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DH doesn't get up until lunch time

(157 Posts)
robinsinthespring Fri 07-Dec-18 11:37:12

My DH is retired. (I work a 2 mornings a week). He never gets up until at least noon, and last week he stayed in bed till past 2pm. When we were on an all inclusive holiday in a lovely location he still wouldn't get up, not joining me on the beach till lunchtime. Am I being unreasonable to feel sad that life is being wasted and angry and upset that I have to do so much by myself. I try to encourage him to get up, but all I get is daft excuses like "I'm listening to music" or" I must have drifted off again". Should I just carry on doing my own thing? WWYD?

Fairenuff Sat 08-Dec-18 20:33:45

Well OP hasn't bothered to come back to the discussion, that's why posters are just talking about themselves.

WilburforceRaven Sat 08-Dec-18 20:25:29

I can't believe you are a high rate tax payer (wooooo! go you) with your basic lack of cognitive skills Wilbur.

Don't believe me then. hmm If you believe a person is lying or trolling, report the post. I'm not entirely sure how you can accurately assess a person's cognitive skills based on a post or two, but please, crack on.

adaline Sat 08-Dec-18 20:19:01

There's a ton of research showing that keeping these hours are detrimental to human health.

There are also lots of people who genuinely struggle to go to sleep at a "normal" time and who naturally stay awake until 1-2am or later. Science might say that's unhealthy but there we go.

Lots of people work nights/shifts and can't sleep regular hours, or they have disabilities or caring responsibilities that mean they need to be awake at 2am and sleep at 3pm, for example. Getting up at 7am doesn't make you morally any better than someone who lies in until midday, yet there's an underlying tone on this thread that that's the case.

A580Hojas Sat 08-Dec-18 20:12:31

I can't believe you are a high rate tax payer (wooooo! go you) with your basic lack of cognitive skills Wilbur.

A580Hojas Sat 08-Dec-18 20:09:48

If you are sleeping until midday and getting 8 hours sleep then that means you are starting to sleep at 4am. There's a ton of research showing that keeping these hours are detrimental to human health. But if you want to keep those hours and the person you share a house and life with is the same then fine. If not, make an effort to find a compromise.

Oakenbeach Sat 08-Dec-18 20:03:41

But what we don’t know (or maybe I missed it), is he a night owl (ok, we all have different body clocks) or whether he just spends a massive amount of his time in bed wishing his life away (not healthy if it becomes a lifestyle)

WilburforceRaven Sat 08-Dec-18 19:59:10

Why is getting up at 7am after 8 hours sleep any better than getting up at midday after 8 hours sleep?

It isn't.

EggysMom Sat 08-Dec-18 19:58:43

To answer the OP question, either you confront him and ask for a compromise, or you carry on doing your own thing in the morning - and leave him to do his own thing late at night.

My DH would be the same given the chance, he's a complete night own to my morning lark. He'd stay in bed on holiday until midday if I let him; but we compromise and he gets a long lie on alternate days, getting up early on days when we plan an outing.

adaline Sat 08-Dec-18 19:57:28

Why is getting up at 7am after 8 hours sleep any better than getting up at midday after 8 hours sleep?

WilburforceRaven Sat 08-Dec-18 19:56:16

someone who lives with another lazy fucker night owl.

And there you have it! Everyone who is a night owl is a lazy fucker. hmm. I'm a high-rate taxpayer and so is my DH.

masterandmargarita Sat 08-Dec-18 19:52:28

Most of the pro lie-in posters are the ones who like to do it themselves rather than their partners saying they don't mind it. Just possibly they're wrong about how much their partners accept it?

Bluntness100 Sat 08-Dec-18 19:50:13

It actually infuriates me that people aren't addressing the op's question and just blarting on about what they like and what they do

Why does it infuriate you? You must know that many people are totally self absorbed and love to talk about themselves. So of course there is going to be people posting about what they like and do.

A580Hojas Sat 08-Dec-18 19:46:21

It actually infuriates me that people aren't addressing the op's question and just blarting on about what they like and what they do. A lie-in is a lovely thing (if you're into that sort of thing). A lie-in until noon every single day is only for the selfish or someone who lives with another lazy fucker night owl.

Fwiw I would classify myself as a night owl as my natural hours are 12 - 1am to sleep, get up at 7 - 8 am, 9am at a push. If I was lying in bed until lunch time every day I would expect my friends and family to be concerned about me.

WilburforceRaven Sat 08-Dec-18 15:32:10

I love staying in bed till lunchtime. Did so today. It was different when the children were young and you have to get up. DH and I are both night owls so our retirement will involve lots of lie-ins. Don't really see a problem with it. Some people are night owls and some are larks. One is not better than the other.

HugoBearsMummy Sat 08-Dec-18 15:17:55

MOST of an evening? In from work at 6pm , dinner, put DS to bed then spend all evening till 10:30pm with DH in the sitting room-?how tf is that the entire evening in bed? 6-10:30 IS the evening and I'm up and awake??? Weird comment confused

tildaMa Sat 08-Dec-18 14:58:10

Well I think it's very boring spending most of evenings in bed.

Your body clock is not better than mine.

HugoBearsMummy Sat 08-Dec-18 14:45:02

@tildaMa excuse me?? Most nights (weekdays) I'm never in bed before 10:30, I work and have a 3YO DS who wakes at 6:30 latest so I do have stuff to get up for so funnily enough can't stay up till the early hours of the morning or id prob die of exhaustion- to insinuate that I must live a boring life is very strange hmm! I think it's very boring spending most of daylight hours in bed but hey ho each to their own!

Fairenuff Sat 08-Dec-18 09:34:28

I need my alone time. When we have visitors staying for more than a couple of nights I can't wait for them to go to bed so that I can stay up and have a couple of hours to myself. And I hate having to get up in the morning to be sociable with them. I do love them really, just that I need time on my own so I try to limits visits to a couple of nights so that we can have fun but it doesn't get too much for me.

I would hate being with my dh all day every day. We get on great but do have different friends and interests as well as doing lots together. But 24/7 with anyone is too much for me. I think OP should know her dh well enough to know if he just needs time for himself or not. He might just prefer a peaceful morning without anyone chattering around him. We don't know anything about their relationship.

tildaMa Fri 07-Dec-18 23:14:14

I'm not a 'morning person' in the slightest but unless I have a raging hangover I need to vacate my pit by 9am latest or I feel shit

Actually you're very much a morning person.

Bet you go to bed by 9pm latest and can't be arsed to do anything interesting in the evening because it's "late".

Maelstrop Fri 07-Dec-18 23:02:56

This would piss me off. I'm looking forward to retiring so we can do stuff together. I love it when he's off at the weekend, even if we just do really mundane stuff. I'd be up and out doing exciting stuff alone if he's in bed til midday. Such a shame that he's sleeping away his life.

helpingvsdoinghomework Fri 07-Dec-18 22:52:49

Does he have depression? This type of behaviour and sleep patterns are often associated with being depressed

tor8181 Fri 07-Dec-18 22:50:53

we live a opposite life to everyone

me and my 8 y old dont get up till 5-6pm every day
we dont go to sleep till 6-7am every day,some days later

hes has many complex disabilities and doesnt sleep so we have just had to adapt and do what you need to do to survive

hes home educated so dont have to worry about school but we do home ed meet ups twice a week and those day we just dont sleep

the 14 y old doesnt sleep at all(many complex disabilities as well and home educated),hes up straight for 3-4 days then crashes for a day and half

we do our shopping online and do our housework,any education at night

its best to listen to your body clock and sleep and wake when your body tells you to

bumblenbean Fri 07-Dec-18 22:37:28

This is really interesting. I have always needed a lot of sleep and in my early 20s I used to spend most weekend days in bed until lunchtime. It wasn’t a case of lying there consciously thinking I couldn’t be arsed to get up but more that I felt so tired that I felt like I really needed the sleep and found it really difficult to drag myself out of bed. I was going through a bad patch with my mental health so I suppose that could have explained some of the lethargy.

Anyway this wasn’t an issue when I was single but when I moved in with my then boyfriend it caused a real problem. He felt as many posters have described on here - that he wasn’t ‘worth’ getting up for, that I had no interest in spending time with him etc. This wasn’t actually the case at all from my perspective but I can totally understand why it felt that way to him. When he ended the relationship it was one of the main reasons - there were other issues but The sleeping thing was a major factor.

What upset me at the time was that he’d never really addressed it during the relationship and I had been blissfully unaware (albeit naively) that it was having such an effect on him. So I think it’s a good thing you are speaking to DH about it and trying to work through it. Your situation is obviously very different what with DH being retired etc but I can see that his sleeping in is having a similar effect on you.

unfortunately I don’t know what the solution is but you are certainly not alone in finding it frustrating! Certainly with me I got into a sort of rut with it- when you’re so used to a pattern of behaviour it’s hard to break out of it even if you want to. These days i couldn’t possibly sleep that much as I have two young DC but I still have to steel myself to get up at a reasonable hour at the weekend so as not to leave DH doing all the work!

I really hope you can both find a way forward that works.

junebirthdaygirl Fri 07-Dec-18 21:34:56

My dh has bouts of depression. He is retired. When the depression rolls in he stays in bed late. I am always glad l am in work as l like being up early
So is he depressed?
Is there any way he might be suffering from sleep apnoea as it hinders people from sleeping well so they are extra tired?
Or is he taking any medication which would cause him to be dopey?
If my dh 8s in bed l head out for a walk, meet friends etc. Also l would not do all my housework in the mornings in case he was skiving off !!!

MrsGrindah Fri 07-Dec-18 20:42:29

Sounds perfect to me. Life is too short to spend your retirement doing anything you dont want to do. After years of 5.30 starts im relishing spending more time in my cosy bed

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