Anything else sick of doing all the thinking with regards to their husbands?

[Purplehairdontcare]

I know this has been done to death on here but I need to vent.

I work part time, dh works full time. We have 2 dc. On my days off I have a toddler at home with me. I do all school/nursery drop off and pick ups.

As I work part time I fully accept that I'll end up doing more of the housework etc.

However, having 2dc, things don't just stop needing to be done on the days I work and at the weekends. In fact at weekends when everyone is home it very quickly ends up a tip.

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of being asked "what needs to be done?".

Amongst many other things.

It seems to me that dh is only motivated when something needs to be done that affects him.

His favourite phrase is, ill do it in a minute, before swiftly falling asleep.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I get where you are coming from. I feel like a nagging cow but my DH needs to be babied when it comes to any sort of organization. Except at work of course

[Boxerbinky]

I have one ds otherwise your post could have been written by me 😂 his answer for everything is: 'in a minute' usually with an eye roll - but that could be in an hour, or let's be realistic never! He is otherwise a lovely dh but it is so frustrating that he can't see what needs to be done and just do it. I am trying to train him but honestly I think it's a lost cause!

[KittyClaus]

My DH is really pro-active and hands on in lots of ways, but it's genuinely boggling my mind how since DD has started school there are a hundred little shitty things that need remembering and organising that aren't on his radar because I'm the parent who spends most time with the children (I work part time from home). From Christmas jumper day (buying one, remembering the quid in the stupid envelope), to organising all the end of term concert tickets, raffle prizes, booking school Christmas lunch attendance, keeping track of when all the different classes and sports finish and making sure everyone gets their card and little box of chocolates, to figuring out when we'll get to see Great Aunt Wotsit and making sure her gift is bought and wrapped before then, yadda yadda yadda. None of it is rocket science, but it's all relentless and it's driving me a bit nuts.

YANBU. As I said, DH is the kindest, loveliest, most hands-on man I know and I was still looking at him this morning (when we had a debate about whether DD needs to send a Christmas card to every other bloody child in her class and he said, 'yeah, just get a list of all the kids names, buy thirty cards, you write the envelopes, and then get her to write her name thirty times and draw thirty pictures and it's done isn't it?' and I just stood there with my mouth open).

In other news, my mother and wife of the year award may be lost in the post this week... (Sorry, I think I diverted your thread!)

[SilverApples]

We have a laminated household chores tick list, a noticeboard that we pin an ongoing shopping list to and notes about other stuff that needs doing. Works well for the 4 of us. We also split jobs according to skill sets and personal preferences.

[helpmum2003]

This is common and frustrating...

I think it may be the multi-tasking that they can't do easily. It is knackering for the women....

[SilverApples]

And no, it’s not a lost cause. They just need more practise. It will be one if you just let them continue with that mindset though.

[raspberryTrousers]

If you do it work at home more because of your husband working full time out of the home, it makes sense for him to ask you what needs to be done.

Get a grip.

[ChanklyBore]

Someone who leaves you to do all the management of running the house and family is not being lovely, nor hands on, they are not pulling their weight. They have been conditioned their whole lives to think that you will do it. And so have you. So you do it, and wonder how it happened, and resent it. With good reason.

Managing the household is like managing a shop. You have to deal with orders, paperwork, finances, complaints, a million extra things over and above the person who just works a shift on the counter, plus having the extra responsibility of everything being your fault if it goes wrong. You get paid extra for the extra duties and extra responsibility and the job is more stressful because the stakes are higher.

Now apply it to your home. You are not magically capable of running it any more than a male partner is incapable of multitasking FFS. It needs two In part time management roles who communicate well. Not one manager and one on the shop floor hoovering where they are told to.

[OnlineAlienator]

Mine was like it so i leftTB. I got sick of being an enabler for this misogynistic behaviour from men.

[Shaboohshoobah1]

Yes. This is me too. I hate it. I do bloody everything while my husband can manage to sit and read the news on his phone while I do all the tidying up, sorting, laundry, making sure the kids are in the right place at the right time and so on. It’s exhausting. I have been trying for years to get him to pull his weight but it doesn’t happen... drives me nuts... I have no idea how to make it better - any advice greatly appreciated!

[EvaHarknessRose]

Well, if its any help, we have arrived at sharing the mental load about twelve years on? (And there is also just too much work to go round when small children are around). I suggest a clear divsion of
Who cooks and washes up on which night
Who does admin for school, nursery and which clubs (some each)
Clean half the house each once a week properly
Etc etc
(Then stop reminding, make non-committal noises when asked ‘which bit am I on today?) Also accept if things are done in a different way or to a different standard (pride and competetiveness kicks in after a bit and it also means you can have the odd slack week). We feel like a team now.

[Trampire]

My dcs are teens and I'm on my knees with mental exhaustion.

And my DH is great with housework. He does all the laundry, bed changing, cleaning and hoovering. Honestly off his own back. Fab.

However it's the hundreds of small things I have to retain in my head that sends me into a spin...,

My own work (I work from home self employed so never really stop, answering emails, phone calls and then actually doing the work!)
The school admin! Omg. 2 sets of computerised student info portals. Consent slips, school trip payments, school bus payments, school meetings, school fund raising, over seeing homework, remembering to buy and bring in food tech/tech items, school uniform, remembering mufti day and money, remembering Carol concert times...
Along with teen mental and emotional support that is pretty constant.

All health arrangements/Admin. Keeping in top if repeat perscriptions, medication.

Buying everything for Christmas.

My DH says to me "Just ask me to do something and I'll try and do it"

Thing is, he doesn't even know the school phone number or how to make a Gp appt! I know I could tell him but then it's more mental load on me.

It's utterly exhausting.

[billybagpuss]

My DH has finally got much better (25 years in) but the funniest bit was a row over the ironing.

I have never been good at keeping on top of the ironing, we constantly had an ironing mountain the size of Everest on our kitchen table that every now and then I'd clear. He would sometimes take a couple of his bits out and iron them then get annoyed at me when I eye rolled with the words 'I don't want to spend all afternoon ironing' to which he got the response 'no shit Sherlock, neither do I'

About a year ago this came to a head, I exploded in decibels previously unknown to man, 'thats it, I'm not ironing anymore' I folded the clothes up, put them on the relevant beds and rejoiced in a tidy kitchen. He had a bit of a hissy and said 'ok I'll do my own' I won't deny being a bit miffed having done the whole bloody lot for 25 years but said nothing.

Week 1: he duly gets the ironing board out, irons his bits and puts them a way.
Week 2: Same thing, but I could sense a little more reluctance, although to be fair he did ask if I wanted anything done.
Week 3: He put everything away straight away un-ironed and now just irons single items if needed as does everyone else.

Yes I do still do the laundry but thats ok as its trade off on the bins and clearing the cat mess off the lawn before mowing it.

[Timeforabiscuit]

To be blunt, your dh will continue to do this while you do the work.

Things that can help;

1. make specific jobs his area, if he's full time he'll still get a lunch break to shop around for insurance/ book in car MOT/ pick up parcels/organise holidays/book dentist. Dont book appointments on his behalf or do thinking for him, treat him like an adult.
   
   
2. make boundaries clear i.e. i'm not buying for your mums present and card, unless you're volunteering to buy for mine?
   
   
3. Get them included in the school newsletter email, if they dont send one take a photo and send it to them - when they get home ask if there was anything in there that needs covering as you havent read it.
   In ours there is at least one item which will set off general annoyance at the pettiness of bureaucracy, or fuckwittedness of people more generally - so is a great read!

[MsTSwift]

www.huffpost.com/entry/the-default-parent_b_6031128

You are the default parents see above

[Drogonssmile]

I regularly have to remind DH about this but he is getting better and does tend to do a lot of the school runs for DS1 while I take DS2 to nursery as its next to my work but I still seemed to be the one organising all the Christmas party stuff, non uniform days, nativity tickets etc. I recently sent him a calendar of all the activities over Xmas and what bits I wanted him to do which has worked well. A pain doing that but at least not everything gets left to me.

[chaplin1409]

We have this problem too. I have been home with the kids since my eldest was born 17 years ago but I returned to work last year 3 days a week. I did start a college course in Sept 1 day a week but dropped it as I could not keep up with every thing. I don't get why he makes out he is doing me a favour when he picks the kids up instead of me doing it. He also is a leader in a organisation which take him out 1 night a week, paper work another and then at least 1 weekend.

[SnuggyBuggy]

To be honest I have just started losing my shit with DH every time he fucks up in this way. Even if it's not appropriate, for example in laws were over, I told him about some plans I had made with a friend, he made clashing plans with MIL literally within a fucking hour of me telling him said plans.

[hottoflop]

See, my husband half does this and then half does things off his own back. You'd think this would be good but I end up getting cross with him that he's doing it to be a dick and make me feel bad. I am VVVVU.

[Fancycatpants]

I allocate all the shit tasks to DH, like cleaning the cooker.

If he complains, I tell him that I’m the project manager of the house, and if he has a problem with his duties he is welcome to step up to the role and he can allocate tasks to me instead, but it means keeping track of everything that needs to be done.

This is the best compromise I can come up with. I still have all the mental load, but he can’t complain about the jobs I give to him

[Fleurchamp]

Snap OP.

I have no problem with doing the lion share of the housework but at weekends I do expect him to pull his weight.
I get asked what needs to be done too which annoys me because my reaction is usually- "you live here too, what do you think needs to be done?" But I have realised that this doesn't work with him.
So, we sit down one evening and meal plan, write a list of jobs to be done that week and anything extra like school things, presents. I still do the lionshare but at least he can see now how much I have on my plate.
I also find that if he is more involved he takes on more.

[crochetmonkey74]

I have got a lovely DP who is brilliant- but we fall into this trap, we want to know how to improve it- but we are struggling

We came up with the idea of a 'master list or whiteboard' but it turned out I would still be the one writing on it

If you have successfully managed to split the mental load, how did you do it? I would welcome genuine opinions and ideas

[ShadowHuntress]

See I’m in (sort of) the same boat as you but the difference is I’m a shm and dh works full time.

I have no issues with taking on all the household duties and he will help with school runs when he is working a late shift. He’s brilliant like that, if I ask him to do something, he will do it - eventually.

My issue is because I take on all the mental load and all the organising of the 3 dc, if I’m sick, the whole house comes to a stand still. I have a very nasty infection and was hospitalised for 3 days and am now back home on bed rest. It’s the worse possible time as dc all have their various Xmas plays and parties and costumes etc. Dh just can’t cope. He’s actually left the younger 2 with my parents cause he couldn’t manage getting them all up and ready in the morning! Older dc is pretty self sufficient so she’s here with us.

He’s also out 2 nights a week for his hobby which he goes to straight after work. So he leaves at 8am and comes back 11-1am 2 nights a week

[RyderWhiteSwan]

No woman should have to parent their partner.