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AIBU?

To tell DD not to give other grandparents access

204 replies

ashvivienne · 13/12/2018 23:37

DD1 is in the late stages of pregnancy she wasn’t in a relationship with the father and after telling him she was pregnant he screamed and shouted at her then she received some of the most awful texts I’ve ever seen including ones from his parents calling her a slag and denying their grand child.
After 4 weeks the father sat down with DD where she gave him the ultimatum of being in for the long run or being out forever which is the decision he made and she has accepted that she is doing this alone which she has taken well. After this they messaged her and said there was no way in hell they weren’t seeing the baby which she didn’t respond to.
She has now been receiving text messages again from the boys mum saying she wants to see her grandchild and there’s nothing DD can do to stop her. DD hasn’t responded to the messages and this has lead to a text saying she will show up to the hospital if need be. DD is wondering if she should just make everyone happy and let them visit.
I’ve told her it’s obviously up to her but I don’t want them in our house (DD still lives with us) and I wouldn’t allow them access after all the abuse.

OP posts:

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PinkAvocado · 13/12/2018 23:39

This is so tricky. My gut feeling would be the sane as yours. Especially with how forceful they continue to be.

SneakyGremlinsBrokeTheSleigh · 13/12/2018 23:40

She needs to stand up for herself and the baby.

FairytaleOfWigan · 13/12/2018 23:41

The GP have no legal right to see the child, either at the hospital or at your house.

How would they even know when your DD was in hospital ?

LLOE7 · 13/12/2018 23:42

They have absolutely no rights whatsoever to your DDs baby. Tell her to just block their number!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/12/2018 23:42

Do the grandparents want access but the baby's father wants no involvement?

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 13/12/2018 23:44

Nope. Just nope.

Lizadork · 13/12/2018 23:45

Even if they came to the hospital, you can get staff to turn them away ... I would suggest a social media ban so no one announces the birth or impending birth. I would not let the father know at all. With how forceful they are. I would change telephone numbers/social media/emails etc. I would not share any info with any friends they have in common. I would register baby with your surnames and leave dad off birth certificate etc. Would not even share name if he wants nothing to do with this situation. Share no photos either.

justanotherprolapse · 13/12/2018 23:46

How old is your daughter? She 100% needs to be protected from this abusive family but equally there is a new person coming into the world and if some form of relationship can be obtained then the child deserves that too. Tricky.

I don't think they get to turn up at the hospital though - just don't tell them!! Your poor dd. They sound vile.

PerfectPenquins · 13/12/2018 23:46

I would not trust them and would fight against them haveing any contact, however if they do build up a contact arrangement they can be given access via court
a friend of mine her ex in-laws won an overnight every two weeks! Father not involved.

chickhonhoneybabe · 13/12/2018 23:48

Tell her to block their number. The GP have no rights to see the baby, if they turn up at the hospital the hospital can turn them away she just needs to tell her midwife.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 23:49

Be firm with your daughter and voice your concerns. The other grandparents have absolutely no rights as far as this baby is concerned. They are vile, abusive people. Your daughter would be crazy to allow these people into her child's life. Tell her exactly that.

llangennith · 13/12/2018 23:50

PerfectPenguin this is not the same situation. The mother-to-be has never been married to the father. The grandparents do not have any right, morally or legally, to see the baby. Stop scaremongering.**

chickhonhoneybabe · 13/12/2018 23:54

Although no rights to see their grandchild/grandchildren grandparents can go to court for a child arrangement order

Birdsgottafly · 13/12/2018 23:54

If you live in the same area, she is going to have to explain to the child that she denied him/her access to half of the Family, because of a few texts sent in the heat of the moment.

Now, with Social Media, people find each other, but they aren't just going to go away.

MN is very anti-family. But if you think her living in your house puts you on charge of the Baby, then she needs to move out.

At any point the Father can get PR and access.

It would be better for her to start discussions with them.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 13/12/2018 23:58

She needs to go NC with them. No response whatsoever. Change her number if needs be. Lock down her Facebook. If she responds and tells them they can't see their grandchild they may work on their son to get him to get involved just so they can have access. They have no rights and if by some bizarre chance they guessed when she was in labour or had a new baby and turned up at the hospital she could ask the staff to remove them. They sound vile.

GabsAlot · 14/12/2018 00:07

i woldnt just let them see the child just because its less hassle-they dont sound very nice

legally there is no law i doubt they would get access when the father has never been involved

SilverApples · 14/12/2018 00:09

What if she chooses not to name him on the birth certificate?
My DD is an adult, my instinct would be to protect her as forcefully as necessary or possible from abuse, and if she asked me to help or intervene, I would do so. Sod them.

Worriedmummybekind · 14/12/2018 00:10

They sound unhinged. I would get a non mollestation order and also inform the hospital and midwives that they are not to be allowed on the ward.

They have no rights at all. It is at your daughter’s discretation and they have proven themselves to be entirely untrustworthy and unsuitable.

If they want (short, closely supervised) access in the future they need to behave well towards your daughter for a prolonged period and show real remorse for their actions.

The well worn phrase “when people show you who they are, believe them the first time” comes to mind.

SilverApples · 14/12/2018 00:11

Oh, I’d also get legal advice so I knew exactly what the law said about their rights and the mother’s rights rather than random internetters.

jessstan2 · 14/12/2018 00:11

What the grandparents did and said was really horrible - but was an instant reaction. They've calmed down now. If they are basically decent people and suitably sorry, I'd be inclined to forgive them and just take it one day at a time. They do have to apologise profusely though.

I honestly can't understand people being like that! However I've not been in that position - but can't imagine I would be like that if I was. Perhaps their (unpleasant) son fed them a line.

suzy2b · 14/12/2018 00:13

My youngest granddaughter has nothing to do with her father ,he stormed into my house one day my daughter was behind the door lucky she didn't have baby on her lap or her head would have been smashed in he came in pulled my daughter up and head butted her in the face since then he hasn't seen her she was about 4 weeks since then one one has ever put a picture of her on social media although pictures of her elder sister are we live in a small place but have never seen him,untill 3 weeks ago i was in a shop with her i saw this man who was working there i didn't know if it was him or not, he has put on a lot of wight and has a beard,then someone called his name,he did message me about 18mths ago asking about seeing her my daughter said over my dead body he has done nothing about it since granddaughter is now nearly 4

Worriedmummybekind · 14/12/2018 00:13

The child (to be) certainly doesn’t deserve to be influence by a suite people. Just because someone is a relative doesn’t mean they are a positive influence or relationship for a child.

Worriedmummybekind · 14/12/2018 00:13

*abusive not a suite.

AornisHades · 14/12/2018 00:14

She has no obligation to him or his family. He has no status at this point. She can't name him as the father unless he goes with her to register the birth.
She needs to keep the messages they're sending her but do nothing. She is the patient until the baby is born and nobody has any rights or responsibility until the baby is born.

notangelinajolie · 14/12/2018 00:16

GPs have no rights.

I would tell my DD to not put fathers name on birth certificate and to come off social media and not post photos or news of baby anywhere. It sound like your daughter and baby have all the love and family they need.

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