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AIBU in telling ex H he’s not getting a penny out of me

(67 Posts)
PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 03:31:04

Hi all. Will try and condense this all down a bit.

I finally left my abusive ‘DH’ nearly 10 years ago after he became violentl towards my then 14 YO DS.

Unknown to me at the time, he was heavily abusing Cocaine and around 2 years after we separate he had a breakdown, and was put on anti psychotics and antidepressants which he’s still on. Since being on these he has almost become the complete opposite, almost zombie like instead of angry and violent.

When we split up he moved away to live near his family, which Is only around an hour away, which he has used to avoid having the DC’s for more than a couple of hours every other weekend st the most. He has no interest in things like their schooling, or every day lives. He has paid maintenance, but it’s been very sporadic as he is always in and out of work. He has always paid the bare minimum for them, pleading poverty when in fact he earns a good wage. He is self employed though and hides a lot of his earnings from the CSA and me. He has not ever offered me any support with the DC’s and sees the kids as my job, not his.

Anyway - last year I inherited some money. It’s a fair bit, but not a life changing about. I So far have used it to pay off my debts ( many that should have been his), buy a car, a holiday for the kids and the things they needed but I wasn’t able to provide before this (eg, computer, bike. I have also put some in ISA’s for them, and put some away to help my eldest DD (20) through uni.
DC’s.
Since i got this money, he has suddenly turned into Mr Perfect, seeing the
DC’s more and being nice and helpful.

PizzaPower Thu 13-Dec-18 03:37:29

The children will see through him, just like you have.
Make sure he doesn’t see a single penny, enjoy doing whatever you want with your money, you deserve it!

PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 03:39:31

Grr posted to soon - anyway, earlier today he sent me a txt asking for £1000 as he was hard up and struggling to find work. He honestly seems to think he is entitled to some of this money as we are still legally married.

Before she died my Mum she made it clear that she did not want him to ever get a penny if her money if she died. She even spoke of changing her will to say this, but never got around to it.

Am I right in telling him to fuck off and that he’s not getting a penny out of me? I need the remainder to go into a pension so don’t even have the money to give him. He has plenty of family he could ask if he really is that hard up.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 13-Dec-18 03:58:10

Ignore the text. Tell him if he persists that he owes you ££££ (give a figure) in debt that you’ve paid and back dated child maintenance.

I wouldn’t let him see a penny of it either.

Well done for getting rid.

PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 04:00:14

Thank you so much for your kind worsen PizzaPower” - [flowe

And yes- the younger ones are certainly starting to see through him which makes me sad and happy at the same time. They deserved more, a decent father.

There is still a part of me that feels sorry for him though, even though he is merely reaping what he has speed over thrvyeats. I don’t even know why.

QwertyLou Thu 13-Dec-18 04:01:17

Of course don’t give him GBP 1000, i’m surprised you even have to ask. And yes - be firm and tell him he won’t be getting anything. I’d downplay the amount - say it’s been mostly eaten up by fees etc.

It seems unusual to be separated 10 years but not legally divorced. Have the marital assets been divided up?

Personally I’d want the divorce finalised as soon as possible. Until you are divorced, he might still your be your next of kin (depending on the laws where you live). Make sure you’re own Will, presumably naming your children, is in order.

Seniorschoolmum Thu 13-Dec-18 04:01:34

YAnbu

You don’t owe him a penny, you have primary care of the dcs so the money is needed to cover his share that he hasn’t been paying.

Quite apart from the fact that if you give him money, he may just spend it on drugs and that will harm him too.

PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 04:03:05

Thank you fuzzywizzy’- that is s really good idea. Why I feel the need to justify my decision is beyond me though confused

shouldwestayorshouldwego Thu 13-Dec-18 04:08:32

I don't think that inheritance is counted as marital assets unless it is integrated into the family finances - for example to buy a house. Maybe use the £1000 to start divorce proceedings instead.

Pogmella Thu 13-Dec-18 04:10:25

If you're legally married then were you to divorce he could demand a financial order involving full financial disclosure. As you've been married a long time it's likely the court would encourage you to reach a consented agreement that trys to split things evenly, after accommodating the children and taking into account equal provision for old age etc. I divorced asap as exdh moved in with ow, the court approved him to sign over the whole house and leave with nothing as DD (9 months) was with me here and we agreed it by consent- even though it meant I 'got more' out if the divorce settlement.

If you don't need to get divorced (you don't need him off the mortgage etc) just keep it in an account with a sole name. If you die or he ran up debts in your joint name he might get some money indirectly but that's about it...

PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 04:11:35

The main reason I didn’t divorce was that I couldn’t afford it, and tbh I didn’t see doing so as a priority, just a piece of paper. Though I regre not doing so earlier now.

Marital assets- we didn’t have any. We privately rented and it was me who bought all the furniture etc over the years. He was very stingy with money during our marriage although he wouldn’t see it that way.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 13-Dec-18 04:14:18

I’d look into getting legally divorced ASAP.

He’s still your next of kin otherwise and can also come after half your pension as part of the financial settlement.

Get legal advice first.

But you’ve paid off your debts and have extra money whilst he doesn’t I’d try and get legally split from him ASAP to ensure he has no come back to legally claim your assets.

Pogmella Thu 13-Dec-18 04:17:21

One of the benefits of divorce us the financial order which protects you from him running up debt and if you win the lottery/inherit protects you from having to share. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear.

In practice though, he would have to commence (and fund) divorce proceedings which cost me about £4k for a simple consented financial order. If you contested those costs coukd really spiral.

He sounds pretty feckless. If there are no shared assets I would just keep quiet about it. Are you happy to remain married indefinitely? Would you ever wish to remarry?

PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 04:17:32

It was never used as joint money. Even during our marriage we had seperste finances/ accounts - he used to be very secretive sbout his earnings and the only money I ever sawvfrom him was money he gave me towards bills, and was never very much

HJWT Thu 13-Dec-18 04:19:08

@PrickWhittington are you 'separated' on paper ? Otherwise you could have problems trying to divorce him now unless you can prove you haven't been together for 10 years.... DONT give him anything!! Why would you? I'd give it to the children before him since he has never given them anything !!! Sounds like a piece of work...

Pogmella Thu 13-Dec-18 04:20:18

I know Prick but legally marriage means a court will assume everything should be split evenly (with allowances made to acvomodate kids etc). Marriage protects the lesser earner, sounds like in this case that was him

PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 04:24:43

Yes pogmella - I know that now lol!

No matter what I will do whatever it takes to stop him getting anything from it. I’ve tried so much to still honour what my Mum would have wanted even though she is now gone. Giving any to him would make me feel like I am betraying her memory

Tbh I’m hoping he is as skint as he says as solicitors are expensive!

Birdsgottafly Thu 13-Dec-18 04:25:07

I think you've got two things, if not three, going on.

Firstly, Women are conditioned to see their money as Family money.

He's the Father of your children, so you still have a misguided connection.

And lastly, it isn't easy to switch off from an abuser. There will still be the effects of that, which is making you still feel responsible for him and as though you don't deserve what you've got.

My advice would be when you feel sorry for him, remind yourself of who and what he really is. How his choices have led him to were he is and how those choices impacted on you and your children.

You don't know what's going to hit you, or your children, in life and none of you can't rely on him. Car accidents, illness, accidents on holiday, any could leave someone unable to work/study for quite a while. That £1000 could become very much needed.

He hasn't even given you or your children what you were entitled to, why does he get to take, take, take. What makes him entitled to this? think of your Mum's wishes, also.

PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 04:28:14

Yes I have it on paper from a solicitor back 2012 as my son needed confirmation we were separated for student finance/ loan purposes. He has also paid council tax at different addresses since he moved out.

Birdsgottafly Thu 13-Dec-18 04:29:12

"I know Prick but legally marriage means a court will assume everything should be split evenly"

But then a Court looks at the details, where the money has come from and things like maintenance etc.

The OP had legally separated long before the inheritance. It wouldn't be seen as Marital assets to be shared.

OP don't think that it would be. You've supported your children, there hasn't been shared care.

Sofabitch Thu 13-Dec-18 04:39:55

If you had divorced him then this would be a non issue.

But you're still married... so I'd get Legal advice.

I'm not sure why he knows tbh.

Birdsgottafly Thu 13-Dec-18 04:45:27

If you had have divorved him, he'd still be asking, that's who he is, a Cf.

He isn't trying to claim anything legally, I don't know why this is being bought up.

He's a using, no good, chancer. That's all he's doing, chancing his hand.

OP, stick to telling him to fuck off.

Make sure you've got a Will and think about divorce.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 13-Dec-18 04:57:09

What everyone else has said. It’s your money. Get a will. Divorce him.

KeiTeNgeNge Thu 13-Dec-18 05:11:30

How did he find out about the money?

PrickWhittington Thu 13-Dec-18 06:14:47

I didn’t tell him - my DC’s told him their DNanny had died,. He knows from when we were together that any inheritance would go to me if something happened to her as me and my DC’s are the only family left. He also knows where she lived and how much her house would have been worth and sold for.

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