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To dread visiting friend because of the constant offers of food and drink?

(198 Posts)
smashingavocado Sat 08-Dec-18 17:40:12

She is lovely and would be so hurt if she knew. But I find it really stressful.

I’ve got round it by meeting on neutral territory but she’s rearranged a visit to hers tomorrow and I know it will be foodfoodfoodfood.

Aibu to want to cancel? sad

ShadowHuntress Sat 08-Dec-18 18:57:49

Oh I know someone like this. She’s so lovely but won’t take no for an answer. It’s literally every few minutes there will be an offer of more food, more tea, more juice. I put up with it before but now dc are toddlers and eating proper food she starts on them. Every time we went she had a huge bowl full of crisps, cakes, chocolates and passed it over to the kids as soon as we got in. I had to tell her after the second time as we don’t often give the kids sugar and they were leaving her house so sugar high there would be crashes and tantrums on the way home. It’s tiresome

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Sat 08-Dec-18 18:57:51

My MIL does this. I used to be really polite and try to accept something just to make it stop, now I just say very curtly, “No thank you, I do not want anything.” After that all offers that she makes are firmly ignored. The other thing she does is if me, DH or the kids ever eat anything, she will buy tons of the bloody stuff for the next time we visit, because “you liked that last time”. I know they are trying to be hospitable, but actually it is rude to keep going on.

DearTeddyRobinson Sat 08-Dec-18 18:58:17

Just say yes then don't eat it. I'm Irish, very used to this!

nicoala1 Sat 08-Dec-18 18:59:36

I think this is a visitor issue rather than a host thing.

Arrange beforehand what you will accept maybe.

I have to say I really dislike this FEEDING thing, where the host will be mortified and in therapy if the guests do not eat everything including the tablecloth.

Winlinbin Sat 08-Dec-18 19:01:48

My MIL is like this. I take something and eat/drink it very, very, very slowly so when she offers again I can decline as I’m still eating whatever the previous delicious morsel was.

I think it’s a nervous thing with MIL, she’s quite shy and I am very quiet so offering food fills in some silences.

ScottyDog7 Sat 08-Dec-18 19:02:01

I'd take some nibbles with me. Lidl and other places do loads this close to Christmas. I picked up a tray with loads of crackers and pretzels and stuff in for 99p. Take that with you, and every time she asks say you're fine with those. If you nibble one every now and then it might make her settle a bit better.
Or try saying, "honestly I'm fine, if I change my mind I'll let you know. Right now I don't want anything other than a nice chat". Or maybe even suggest going out for a walk???

Positivethinking1 Sat 08-Dec-18 19:05:45

How well do you know her? Do you have a relationship where you can tease her a bit, e.g. make a joke out of it and set her a target that she's not allowed to offer you food for at least 30 minutes - and set a timer on your phone? We did this with a friend who always said sorry for everything - we made a buzzer sound every time she said sorry for something that wasn't her fault - it became a long running private joke, she got the message, and no one got offended. You have to have the right relationship though!

Thedukes Sat 08-Dec-18 19:09:52

I just say 'oh gosh, I didn't realise you were cooking, I've just had a huge lunch, I will see if I can try a little'.

MrsMcW Sat 08-Dec-18 19:17:19

Afraid I'm like this... Complete feeder. blush It feels rude not to offer something to a guest and I'll generally try to find an alternative if they don't like what's on offer. She's just trying to be a good hostess.

EmeraldShamrock Sat 08-Dec-18 19:24:03

I think I am a bit like this. I usually except no to food and drinks after the 3rd time. blush

springydaff Sat 08-Dec-18 19:25:37


maybe you could be super super brave and tackle her about it?

I love seeing you x, but I do find the constant offers of food really difficult. You're such a great person and I'm so glad we're friends.

Or take all her food and make her happy. What's the harm, every now and again?

MiddlingMum Sat 08-Dec-18 19:26:41

Tell her you're on a 5:2 diet and today is a 2 day.

underneaththeash Sat 08-Dec-18 19:29:41

Can you not just go for lunch (or not eat first) then it won't be an issue. It's quite normal to offer a bit of food and drink to a visitor.

greendale17 Sat 08-Dec-18 19:31:00

OP obviously has eating issues.

Echobelly Sat 08-Dec-18 19:33:22

I know it's hard, but I might be honest with her and say 'You know [friend], whenever I come round here you offer me food all the time and you really don't need to, I'd much rather you relax and we can talk. If I say no, I honestly mean it and it actually makes me kind of uncomfortable when you keep asking'

springydaff Sat 08-Dec-18 19:36:20

Im wondering why you're talking about the op as if shes not here, greendale.

DoinItForTheKids Sat 08-Dec-18 19:42:03

It's not an eating issue if you just don't want to eat - it's healthy to say actually I'm full I don't need to eat anything! Jesus wept - this is why we've got a country full of pre-diabetic people - because they all say 'yes' when offered something, even though they've eaten enough already.

Why should OP force food down if she's not bloody hungry, to please someone else?!

OP you'll just have to be utterly brutally (almost) clear with her, she's obviously not one who picks up on people's facial expression or any other clues so it's got to be pretty overt or she just won't hear you.

Willow2017 Sat 08-Dec-18 19:50:06

Loving the fact that op has been told she must have an eating disorder because she doesnt want constantly bombarded with food and drink.when.she just wants to talk to her friend.
Having someone spend the whole time trying to force you to eat/drink and not taking no for an answer is incredibly annoying and a complete waste of time. If her friend spends the whole visit rooting through her kitchen for something else to tempt op.with it must be bloody frustrating.

On another thread people were berating op.for having one snack at and again as nobody.need to snack between.meals this one they are telling her she has a disorder for not eating non stop when visiting a friend.

Only on mn.

Geraniumpink Sat 08-Dec-18 19:50:10

I don’t like eating out all that much (I have a history of being very anxious at dining out- though I’m a lot better than I was) and just a very firm ‘No, I’m fine thank you’ with whoever is doing the offering usually works.

underneaththeash Sat 08-Dec-18 19:50:40

springy - I think she was replying to me.

speakout Sat 08-Dec-18 19:52:19

I sympathise OP.

My mother was a feeder.

I learned to regurgitate in the toilet from the age of 8.

smashingavocado Sat 08-Dec-18 19:52:24

I don’t have food issues. I just hate constantly having to say no thank you.

Twisique Sat 08-Dec-18 19:53:16

Tell her you are doing a fasting test for the Dr and can only have coffee until 9 am!

UhUhUhDennis Sat 08-Dec-18 19:54:33

To be this stressed about it then you do have food issues I'm afraid. Maybe you need to tackle those before you tackle her.

smashingavocado Sat 08-Dec-18 19:55:17

Lying will not work.

‘I can’t eat X’ will mean she goes on the hunt for Y. I don’t like A will have her looking for B.

I want to see her, not eat.

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