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To need a friend who makes me laugh?

(10 Posts)
Caulimademedoit Sun 16-Dec-18 15:41:29

Many threads on here about friends who are not supportive enough or ghosting people...

Made me think that after talking to people on the mental health profession as I work with many of them but I am not one myself ... it was clear that taking to people who are always loom and gloom and focusing on their own problems is very draining.
Their advise is always up stay clear by the people draining you of the energy and spend time with uplifting people who give you the right type of energy.

The more I get older the more I realise this to be true and for my own sanity and my immediate family I try to distance from those that are always moaning and try to offload on you instead of looking for professional help.
If I have serous problems I try to talk about them to people I pay to listen to me and thatvare trained to give me help.
I might need a moan now and then but I try to take the edge off it by balancing it with some fun conversation.
Everyone can go through a bad patch ... I am talking about the people who for years and years moan or talk about their problems incessantly like there’s no way out an don’t try any professional help counting on friends to listen to them all the time.
I know I am going to be flamed ... but am I really unreasonable to try to avoid people that drain me and might make me a version of themselves... always focusing on the negative?

Loopytiles Sun 16-Dec-18 15:46:11

If you find you don’t enjoy a friend’s company for months or (you say here) years it’s not U to reduce or stop contact.

Your comment about paying for therapy is U though: most people can’t afford to pay for good, private “talking therapies”, eg £50 hour.

RebelWitchFace Sun 16-Dec-18 15:54:06

If you don't enjoy their company(for whatever reason) it's not U to end the friendship.
And if you only want positive people then don't waste your time and other people's by getting with people that don't fit the profile. Ofc you might end up with some fair weather only friends..but that's the risk.

PurpleDaisies Sun 16-Dec-18 15:58:12

Different friends have different roles at different times of life. Drains can become radiators, radiators can become drains. As long as you’ve got a mix, things usually balance out.
I know I’ve definitely been both over the years.

Thatsalovelycuppatea Sun 16-Dec-18 16:09:06

I had a friend like this. Lovely girl but lazy about taking responsibility for her depression. I encouraged her, read her whinging messages on messenger and felt drained. Because I thought she was genuine, I asked her one day to monitor her complaining and her reaction was to ignore my request and call me a bad friend on Facebook.
I have since blocked her and my therapist is noticing an improvement in my anxiety scores since cutting her out so I think what you say is definitely true to a capital T.

Caulimademedoit Sun 16-Dec-18 17:01:34

Agree that privately paid counselling is dear, however there is a reason why there is a cost. Just because we are friends I am not offering a free counselling service.
I.e. if you run out of something and you are my friend I wouldn’t bat an eye lid if you asked me to lend stuff. I wouldn’t even want it back if it’s not of huge value. I am a generous person.
However if you are constantly in debt and expect me to support you at my own loss then I will draw a line. I might help you to fib ways to get an income, benefits etc etc to come out of your situation but - like in itsalovelycupoftea example, you expect to be bailed by me all the times and do not make any effort to come out of your situation then I will cut the string. And the friend will call me stingy!?

Giving energy and time is not that much different... just because you don’t see it or touch it doesn’t mean it’s not very precious

Caulimademedoit Sun 16-Dec-18 17:03:25

I might help you to find! Not fib grin ways to get an income!!!

RebelWitchFace Sun 16-Dec-18 17:34:27

If you can't you can't.
If you don't want to, it's your choice .

But it's not always as straightforward as asking for help. Especially not with how underfunded mental health is in this country and the complex issues some people might have. There are plenty of posts in the mental health board where people have tried everything and still left in a bad way. You can feel their desperation.

I'll give you some more examples.

A being raped and then dealing with the aftermath. Took her a while to come forward and approach the authorities . Took 2 years to even go to court and in the meantime she was told any form of therapy would muddy the waters. She did get help after, diagnosed complex PTSD and two more years on she's finally on the other side of the deep hell she was in. But it took 5 years of moans,rants, deep depression,panic attacks etc that her friends supported her through. For 3 of those years she had nothing else.

B struggles deeply with anxiety and depression. She also has a deep mistrust of MH HCP because when she did ask for help as a teen(admitting she was abused as a father) they told her mother,sided with her and she ended up institutionalised. Not to mention the forced medication episode with the psychotic side effects which meant she jumped out of a window believing she can fly. That kind of fear,mistrust and vulnerability are not easy to overcome no matter how many people tell her to go see a GP. She has a few friends she trusts with it all and that's it.

C has a history of self harm, being laughed at,disbelieved,mocked,being called stupid. She has a background that drummed into her that mental health issues are either for the "mental asylum people" or bored housewives. She developed other coping mechanisms and is mainly ok but can get incredibly insecure and low. There's no way in hell she'd lay it all out in front of someone official. Most people think she's one of the happiest people ever.

However , if people are dicks that has nothing to do with their mental health. All the people I mentioned aren't dicks or just take take take so I'm happy to be their friend and support them,even if sometimes it's a bit much. They would and have done the same for me,even if less often as I'm mostly ok . And we still laugh and joke and enjoy some things together, but it takes effort on both our parts.

Aprilsinparis Sun 16-Dec-18 19:05:02

I worked with a lady who had mental health issues, but I didn't have a clue, she used to make me cry with laughter. I really, really miss her, she had a nervous breakdown, and had to give up work. She completely cut herself off from everybody, and wouldn't leave the house. We have lost touch, and I miss her. She never ever hinted at the mental issues she had, she was such a joker.

Caulimademedoit Sun 16-Dec-18 19:26:59

Probably is a personality trait / down to genetics or a learned behaviour but some people are more prone than others at focusing on the negatives.
Rebelwithface, I get that some people have mh issues and are unluckier than others, but I am referring in particular to those friends who have a lifestyle similar to yours but will spend hours focusing on their woes.

One of my friends would tell you how crap her life was without money and that her husband was sick so they were always on the verge of being destitute according to her.
However she didn’t work to look after the family, her kids are all grown ups and have food partners / jobs and are healthy. They have a beautiful and expensive mortgage free house they could sell anc buy smaller place and go on holidays but have decided they need to help their kids and keep the house as an investment to help them get a deposit for their own house. She will tell you in tears how much she worries about things, how they can never afford a holiday or a meal out and of course the husband has to work while not feeling well.

This has been going on for the last 20 years. The kids are now in their late 20s/ early 30s. And while I was happy to listen 10 years ago now I distance myself because I am always told I am so lucky I work full time, my husband is healthy and we can afford little holidays and going out...etc etc but no mention of the fact that we still have a mortgage and young kids and spend a fortune on childcare. No way to argue..her logic is that because I am always smiling and look happy I must have an easy life!

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