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Should I admit to 12 year lie? (Probably not as interesting as you think though, sorry)

(57 Posts)
Braneycat Sun 09-Dec-18 23:02:10

So me and DH have been together 12 years. We got together really young (16) and while I was experienced sexually, he wasn't. I think most women would agree that we were taught that the male orgasm was more important than our own, and as he was quite insecure about my sexual partners and lack of his own, I faked most of my orgasms. Its now been 12 years, he has long gotten over his insecurities, but I'm still faking. He thinks it only takes me a couple of minutes, but in reality I'm worried about it taking longer incase he thinks there's an issue and I feel really self conscious when I try to orgasm in my own time. Should I just own up so we can work through it together? I do actually enjoy our sex life, but we've had a big rocky patch recently and I was very honest about alot of things and it was very helpful in opening communication, but I think I might need some male ego navigating here.

Braneycat Sun 09-Dec-18 23:04:04

Forgot to say, posted her for traffic so sorry if it's not totally appropriate!

Lovingbenidorm Sun 09-Dec-18 23:05:29

Under no circumstances tell him you’ve been faking it for 12 years!!! His manhood would shrivel up
Why don’t you gently introduce other stuff in the bedroom ?

peachypetite Sun 09-Dec-18 23:06:54

Oh my god. You've been putting up with crap sex for 12 years and suddenly want to come clean? I'm not sure how that's going to go down. What has made you want to be honest after all this time? Maybe others will have better advice. I think you are going to have to handle this really carefully.

Youmadorwhat Sun 09-Dec-18 23:08:12

I would use the rocky patch as the excuse. Just tell him ever since you’ve been finding it hard to climax etc etc can we try some new things?

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 09-Dec-18 23:08:28

I don't think there is any benefit telling him.

I think it's probably best to move forward by trying to deal with your hang ups ( feeling self conscious) and talk about trying new things.

I think you should stop faking now though.

Butteredghost Sun 09-Dec-18 23:08:40

No I wouldn't tell him. But stop faking. If he wonders why things are different, tell him "yes it's weird isn't it, I guess my body is changing as I get older" or something like that.

Noeuf Sun 09-Dec-18 23:08:55

Just say you're finding it hardest to come as quickly and isn't that weird and can you try some other stuff.

Elphie54 Sun 09-Dec-18 23:08:58

Never should have lied in the first place, but that ship has sailed. I’d be really hurt if I found out my DP was faking for 12 years. I’d think if you could lie about that, what else are you lying about?

Stop faking immediately.

SuchAToDo Sun 09-Dec-18 23:09:12

Nooooo if you say you have lied for 12 years he will wonder what else you are lying about...

You will just have to introduce/try new stuff in bedroom where you get to touch and explore each others bodies (so you can both see what feels good)..and if you find something that feels good get him to do more of it...but you are going to have to stop faking orgasms and instead work on having the real thing

Braneycat Sun 09-Dec-18 23:09:49

That's what I thought sad

I think trying to work on and repair our relationship, and our sex life is one of the things that was suffering. Like I said we got together so young and I know myself so much better now, but I don't know how to approach this so that we can both be happier with it.
I'm happy keeping it to myself though, his feelings are more important!

greendale17 Sun 09-Dec-18 23:10:35

*I’d be really hurt if I found out my DP was faking for 12 years. I’d think if you could lie about that, what else are you lying about?*

^I agree

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 09-Dec-18 23:11:08

No his feelings aren't more important. That is what got you into this mess.

Has he made you feel you cant talk to him?

Braneycat Sun 09-Dec-18 23:11:24

@Elphie54 I was 16 when we first started dating, and didn't know my own body. The amount of sexual partners I had didn't really amount to much quality, and we've grown together. Its not meant to form an existential crisis.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver Sun 09-Dec-18 23:11:25

shock how have you done this for 12 years!
I think coming clean would really upset him, it would upset me but I would just suggest things that you'd like to try that.
I faked it for months in the begging but came clean quite quickly. I hope it works out for you.

jellybean85 Sun 09-Dec-18 23:16:51

It's not that his feelings are more imprtAnt than op's but they're more important than the need to come clean! I would be so hurt to find this out after 12 years and agree with pp it would make me wonder what else you lie about.

What about saying you're finding it harder to climax or just slowly eeking it out and each time making him work a little harder?

HestiaParthenos Sun 09-Dec-18 23:21:48

I’d be really hurt if I found out my DP was faking for 12 years. I’d think if you could lie about that, what else are you lying about?

That would be extremely silly, considering we all know why women fake orgasms and that it is to protect the male ego and that it is completely different from almost all other lies. (Except perhaps her lying about liking Christmas presents she hates.)

I'm on the fence here. Don't really think male egos need as much protecting as they usually get, and most men live in the illusion that they can tell when a woman is faking orgasms, it would be good to disabuse one man of the notion.

However, it would certainly be easier to just stop faking now, and not admit about the past 12 years.

He might find out when you actually do orgasm, though, if it is the first real orgasm he gets to see.

CanuckBC Sun 09-Dec-18 23:23:41

I would not come clean re 12 years but I would say that you have been having a harder time as of late. Give it a couple weeks though and slowly diminish your faking. Definitely don’t tell him you have faked your “O” this whole time. That will be self esteem destroying in the bed.

Do any of your friends do the sex party stuff? Ask if they have a part coming up? V. Or for Christmas introduce some new things for fun to re-kindle things as part of coming out of your rough time. We-vibes are for couples to be used together while having sex. He can control it via a remote😉

Elphie54 Sun 09-Dec-18 23:24:45

WTAF? No not all females fake oragasms and certainly not for 12 years.

FangTasticFeast Sun 09-Dec-18 23:26:16

I wouldn’t tell him you’ve been lying, you just need to introduce new things to the relationship.

I can’t say I’ve ever been conditioned as a women to feel the male orgasm is more important, just easier to achieve most of the time

Calzone Sun 09-Dec-18 23:27:07

So have you never had an orgasm then?

Purpleartichoke Sun 09-Dec-18 23:29:01

Just tell him that as you age, your body needs different stimuli. Then teach him to satisfy you.

Do not tell him you have been lying to him for 12 years.

Canibuildasnowman Sun 09-Dec-18 23:29:36

No one deserves 12 years of bad sex, you need to do something about it! Stuff his ego, this is bigger than his ego.

steff13 Sun 09-Dec-18 23:31:38

I think most women would agree that we were taught that the male orgasm was more important than our own

Who taught you this? I've never thought this.

HollowTalk Sun 09-Dec-18 23:31:53

Make him watch When Harry Met Sally and give him a knowing look.

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