o my reason he is still in this house is I can't bare the thought of him committing suicide which is a very real possibility with how he has been this year.

In reality if I look at our situation I genuinely dont think I do love him anymore, but he is DC's father and I wouldnt want to take that away DC absolutely adore him

AngryLittleWildChild Mon 17-Dec-18 02:26:27

Only*

tildaMa Mon 17-Dec-18 02:27:31

he is DC's father and I wouldnt want to take that away

But it's already him taking it away from DC, one bottle at a time.

TeaPot496 Mon 17-Dec-18 02:32:31

You are not responsible for him. If he kills himself it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do or could have done. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your child NOW.

I notice you say "we could work on the drink", "Have taken him to see numerous doctors". He's not your child, you can't change him - he has to be the one doing it himself, 100%, and he might or might not succeed.

You can't make it right for your child. Your child is already getting hurt.

I'm sorry x

TeaPot496 Mon 17-Dec-18 02:34:43

Addicts frequently don't change until they hit rock bottom, alone.

Santasushi Mon 17-Dec-18 02:35:43

Another with an alcoholic parent. My mum left my dad after years of trying to ‘fix’ him.
He didn’t want fixing.
I had never not known him to be drunk. He was my dad, that’s just how he was. I didn’t realise until my teens that other people’s dads weren’t like him. He was never nasty just a mess.
We had the suicide attempts too. We weren’t a protective factor. That hurt.

Years later we are really close, he has stopped drinking. I am really proud of him.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 17-Dec-18 02:38:44

You do realise that every time he kicks off, every time he makes them cry, every time they see the drunk him, he is hurting them and you are not stopping it? That is what they will remember. You see posts like this on MN all the time "Mum didnt want to split the family up, but I wish she had...."

The alternative is that they remember Mummy making sure that they were safe and happy while Daddy (hopefully) dealt with his addiction.

Its up to you. flowers

delboysskinandblister Mon 17-Dec-18 02:46:01

As hard as it is to hear tough love is the option now. You have to put yourself and dc first. It will actually help DH more than what you are doing currently. I do feel for you and I wish you and your family every success. You know what you have to do. Start with AlAnon as pp said. They will give you real life support. You do need this don't go it alone.flowers

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Dec-18 02:50:14

He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC but once he has had a drink he just turns into this extremely unpleasant being that I can't bare to be around and I refuse to let this be mine and DC's life.

The alcohol doesn't turn him into an extremely unpleasant being it's who he is. The alcohol makes the mask slip.

Juanbablo Mon 17-Dec-18 02:53:26

You need to leave him. Or he needs to leave. My dad was an alcoholic. Don't put your kids through that.

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