To be upset with the expectation of sex

[bruise]

I'll try to post this without rambling but I'm upset and finding it hard.

Last night, cuddling husband in bed. His hands wander, I tell him as he's exhausted and really needs the sleep rather than sex. He says "but I miss you". Translation, "I miss sex". I point out we had sex twice last week. His response was "and that's more than we've had in the past year".

Here's my last 12 months.
-Heavily pregnant
-Given birth. Stiched up. Piles.
-Establishing breastfeeding. Permanent baby-boob contact.
-2 weeks later, my dad dies. Fly to Spain without my baby for funeral. Hideous funeral at a mosque, see his face, body covered in a cloth, buried in a weird brick hole, filled in with concrete. Can't deal with this but I'm told by my dad's Muslim family that it's normal.. (I was brought up by my mum in England, not religious). Still struggling with the impact his death/funeral has had on me.
-baby doesn't sleep well. Exhausted.
-Struggle with breastfeeding after being away from baby for 2 days. Try to re establish good supply for 3 months. Ultimately fail.
-sell house. Buy new house. Move. Unpack. All while toddler has chicken pox.
-overnight trips to Spain to deal with my dad's affairs, empty his apartment etc

Plus all the day to day shit, housework, looking after the children, cooking, KIT days at work. Etc.

But I'm still measured on how much sex I've been "providing".

I tell him all this and has just says "I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you"

I feel so inadequate. I feel angry because who the fuck is anyone to make me feel like that. But I still feel it. We went through all this with our first baby, I'm upset it's still an issue.

[Jezebel101]

He loves you, he misses you, he told you he didn't mean to upset you. You've had a terrible time and too many challenges over the last year, I don't know how you're coping but well done for doing so, but it's okay that he misses intimacy. That's what makes couples different from friends, it's what bonds people. When you love someone and want them, it's a good thing not an unreasonable demand.

Try to see things from his perspective. You've had a huge amount of things that have taken priority, and that's understandable. But it's understandable that he might want to be your first priority for fifteen minutes to re-establish that intimate bond in the middle of all this messy life stuff.

He misses you, your attention and your body. There's nothing wrong in that. It doesn't have to be interpreted as unreasonable. It would be far worse if he didn't care if he never had sex or intimate moments again.

[Merename]

Yanbu. That sounds like a shitty year, and regardless, the idea of ‘conjugal rights’ is so medieval yet so entrenched in both the male and female psyche, hence you feeling inadequate yet angry. We’ve had times like this in our relationship and I think the only solution is talking about it on an ongoing basis. It’s ok he wants sex; it’s ok you don’t - but in a respectful relationship you both need to try to understand the other’s experience and find a way through. My DH had a few lightbulb moments with the whole MeToo movement, in that he says he never realised what a universal experience harassment of women is/has been, as he doesn’t see it happen, and this made him reflect on the male sense of entitlement to sex as being totally made up. I want sex with him more when that sense of expectation is less, which I think he gets now in a way he didn’t used to.

[Racecardriver]

You are clearly having a hard time. Have you considered that you might have PND?

[Racecardriver]

I say this as someone who had an extremely similar year down to islamic burial of a parent and everything. It’s hard to keep your head straight in those circumstances.

[Puggles123]

It seems he has been respectful of the fact that you don’t want to, but is just being honest. I think that both of those things are healthy in a relationship, ie honesty and being respectful.

[bruise]

I just want to clarify my saying hideous about the funeral as out may have sounded harsh - it was a concrete expanse with a concrete mixer going in the background, rows of little tombs sunk into the ground, it left me dumbfounded. not like any mosque/religious occasion I've experienced growing up when spending time with my dad and his family

[OhShizzle]

I feel for you both.

You are struggling but he seems to be too. And I understand wanting sex as a connection, not as a means to an end.

Its hard missing someone's touch and kiss.

[Blondebakingmumma]

He’s lucky he’s had sex two times! Sorry for your loss

[bruise]

Racecardriver

You are clearly having a hard time. Have you considered that you might have PND?

I have considered it but I end up thinking "but am I just tired? How do i know if it's pnd?". Then I get distracted by the children and have no time to think about it until I'm feeling shitty again.

[lau888]

How can he "miss you" when he's right next to you? Are you invisible if you don't have sex? That's so thoughtless and unkind. Condolences on your loss. WD on coping with such a full year. x

[Propertywoe]

Your original language started a conversation as him being exhausted was the reason for not having sex. If you had told him you didn’t he hopefully would respect your wishes and drop the expectations.

[bruise]

When my first baby was 5 months old, I found out my husband had set up a Tumblr page where he posted x rated pictures of himself and he has been sending messages girls with similar pages. One that stuck on my mind was "You have a beautiful body. You know how to make a man happy!". I think that's why this hurts this time, it's dredged all that up in my mind again and compounded the feeling of inadequacy.

[lynnepot]

The pair of you could probably do with a weekend away for two in the new year. Let one of the grandparents take care of little one(s).

[SheStoopsToConker]

When my first baby was 5 months old, I found out my husband had set up a Tumblr page where he posted x rated pictures of himself and he has been sending messages girls with similar pages.

And you decided to have another baby with this man? It really makes me sad to see how many women take men back after this kind of behaviour.

[Wannabeyorkshirelass]

Huge drip feed.

He did nothing wrong in the first scenario. He's allowed to have feelings - and he meant he misses the closeness and intimacy that you used to have.

He did everything wrong in the second scenario and you clearly aren't over it.

[kitkatsky]

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. You've had a crap year but he's being very understanding and supportive and apologised for hurting you. I'd be inclined to both cut each other some slack and compromise where you can?

[NameChangeOhNameChange1]

When my first baby was 5 months old, I found out my husband had set up a Tumblr page where he posted x rated pictures of himself and he has been sending messages girls with similar pages.

Er....what?! That changes things

[coolestmum]

When my first baby was 5 months old, I found out my husband had set up a Tumblr page where he posted x rated pictures of himself and he has been sending messages girls with similar pages.

WTF? That changes everything. Why on earth did you forgive that? That would have been a deal breaker for me, baby or no baby, he'd have been out the door.

[BonfiresOfInsanity]

My DH also says he misses me when he wants sex. He spends the rest of the time ignoring me in the main so it really pisses me off when I get the guilt trip of that.

[Huntawaymama]

When I read you first post I felt for you both, it's so hard when you have a baby and you sound like you've had the most horrible year. I think for most couples the intamacy that comes with sex is important and that can be missed. I currently have a 5m old and she wants to be on the boob all night. I want to have sex with my husband but my God I am so tired, I manage twice a week atm but I know he misses more intamacy. However, after your second comment about after you had your first baby I can't understand how you managed to have another baby with him, I don't know that I'd ever get over that. Maybe you should see you GP if anything just to rule out PND

[Yohooo]

Massive drip feed which changes things a bit.

I’m so sorry about your father. That is very sad 💐

What about counselling for you and your husband? I’m not sure I would have hurried to have another baby with him.

[Ratterschnatter]

Oh gosh OP, really feel for you. I was going to repeat what kitkatsky had said about cutting each other some slack because everything you feel was how I (and I'm sure millions of women have felt)... Until I read your later post about what he'd done whilst your first baby was only 5 months old.

That was utterly unforgivable of him and up to that point, I was thinking what a wonderful, patient DH I thought you had. Has he expressed any remorse for that? Because if he hasn't then I don't hold out much hope. He needs to be patient and understanding and then your sex life (and marriage) could get back on track (mine did!) but he can't be behaving like that. Just no.

[BumbleBeee69]

tell him to back the hell off

[NotAColdWomanHenry]

Whether you are depressed or not, anybody would be having a wobble after that year, I'm so sorry OP. Seeing the GP might help, you could maybe have a thyroid test, or might need some supplements, especially iron if you don 't take it already.

But re your H, he sounds awful. I can't help really because all I can say is I left mine and I'm a lot happier without him. I love going to bed without feeling like I should be having sex.

for you. You are far from inadequate.