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Is DP being degrading?

(37 Posts)
asob Sun 16-Dec-18 15:38:38

Name changed for this.

I went to leave the house before, it's raining.
I put on a white long sleeved t-shirt and he started looking me up and down, turning his nose up and muttering under his breath 'pouring down outside but okay...'
I obviously put on a coat and zipped it but he was still turning his nose up and when I'd ask what his problem was, would be like 'nothing' and sarcastically laugh.
It's not the first time he makes a comment about stuff I've been wearing, he has previously got arsey if my top is a bit baggy or if I don't wear a bra even under a few layers.

Is this degrading??? To be honest I don't even know where to start with this with him because I believe it's awful behaviour and attitude from a man and he just doesn't accept it, or will apologise and do the same in a few weeks.


MogThoughtDarkThoughts Sun 16-Dec-18 15:43:34

Dunno about degrading but it sounds bloody rude and intended to undermine you. Certainly not something I would expect to hear from someone I’ve chosen to build a life with. Also, passive aggressive behaviour is deeply, deeply annoying.

Fairenuff Sun 16-Dec-18 15:48:08

Christ the things people have to ask. He is obviously not a loving, caring partner OP. Yes I'm sure he has his good bits, blah, blah, blah but there is no way I would be with someone like that. Degrading, rude, arrogant, insulting, bullying, pathetic knob just about sums him up. But you know, if you like him...

asob Sun 16-Dec-18 15:48:07

@MogThoughtDarkThoughts thanks for your reply. I agree.

marvellousnightforamooncup Sun 16-Dec-18 15:52:07

Snidey, judgy comments are not something I'd want from a partner. Mine wouldn't ever do that and I wouldn't to him. If I was making a huge fashion faux pas he might tell me in a kindly, jokey way but not this passive aggressive rudeness.

asob Sun 16-Dec-18 15:53:20

@marvellousnightforamooncup I completely agree with that too. Feels controlling in this sense when it happens.

jessstan2 Sun 16-Dec-18 15:53:51

He is rude.
Does he always wear clothes that you like?
Not his business.

OneStepSideways Sun 16-Dec-18 15:55:31

I don't think it's degrading, I would be puzzled if my DH only wore a long sleeved tshirt under his coat in cold wet weather. I'd suggest he put a vest under it or a jumper on top.
Do you complain about being cold?

I'd ask him to clarify why he said it before assuming it was degrading. My DH and I sometimes make suggestions about each other's outfits, especially if we've dressed in a rush or going to a social event.

sackrifice Sun 16-Dec-18 15:55:47


What is his problem exactly?

sackrifice Sun 16-Dec-18 15:57:22

* I would be puzzled if my DH only wore a long sleeved tshirt under his coat in cold wet weather.*'d be confused round my house as I went to the allotment with just that today. What is puzzling about it exactly?

asob Sun 16-Dec-18 15:57:40

@sackrifice I'm assuming it's the same problems as wearing a baggy top or no bra, too revealing when a thin shirt gets wet (although I was clearly going to put a coat on)!

Ifangyow Sun 16-Dec-18 16:02:18

Next time he does that, just shrug and ask, 'Problem?'
If he says what the problem is, just shrug again and repeat, ' As i said, problem?'
Then carry on your own merry way.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit Sun 16-Dec-18 16:03:31

He sounds like a twat. Clearly you weren't going to go outside with just a top on, so whatever you were wearing underneath your coat didn't matter. And even if you were wearing a luminous green Grinch costume/nothing/two thermal layers it's your own fucking business, you are an adult and are capable of dressing yourself. Do you have form for not wearing a coat and complaining about being wet or cold?

My DH, for example, is in desperate need of a haircut. He looks like Alfred from the Last Kingdom and not in a good way. We had a conversation about it. I asked if he was going to get a haircut. He said no. I asked again a few weeks later and pointed out the unflattering resemblance to various people. He said he still didn't want a haircut. I haven't mentioned it since. Because he's a grown up and if he wants to look like a twat that's up to him.

asob Sun 16-Dec-18 16:04:06

Honestly, that's pretty much exactly how it went, but I just can't let it go. I feel like it's so rude and don't even know how to approach the subject. I have a DS and would be disappointed if he thought it was ever okay to have that attitude with a girl about anything she wore!

asob Sun 16-Dec-18 16:05:17

I had a bit of a giggle at your story there! Thank you for cheering me up slightly! 😂

I pretty much always wear a coat as soon as it hits winter. I don't complain about being cold too often.

BollockingBaubles Sun 16-Dec-18 16:11:38

I've been out today with no coat on. I wore a jumper and no vest. Dh has just a T-shirt and his scruffy work clothes. Trousers tucked into socks too.

We're both adults and don't need telling what to wear in certain weathers. Id be puzzled if dh thought I needed him to tell me how to dress and would point out I'm not a child if he told me I should put a vest on. I can't imagine me ever telling a grown man he needs to wear a vest either. I don't tell my 13 year old dd wear a vest because she's past the point of needing that level of input in dressing herself tbh.

Obv if we're going to a formal meal and he planned on wearing his ripped work cammos and steel toe caps I'd maybe suggest a suit and tie or whatever but I'd be direct about it.

Your dh was arsey and sounds like he didn't want you to wear what you chose for yourself and because he knows he'd sound like a twat, decided to make you self conscious instead.

AnoukSpirit Sun 16-Dec-18 16:13:37

It's coercive control.

Is he like this with other things? Although you might find that tricky to answer if you've grown used to it.

diddl Sun 16-Dec-18 16:15:49

He sounds horribly sneery.

Atm I have on a tshirt, long sleeved tshirt & cardigan.

My husband has a tshirt.

If either of us were to go out, we'd put on whatever coat/jacket we felt appropriate.

All of this with no comment necessary!

TornFromTheInside Sun 16-Dec-18 16:17:08

I don't think he was judging the style of clothing, but the comment 'it's raining outside, but ok' made it seem like he was questioning how warm you'd be (or dry).

Regardless, you're a grown woman, you don't need supervision on what to wear in wet weather.

LordNibbler Sun 16-Dec-18 16:27:11

You're a grown up and can wear whatever you choose. How is it any of his business? Is he the clothes police? I'd tell him to mind his own fucking business and send him on his way. For good.

FairyBunnyAgain Sun 16-Dec-18 16:35:08

Today I have walked to the postbox in just a long sleeve t-shirt and baggy (too big jeans) DH only concern was that I didn't want to take a key so he would have to let me back in. It wasn't raining here and most of the time I don't feel he cold.

We even went out again later to the local town, still wearing the same outfit and no make up. DH put on his jacket but didn't comment on my t-shirt or lack of coat.

DC are now adult and they are allowed out in whatever they like too, and have been since they were old enough to make sensible decisions.

We are normal if that helps OP

blackteasplease Sun 16-Dec-18 16:36:21

My exh was a bit like this. I think he did it because he knew I get anxious about wearing the wrong thing for the weather. So then I'd say "oh what shall i put on"" and he says "I'm not.your mother I'm not telling you". Where as if he's said nothing I wouldn't have worried!

Jux Sun 16-Dec-18 18:24:40

It seems pa to me, very controlling. It's worked - you're worried and unsure. It's designed to wrong-foot you; you don't know what's wrongbecause he has refused to actually say, but you believe that something is wrong. It's pretty nasty.

The best response is to completely ignore hi and do whatever you intended to do just as you intended to do it and not give hinte thought. Easier said than done, agreed.

What do you think he'd do if you called him out on it? "Are you trying to wrong foot me, darling? No? Good."

Jux Sun 16-Dec-18 18:26:14

"hinte" is "him another" btw. MN is almost impossible to post on these days.

MrsTerryPratcett Sun 16-Dec-18 18:30:26

Does he talk to you like that generally? Because it sounds horrible.

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