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To ask DH to pay?

(46 Posts)
jooly22 Thu 13-Dec-18 00:46:09

DH and I split all of our household bills down the middle. I earn more than him, but as I work less hours, our take home pay is roughly the same. I take care of DS on days I am not at work.

He doesn't drive, I do. Before we got together I had a car. Now we have DS who is 2, and I have always paid everything related to car (tax, insurance, MOT, repairs, fuel). Now DH is learning to drive and I have recently traded in my car for a better one.

Is it BU to ask DH to pay half for the new car, which he will be using to learn to drive in, and will be using when he passes his driving test? Or at least, to go half with me on tax, insurance, etc?

I don't use the car for commuting, its domestic/ leisure only and almost exclusively family related activity e.g. taking DS places, grocery shopping, etc.

He helped me look online for new cars but didn't offer to pay anything towards it and when I asked if he would be willing to, he said he would but got a bit huffy and offered to give me half of the surplus I paid (so not taking into account the amount that was deducted from trading in the old car). We aren't talking massive sums of money here but since we split everything else evenly I'm wondering if I'm BU to start asking him to pay half of everything for the car?

Cooella Thu 13-Dec-18 00:53:54

Of course he should bloody pay! Not only do you give him lifts & let him learn in it but presumably you've been using it the past 2 years to drive HIS DC around and get food in for all of you etc as well as driving it to your job which earns money for the family. Sorry OP he's been taking the piss out of u by not paying.

Lovingbenidorm Thu 13-Dec-18 00:54:55

Sorry I don’t really understand why you’re having this conversation at all.
you are a married couple with a child.
Surely you pool your resources?

Walkingdeadfangirl Thu 13-Dec-18 00:58:54

Your married, its all joint money.

Cooella Thu 13-Dec-18 01:02:33

I never understand why people want to have children & get married and not want to pool resources. Seems like the only real benefit of marriage to me.

LagunaBubbles Thu 13-Dec-18 01:04:36

It's OK to be like this if you are just a couple with no children, I find it really bizarre that you are married with a child and go ances aren't joint. You share a marriage, a bed and a child.

Cooella Thu 13-Dec-18 01:06:38

Sorry that was judgey. Each to their own.

SunnyTikka Thu 13-Dec-18 01:10:06

Of course he has to. Your insurance will be higher with him learning and also when he passes his test. Why should you pay for that extra? Perhaps he should get his own car. This is crazy - everything should be pooled/joint to avoid this sort of crap.

Wer2Next Thu 13-Dec-18 01:13:04

If you buy your son a sandwich do you argue who's turn it is to pay? Do you ask for half the money?

Makes me cringe tbh.

Cooella Thu 13-Dec-18 01:13:22

What happens if one of you has considerably more spare cash than the other? Do you go on lavish holidays and leave the other behind? Eat caviar while they sit in economy and eat peanuts? If you split you will have to split your assets too (eg cars) so u may as well both go all in.

StoppinBy Thu 13-Dec-18 01:15:11

I have the same wonderings, how is it that people marry and have children yet run separate bank accounts and have his/her money?

If you had joint finances you would just be taking what you needed from that so I guess if they are separate then yes you should be splitting it, your child also now benefits from the car which is jointly your responsibility.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain Thu 13-Dec-18 01:15:15

Of course he should be putting something towards it!

Otherwise I'd be asking him when he is going to start looking for a little runabout to learn to drive in himself.

Blondebakingmumma Thu 13-Dec-18 01:17:57

He sounds stingy. Horrible quality

Cooella Thu 13-Dec-18 01:19:56

And bill him half for every time you've ever used it to drive his son or get the food shopping in. Is he the type of man who wants a modern marriage where u both work and u both have your own money but you are still solely responsible for all of that household management stuff? I know I'm being judgy again. I can't help it I'm angry on your behalf and for all the women who keep getting screwed by stingy bastards.

jooly22 Thu 13-Dec-18 01:20:10

Think I have my answer. Thanks ladies smile

Vehivle Thu 13-Dec-18 01:34:09

Late to the party but wanted to also add to the crowd - yes he should definitely pay.

PinkFizzz Thu 13-Dec-18 01:35:31

DP and I aren't married and dont have children together... he pays half the running costs of my car because its an asset used by both of us.

He doesn't drive and can't learn to, but car is used for getting all of us to work, shopping, trips etc. Why shouldn't he pay if he is using it too?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 13-Dec-18 01:36:02

These types of posts never cease to amaze me. You're married. His money is your money, your money is his money. All this bickering and selfishness when the benefit is for the family is astounding. Why bother getting married if everything you do and earn has to logged into some bizarre checks and balances sheet. I don't hold out much hope for marriages like this. You're either a unified team or you're not. You and your husband are definitively not.

TheSerenDipitY Thu 13-Dec-18 01:36:06

if he doesnt want to share the costs of your car i guess he then needs to buy his own car and cover his own costs out of his own money, and never ever use your car, ever!

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain Thu 13-Dec-18 01:39:41

These types of posts never cease to amaze me. You're married. His money is your money, your money is his money. All this bickering and selfishness when the benefit is for the family is astounding. Why bother getting married if everything you do and earn has to logged into some bizarre checks and balances sheet. I don't hold out much hope for marriages like this

And posts like these never fail to amaze.

You understand that there's more than one way of doing things, and it doesn't suit every single couple to pool their money?

MutedUser Thu 13-Dec-18 01:40:45

I too cringe at this . I know a couple who argue about what they eat when they go out as they take turns each at paying. So if one eats too much when the other is paying it is resented . They also do this with their kids I paid for the cinema now it’s tour turn to pay for the swimming . Oh but swimming is cheaper so you can pay for school lunches this week. Each to their own but when one person earns more it doesn’t seem fair to split down the middle . If a man was doing this to a woman making her pay half when she only worked part time we would be saying something different .

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 13-Dec-18 01:45:54

My sister and her husband have seperate money and they have been happily married for 25 years.....people do things differently, what a shocker hmm

OP, yes of course he should pay and I would be thinking much less of him for his huffy attitude that you should simply stump up. Ask him if he would be happy to pay all of the utilities himself, with you using them and not contributing.

MutedUser Thu 13-Dec-18 01:47:36

That’s great that your sister is happily married . The couple I know this causes so much tension and point scoring that they are miserable.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 13-Dec-18 01:47:42

And it should be half the cost of the car, not half the difference between the price and your trade in. You each fund half the purchase price, how you do that is your own business, so you get yours from your current car and he gets his from his savings or whatever.

MutedUser Thu 13-Dec-18 01:50:03

Will your DH get the car 50% of the time? Do you drive him to work everyday or do you expect him to pay half the car and also pay for public transport to his own job ?

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 13-Dec-18 02:36:48

do you expect him to pay half the car and also pay for public transport to his own job ?

You mean like the OP does now for her own job, except she pays for the full cost of the family car by herself?

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Thu 13-Dec-18 03:08:48

I know more people with joint finances who have problems than those with separate finances. Those of you with joint finances is it because one of you is not earning? I would never want to give up my financial independence or security.

WhoKnewBeefStew Thu 13-Dec-18 03:15:05

Yes he should pay half op. I presume you've been given g him lifts, collecting dc, food shopping etc in it? If yes, then he should have been paying half well before now. The car is a family necessity regardless of who drives it, so should be treated as another Bill to be split

StoppinBy Thu 13-Dec-18 03:23:54

@wereyouhare, we are single income now but have always had joint finances even when we were both working. All our bills are taken out of our joint account and we each have our own spendings account that we debit the same amount of money in to for each of us every week.

The money in our spendings account we can do exactly what we wish with, the rest is joint money. Any 'excess money' goes in to our mortgage almost like an offset account but it is actually in our mortgage, we can draw that back if we need to though at any time.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Thu 13-Dec-18 03:35:04

You might want to retain the car as your asset, but certainly running costs should be split and you could argue that he should pay more insurance as it will increase massively. You could agree to split your current insurance and then he pays the additional amount on top. For example if you currently pay £100 per month and it will increase to £200 then you would pay £50 (half the original cost) and he pays £150. If you pay for the car yourself then at least ownership is clear.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Thu 13-Dec-18 03:43:04

Do you also have your very own assets/savings stoppin ? Does it make you feel vulnerable if not. Of course we all hope nothing will ever go wrong, but there are enough sad threads on here to know we can’t predict the future.

StoppinBy Thu 13-Dec-18 04:15:40

I sold my house and we moved in to my husbands house when we married, we remortgaged it together a few years after that to get a better interest rate.

We bought the vehicles we own outright and our more expensive vehicle is in my name, simply because I dealt with the paperwork. No I do not feel vulnerable in any way, not sure why you think I might? In fact until recently my hubby couldn't have even told you how much we had in the bank or how much extra we had against the house loan, he just didn't really care, it's called trust, a relationship must be built on it or you have no relationship at all.

Don't get me wrong, it aint all roses but I have no concerns with regards to financial vulnerability at all.

StoppinBy Thu 13-Dec-18 04:18:54

I am starting to think it might be a very English thing to keep separate finances?

I only know one couple who keep separate finances despite buying a property together and having a child, he can afford to (and does) go on holidays where he spends a fortune at least once a year as well as weekends away, she on the other hand stays home, she can't afford to go away.

They are both now back at work and he earns more than her, still everything is split with her having less disposable income than her partner, I find it quite sad TBH.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Thu 13-Dec-18 04:22:25

Because if someone has no savings/assets of their own, it does make them very vulnerable. Of course relationships are built on trust, but even those you trust can let you down.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Thu 13-Dec-18 04:25:35

I think many British people have joint finances actually. Your friend’s situation is exactly why women, particularly, should not give up their financial independence. I was a SAHM briefly and even then my DH “paid” me, as I was looking after his children. Some people are very short-sighted.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Thu 13-Dec-18 04:26:59

Although I did still have an income, even during the SAH years. My mum taught me well!

Shoxfordian Thu 13-Dec-18 06:33:12

Obviously he should be paying towards the car if he's using it

StoppinBy Thu 13-Dec-18 07:07:01

Sorry but for me that turns your relationship in to a business transaction, part of being in a relationship is in fact allowing yourself to be vulnerable in many aspects of life.

I am actually pretty surprised that you took an actual wage while being a SAHP, I don't understand the point of that when if your money was family money there is no concern about paying the bills/being owed money by your husband/wife etc and I also personally think it shows to children a lack of unity once they are old enough to understand that you split the bills like college roommates.

In the case of my friend your statement makes no sense - if they had combined money in a joint account then both would be equal, not one above the other as it is now.

You call it shortsighted…most people just call it a relationship. If my hubby and I were to split we would both be entitled to half of everything we have with allowances made for the children of course and we have significant joint savings that would be split.

Holidayshopping Thu 13-Dec-18 07:12:17

I don’t understand the mentally where anything isn’t shared but ...

Do you pay for the running, insurance, tax, repairs, mot etc now and he pays nothing, yet benefits from it?

Squirrelblanket Thu 13-Dec-18 07:18:37

I've been with my husband for thirteen years. I learned to drive one year ago, but for our whole relationship the funding for the car has always been joint because I have benefitted from it massively. It's just that I can also drive it now!

Cooella Thu 13-Dec-18 08:01:11

We lived together for years before we got married and kept our finances separate. But after marriage & kids everything is joint. Surely once you're married and have children you want to afford the same lifestyle for each other and any spare cash is jointly saved for the children? I can understand if you have a big asset like a property that was yours before you married and keeping that as your own safety net but splitting day to day bills and family costs just seems like a massive chore when the courts will decided who gets what if u split anyway.

DontCallMeCharlotte Thu 13-Dec-18 08:13:01

We pay an equal amount into the joint account which covers everything domestic including the car and works really well. I drive, DH doesn't. We're about to buy a new car which will come out of joint finances. However I pay for fuel as I use the car to commute and if I got public transport for work I would expect to pay myself. Fuel for any long joint journeys will come out of the joint account though. YANBU that he should pay but YABU to have such rigid financial arrangements.

busybarbara Thu 13-Dec-18 08:22:07

DH doesn't even know how much I earn. Keeping things separate but pooling only where necessary (e.g. mortgage) is great because you never know how things will go and personal sovereignty over finances is essential.

MutedUser Thu 13-Dec-18 09:18:45

I guess he should pay half of the car and your insurance but he is paying for lessons out if his own money. That can’t be cheap . Or do you half his lessons as he will be driving about your children so you all as a family benefit . Will you pay half of his very expensive insurance when he starts driving as again you expect him to pay half of yours . Will you be leaving him with no money if he is paying for lessons and giving you half the bills half of your insurance ?

F1ame Thu 13-Dec-18 09:29:38

Sorry OP, but I find this staggering. Who lives like this? What kind of man are you married to? Unbelievable! You have a child together but can’t manage joint finances and are still quibbling over who pays for what like a pair of flatmates? shock Why why why? This is not normal by any stretch and I’ve no idea how you cope.

MatildaTheCat Thu 13-Dec-18 09:32:34

Treat it as a joint amenity like your home. It’s for the benefit of you all so it’s funded jointly.

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