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To ask if you taught your children never to hit back in the playground?

(247 Posts)
Toomanycookies Wed 12-Dec-18 11:41:33

Curious really.
I've always taught mine to not hit back but the ones do hit back seem to be left alone afterwards and this like mine seem to face problems throughout .

Huntawaymama Wed 12-Dec-18 11:42:49

So far my eldest is only in nursery but I've said don't hit back tell a teacher

Toomanycookies Wed 12-Dec-18 11:43:03

Terrible grammar apologies my phone screen is tiny. Hopefully you get the idea!

IsThereRoomAtTheInn Wed 12-Dec-18 11:43:27

No.

They are quiet and unassuming enough without me adding to it.

Elletine Wed 12-Dec-18 11:45:45

Following with interest as DH and I cannot agree on this......

Malbecfan Wed 12-Dec-18 11:46:03

No. But you can't be the one who hits first. DD2 punched a classmate in year 1 who pushed & shoved her. Class teacher (not a parent) was horrified, Head (a parent) told DD off then said privately to me that the classmate had it coming to her. We got on famously!

IWouldPreferNotTo Wed 12-Dec-18 11:46:10

Times may have changed. Mum always said don't hit back, DAF said hit back but be aware they might hit back as well.

I went for a mix of the two and neither method worked particularly well

JustABetterPlayer Wed 12-Dec-18 11:47:01

In primary school yes, as they don’t understand context and appropriate responses but in high school good god no. I teach my boys the way they should look at it as adults, if you can’t run fight (running being preferred option regardless of how big you are).

icannotremember Wed 12-Dec-18 11:49:24

I started off that way, yes.

Ds1 ignored me anyway. He always hit back, harder. Ds1 would square up to anyone.

Ds2 listened to me. By year 2 I ended up begging him to hit back if he needed to. He had so completely taken on the "we do not hit" message that he was getting really bullied by a particular child in his class. When ds1 found out about it he sorted it out ds1 style, which I am supposed to be cross about. I was not cross.

Ds3 I will tell "never hit first. But if you are being hurt and you can't get away without hitting back, then do it. Hit back and run to safety."

ASilhouetteAndNothingMore Wed 12-Dec-18 11:49:38

Ds1 we always told to tell a teacher. Then we realised most incidents happened at lunchtime when supervision wasn't the best. We told them to stand up for themselves and their friends.
Sometimes they have to defend themselves.

IsThereRoomAtTheInn Wed 12-Dec-18 11:50:05

At nursery level there is a higher adult : child ratio so I did say don't push back etc. Especially as it was clear when I was in amongst them
most contact was accidental.

I did say keep away from aggressive kids as time went on. As I say mine don't do much fighting back anyway.

My youngest had been thumped a couple of times by a girl on his bus in secondary. He hasn't hit back so it's not come up with the school but he wouldn't be getting into trouble with me if he hit back.

MincePieMum Wed 12-Dec-18 11:54:18

DH and I disagree too. DS 7 at the moment is told not to hit back, but sometimes does. He mostly tells the teacher but will get involved in a scuffle if someone else starts it.

When playing football, he isn't using his physical strength to dominate in the same way other boys are. It's about finding a balance. If another kid deliberately kicks him to gain an advantage in the game, DS needs to learn how to respond appropriately. Which means he needs to give as good as he gets.

I get it and understand boys need to stand up for themselves. I've always taught him that we don't hit each other. When he lashes out in temper and hits me or DH, we never hit back. So no matter how badly behaved someone else is, you shouldn't hit them or physically hurt them. Even the most dangerous criminals are not punished with physical violence. And I firmly believe in this. But totally get that boys need to be able to handle themselves in a physical way or they will be targeted as weak.

How to find the balance? confused

BoswellTheWanker Wed 12-Dec-18 11:55:19

DS is four

Never hit first, but hit back and alert an adult

Toomanycookies Wed 12-Dec-18 11:56:10

Thanks.
Our situation is that we have a very aggressive new pupil who has been expelled for assaulting three kids according to them at their old school and is bragging now who they will attack that day.

I've always taught mine to tell a teacher but actually this kid is very violent when they start and I do want DC to be able to defend themselves if needs be without getting expelled.

Sethis Wed 12-Dec-18 11:57:05

Always hit back.

Elfinablender Wed 12-Dec-18 11:58:13

Always hit back. Harder.

Mulberry72 Wed 12-Dec-18 11:59:34

DS is 12 and started High School in September, and their was an incident where another pupil was going round trying to get other kids to fight him. When he started hassling DS to fight him DS refused saying he wasn’t a fighter etc and to leave him alone.

The kid then wallops DS in the side of the head from behind as he was walking away, DS turned round and punched him, knocked the kid off his feet and then walked away.

HOY phoned me to tell me what had happened and to say that they wouldn’t be taking any action as DS had defended himself, she even said between me and her that the other kid deserved it and she was really pleased someone had finally stood up to him!

So, the rule in our house is that you don’t throw the first punch ever. And you don’t hit back more than once either.

Chinks123 Wed 12-Dec-18 11:59:57

It’s hard to get the right balance so they’re not bullied. Dp has always told her to hit back, I’ve always told her to tell a teacher. So far (only in reception) she’s not been in that situation, but to be honest I would want her to defend herself, I just wouldn’t want her getting in trouble!

pombal Wed 12-Dec-18 12:00:39

Depends on school and

Sadly some schools just don’t deal with this sort of thing well and dc may have no option but to hit back or face be the victim of a bully for years.

ZigZagZebras Wed 12-Dec-18 12:02:14

I've said to say stop it and if they don't then it's ok to push them away if they're hurting you if the teacher isn't close enough to stop them.

Notthecarwashagain Wed 12-Dec-18 12:02:28

I've always told mine not to hit back because then they'll be hit back and have to return the hit and then where will it end?!
However in hindsight I wish that I hadn't, because on the odd occasion they have told a playground monitor that they've been hit/kicked they've basically been told to stop telling tales and get on with it.

ExH always said to hit back so maybe his way was right for once

WTBE Wed 12-Dec-18 12:04:19

Always defend yourself, I have seen far too many children scared of getting In trouble and allowing someone to hit them.

Walking up to someone you don't like and punching them? No.

Kid keeps pushing you into a corner/hitting you? Then yes.

EmeraldShamrock Wed 12-Dec-18 12:04:35

It depends on the DC and their personality too. I tell mine to go tell the teacher. DD aged 10 would never hit back even with permission. DS would automatically hit back I think. He is in preschool so hasn't happened in school yet, I imagine he would though.

Augusta2012 Wed 12-Dec-18 12:05:01

Yes I have. I have a limit but have fortunately never reached that and been forced to change that advice. My DS is non-confrontational and would tend to run away anyway.

My limit is, that if there was violence that the school was not dealing with, or the hitters were able to corner him and hurt him because the schools supervision was lacking, then I’d say hit back. If the people who are paid to stop this aren’t doing their jobs, then he would need to defend himself.

My first line would always be run, tell a teacher, escalate to me so I can try and sort with school. But if it really wasn’t being dealt with, I wouldn’t allow him to continue being hurt.

NameChanger22 Wed 12-Dec-18 12:05:10

I taught mine to never hit back, but to walk away and tell the teacher. I told her if she hit back she would probably be the one seen hitting and get into trouble.

I can't believe how many of you have taught to hit. Shocking.

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