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AIBU?

To stop doing anything for my son?

116 replies

RudeDS · 11/12/2018 11:46

Adult Son aged 25 lives with me. Pays no rent, no bills and has 24/7 access to broadband, Sky TV in his room (paid for by me) and invites his friends round as and when he wants. I also make all his meals for him.

He has borderline personality disorder so not sure if it’s part of his condition. Earlier this year I went on holiday for 2 weeks, I asked him to feed the cats – I left enough food for 3 weeks plus money in case he ran out (expected him to use it on himself). He refused to feed them, saying he wouldn’t know what to do put a pouch in the bowl and top up the water, not difficult. Thankfully my DD whose older than him was available and fed them for me, but he then moaned when DD took the £20 I’d left and bought a magazine and a bar of chocolate for herself and a cheap £1 DVD for her DD. He also complained that she bought her then 2 year old with her as she apparently makes too much noise when he’s trying to sleep (she’s now 3 and is a happy girl, who has problems communicating so does get overexcited and squeal or shout random things when she’s very happy – I love it but Son says it’s annoying and she needs to be quiet).

He sleeps all day and then is up all night. Complains when GD comes over but invites his friends over from 10pm onwards when I have to be up for work the next day – I never complain.

Yesterday I saw some new pieces of furniture I wanted – a chest of drawers and a new toy box for my GDs toys (she has a box of toys at my house). I rang my son asking if he would help me carry the furniture up from my car to our flat (we live in a block, we’re on the 1st floor – 1 set of stairs so not far at all). He shouted down the phone that I’d woken him up, that it was the middle of the night for him and we shouldn’t be encouraging my GD to want to come to my house anyway as his sister (my DD) already doesn’t look after her often as it is* so no he won’t help me and then hung up on me.

I cried having him be so rude to me. I do so much for him and he can’t help me do one small thing.

So I’ve done nothing for him – not put his clothes that are in the basket in the washing machine, only cooked food for myself, and have text my DD to say I’ll go pick GD up from Nursery at 3pm.

AIBU? Or too harsh due to his disorder meaning he was always going to be so rude to me?

*My DD is 27, is a single parent to GD aged 3. DD works 3 days a week so GD is in Nursery, but to make the days shorter for GD I pick her up on 1 or 2 of those days and take her to mine. I also cook a Sunday dinner every Sunday for DD and EO Sunday for GD and they eat this at my house. My DD is a brilliant parent, GD has SN (as said previously) but tries her hardest to be polite and is a happy child – all the reports from her Nursery describe her as a contented, well liked child and I know that’s due to my DD who has a firm but fair attitude to parenting and does pull GD up on her bad behaviour while taking into consideration her SN. DD picks GD up from me and if I ever can’t pick GD up she gets her herself and never asks me to babysit or do extra childcare than what I offer. And DD helps me with Sunday dinner, either by providing a pudding or by cooking it herself at my house while I play with my GD and chat to my dad who also comes.

OP posts:
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PristineCondition · 11/12/2018 11:48

Time for him to move out.

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BorisAndDoris · 11/12/2018 11:50

He can get his own place. PD or not, he's a freeloading bum who has zero respect for you.

Kick him out. NOW. And don't piss about doing it either. No paying his rent, washing his clothes or cooking his meals other than the usual Sunday roast. He is an adult.

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StylishMummy · 11/12/2018 11:50

You've raised a selfish cocklodger

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arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2018 11:51

Of course yanbu.
You have to do something, otherwise this is it for the rest of your life.

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Duchessgummybuns · 11/12/2018 11:51

Your son is a spoiled selfish twat and you’ve enabled him I’m sorry to say. Give him a week’s notice for the sake of fairness then tell him to sling his hook.

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UhUhUhDennis · 11/12/2018 11:52

Yep time for him to go he's 25. There's so many diagnosis today in regards to mental health. Doesn't mean he isn't also a lazy selfish little brat. Toughen up and get him out.

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Branleuse · 11/12/2018 11:53

id kick him out.
Id possibly maybe help him to get housed in some sort of supported housing if he has MH issues to the extent that he needs help, but you arent even obliged to do that. He is abusive. Its one thing taking shit from a child, but what are you gonna do? Act like his abused wife for the rest of your life? Youre not actually doing him any favours at all

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Beebee8 · 11/12/2018 11:53

Does he work?

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RudeDS · 11/12/2018 11:55

No doesn't work claims some sort of benefit but I'm not sure what I just see the letters addressed to him come through the door and I'd never open his mail.

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Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2018 11:55

Your son is useless. I'd be telling him he has one week to get the hell out of my house. Set yourself free from this nightmare.

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RudeDS · 11/12/2018 11:56

He's named on the tenancy (Council flat) so not sure I can actually kick him out.

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FlashByReputation · 11/12/2018 11:56

Get him out. Let him argue the toss with flatmates coming and going during the day and disturbing his ridiculous sleep schedule. He needs a dose of reality my dear! What else is going to happen? You and him live like this together forever? People with this condition live relatively normal lives and some don't have families to take advantage of in this way. Give him the boot, he clearly needs it!

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FlashByReputation · 11/12/2018 11:57

If he won't move than perhaps you will have to. I'm sure you can have him removed from the tenancy, contact your landlord.

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Notatallobvious · 11/12/2018 11:58

He needs to move out and stand on his own two feet. If you don’t make a stand now you’ll be stuck with him for the rest of your life. It’s a good start withdrawing all favours but he needs to go, while you’re enabling him to freeload and doing everything for him he will never go! Has he ever had a job? Might be worth speaking to citizens advice about what his options are regarding housing/support if he needs it for his issues.

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KurriKurri · 11/12/2018 12:00

A large part of your post is you justifying why you have your own DD, your GD and your Dad over to your own house.
This is the mind set your Ds has induced in you, that you feel the need to explain why you have family over.
It is your house, you can have whoever over whenever you like.

Your DS needs to go - personality disorder or not, he is being controlling rude and abusive to you. You have a right not to live your life this way.

The sleeping all day thing is something he needs help with to sort out - he's completely reversed his pattern. This happened to my DS when he was suffering from depression. But he got help from the GP to sort his problems out. You can't let your sleeping disorder impact everyone else's life.

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Notatallobvious · 11/12/2018 12:00

Just read your update, if he is named on the tenancy (are you as well?) then it’s time for you to move out (and take all your stuff with you!)

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Aria2015 · 11/12/2018 12:03

Having mental health issues is not a blanket excuse for acting like an entitled brat. You definitely need to push back on his behaviour as it sounds like he's making your life pretty miserable. Not feeding your cats is ridiculous. I assume while you were away he managed to feed himself? So how an earth can he say (with a straight face) that he can't feed cats? The result was that your daughter was inconvenienced and had to do it, I'm sure as a single mother popping round daily to feed them was an extra thing she didn't need so for both your sakes you need to confront his behaviour and stop pandering to him and making excuses.

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tissuesosoft · 11/12/2018 12:05

You’re in an abusive relationship- doesn’t matter if he’s your son. He’s controlling, rude and lazy. Give him a month to move out. Maybe make a list of agencies he can approach for housing support- local council, local mental health services etc. Switch off the WiFi when you leave and take the hub with you or change the password. Let him know his friends are not welcome round anymore.

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butterfly56 · 11/12/2018 12:06

You have 2 choices IMO

Carry on living like this with the self centred, abusive and nasty all round awful adult kid or....

Move him out asap and get your life back!

He's not going to miraculously change his behaviour towards you or your family because he has no respect for any of you.

He seems to have plenty of friends so he obviously can interact with others without being abusive to them.

Sorry OP but I don't think you are going to find the strength to get rid of him any time soon because he probably scares the life out of you, which happens quite a lot in any kind of abusive relationship.

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PerfectPeony · 11/12/2018 12:07

You sound like a lovely Mum, but you have done way too much for him and it has backfired. He’s an adult and you deserve to be treated with respect.

Does he have any intention of getting a job? Can you alter the tenancy? If he is on the tenancy why is he not paying rent? If he’s on benefits then take the benefit money. You need to stand up for yourself OP- get your Dad and daughter to help.

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gamerchick · 11/12/2018 12:08

A personality disorder is no excuse for what he's doing.

He or you needs to move out. In the meantime just stop. Cancel the broadband, shop day to day foodwise and do nothing for him at all.

You are mainly responsible for this happening and should have nipped it in the bud years ago.

Is he actually on the tenancy or just named as living there? Do the letters come addressed to you both?

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RoboticMary · 11/12/2018 12:09

If he’s named on the tenancy, can you move instead? This is horrible OP - I’m genuinely staggered.

I know he’s your son and you love him, but youve done too much for him. I’m guilty of this with my DC, because I want to show them I love them and care for them, but it hasn’t done him any favours at all. I mean this kindly! - but you’re setting him up for an unhappy life if you keep catering to him like this. What other woman will put up with this nonsense? No one - he’s an overgrown child. It’s more than time for him to shoulder adult responsibilities - it needs to start immediately, today, this instant.

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Beaverhausen · 11/12/2018 12:13

Cut his sky, do not feed him, do not clean for him and find yourself somewhere else to move to. He is a grown man sn or not he owes you respect.

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PumpkinKitty82 · 11/12/2018 12:14

You’ve been enabling him for far too long and the fact you say you “never complain” just shows him he can do what he likes .
He’s 25 ffs! Tell him to move out and start acting like a bloody adult , not a spoilt 15 year old .
He’s treating you like a mug

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mummmy2017 · 11/12/2018 12:15

Another who thinks you should block him on the hub.
Stop the wife/mum work.
I would find out how he is on the tenancy, also think of moving.... Leave him to it and reclaim your life.

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