Is Dh over reacting(102 Posts)
Dh has got up and gone to sleep in the spare room. The reason being...dd (2) woke up coughing at 1am and i still like to have the monitor on so we both woke up (monitor was on half volume next to me) and he hasn't been able to get back to sleep because of it.
He hasn't slept well recently as he has been working nights and has averaged about 5-6 hours sleep a day so i get he is sleep deprived. I have some anxiety around keeping the monitor on as dd sleeps on a different floor to us and we sleep with the door shut.
I'm having counselling for the anxiety and as a compromise we agreed to turn the volume down but dh this morning has told me that he'll now deal with it by smashing the monitor up.
He's also annoyed that i went straight back to sleep after dd finished coughing.
He's tired and annoyed that he was woken up. Be nice to him. He'll get over it. And turn the monitor down lower.
Yes he is. I’m averaging less than 5 hours sleep a night due to my sleep dodging 6 month old and I manage not to threaten to smash things up. Nor do I have a go at my dp for being able to sleep, I’m glad one of us is.
I don’t have anxiety and in your situation I would likely want to keep the monitor on as well, depending on child’s age. It’s common sense if they’re not old enough to come and alert you to any issues, especially if they’re on a separate floor. Smashing it up is hardly going to help your feelings of anxiety is it? Nor I suspect is living with a man who is taking his anger/lack of sleep out on you
And why do you keep your bedroom door shut? Doesn't it get stuffy?
I’d feel the same as your DH as I find it really hard to get back to sleep if woken during the night.
However any thoughts of smashing the monitor up would stay in my head as irrational tiredness and wouldn’t be said out loud.
Of course he’s overreacting, but he’s tired and that can really affect people. If this behaviour isn’t reflective of him as a person, I’d leave him to nap then take him a cup of tea in a few hours. He’ll possibly feel quite sheepish about his behaviour.
Turn the monitor down, he was woken up and couldn’t get back to sleep, whereas as you fell back to sleep straight away which would be annoying; especially after working nights and getting minimal sleep.
He is tired. I would sleep in the spare room under those circumstances as well.
I do think he is overreacting, but I know that sleep deprivation can play havoc. Be nice to each other, let him have a nap for example.
I get that you want to keep the monitor on. Could one of you sleep in the spare room for a night so that he has a good night sleep? I would imagine he'll feel quite sheepish for his comment.
In all seriousness, you need to turn off the monitor - she's quite capable of calling you at 2 even from another floor. Technology can be wonderful but needs to be used wisely, unless specific health reasons these are baby monitors, not toddler! If the different floor is the issue, how about reorganising the house in the new year?
I don't think it's strange to still have the monitor on. I definitely would if we were on a different floor. And actually I still haf it until a few days ago for my 18m old who is next door to us.
Being sleep deprived doesn't mean you can be a twat. I've averaged 5 to 6 broken hours of sleep for the last 3.5 years and I don't threaten to smash things up or get sulky that DH gets sleep.
At 2, on a different floor I would definitely have the monitor on.
Yes he overreacted but if he isn’t generally like this I’d let it go. I have suffered from insomnia since childhood and when I’m going through a bad time it can be awful. I have seen me seething when we’ve been woken up and dh drops off back to sleep right away. I know it’s not his fault but it isn’t easy to be rational when it’s the middle of the night and you’re exhausted.
I don’t have trouble getting to sleep I have trouble staying asleep and it is really frustrating to be woken up when you are getting some sleep particularly if you feel it’s something that could have been avoided. I’d cut him some slack.
I would have reacted the same as him, it can be so frustrating being woken up when you are already tired and then not being able to get back to sleep. He is BU about the smashing it up part but we all say things in anger. Perhaps you should sleep in the spare room for a while with the monitor so you all get some sleep.
Get rid of the monitor (she's 2!) And open your bedroom door
The advice from the fire brigade is to keep bedroom doors shut at night I thought so op doing the right thing.
He won't feel sheepish for his comment and i would actually expect him to go and find the hammer later to smash it up.
I guess the reason i don't feel overly sympathetic is because after a week of nights and no sleep he went out on his works party friday night, got in at 2am (no issues with this at all) but then still couldn't sleep and thought nothing of waking me up all night from when he got in moaning about how boring i was as i kept telling him i was tired and needed sleep! So i survived yesterday on about 4 hours sleep while he stayed in bed all morning.
A 2 year old doesn't need a baby monitor. No wonder he's pissed off with it.
Can you not just get a monitor like mine that flashes if there is any noise. You can keep it on mute and it will flash red if anything happens. Or get a video one with the sound off so you can see if she is moving around. I think you are being very unreasonable. Sleep deprivation is awful and if you are causing it with your personal issues then you shouldn’t be annoyed if he goes and sleeps in the spare room and smashes up the monitor which you don’t need.
He’s BU saying he’ll smash it up but to be honest I’d probably want to smash it up too! There’s nothing to be gained from listening to a 2 year old coughing through a monitor. Surely you can hear her anyway! How annoying to be constantly woken up by a BABY monitor. It’s not a toddler monitor! Switch it off and let him get some sleep!
Based on your update I'd say your DH is being an arse
Yet another absolute arsehole husband on MN. Seriously every time I come on here I can't get my head around how many women marry these horrid men and then keep having more kids with them.
I can see why he's frustrated, my husband would be the same, he really struggles to get back to sleep.
I can also understand why you'd want a monitor with the door shut and being on different floors. Would leaving the door open and turning the monitor off be a potential compromise?
I wouldn't like my two-year-old being on another floor, and bedroom door closed.
So he’s unpleasant, rude, and aggressive. What a delightful man.
No wonder his approach to problem solving is ‘get a hammer’. Is he actually a caveman?
2 isn’t too old for a monitor
At 2 my oldest started getting recurrent croup! (Has asthma so it’s usually very bad) Without the monitor we may missed this. Most two year olds can’t speak properly yet and get up to all sorts of mischief
Let his sleep in the spare room!
So what if OP closes her bedroom door, so what if she doesn't!
OP you're DH is being a gigantic knobhead. I had a monitor till mine was 3, if you need to use it to feel less anxious about LO being ok, then use it.
Get DH some nytol & tell him to quit moaning like a baby.
So without using the monitor what's his plan in an emergency then? What's his plan if DC does wake up and call out but can't be heard? Why can't he just sleep in the spare room If he wants to catch up on sleep? He's making a lot of drama here that isn't needed and won't help your anxiety.
If you're on a different floor then i would want a monitor on.
“He won't feel sheepish for his comment and i would actually expect him to go and find the hammer later to smash it up.“
This is the really worrying part of this post. He behaved like a dick in the night but that could possibly be forgiven. But in the cold light of day to carry through a threat to actually smash the monitor with a hammer.....That is really, really not OK. Are you safe, OP?
I don't think he over reacted I think he's a complete selfish wanker, if you wouldn't be surprised if he did smash it ams he keeps you awake on purpose or says to me that this is the tip of the iceberg
He's found a solution, sleeping in the spare room. If it's comfortable he can stay there until your little one is better, or you could sleep in the same room as the child.
Your husband is not very considerate. 5-6 hours sleep per 24 hours is not bad and being a parent of a sick child means life is not as you would like it to be but it won't last forever.
I don’t really understand why you need a monitor, blimey when mine were little I knew when they were awake by the amount of noise they made.
Unless you live in a mansion and are sleeping in separate wings of the property I don’t see the need for them.
He is very much like this if he doesn't get his own way.
He has always been a terrible sleeper and the shift working doesn't help and i have asked him more times than i can remember to try and come off shifts but he won't
He won't sleep without some form of background noise on, whereas i sleep better in silence however i have to put up with the tv being on etc so have just had to adapt over the years to it.
I wouldn't mind if he was kicking off after being kept awake every night but dd pretty much sleeps through and we barely hear anything, i think she is coming down with something given the coughing last night.
I said this morning i will compromise and turn thr monitor off and leave the door open, apparently its too little too late!
Yes, he's overreacting but being tired can do that to people. Can you compromise by turning it down a bit and leaving your door open?
I still use a monitor for my youngest, who is 6yo.
He isn’t being very nice but it is distorting when you’re so tired.
See how he is today?
He should sleep in the spare room all the time.
Tbh. Keep the monitor as long as you want. It's for your piece of mind that you would hear your little one. There is no maximum age at which they don't suddenly need to be heard in the night. Given that she can't come and find you safely on her own should she need you then leave the monitor. We had one longer than what apparently is the rule!!! - dh also wanted piece of mind that lo was ok. Your dh is being unreasonable. Not your fault he will be more tired as he chose to stay out til 2 the other night. Sorry no advice but please don't think the monitor thing is a major issue XX
He is massively over reacting. We sleep on a different floor to DS. We shut the doors and put the monitor on. He is 7.
Your DH is behaving like a prick. There are many more parenting challenges to come, with sleepless nights included. DS was throwing up last night. No one slept.
What is your DH going to do when you are getting your DD dry through the night? How will he handle the usual coughs and colds each year? And what if you were dealt a more serious blow?
If he's behaving like such a prick now, how will he handle it if you had another child? I've no advice other than to see this as a massive red flag and potentially a deal breaker.
Ok, given your recent updates, he sounds like a self centred prick. Let him stay in the spare room until he grows up
I still use my monitor for 2 year old DS! DH and I had this exact argument last night - that the monitor was too loud even tho it was on the lowest setting - I refused to turn it off. Good thing I did as DS woke in a coughing fit and spew all over the bed and was choking on his sick!
Tell him to wear ear plugs if it’s that big a deal! Men can be a bit selfish when they are tired and just don’t understand. You are defo not being unfair here!
Too little, too late A touch over dramatic when you're taking about a baby monitor! If he smashed it I'd be seriously pissed off. Sell it by all means, give it to charity but purposefully break something in a temper, nah.
Put him in the spare room and have your dd in beside you. She will probably be more reasonable and mature than your husband anyway.
I wouldn't want him sleeping in the same house as me. I've been seriously sleep deprived and somehow managed not to take it out on my husband or threaten to smash stuff up.
He sounds horrendous. It's all about him isn't it? I also worry about your safety there if you know he may well smash the monitor up. Life doesn't have to be like this op. You and your child deserve so much more.
He makes you sleep with the TV on? What would happen if you threatened to smash that up with a hammer? (Not saying you should actually do it!)
Disrupted sleep is hellish and can make the best of us irrational, but between the alarm threat and the TV being on and him telling you off for being ‘boring’ for wanting to sleep when you were tired, he just sounds like he thinks he matters more than anyone else in the house. Which he doesn’t.
Why doesn't he stay in the spare room for a few nights and you can bring your daughter in with you while she's ill?
Really, at age 2, you'll hear her if she wants to be heard! Without a monitor
Yes, he is overreacting. If he needs his sleep in order to be a 'nice' person, then he should sleep in the spare room all the time.
I totally understand OP - my DP wanted me to move our DD out of our bedroom because her 'noises' were keeping him awake. She was only a few weeks old.
This is hard on both of you
He sounds very very tired but it isn't all down to having the monitor on so smashing it up isn't the solution obviously. It sounds from your update like he needs to take more responsibility for getting some better sleep.
At 2, on a different floor, I think I'd be wanting to keep the monitor on depending on the type of house (some houses especially more modern ones carry sound more than others). If you can't hear her crying in her cot from your bed then you need to really. I know if I'm concerned I won't hear for whatever reason then I am constantly waking up thinking I've heard something when I haven't. Could you put it on vibrate instead if it has this option and put it under your pillow?
Also if he needs background noise would he consider white noise? May be easier for you to sleep and block out some monitor noise
I would absolutely have a monitor on for a 2 year old on a different floor. Given that 2 year olds can be daft and their speech isn't always great, I think it's a necessity.
Any man who aggressively threatens to break a piece of baby equipment because he's tired is a fucking wanker. If he actually follows through then I would LTB. How could you trust him?
Sleep deprivation is awful, but I get sick of people who moan they are tired when they deliberately go to bed late or have the TV on or some nonsense. He is selfish
OP I don't say this lightly but he seems like a horrible person. Very little of what you have said is acceptable behaviour for a full grown man and a 'loving' husband. Why are you with him? Does he have any redeeming qualities?
Also I couldn't agree more @Makido
Wouldn't separate bedrooms be the easy answer to this? You could then have the noise you want and need i.e. the baby monitor and he could have the noise he wants and needs i.e. the tv. You have a bedroom available, use it to relieve some of your joint stresses. Everyone will be happier and kinder with better sleep.
Sleep with your door open and throw away the monitor. She’s 2!
@owletele of course there is no limit on a monitor but if one person in the room doesn't want it that has to be a consideration.
OP DD coughed in sleep and didn't need you, how often does noise come through on the monitor that you don't need to act on? During the day if your DD shouts/cries for you can you hear her from one floor to the other? The answer to these questions would make decision for me.
If you genuinely think he will smash the monitor up and the calling you boring is normal behaviour for him that is a bigger issue and something he should work on. If he has put up with monitor this long I think he would have binned it/smashed it by now if that's what he wanted to do. So likely just words said in tiredness.
He sounds fucking awful.
So, just to clarify as I may have misunderstood. He HAS to sleep with the tv on. But if his child is unwell and coughs, it enrages him to the point where he is getting out a hammer and smashing things up?
I agree with PP - how do women tolerate living like this?
Short term, offer to sleep in spare room with monitor.
Long term - is this how you want to spend the next year/five years/ten years?
I think you should sleep separately. In different houses.
He makes you sleep with the TV on? What would happen if you threatened to smash that up with a hammer?
And I'm another who wonders how do women tolerate living like this?
The issue isn’t this isolated incident involving the baby monitor. We can all understand a sleep-deprived person overreacting to being woken up.
The problem is with your selfish, domineering wanker husband.
Yet another absolute arsehole husband on MN. Seriously every time I come on here I can't get my head around how many women marry these horrid men and then keep having more kids with them
"Yet another absolute arsehole husband on MN. Seriously every time I come on here I can't get my head around how many women marry these horrid men and then keep having more kids with them"
Absolutely. And a depressing number of posters-presumably other women- saying "oh dear, he must be tired, the poor lamb. Appease him-he can't help it"
Yes, there is a pattern of behaviour here. And it looks to be about domination. Hence his decision to deliberately deprive you of sleep and put the blame on you as he was doing it.
What makes you so certain he would get a hammer to smash it up?
Op, how is it you've come to believe all this behaviour is normal and acceptable?
Because it very much is not how any of us should ever be treated by a partner who says they care for us and love us. It's so very far from normal.
Oh, and his rejection of compromise is because he wants to be the one in control with power. He doesn't compromise on anything else either, does he? You've just had to gradually give more and more so he has what he wants. Like not being allowed to sleep in silence yourself.
Because you know he will kick off if you don't do what he wants. That's control, not love.
“How do women tolerate living like this?”
I hate these lofty sort of statements. It’s so rude and unhelpful.
It’s not “lofty” to point out that it is not normal to want to live with someone who smashes objects with a hammer when he’s mildly inconvenienced.
I'm trying to think of dpme redeeming features dh has but i'm struggling. Ever since we had dd we have clashed on everything and the monitor is the latest thing.
The last argument we had was that he didn't feel like he got enough attention, and that i should be paying him more attention in the evenings (after i've put dd to bed, tidied up, sprted bags and lunches for all for work and nursery the next day )
but dh this morning has told me that he'll now deal with it by smashing the monitor up.
This, and the fact he came in at 2am and told you how boring you are means he has completely lost any sympathy I may have felt about his insomnia. He doesn't sound a keeper to me.
“Yet another absolute arsehole husband on MN. Seriously every time I come on here I can't get my head around how many women marry these horrid men and then keep having more kids with them.”
How is this statement anything other than a further kicking to someone who is already down? Is this really how you want to be seen to be advising a victim of domestic abuse?
I think your H needs his own room in a seperate flat. You have a life of misery with him, don't you?
@pictish Why? are you living with one of these types of men as well?
It is lofty. It’s a sweeping statement the places responsibility on the victim.
Trying your H's behaviour is controlling and abusive. If I were you I would discuss this event with my counsellor. I'm willing to be the that he is the cause of your anxiety.
Thanks for caring...but no. It’s about the fact that blame is being directed where it doesn’t lie.
He sounds controlling and vile
Why on earth does he get to decide if door is open or closed??
Your dc sleeps on a different floor, too right you want the monitor on.
He wants attention? He sounds pathetic
OP I’m going to assume you have already tried opening a discussion with him regarding these selfish, aggressive behaviours. How does he respond when you broach it with him?
I'm willing to be the that he is the cause of your anxiety.
It wasn't until I was a few years out of my marriage that it finally dawned on me that all the anxiety and stomach problems and breathing problems I used to have were from the stress of living with my ex. It's hard to identify the cause at the time, you're too close to the situation and have become used to the situation, used to appeasing and trying not to make waves.
I think he's being a dick.
We have a 2.5 year old and still use a monitor.
In your situation I would have a monitor. If I didn't have one it would play on my mind that I wouldn't hear dd if she woke up. I'm a deep sleeper and so is DH and when our DD was 2 she would call for us if there was a problem in the night, not come and get us. So I don't think having some level of anxiety around not having the monitor on is abnormal. I hope he's not making you feel that it is.
he didn't feel like he got enough attention, and that i should be paying him more attention in the evenings
Men who feel they are the most important person in the family often do struggle with the reduced amount of attention they get after a baby comes along. I would ask how much of the evening running-around, housework and bedtime stuff he is doing but I'm willing to bet it is not very much.
I agree with pp that living with someone like this is at the very least not helping your anxiety. Is your relationship something you've discussed with your counsellor?
Control by baby monitor, that's a new one but given this type of man's general lack of any normal levels of resilience over anything, just one further form of him making all about him and what he wants. Presumably having the bedroom door shut was his idea originally, and another form of control - it's him versus the baby in his mind, never a healthy situation. He sounds awful.
We sleep on a different floor than our DDs and had a monitor for far longer than I would have done otherwise it was the fear of not hearing them being sick or something, where they may not be able to shout out, but would need us.
I’ve had insomnia since my teens, but would much rather struggle with another night of crap sleep than the alternative in this situation. Hope you’re ok OP.
He’s a controlling and potentially abusive man who is punishing you because you are prioritising the well-being of the baby above your partner’s wants. The threats about smashing up the monitor with a hammer are intended to send you a very clear message . Think very carefully about how safe you are.
Threatening to smash the baby monitor is concerning me.
Scratch the surface and we've found he likes the background noise he likes, which you just have to suffer.
He is jealous of the attention the child gets from you.
He works shifts despite knowing that they play havoc with his sleep and despite you suggesting he make a change.
You have struggled to name any redeeming features this man has.
I think you know where MN will go with all this information.
Personally, I think you need to work out what you want, and have a conversation with him that you won't get bullied or coerced out of, namely that he needs to step up, be a better parent and partner, and not take his sleep deprivation out in the family.
For Christmas, may I suggest buying him a pillow speaker? That way he can listen to podcasts or music quietly without disturbing you. It might be a conversation starter!
That's a dang good idea about a music pillow!
I imagine there'll be some 'reason' why that won't suffice though, can't you?
It's really not good is it, this man sounds really unpleasant.
Never heard of a music pillow - have one coming tomorroe for christmas. Thank you for the idea.
Am sure i will get told a reason why that won't work though
He's finally got up, said 2 words to me, upset dd and gone back to bed .
Is there a safety gate etc?
Could he be struggling with living with your anxiety? If so the answers on here aren't going to be helpful.
You need a proper discussion with him.
He sounds like a very unpleasant man.
Maybe you need to have a think about your relationship love.
Threatening to smash things up, huge red flag. I wonder how much of your anxiety is because you are with him?
Is your spare room on the same floor as your room?
Put the monitor under your pillow then it will only disturb you.
"Could he be struggling with living with your anxiety? If so the answers on here aren't going to be helpful."
Struggling with living with her anxiety, so he gets a hammer Nd smashes a baby monitor. Right.
He does struggle with people having anxiety because he thinks its a made up disorder. I try really hard to not mention anything as he is not at all supportive of anything i mention.
I've compromised as much as i can, i sometimes feel like i have nothing left to give.
He sounds like an asshole that you would be better off without.
Our DD is 11 months, wakes up most nights around 1am and comes into bed with us because she won't resettle, she then manhandles my boobs all night, thumps me and makes noises in my ear and then wakes us both up at 5am! I often get cross with my hubby because he sleeps soundly all night while I'm being disturbed and if he's had a crap night's sleep because DD is crying all night if she's ill or something then he will be really ratty too. We both often snap at each other first thing in the morning and I can totally imagine him threatening to smash something up with a hammer (it's usually one of the cats scratching on our door at 4am)!
Having said that, we always apologise to each other a few hours later or ignore the ratty comments accepting that the other person is tired. I definitely feel silly for being grumpy and I know he does too, so we either let it go or try and help each other out more the next day.
If I honestly thought that my husband might smash one of our possessions in a rage or if he wasn't apologetic for his outbursts then I would definitely have to reconsider my feelings for him and I think he would say the same about me.
Your husband sounds like my 3 year old...
Mental when tired. Yes.
Needs music to sleep. Yes.
Needs endless attention. Yes.
Breaks things in a tantrum. Yes.
Throws a tantrum if things don't go her way. Yes.
Usually if she's acting like this I put her in time out. Do you have a naughty step you can sit him on?
P.S my 3 year old is bloody hard work. If it were a grown adult acting that way and I didn't have to put up with it I wouldn't.
OP he sounds abusive and you should be making plans to get out.
Honestly, he wants everything exactly his way and it doesn't work like that he threatens violence and you believe he'll carry it out as well.
Even if he wasn't violent, it sounds like a miserable way to live, there's no room in his life for anyone and anything else other than his wants.
My son is 4 and we still have a monitor btw as whilst he's more than capable to come looking for us, he might not do that straight away. Due to layout, I also can't hear him unless he's screaming his head off.
For example, if he's sick his first instinct is to get everything clean first which obviously isn't the priority.
Useful other times as well.
This is the second thread today I've read from women who are coping with home and small babies whilst their shift working partners opt out and treat the woman badly and expect no change in life with small children.
Maybe you should get together and leave your self centred excuses for men to each other!
Today is the last day we all have off together before Christmas. And had consisted of dh sulking on thr sofa doing nothing, and me cleaning the house from top to bottom as we're hosting and we need to preparing. Also cooked dinner, cleaned the pets out and watched dd.
Feeling very down at the moment.
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