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To say no to this request? Really need advice

(315 Posts)
Mimibamz Sun 16-Dec-18 02:56:30

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee Sun 16-Dec-18 02:58:53

Why the aupair and niece, can't the Aupair look after the child at her own home?

Sorry if I'm not understanding something.

BearFoxBear Sun 16-Dec-18 03:02:08

So you and your OH are happy for your niece to be alone, without family, over the Christmas period because you like your own space? Wow. That poor girl. I truly can't believe that you even have to ask this question.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sun 16-Dec-18 03:03:19

Sorry if not understanding but why not look after your niece without the aupair?

knittedjest Sun 16-Dec-18 03:05:01

What's she going overseas to sort out exactly? Think that's relevant.

Mamadee15 Sun 16-Dec-18 03:05:09

Hi I said in my post we were happy for them to stay with us over the festive period and to check on them daily when they aren’t with us. Just wondering if I should’ve said yes to them staying the entire time.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sun 16-Dec-18 03:06:37

Frankly I think she’d be better off elsewhere with someone who actually cares

bridgetreilly Sun 16-Dec-18 03:08:32

She's 5. And you think it's fine for her to be on her own with the au pair for 7 days, while you take her in for 3 days over Christmas?

I think it's weird that her mother is willing to leave her for 10 days, but given that she is, yes, of course you should take her into your home. Do you want her to grow up feeling loved and wanted or not?

Mamadee15 Sun 16-Dec-18 03:11:05

Hi guys changed my username but I’m the original poster. She says she’s going to sort out some paper work regarding a business and also sort out some stuff with her lawyer re separation from her partner who lives overseas. I think I don’t believe she has to go right now especially as it’s Christmas. Also the au pair has no family here that’s why I feel it’d be fine for them to spend Xmas with us.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sun 16-Dec-18 03:11:38

And you weren’t happy for them to stay over Christmas, you stated it as a “compromise”. You treat it like a business deal, poor child

AjasLipstick Sun 16-Dec-18 03:12:37

People asking why the aupair is being included it's because aupairs are usually young and foreign and OP's SIL won't want her on her own. Obvious really.

But OP I don't think YABU. Why the hell is SIL buggering off over Christmas and leaving her CHILD behind??

BearFoxBear Sun 16-Dec-18 03:16:42

You said that having them stay for the few days over Christmas was a compromise, not that you're happy to do so. I'm baffled by this attitude tbh. Your niece is 5 years old!

Mamadee15 Sun 16-Dec-18 03:17:08

Thanks for the swift replies everyone. I come here for honest opinions and not to feel judged about my decision to the person who said I don’t care. I do occasionally help with childcare when I can and have in the past taken care of my niece when sil travelled overseas. I guess in someways I don’t get why she has to go esp as it’s Christmas and I don’t think it’s that important to leave her. I don’t want to say this to SIL as I don’t want to cause more problems.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sun 16-Dec-18 03:18:34

I agree the mother is primarily to blame, I just feel sorry for the child and hoped relatives would feel more than she was a burden

PuddinginPerth Sun 16-Dec-18 03:18:40

WTF is the mother doing leaving the child behind over Christmas and how is this your problem? This is so selfish. The au pair no doubt has their own family, I can't believe how horrible your SIL is.

knittedjest Sun 16-Dec-18 03:19:21

Yeah but you are just in a passive aggressive manner that puts your niece in the middle of it.

MinorRSole Sun 16-Dec-18 03:21:49

I think it's an unreasonable request and not sure why you are getting such a hard time. It's the mother leaving a 5 year old at Christmas - the fact she's asked this of you doesn't actually make you responsible!

That being said I would say yes in your shoes, because I'm a soft touch as an auntie

Mamadee15 Sun 16-Dec-18 03:22:58

Omg @whyarealltheusernamestaken you’ll see that I said my OH was against the idea and I suggested to him as a compromise. Though I fully take on board what ure saying. Obviously this isn’t the full picture. OH is not understanding why she has to go over Xmas.

floribunda18 Sun 16-Dec-18 03:23:23

The OP isn't to blame. Why on earth is the SIL leaving a 5 year old child behind at Christmas?

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sun 16-Dec-18 03:23:55

If you can’t offer her what she needs and she isn’t getting it from her mum...maybe you should call social services for help?

BearFoxBear Sun 16-Dec-18 03:23:55

Maybe framing your issue better would have helped you here. You're getting these responses because of what you've said. Not being happy with your SIL for buggering off over Christmas is one thing. Stating that having to look after an extra 5 year old over Christmas will be tiring and inconvenient is quite another.

SilverDoe Sun 16-Dec-18 03:23:55

You say you don’t want to be judged but you literally asked if YWBU to say no.

To be honest I think it’s incredibly mean to say no. The poor girl is going to be by herself all in the run up to Christmas when she could be spending it in a house with her relatives, other children and being part of the excitement.

Her mum is fucking horrible to, my heart breaks for this little girl sad

Racecardriver Sun 16-Dec-18 03:23:58

In your place I would take the niece but not the au pair. Having a stranger in your house for ten days would be quite uncomfortable especially if your house is small. A five year old you are related to on the other hand should be fine so long as she doesn’t have some kind of nightmareish character. You wouldn’t really have to cater to her beyond including her in whatever your eldest child is doing surely?

floribunda18 Sun 16-Dec-18 03:24:28

OH is not understanding why she has to go over Xmas.

Neither am I!

Heyjudas Sun 16-Dec-18 03:27:17

An aupair isn't contracted to work 24/7. You need to take both of them or the child.

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