To think my sons school isn't doing enough?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

My son is Aug born and one of the youngest. In yrs R and 1 his teacher was strict. He genuinely had glowing reports and she had no concerns. She made one passing comment that he can occasionally be a little boisterous but she said hes young and likes to have fun. She said she had no concerns and wasnt misbehaving.

Im now being told by his yr 3 teacher that he is easily distracted, messes about and sometimes back chats. She gives him several warnings before taking action and isnt very strict. My son responds well to firm boundaries and discipline. She said in yr 2 they try to encourage them to choose the right behaviour rather than in yrs r and 1 where theyr are just told what to do.

She said his behaviour is getting worse and whilst at the moment academically hes doing well this will slip if his behaviour doesnt improve... one e.g is in assembly he doesnt sit still, he figits and messes around however when hes fully engaged he sits and learns/plays really well. Im firm at home.

I have noticed even in yr r and 1 but im noticing it more now that in say a school play or singing, the others stand quietly and sing or just listen whereas he figits, laughs or looks around and forgets to sing. He doesnt have adhd or anything else.. hes not that bad i dont think (but could be much better) .. but essentially hes just a happy, excitable little boy who's easily distracted and isnt great at sitting silently! Has anyone else gone through this?

I wish id held him back a year now as hes not mature enough to start juniors next year but i think its too late now (i.e. get him to re do yr 2 - in another school).

[itssquidstella]

How are you dealing with his behaviour at home?

[Holidayshopping]

What exactly do you want the school to do? What is his behaviour like at home?

[Sethis]

I'm confused as to what it is about this situation involves the school not doing enough.

[FloofenHoofen]

Another parent who downplays their child's behaviour. How is it the schools issue to resolve his behaviour? You are the parent. You parent and discipline him not the school.

[MrsStrowman]

So 'he's not that bad' and it's the school who are not doing enough? 🤨. If his behaviour isn't acceptable in certain circumstances those lessons start at home. He is old enough to be making choices about his behaviour, his teacher is right. I'm not sure when being born in the summer became an excuse? My DB and I were both late summer babies and I started school nursery and then reception particularly early, we were never held to a lesser standard than any other child in the class. Ok so you hold him back a year, do nothing to address his behaviour/attitude, will it miraculously improve with age...?

[Holidayshopping]

Im now being told by his yr 3 teacher that he is easily distracted, messes about and sometimes back chats. She gives him several warnings before taking action and isnt very strict.

How can he repeat year 2 if he’s in year 3 now?!

[HexagonalBattenburg]

It's a bit wrong of the school to lead you to believe there were no issues and then suddenly drop it on you out of the blue in Y3... obviously there were some issues going on prior to that.

With the fidgeting - ask the school if they have a wobble cushion they could try with him. They're fucking amazing - the child's arse can be going squirming like crazy (my daughter has dyspraxia and lots of movement-seeking behaviour as a result of that) giving them the need some kids have to fidget and yet the top half of them that shows to the rest of the world is sat beautifully still - meaning they don't end up in bother for it.

Some kids do just have that need to move around - there are plenty of sensory explanations for it but I won't go into them on AIBU as the place is not exactly conducive to a calm and balanced discussion. The wobble cushion's worth a try though - they can be absolutely amazing. We also have a gym ball at home and I encourage DD2 to fling herself around and roll all over on it and get it out of her system a bit that way (like I say - she has SN reasons why she fidgets and squirms).

[HexagonalBattenburg]

Another one we do to help DD2 which is easy and cheap (basically giving her the chance to get the movement she needs without disrupting anyone else or driving teachers barmy) is we have those gym resistance bands around the legs of her chair so she can push her legs against them and get that feeling of moving and knowing where her body is - without doing anything negative like rocking on her chair. Her legs are going boing boing boing against it - but she's still and not squirming around and falling off her chair... just a little thing.

[arethereanyleftatall]

So, to clarify, your son misbehaves, and disrupts the class, and this is the teachers fault? Um.

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

Always the teachers fault 🙄

A teacher is there to educate your child, not parent him. You need to teach him to listen to all appropriate adults and not just the ones who are strict.

YABVU

[Somewhereovertherainbow13]

Year R and Year 1 have a lot of children showing these behaviours yet in Year 2 most children settle down and begin to focus for longer periods. If your child is not capable of this it tends to be Year 2 that it becomes obvious and then sometimes starts to be an actual concern

[BumsexAtTheBingo]

Sounds like his behaviour was age appropriate when he was younger but the other children are maturing now and the age gap and accompanying behaviour is starting to become an issue. Though I wouldn’t entirely blame his age. Most summer norms are capable of sitting through an assembly by year 2. I’m sure if you have the solution to getting your son to behave in a classroom environment (baring in mind the teacher won’t be able to give him the individual attention you can at home) his teacher will be all ears.

[BumsexAtTheBingo]

*summer borns

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Sorry! I've realised i've confused you all! Hes in year 2! (Ive got next yr, yr 3 on my mind applying for schools). Hes currently yr 2.

Ok I should also say Im not one to just blame the school! Its my role to bring him up and their role to educate however part of education is to discipline in school.

The head last yr the teacher was stricter. She also said that one on one hes great. I said at home he will read or do crafts or build lego for hours on end. Hes an only child and gets lots of attention from me but he also has to play on his own which he does well. She said if he had one on one in school she had no doubt hed be much better. Of course its not possible but i cant teach him how to behave in a class of 30 kids.. im not there.

At home im strict and his behaviour is overall good. I do make sure he socialises with other children but as i say i cant be in school giving him the strict discipline or the 1 to 1 he responds so well to.

Somewhere over the rainbow thats helpful.. he hasnt settled down yet and i dont know if its because his teacher this yr isnt strict like last years or if hes just not matured enough yet.. he only turned 6 in august. Half his class are already 7.

[Talith]

My eldest was a bit like this but calmed down a lot when in secondary where the rules were more strict. If you think he might have attention issues but they're not significant enough for school or go to help refer you then you can get a private assessment but it's not cheap. I know a mum who did this for her daughter and it gave her some comfort to know in black and white which areas she particularly struggled with.

His sparky personality is now winning him a new tribe of similar types (as opposed to at junior where he was a bit of the odd one out). Summer babies are often significantly immature and I don't always think this gets enough understanding, especially if they're not petite or shorter than their peers.

[arethereanyleftatall]

'I can't teach him how to behave in a class of 30'
I disagree wholeheartedly with this. Of course you can. That's your role.

[BumsexAtTheBingo]

I think maybe being strict at home and telling him what to do all the time isn’t helping him. He needs to start taking a bit of responsibility for his own behaviour. The teacher can’t give him 1-1 attention so I would be letting him make more of his own choices at home with appropriate praise/consequences and hopefully he’ll be able to behave with a bit less guidance at school. I doubt he was behaving any better in yr r and 1 it’s probably just that there are higher expectations for behaviour now he’s moving up the school.

[totallyrandom]

I would ask the teacher to communicate daily with you via a notebook (if you are not there at pick-up) so you know how your son behaved that day. In that way you can reinforce good behaviour at home ie reward at end of week if he gets e.g. 3 stickers for being good. I think all children are better one to one. Your son sounds like a lovely boy who is clever and will learn quickly if he knows that you know exactly how he has behaved at school. It is often about communication between teacher and parent.

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Are there any.. believe me i tell him daily .. " you must sit silently in assembly and not mess around". Ive signes him up to a drama club to help. Could you please suggest how else I can teach him to behave him a class of 30? Im genuinely asking as I will do anything.

I really am not the type of parent to blame the school...if they said "he doesnt eat nicely".. of course . Thats my fault! I nees to teach him to eat nicely not the school. We are talking about assemblies and in the classroom. How can i simulate this environment? Invite 30 kids to my house and tell them to sit in silence for 20 mins?

He does swimming football and beavers and if im there watching believe me i tell him off if i see hes not sat quietly listening. Im not sure what else i can do? I make him sit quietly and listen to me read as well as vice versa.

I believe he responds well to discipline and i think his class teacher could be stricter like the one he had last yr.

His teacher said in assembly he was given 2 warnings then a 10 sec timer. Thats 2 chances too many in my view? Youre told once and maybe one warning and thats it! How can 3 warnings be strict enough? She said its to encourage them to make their own choices without simply forcing them... i disagree... 6 year olds need to be told, do this now or x y z consequence... bring back the cane i say!! (Joking)

[arethereanyleftatall]

Ok, fair enough. Problem is you can't change teachers personality/way of teaching, so the only thing is to work in your ds. Like a pp said, he needs to be able to cooperate with all teachers, not just the strict ones. So,
Could he be getting too much attention at home? So that he's so used to the focus only being on him, that's he's unable to share it?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

He does get a lot of one on one at home but not too much. He has to amuse himself when im cooking etc and he plays quietly constructing lego aged 7 or 8 plus wonderfully...this is when he shines. His maturity level at school just doesnt seem as good though :-/ he seems very immature to be honest. At home he can be immature but often he is very mature and kind helpful and caring. Its just so upseting that his teacher is telling me these things.. im working with them but dreading collecting him today when she speaks to me.

Its sad as he says mummy i want to behave well and yes i will behave well. He responds well at home to praise and when praised he then falls over himself to do more... he will ask to help me cook or clean or whatever. He often says mummy i want to be helpful. I praise a lot and that seems to be what he respondds to. Then he arrives at school, sees a naughty kid and starts being silly :-/

[LIZS]

Have you ever considered having him assessed? Distractibility, fidgeting, unable to focus, difficulties in groups, gaps between ability and written work etc may well indicate an spld. Some children can focus within firm boundaries but struggle when expected to work independently or in activities, or after a period of concentration.

[BumsexAtTheBingo]

But the point is the teacher can’t force 30 kids to behave at any given time - they are expected to take a reasonable amount of responsibility for eg sitting in assembly in year 2. In my kids school the reception kids don’t go to assembly and I think yr 1 go to some. By year 2 they are expected to be able to sit and behave. When you say he should be told one time and that’s it what do you expect? That he be removed from the assembly? That might be what he wants and where are they going to find a member of staff to accompany him?
You can’t simulate an environment of 30 kids at home but you can encourage him to take some responsibility for his own behaviour rather than it needing to be constantly managed for him.

[Sethis]

So is this about the school in general, or this specific teacher? It sounds like the latter.

Your objection is that she isn't strict enough with your child? Because policy is policy - if the school has a system in place to manage misbehaviour then that's what she has to enforce. Of course there's room for interpretation and application, but fundamentally every teacher has to sing from the same hymn sheet. For every parent who thinks the policy is too lax, there will be another parent equally convinced that it's too harsh.

If you want practice for him with regards to sitting for long periods with groups of people then consider taking him to public events every now and again, ideally ones that don't cost anything. Stuff like Church, Music performances, Pantomines, Theatre, Poetry readings, stuff like that. Stay as long as you can manage without him seriously disrupting the proceedings, and leave at any point when you think he's had enough, because you've got nothing invested in the event, it's literally just practice to get him used to sitting in groups of people listening to something.

He does also need to get used to more autonomy - teachers cannot give him 1-1 all the time, he has to learn to self-manage his behaviour, so best to start doing that at home as well. Monitor less, and give random positive feedback when he behaves well.

The age thing is IMO not a get out of jail free card when it comes to maintaining parity with his peers. I'm a July 20th kid and managed just fine.

[pinkdelight]

"you must sit silently in assembly and not mess around".... or else?

As you say he needs discipline, and you think the school's warning system is too lenient, do you set consequences for if he doesn't sit silently and not mess around as agreed?