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To dread visiting friend because of the constant offers of food and drink?

(198 Posts)
smashingavocado Sat 08-Dec-18 17:40:12

She is lovely and would be so hurt if she knew. But I find it really stressful.

I’ve got round it by meeting on neutral territory but she’s rearranged a visit to hers tomorrow and I know it will be foodfoodfoodfood.

Aibu to want to cancel? sad

Jezzifishie Sat 08-Dec-18 18:19:50

Oh, I know someone like this. It's stressful! Do you want this? Are you sure? Or this? I'll just get you a bowl of this.... It's done from a place of love, but it's incredibly frustrating because they don't listen!

smashingavocado Sat 08-Dec-18 18:20:55

Obviously I say no thanks! But I don’t think some of you are realising it isn’t the offer but the refusal to accept no. I will politely decline a biscuit or slice of cake and she will go in her kitchen and start rooting through her fridge and cupboards for something. If I accept anything she just keeps pushing more of it onto me. Tea, cake, flapjack.

HarrySnotter Sat 08-Dec-18 18:21:58

Just politely refuse when you've had enough. Unless there is something you haven't told us, this is just silly.

GreenandBlueButterfly Sat 08-Dec-18 18:24:59

I understand you. I have a friend like that. I think it's the norm in her culture but I ended up feeling extremely annoyed about it. When I'm not hungry, I'M NOT HUNGRY. The constant offers were annoying and in the end I don't visit her any more. We just meet outside in neutral places.

easyandy101 Sat 08-Dec-18 18:25:05

Going to see the other halfs mum is a constant barrage of food and drink, even when you take some you get forced to have more

It's great if you're in the mood!

You just gotta be firm though

Atthebottomofthegarden Sat 08-Dec-18 18:27:34

It sounds like when you say no, she interprets that as having offered you the wrong thing rather than as you not wanting anything. I think you need to be clearer in your refusal!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Sat 08-Dec-18 18:29:59

DH has an Auntie like this. It’s really strange as she seems completely unaware of how bonkers she comes across. I think she is a very nervous person who can’t relax. We are seeing her tomorrow.🙈 She can’t stop asking and asking. It’s tiresome even though I know she means well.

dontgobaconmyheart Sat 08-Dec-18 18:31:09

A few people have asked it OP, but do you have some sort of health issue surrounding food or is it just that you for whatever reason can't bear your friend not listening when you refuse whatever it is? Wanting to cancel because of it does seem rather an extreme way to feel, she can't force you to eat. I also really dislike when people do this as i'm a bit of a people pleaser but i view that as my issue not theirs really.

I would have thought that rather than saying no thank you to each individual item, causing her to think you just don't want that thing but she should fetch something else, it would be quicker to reply "no thankyou I don't want anything to eat this evening thanks, i'm not hungry/am full/whatever, let's just sit and have a chat instead'. Or if there is something you've accepted but don't want more of just say " What i've had is more than enough thank you, i'm really rather full" and then change the subject...
I'm not sure people here aren't realising what you're saying so much as they can only suggest what you might do, they can't make your friend stop offering you food.

EdWinchester Sat 08-Dec-18 18:31:13

God, she sounds really annoying.

Sassybynature Sat 08-Dec-18 18:32:14

Its probably a cultural thing. I am from an Italian background and it is the norm to offer guests food and drink, it would be considered rude not to. Guests are always fed, if they like I think or not, to bursting point.
Just politely accept something small, it wouldn't hurt.

nicoala1 Sat 08-Dec-18 18:33:23

She sounds like a lovely and very generous host. Enjoy.

I am also a small plate/portion person, but say it up front. No problems so far!

nicoala1 Sat 08-Dec-18 18:34:23

The Stingy Thread needs to read this right now!! LOL.

DPotter Sat 08-Dec-18 18:35:06

I know just what you mean.

It's not just a case of someone saying 'would you like a cup of tea or coffee and a slice of cake' and you politely refusing. A refusal will elicit an inventory of all the food they have in the house 'How about crisps, biscuits, fruit, cheese, etc etc'. And then horror of horrors they will 'recall' you like X, which they don't have in the house and it'll be 'Oh no Gordon (or any other name) DPotter likes X and we haven't got any, can you nip down the shop and get some?'

This can go on for the entire visit.
My MIL used to be like this; I would decline repeatedly, DP would re-assure her I was fine repeatedly but still it continued. In the end it took a very exasperated me mildly exploding with ' For the love of God will you just stop offering me food. When I'm hungry I'll ask for it.' I think it was a nervous tick and she just couldn't help herself. It did reduce after that - thank God.

Kintan Sat 08-Dec-18 18:36:09

Jut say yes early on in the visit and slowly nibble/sip whatever she gives you and then she won’t feel she needs to keep offering!

DPotter Sat 08-Dec-18 18:37:40

Sorry - crossed posts with a few.
Have to say with my MIL saying you were not thirsty or hungry didn't work. It was almost as if she saw it as a challenge to tempt you with something.

BewilderedPiskie Sat 08-Dec-18 18:37:41

Accept everything but ask for a doggy bag and give it to a homeless person???

DPotter Sat 08-Dec-18 18:39:27

Agreeing to eat / drink something would just lead to the next level - the entire cake needs to be eaten, your body weight in crisps consumed. You get my drift.....

nicoala1 Sat 08-Dec-18 18:42:26

Feeders. Probably size zero themselves. Sorry couldn't resist!

Or a "Mrs Doyle" from Fr. Ted clone.

Happy Christmas everyone.

RCohle Sat 08-Dec-18 18:46:55

I'd just accept a cup of coffee or whatever and nurse it.

It does strike me as odd that this bothers you so much though, do you have issues with food? Having food pushed on you at Christmas is pretty par for the course!

lljkk Sat 08-Dec-18 18:47:39

Can you distract her from her obsession? Get her to talk about herself instead, that engrosses most people.

Noloudnoises Sat 08-Dec-18 18:47:47

I totally get this. I don't drink tea (or coffee after 11am as I'll be up all night). And know someone who was constantly trying to shove tea at me every 15 mins. It's exhausting saying no thanks and nursing a water to make it obvious I am sufficiently hydrated. She cannot compute that someone doesn't like tea.

DavedeeDozyBeakyMickandTich Sat 08-Dec-18 18:48:03

Just have a tea and a biscuit or whatever and then when she offers anything more just say very clearly, no thank you I couldn't possibly eat any more, make up an excuse about cutting down on sugar or whatever if you have to but I would just be very clear and move conversation on, don't see the big issue. Yes I know a few people like this, would never put me off going round I just say no. Perhaps it's you with the issue, as in, you don't like turning people down? Or, don't eat before and turn up hungry grin

Shootingstar20 Sat 08-Dec-18 18:50:03

My MIL is like this and one of the main things I love about her is her generosity. I said yes all the time at first to be polite and if you said no she’d list every other thing for you to have, you just have to keep saying no thanks and it finally sinks in, my MIL is a nervous host and is just so polite she hates the thought of her guests being hungry or thirsty! I understand your strain but your friend is just trying to care for you that’s all!

Travisandthemonkey Sat 08-Dec-18 18:50:21

Just say no
It’s not that hard

JakeBallardswife Sat 08-Dec-18 18:50:55

Can you just say yes, you'd love a glass of water? I don't really see a problem, say you don't want anything to eat as still not hungry....

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