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To dread visiting friend because of the constant offers of food and drink?

(198 Posts)
smashingavocado Sat 08-Dec-18 17:40:12

She is lovely and would be so hurt if she knew. But I find it really stressful.

I’ve got round it by meeting on neutral territory but she’s rearranged a visit to hers tomorrow and I know it will be foodfoodfoodfood.

Aibu to want to cancel? sad

Uraflutteringcunt Mon 10-Dec-18 11:13:44

With FIL there is no hope, you can say whatever you like and you’ll still get a plateful of something just given to you.

I think my advice would be just to say honestly, depending on how close you are ; shut it, i don’t want anything and I know where your fridge is if I do so piss off please wink

MadelineBeggs Mon 10-Dec-18 11:17:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

anniehm Mon 10-Dec-18 11:23:57

You sound quite unreasonable to me, offering hospitality is normal to me and I find it really rude when you visit someone and you don't get offered a drink and a light snack morning/afternoon or a meal at appropriate times. If someone says no I offer different options with "it's no bother" once for sure. Perhaps cultural, bit normal around here and in my family

squeekums Mon 10-Dec-18 11:25:24

I get it op
I have a small appetite and im tiny size wise, i only eat when hungry. Constant offers of food annoy me to no end, its like your saying i dont know my own body and hunger levels. Especially worse when its coupled with comments like oh but your so small, all skin and bone.
And no im not anorexic, bulimic, i just have a fast metabolism and small appetite and have my entire life

Avrannakern Mon 10-Dec-18 11:27:34

@anniehm

What you've described is completely different from the situation in the OP.

I really can't believe some people still don't understand this. It's like you just don't have the ability to look past the norm and realise it's extreme. Constant. Every few minutes. And they don't accept no as an answer because there's always another thing to offer. I really can't believe some people don't understand this or keep saying "they're just being hospitable".

No, they are not. It is completely different from a couple of offers.

pamhill64 Mon 10-Dec-18 11:34:18

In some cultures it’s a point of honour to offer food and drink to Everyone that comes to your home so could it be that? Otherwise take your own bottle of water and just honestly say that you have a restricted diet and prefer just to sip your water while you have a lovely chat but she should have whatever she wants. Be light but firm and she’ll get the hang of it.

TeeBee Mon 10-Dec-18 11:37:50

See, this is the kind of situation that I would have some fun with. I would keep on asking for water, again and again. Even if she doesn't offer, I would ask her for one until there was a table full of glasses of water. And then if she offers some food, I would tell her I was so full from all the water. But then ask her for another glass as you're so thirsty. If she looks at you in a weird, just carry on really breezily. And then just as you were leaving, ask for a quick glass of water. But I like to keep myself amused.

schnubbins Mon 10-Dec-18 11:44:53

Is she Irish? dont live in Ireland anymore so notice this when I go home .They won't take no for an answer. Really well meaning but sometimes difficult.

puzzledlady Mon 10-Dec-18 11:48:26

Ok so you tried saying no and she won’t listen. If it bothers you that much then cancel.

Sparkletastic Mon 10-Dec-18 12:00:25

Does she struggle to make conversation?

Whatever the reason you need to be much more direct with her. 'No I don't want anything thanks so please don't keep offering. Sit down so we can chat. I'm here for your company and nothing else.'

TanteRose Mon 10-Dec-18 12:01:56

Is this her? grin
youtu.be/j51K6ca5cd4

Willow2017 Mon 10-Dec-18 12:05:54

when you visit someone and you don't get offered a drink and a light snack morning/afternoon or a meal at appropriate times.

You are missing the whole point Anniehm.
Its NOT at appropriate times its every 5 minutes! Thats not appropriate its harrasing someone.

BTW if someone decides whether they want something to eat or drink or not then its nobodys place to question them.
If I say no I mean no, not perhaps, maybe, I am just teasing you and really want something, I mean NO thank you.

auntsarent Mon 10-Dec-18 12:45:54

@butteredghost your comment made me giggle. I will try this over the Christmas period!

Wordthe Mon 10-Dec-18 12:57:35

This is never happened to me I have never eaten food that I didn't want just to be polite, if it did I think I would just keep on saying no, cultivate a Mexican standoff situation where no one is able to leave the kitchen, see how long I could spin it out for
it could be entertaining

Wordthe Mon 10-Dec-18 12:59:33

Or just say 'are you trying to make me fat like you'?
that would probably shut her up

Ngaio2 Mon 10-Dec-18 15:45:38

My ex mil was like this. Constant offerings and when declined,, she’d constantly repeat “Are you sure ?”” . Then she’d offer something else. My ex would finally say. “We said “No” Mother “ to which she’d respond “Oh well, if you’re sure”..
Funny thing is she was weight conscious and often talked about her dieting and was critical of overweight people.
OP maybe tell your DF you are having difficulty with food and willl she do you the favour of not offering you anything to eat but you’d love a cup of tea/coffee. Then when you visit remind her of your conversation if she forgets and starts to offer. This is a habit and may take a while to correct

Motoko Mon 10-Dec-18 16:01:19

There are an awful lot of people here who are either really dense, or they're feeders themselves. The analogy with sex is spot on. I noticed none of the people defending the friend, commented on that.

@smashingavocado what did you do in the end? Did you go, or cancel?

In your shoes, I would refuse to go round to her house, and only meet her out, or at your place. It's the only solution if you want to continue the friendship.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Mon 10-Dec-18 16:12:46

@Leapfrog44
Fairylightfurore

Have you both actually RTFT? Or even the very first OP in full? It seems that you haven't, which is exactly the kind of behaviour about which the OP is unhappy.

Allow me to summarise it very simply -

This is kind, acceptable hosting:
"Would you like a piece of cake?"
"No thank you"
"Or a biscuit? Cup of tea?"
"No, I'm fine, thanks"
"OK, do say if you change your mind at all."

This is neither kind nor acceptable hosting:
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."
"Do you want a [item of food or drink]"
"No, thanks."

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Mon 10-Dec-18 16:17:08

Have you both actually RTFT? Or even the very first OP in full? It seems that you haven't, which is exactly the kind of behaviour about which the OP is unhappy.

As in not listening to what somebody is actually saying and ignoring them, assuming they don't know their own mind, you know better, what you want them to do is what they must be coerced into doing in spite of their clear expressed wishes to the contrary - and then going on to tell them what you 'reckon' must be the problem with them in the face of all conflicting evidence.

Whatever you do, please don't become a GP.

Lizzie48 Mon 10-Dec-18 16:49:06

This is a problem that my DH has whenever we visit friends or family. He's 6'5 and hosts always assume that he's a human dustbin and must surely want to keep eating. He doesn't, and this is something that actually really annoys him. So I get what the OP's problem is

This friend sounds like a nervous host, and I suspect it's a case of trying too hard. From what the OP has said, she's fine in neutral territory, and they seem to be good friends so it seems to me it would be worth actually speaking to her about how it makes her feel.

CottonSock Mon 10-Dec-18 16:53:58

My mil does this and it's annoying. Luckily for me I have no issue to say no thank you in increasingly stern tone, and don't feel too bad about it. I have to be quite rude which is ridiculous really

chocatoo Fri 21-Dec-18 07:58:27

Just say no thanks. I think you are being a bit ridiculous saying you dread going because of it.

Willow2017 Fri 21-Dec-18 08:07:56

chocatoo
Maybe read all.of ops posts before telling her to do something that doesnt make a blind bit of difference to the situation 12 days after the event?

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